//------------------------------// // 7 - Why Do You Care? // Story: I Am Not Big Mac. // by MrPip42 //------------------------------//    I at least gave her the courtesy of waiting until she was done vomiting to grill her on what happened. “Ya spoke to Big Mac? The real Big Mac?” “Yes, I did. Please don’t stand so closely, Gabriel.” “Ah’m sorry.” I stepped back, now a foot away from her instead of an inch. “What did he say? What happened?”    Dream Heart had barely any time to think before I was hounding her for information. Her raised hoof was the only thing stopping me from constantly asking the same questions over and over again. “Before I answer that, I need to know what happened to you while watching the memory. The one with you and Daniella.” “Ah…” It probably should have crossed my mind to think about what had happened on my end of that experience. Dream Heart interacted with Big Macintosh after the memory concluded… What was I doing? “We were watchin’ the memory, and then after that… ah remember wakin’ up and seein’ you.” “That’s it?” “Eeyup.” “Interesting…” Dream Heart was surprisingly willing to engage in conversation, despite the nausea she was no doubt feeling. Her head still angled towards the bucket, just in case any unexpected guests decide to travel up her throat. In defiance of her own sickness, she pondered the situation and answered my desperate questions. “You remember nothing of the period when Big Macintosh was present, then…” She mused before giving a more thorough explanation, “After your memory was finished, I engaged with who I thought was you in conversation. I didn’t think anything was different in his responses until I noticed the different accent. That is when I asked him, and Big Macintosh’s confirmation was enough to shock me out of your dream, unfortunately.”    After her version of events was given, Dream Heart promptly put her head back over the bucket. Thankfully, no more vomit came to say hello, but she wasn’t about a sudden visit while she wasn’t talking. This momentary pause gave me time to truly ponder what I had just heard.    Ever since I woke up here. My number one goal was to find out where Big Macintosh has been. I may have taken my time in doing so… and avoided some of the greater implications of what it meant to find him, but it was always at the forefront of my mind. I promised Applejack on the very first day that I would bring her brother back to her.     Not that it was the only reason I wanted to find him. Dream Heart already wrenched that secret out of me in the dream. I have my own issues to deal with, and I’d rather not burden a family that isn’t my own with them. They are not a way for me to “move on” or a replacement for what I no longer have. I am an intruder in their lives, not a member of their loved ones.    For the longest time, I was afraid of what I would find. So afraid that my own mind was preventing me from exploring further, but after Dream Heart forced me to admit it to her and to myself, I finally got the chance to truly look back on what had happened… In the process, Big Macintosh was found, inside of my mind!… Well, with his presence now confirmed, I suppose it was better to say his mind.     All those fears of him being gone forever felt like they were washing out of me. For the first time I felt the weight of doubt lift off of my shoulders. There was much still to understand, but everything still felt clearer than it ever had before. Big Macintosh was alive, he was somewhere Dream Heart could reach, and that meant they could work to bring him back!     Sure, it would be nicer if I could have talked to Big Mac myself, but knowing he was there was more than enough. Dream Heart was forgiven for her previous actions. She now held the key to fixing everything, and I wasn’t about to let that go.  “Can we go back in?” I asked the hunched doctor. “Ah want ta know what he had to say!”    I was already on my way back to the couch. One good nap and maybe every answer we ever needed could be given! Dream Heart, however, was not quite so eager to get back to it. Her head shook before I could reach the pillow again.  “I understand your eagerness, Gabriel, but I cannot. Dreamwalking is already a taxing spell to use, but to be thrown out of a dream like that… “ She let out another burp, a different yet completely understandable way to end that sentence. “… I need time to recover, then we may try again.”    Her simple refusal deflated any sense of excitement I had in the immediate moment. He was there, right there, inside of my-… his-… this head, but I couldn’t reach him, not today. “How long?”  “I need at least a full day to recover from this, however, I have something personal I must attend to two days from now. I’m afraid our next session will have to wait at least three days.”     With that, any excitement I had left fell into the deepest pits below. Three days of absolutely no progress. No interacting with Big Mac or finding a way to fix this. An anger at the bottom of my stomach threatened to erupt. To lash out at this mere tease of progress. How could we be this close to him, and yet unable to get any farther?!    My sensible side understood that this was outside of Dream Heart’s control, and letting irrational anger fester over it would do nothing to help that. She was clearly sick after the experience we had just shared. I wasn’t exactly magically inclined, and it wasn’t my place to guess what the effects of trying to explore a dream would feel like to her. Not to mention that these ponies had lives outside of dealing with me. I can’t expect her to be at my beck and call anytime I want.     This small, but amazing, progress would have to be enough. Big Mac was here, I would take that reassurance and hold it tight until next I have a session with Dream Heart.  “Can ah get you anythin’, doc? Some water?” “Water would be lovely, thank you.”    The next day brought with it a staple of Big Macintosh’s daily life. Tons and tons of work to do. The morning was bright and blue in a way that only Equestria seemed to be able to form. A pastel brilliance that was both exciting and calming to watch. The sunrise was a particular interesting part of the day to watch. Given that it was controlled by the ruler of Equestria, the sun didn’t always move naturally. Instead of a gradual motion around the planet, the sun would rise and fall from the horizon at a much faster pace than it would throughout the rest of the day.     A normal day in the Apple family required one to be up before sunrise. The sleeping routine wasn’t too far off from what I was used to, and I had always been a morning person. That meant that every morning had the unusual moment where the sun shot up from the horizon and greeted Ponyville. The twilight quickly comes to a sudden but beautiful end, and the ponies of Equestria are given the announcement that today has officially begun.    It was unusual for me, as someone who’s always lived with a sun that was on automatic instead of manual. Big Mac, however, was fond of the way Princess Celestia welcomed the morning, and would often sit out to witness it when he needed a calming pick me up.     Today, I understood why he felt that way about the rising sun. On a whim I decided to step outside of the farm house and walk up to Big Macintosh’s favorite hillside spot. There I laid in the dew dropped grass and waited for the blue and purple glow to give rise to the day. In a way, I could almost see the image of the Princess raising her hoof to guide the sun into its morning position as I watched the sunrise.      The warmth of the sun coated me like a warm blanket, and for a few moments, I allowed myself to feel comfortable with where I was, and who I had become. It was not a voluntary decision, I didn’t flick a switch inside my head and suddenly decide “everything is okay!”. Rather, it was an unconscious side effect of a very different feeling I had that morning.    Do you feel it, Mac? It feels good, doesn’t it? If he was inside of this head, then he could probably hear me. So why not talk to him a bit. Don’t forget how important moments like these are to you, Big Mac. You’ll have them back before you know it.    There wasn’t any answer given to my question. I didn’t expect one to magically appear in my thoughts. If he didn’t ever answer before he wasn't going to start now, but I knew he was there. You wouldn’t stop talking to a coma patient just because they didn’t answer. He was there, he was alive. That’s what mattered.    Feeling the edges of my lips curve into a smile had to be the oddest thing I’ve felt so far. I wasn’t some grump who never smiled when I was still human. Smiling was a pretty regular thing for me, but since becoming Big Mac I rarely felt it come naturally. However, in this small moment by myself and with Big Mac in our shared head, I felt comfortable enough to smile.     When the last of the sunrise finished, and I had my fill of its warmth, I headed back to the house to eat breakfast with the Apple family. An occasion that hardly needed to be mentioned in detail. Apple Bloom and Applejack led most of the conversation during the meal, talking about the ongoings of the day. Granny Smith would direct us towards whatever other tasks that needed doing, and I would occasionally say eeyup. All in all, a very regular and uneventful morning.    My sudden change of mood was not unnoticed, however. I caught the looks of each of the ladies at the table when they saw me smiling so easily. The one look I got from Apple Bloom when she noticed was as if she was looking at a completely different person. Was Big Macintosh smiling really that odd to see? Surely not, he smiled just like m-… like any other person.    Even so, I found myself stopped by Applejack as we all went off to our respective tasks. Apple Bloom went off to school, while Granny Smith and Applejack were going into Ponyville to meet with Filthy Rich. To discuss new arrangements for their ongoing business relationship. A Filthy Rich business discussion apparently included brunch and dinner as part of the package deal. So the two of them wouldn’t be back at the farm until night time. I would have expected Applejack to get right to it with Granny, but instead, she stopped at the barn to see me. “Hey, Gabe,” Applejack began, and I appreciated that she was still using my name. “Did somethin’ happen yesterday? Yer lookin mighty chipper compared to how ya have been.” “Eeyup” The confirmation came so naturally to me. Something did happen yesterday, and for once, it was a good thing! Applejack was well versed in the language of eeyups, and could tell the deeper meaning behind my simple answer. “Did you and Dream Heart have some sorta breakthrough?” She asked, stepping forward with renewed interest. I nodded my head to reward her eager question. “We found him.” “You what?” “We found Big Mac.”    Applejack looked like she wanted to be excited for this news, and she certainly was, but a question still lingered. One that required answering before she could share in his joy. “You did?! Where is he?”    I brought a hoof up to Big Mac’s thick skull and tapped lightly against it. I thought that would be more than enough of an explanation, but apparently Applejack didn’t agree. If her confused expression was anything to go off of.  “…Care to run that by me again, sugarcube?” “Dr. Dream and ah had a dreamin’ session. She has a unicorn spell that lets her go inside mah dreams. She spoke to Mac inside there. He was right here the whole time.”    Clearly, what I just tried to explain wasn’t exactly settling in for Applejack. Her brain tried to compute the information, failed to compile, and tried again and again. Eventually, she gave up on trying to understand the specifics of it. “So, did ya learn what happened to ‘im? Why mah brother’s… stuck in there and you’re out here?” “Nnnope…” This time, I knew the Big Mac patented form of communication wouldn’t be enough of an answer. “Not yet, Dream and ah got another session scheduled to find out more. In two days.” “Aah… Well alright!” Applejack smiled and reached up to me. A hoof landing on my shoulder. “That’s good ta hear. Ah knew that Dr. Dream would help. Sounds like everythin'll be back to normal soon.” “Eeyup!” “Do ya know what yer gonna do after Big Mac’s back, Gabe? Ah don’t exactly know how this is all gonna work.”    I didn’t, and I didn’t quite know how to respond to her sudden question. Surely she should be happy knowing that Big Mac was alive. Why was she so concerned about the intruder?  “Applejack! Where are ye? We got places ta be!”  “Over here Granny!” Applejack called back to Granny Smith at the farm house. You never knew how long it would take for Granny to be ready to go out, but she definitely made it loud and clear when she was ready. “Ah gotta get goin’, you goin’ to be alright with all the farm chores today?”    The question was avoided, and I couldn’t be anymore thankful for it. “Eeyup,” I replied to her.  “Are ya sure? You can leave anythin’ you aren’t sure about fer me to do when ah get back. Except the animal feedin’, that has ta get done. Oh and-“ “Ah promise that ah got it handled, Applejack. Have ah failed to get a job done yet?”    Her brow furrowed. “…Ah guess not, sorry for assuming somethin’ like that, Gabe. Ah’ll see you tonight okay?” “Eeyup.”    Applejack gave one last look in my direction before she was off with Granny to Ponyville. The gaze in which she gave me in that short moment was one I couldn’t quite comprehend. There was a joy in it, a warming comfort that I could clearly feel. However there was an undertone of something else. Something unsure, something I didn’t understand. Was Applejack happy, or was she uncertain?     There would be no time to ponder that thought. I had a long list of farm chores to do and I was already behind on them. Applejack’s expression was put away from my thoughts, and my favorite part of the day could begin. Work!     As the only person currently present at Sweet Apple Acres, all of the daily chores required to upkeep a farm as large as theirs fell squarely on my shoulders. This wasn’t an unusual thing for Big Macintosh to have to handle. There were plenty of times where he would be the only one able to handle the workload the farm required. If anything, it was his great pride to take on the task alone.     A task that I was happy to fill in for. The past few days have been primarily focused on feelings and emotions and stressful thoughts, even if it ended on the high note of finding Big Mac.  A nice day of hard work to focus the mind was something I sorely needed before diving back into complicated mind business with that psychiatrist.    Thankfully, tending to the chickens was first on my list, and feeding them gave me plenty of time to not think about how I felt about that mare. Even though it was Dream Heart who found Big Macintosh, there’s still a part of me that feels… uncomfortable now. The poking and prodding she did to me about things I would prefer not to bring up was beginning to strain, and the way she aggressed onto me to confess my greatest guilt was not something I had forgotten. I wanted her to focus on Big Mac, and yet all she could do was bore her way into me.    But I wasn’t thinking about Dream Heart. I definitely wasn’t, I was feeding the chickens and collecting the eggs that they laid. No more thoughts could be spared to think about that conflicting psychiatrist while doing that. None at all…    Tending to the cows were next, and thankfully, the cows could keep up a conversation that actually blocked any new thoughts from forming inside of my head. The cows of Sweet Apple Acres were not permanent residents but rather visitors from the herd. They would get the care, shelter and maintenance they needed from the Apple Family during their stay, and in return they would give them milk as payment. It was an agreeable arrangement between them, and a very common deal for farmers and cow herds to agree upon.     Not that it made the idea of milking a cow who was having a casual conversation with a midwestern accent during it any less weird. A few would give advice to me on how best to milk them, while others would talk about their day. Not even the Big Mac part of this body could make up for how unusual this experience felt. I guess if the cows didn’t find it weird, I shouldn’t either. In the end, I had gathered all the milk necessary, and they were all fed and groomed. My mind had been free of intrusive thoughts during it all, but I was eager to move on to something else.    After the rest of the animals had been tended to. There was apple bucking to do, and the mere thought of apple bucking made Big Mac’s body pump with excitement. If there was a favorite job to do for the Apple family, it was slamming their back hooves into trees and knocking all of the apples out of it. I can honestly understand why. What isn’t fun about hitting things and being rewarded for it? The best parts of working on a car were when we got to tear things out of them.     It wasn’t harvesting season, but the Sweet Apple Acres orchard always had some trees grow ripe apples at different times of the year. It helped keep the stock of apples up year round. I’ve come to understand that this particular quirk is because of a magic power native to earth ponies. Since the Apple family are all earth ponies, all of the farm work they do helps to create better growths and more frequent harvests. Though Big Mac’s memories don’t go into the specific details of how this magic works. His understanding of his own powers is simply “farm work is better when done by me”… A cocky, but true statement.    Trees scattered across the orchard had apples that needed to be bucked. So it was my job to buck them. I got myself hitched to a cart and headed off to begin harvesting. Since the trees that grew fruit out of season were nearly random, I had to go out and search for them. This meant a lot of time walking, and a lot more time looking… Definitely no thinking.    Why did Applejack look like that? I figured good news like finding her brother would make her overjoyed! If things work out for the best, she will have Big Mac back in her life again soon. No longer would Applejack have to deal with me. There would be no more lying, or hiding the truth from the family. Everything would be back to normal.     Yet all she did was ask about me! What is with that now?! Applejack shouldn’t care about stuff like what I will be doing. Out of anybody, she knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here. She should be the one who wants to see her brother come back the most. So why wasn’t she focused on that instead of me?     Why do these ponies want to know what will become of me?    No matter how many trees I bucked, and apples I picked up, nothing could stop the thoughts from creeping in. My tried and true method of hard work was failing to let me clear my mind. Had the events with Dream Heart really left me unable to put it out of my head? Was Applejack’s view of me really something I couldn’t stop thinking about?     Before I knew it, the smile that had held on my face for most of the day had fallen off again. Back to the usual frown I was, and I was disappointed in myself for that. If anyone should be anything, it should be me feeling happy! The one day where I afforded myself time to feel comfortable as Big Mac and all I could do was sully it. I was happy, I knew that for a fact! So why couldn’t I forget about the nonsense and just enjoy the work?    My frustrating consciousness led me to the next tree I had to buck. A routine I had started without ever needing to focus on it. The cart was unhitched from my harness, the bushels were laid out underneath the apples, and I readied myself for the kick. Thanks to Big Mac’s considerable strength, he could shake out an entire tree’s worth of apples with just one hoof. However, I wanted to vent my negative feelings a little bit.    I dug my forelegs into the dirt beneath me, and kicked out my back legs towards the vulnerable tree trunk. A loud thwack! echoed through the orchard, and a noticeable dent in the wood was left where my hooves connected. Any harder and the trunk would have snapped in two. The branches high above were violently shaken from the impact, and apples fell from the ends like raindrops. Perfectly landing into the laid out bushels.  “Wooaaah!” A mare’s voice cried out in the middle of that apple rain, and a cyan blur fell from the branches above. Crashing into a bushel and scattering the apples inside. I turned around from the bucking to see a rainbow maned pegasus stuck in a bushel, stars dancing atop her head.  “Uuugh… What gives, man?!” She cried out as soon as the stars stopped dancing. “I was just napping there! You didn’t have to kick it that hard!”    The mare glared up at me, and I couldn’t help but blink. Was she in the tree the entire time? What was my luck that she would be napping in the tree I decided to buck the hardest? The chances of hitting the one tree she slept in were slimmer than a knife’s edge, but I still found a way to cut myself on it.  “Sorry, Rainbow Dash.” I bowed my head towards her. Given that this was entirely my fault, I approached to try and help her out of the bushel. The assistance I offered was quickly refused by Rainbow Dash. The cyan and rainbow maned pegasus climbing out herself after some considerable effort. When her own four hooves were back on the ground, she shook herself off and glared at me again.     As Applejack’s friend and one of the lead flyers for the Ponyville Weather Team, Rainbow Dash was a common feature that appeared here in Sweet Apple Acres. Anytime we- I mean, the Apple family needed to make specific requests for rainfalls or dry days, Rainbow was our mare to call. Though she was more often than not found hiding in one of the farm’s hundreds of apple trees, napping the day away in between her stunt practice and mandatory weather service. Including today before I unceremoniously awoke her with a six foot drop.    What was Big Mac’s relationship with Rainbow Dash, however? I didn’t know, and that was with all of his memories. The two of them interacted… but Rainbow wasn’t quite as receptive to the Big Mac Patented form of communication. They weren’t on bad terms, but it was hard to say they were on any terms at all. Rainbow was Applejack’s friend, Big Mac was Applejack’s brother, and that’s about as far as their relationship went.    When Rainbow decided to finally stop glaring at me, I thought that would be where we would say our goodbyes and get on with our individual lives. We didn’t have anything to talk about, and I already apologized. The apples had to be picked up anyways, so I got to work filling the spilled bushel with the scattered apples. Once all of the apples were back in the bushels, and all of the bushels were back in the cart, I turned to see that Rainbow Dash was still there, still staring at me.  “…Is there anythin’ ah can do fer ya, Rainbow?” “What’s your deal, man?” She asked, hovering in the air and crossing her hooves.     There wasn’t a sentence that came to mind as a response to that bizarre question, and simple eeyup or nnnope answer wouldn’t fit. So I cocked my head at Rainbow Dash. Hoping my confused expression would be enough for her to continue off of. “Every time I see you nowadays, you look grumpier than Rarity when a piece of dirt touches her hoof. What’s gotten into you lately?”     Rainbow leaned in towards me, eyes narrowed towards my downtrodden gaze. What did she mean by “lately”? This is the first time I have seen her. There’s no way she could be talking about me personally…     No, she was talking about Big Macintosh, not me. Applejack and Big Mac were fighting before I came into the picture. Someone as close to Applejack as Rainbow would have heard about it, and there were moments of interaction between Big Mac and Rainbow during that time.  “Ah’m… ah just have a lot on my mind, is all,” I replied. The easiest way to respond to that type of question without actually telling them anything. “Well the stuff on your mind, Mac, is causing Applejack a lot of trouble!” She said with a huff, her hoof pointed accusingly at my chest.  “We ain’t fightin’ no more. We pinkie promised on it.” “I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about what Applejack told me yesterday.”    …Huh? Rainbow Dash backed away and landed back on the ground. Not that she was at all phased by our height difference. “Whad’ya mean?” I asked. “I mean how you’re all depressed and stuff, dude. Applejack told me all about it.” “…What exactly did she say?”  “How you’ve been avoiding everypony, how you’re so mopey and dull all the time now, or how you don’t seem to care about yourself anymore. All that emotional stuff, oh and you bucking me out of a tree! All of it’s bringing Applejack down.”    Rainbow Dash craned her neck to come snout to snout with me. Glaring up at my naturally confused expression. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, Mac, but I don’t like it when my friends are being brought down by somepony. What’s. Your. Deal?”    It was made quite clear to me that Rainbow Dash wasn’t about to back down until I gave a proper answer to her question. She may be a lazy pony, but Rainbow didn’t stop for nothing when it came to her friends. Even if it came out… irrationally? No, there was a reason behind it.    What she just said wasn’t at all about Big Macintosh. It was about me. Why would Applejack talk to Rainbow Dash about me? More importantly, why would she care? She knows I’m an intruder, an outsider who took her brother’s body away from him. Why does she care about me? It should bother her that I am here to begin with. Did everything with these ponies have to be so complicated?… Or was it not complicated at all? “Ah just…” I sighed, “Look, Rainbow, ah’m strugglin’ with things ah don’t want to Applejack or anypony else to have ta worry about. She knows more than most, ah don’t want her to deal with anymore than that.” “Look, Mac, I don’t really care what you got going on, but if you’re gonna let Applejack know what’s up, then you have to let her know everything!” Rainbow Dash finally backed off, but the glare didn’t go away. “You’re her brother, for Celestia’s sake! You know she can’t take secrets!”    It was unfortunate how right she was, and how much I underestimated just how important that first decision I made was. Letting Applejack into the secret was what led to this. Which meant that I had to make it right. “Ah’ll fix it, ah promise.” “You better!” She said with a huff, and rose back into the air.  “That ain’t yer apple.”    Rainbow Dash then dropped the apple she had hidden behind her, and dashed off towards Ponyville. A colorful trail of an obvious variety followed her.  “Sorry fer buckin’ ya.” I said to the air that once was occupied by a pegasus. The rest of the afternoon promised more work, but I already knew it wouldn’t hold back the thoughts today.    How do we fix this one, Mac? I pondered, and continued on with bucking.    Dinner was quiet without Applejack and Granny Smith. Apple Bloom looked unsure of what to talk about over our apple themed dinner. The entire meal went by without anything of note. Which meant I could get back to work right afterward. The Farm’s books had to be updated, and all the new expenses from the Apple family reunion added much to my calculations tonight.    As the sky began to tint orange, and the eventual drop of the sun below the horizon would come, Applejack stopped by the dining table where I worked. Granny Smith walking by behind her. “Hey Ga-… Mac, I got some numbers ah need added to the books, from the business with Filthy, could ah give em to you?” “Eeyup.” She called me Mac, but with Granny heading up the staircase nearby, I understood why she did. There was no need to correct her. That simple act of lying came so unnaturally to her, I could feel the discomfort oozing off of her just from having to say that. It reminded me of what Rainbow Dash said, and made me feel just as bad for it. “Thank ya Ma-…” Applejack looked off towards the staircase, where Granny had just disappeared from to her room. A sigh of relief escaped her lips. “Thank ya, Gabe. Was everythin’ alright on the farm?” “Eeyup.”    Her brow slightly raised, and I could see that expression from this morning begin to etch onto her face again. “…Nothin’ at all?” “Eeyup..” “…Alright, ah’ll see ya in the mornin’ then.” She left the papers I needed on the table, and promptly moved towards the staircase. Ears pressed against her head underneath the stetson.     I didn’t want to do this, but I knew what it was that was bothering her, and I knew that it was bothering me that it was bothering her. My one moment of happiness here was shot down below the horizon just as quickly as Celestia’s sun did, and I didn’t want it to be the last one.  “Actually,” I spoke up before Applejack could leave my field of view. Her ears perked up immediately at Big Mac’s voice calling to her. “There is somethin’ I wanna talk to you about.”    Applejack’s head swiveled back. Her eyes became as wide as dinner plates, pointed in my direction. She hurried her way back towards the table, and took a seat next to me. Patiently waiting for what I had to say… I was not expecting her to be this eager. “…Well, Uh, Ah feel like ah’m hurtin’ yer feelings in some way, and ah wanna… Ah wanna fix that, since ah don’t wanna be hurtin’ you while ah’m here.” “Hurtin’ me? No, yer not hurtin’ me at all. Ah mean, it’s takin’ me a minute to get used to… all this, but it ain’t bringin’ me any pain right now. What made ya think that?” “Rainbow mentioned talkin’ to ya about me.”  “…Oh.” Applejack groaned, “That darned mare needs ta learn that she doesn’t need to stick her nose in every time ah vent a little. Ah’m sorry, Gabe. It ain’t nothin’ like that.” “Then what is it like, Applejack?”    She studied me after I asked her my question. Applejack’s brow furrowed and I could see her try to form a sentence multiple times, only for the words to fail her when they reached her lips. Instead, she gave up trying to sugarcoat whatever she was about to say.  “Look, sugarcube, ah know that we don’t… Well, we don’t really know each other very much, but yer still somepony, and sometimes you act like you ain’t somepony, and that worries me, Gabe.”    I cocked my head, and just like Rainbow Dash, Applejack took that as a queue to continue on. “Despite our fightin’ before, you’ve been mighty respectful of the spot yer in. There hasn’t been a minute where ya haven’t reminded me that yer gonna bring mah brother back, and ah appreciate that… but ya don’t seem to care about yerself at all in the process of all this. Ah don’t want somepony who’s doin’ everythin’ they can to fix a messy situation to forget that they’re a pony too.” “But why?”  “Because-“ Applejack blinked and gave me an incredulous look. “Whaddaya mean, why?”    Now that she finally asked, I was more than happy to answer and get this off my chest. “Ah’m not Big Mac, ah’m Gabriel. A stranger, a nobody. A trespasser in yours and yer family’s life. Hell, ah stole your brother’s body! Why do ya care so much about what’ll happen ta me? About what’s goin’ on with me? Ah shouldn’t matter to ya. So why do ah matter?”    It was my hope that saying this would make something click inside of Applejack’s head. Like she would suddenly realize, “Oh, he doesn’t matter! Why am I worrying so much about it, silly me!” It made so much sense to me, but clearly, it didn’t make sense to Applejack.    Bonk. “Ow.” I said when Applejack’s hoof connected with the top of my head.  “Ah don’t want to hear you say that ever again, ya hear me?”     The first thought that came to mind was the Pinkie Promise. Did a single act of physical violence count as breaking the promise? Was Pinkie about to knock down our door? I watched the door for a few moments, and when no pink menace appeared, I breathed a sigh of relief. We haven’t started fighting unless I fought back against her. A troubling idea to say the least. “What did ah say that was wrong?” I asked. “Everythin’ about that, Gabe!” Applejack let out snort. “This is what ah mean, ya don’t care at all about yerself. Of course ya matter! Yer not Big Mac, but that don’t mean you are some invader ah have ta hate. The very first idea ya had to fix this whole thing was gettin’ rid of you. Do you even understand how startlin’ that was to hear? Ah want my brother back too, but not at the cost of somepony else’s life!” “…That wasn’t what ah meant when ah said that…” “Then what did ya mean when ya asked her to destroy ya?” “Ah…” Applejack narrowed her eyes at me, and I was once again reminded that secrets were not her favorite thing. If I really tried to hide it any longer, it would only make things worse over time. I had to tell her the truth, the truth that Dream Heart had forced out of me. Except that this time, it would be my own choice to speak it. “…Applejack, do ya remember when ah didn’t want to talk about my family?”    She nodded. “Well… there was a reason fer that. I’ve lost my entire family, every single one of ‘em.”    Applejack’s face held an expression of abject horror as I detailed all of my family members. My parents who died when I was young, my grandma who passed away from natural causes, and my sister, the most recent and most felt loss for me. She seemed lost in what to say or do when I described it to her. The idea of having nobody in her family left was probably the thought that haunted her mind after what I had said. She tried to ask me if I had any extended family, and she looked even more horrified when I told her no. Despite my similarities to Big Mac, my family was nothing like the expansive Apple family. “When ah came here, Applejack, and ah remembered everything Big Mac felt about his family… It hurt a lot, because ah want what he has here. What you have with him, that love and security. Hell, there are times where interactin’ with you and Apple Bloom remind me of Daniella… and ah just can’t let myself indulge in that. Ah’m not yer family, and it’s wrong o’ me to use you to cope over what ah’ve lost. Ah want to be gotten rid of so ah don’t start gettin’ selfish, and wantin’ all this for myself. Ah don’t really know what that would entail… but it’d be better than takin’ somethin’ away from you and yer family.”    The source of everything I have done was now laid out in front of Applejack. Why I had to make it so clear that I wasn’t Big Macintosh. Why I avoided interaction outside of what was necessary… Why it was hard for me to find anything for myself in this world. I didn’t deserve this, and I would never want to take away somepony else’s life to get exactly what I wanted.    …Did I just say somepony?    The thought was lost to me when a pair of orange forelegs wrapped around my barrel and squeezed tight. I looked down to see Applejack’s blonde mane taking up a majority of my vision, her stetson fallen on the ground behind her. She had just rushed up to me and brought me into a tight embrace. I could feel myself tense up against her warmth, and the feeling of cool tears landing atop my shoulder from where her head rested.    Images of Daniella raced through my mind, of bad days where she needed someone to hug. Instincts from years of being a parental big brother acted, and made me wrap my hooves around Applejack in return. Rubbing her back gently and making sure she was secure in my returned embrace.  “Ah’m so sorry, Gabe. A-Ah never thought that you’d be dealin’ with somethin’ like that.” Applejack’s voice was shaky, and my heart nearly stopped when I thought about how she felt at that moment. She was probably imagining what it would be like if everypo- body in her life was gone. No guiding hand to teach her like Granny Smith, or no loving little sister to watch over like Apple Bloom.     Then there was the extended family, imagining that there was nobody else in the world who she could reach out to and receive unconditional love from? It must have been unimaginable for her. Even if it was my former reality. “You ain’t got nothin’ to be sorry for, Jack,” I said softly, resting my head atop her own. The nickname came from instinct, not Big Mac this time.  “You know what happened with our parents, right? Ah can’t… ah can’t imagine that happenin’ with everypony. That’s just… that’s just too awful.” “Eeyup, ah know, and it won’t happen. Ah won’t let it happen.”  “Gabe, that ain’t enough! Promise me you ain’t gonna get rid of yourself when this is all over. Ya don’t deserve to beat yourself up so badly over this. If anypony deserves to be happy, it’s you.” “Ah…” “Promise me!”    Those instincts were strong, and with such a distraught little sister gripped tightly onto me, I couldn’t fight back against them. All I wanted at that moment was to make her feel better, to reassure her that it would be okay. Whatever I had to do to make that happen would be done. No questions asked. “Ah promise.” “Good!”     Her embrace didn’t end when I made the promise. If anything, she squeezed even tighter than before. Ponies were a more affectionate species than humans, and this type of thing was more common here than it was before. Not that it made those affectionate feelings any less weird for me. I wanted to squash any feelings of affection I had in this world, and yet here I was embracing them.     The worst, or perhaps best part was how I felt that smile come back to me as I held her tight. It was in that very moment that the sun fell beneath the horizon, and night began in Equestria. Now under the silver moonlight that creeped in from the windows, I felt warmer now than I had felt throughout the entire day.     It was truly everything I’ve ever wanted.