//------------------------------// // Anon’s diplomatic adventure // Story: Adventures of thestral Anon // by ImNew2023 //------------------------------// Sat on his throne, Anon, the most based king of the glass horses watched as Princess Celestia, the not so stomped down the throne room towards him. Stood at the side, the Mane 6 and Spike could only watch in horror. Knowing that once Celestia got to Anon the result would be so brutal that they won’t even be able to put in the 10 pm news. “Hi Celly” Anon greeted, the mad bastard not realising the rage on his usually calm, cake loving friend’s face. “ENOUGH!” Celestia bellowed.  Stopping mere feet away from Anon, Celestia glared him down. “I have had it Anon, I’ve given you infinite chances to adapt to pony society and you’ve spat in my face every time, I’ve hit my limit!” Celestia snapped, truly having had enough of Anon’s shit. “You know it’s not really infinite chances if you’ve got a limit” Anon countered being mathematically correct. “Is everything in life a joke to you!?” She asked. “No but a lot of it is, that’s how I get invited to all the good parties” Anon explained. Celestia was not amused by his wit. “I’ve had it! I can forgive everything else. But you’ve foalnapped my subjects! And why? Some selfish attempt to annoy me!?” She yelled, having been completely consumed with anger. Meanwhile the poor girls and dragon watched helplessly as the usually happy and kind princess chewed Anon out. They thought it could get worse. It got worse. Anon pimp slapped Celestia. While the others gasped or fainted, Spike prepared to order a coffin for the remains of Anon that they'll be able to get off the wall he’ll get splattered on. (Massive rant incoming) “Selfish? SELFISH!? Let me tell you something about being selfish Sun-Ass. By your description being selfish is trying to rule a nation while your family is halfway across the continent.  Being selfish is finding a permanent solution to the Discord question by giving him a plot of uninhabited land to do his chaos shit in so next time he escapes he won’t spread it all over Equestria.  Being selfish is knowing every second you’re asleep you’re subjects have communists to the east, shapeshifting love vampires to the west and a Yak warlord to the north who’s one dead Rutherford away from marching his army south and sacking the place because last time I was there I slept with his mother and spoke in my Borat impression the whole time. And before you say “I deal with that everyday” you’ve got the elements, a huge army of cannon fodder and the ability to love the fucking Sun. I don’t have any of that shit. I’ve got to deal with all of this at once while modernising this place. That’s been sealed away for a thousand fucking years, AND raise my kids to be functional adults.  You’ve got Luna to help with paperwork, Twilight’s friends to sort out every external threat and you don’t have any foals to worry about. I’m trying to do all of the shit they help you with practically by myself at once. While trying to figure out how to do with while finding a way to see my family without . Cadance is too busy as she is! She’s trying to be Princess of Love, an expecting mother AND is running herself ragged helping me manage the day to day affairs of this place. I’m being pulled in a million directions at once and I don’t know which way to turn!” (Rant is now over) Everyone in the room was silent for a moment.  Even Celestia, formerly consumed with anger, now stood still. The slight red oval on her cheek from being bitch slapped starting to settle. It was at this moment, three years after meeting him. She realised Anon isn’t out to make her life bad. It was just a negative side effect. “Nonny, you should have told us. We could have helped” Pinkie said. “There are some things that can’t be fixed by friendship Pinks” Anon explained. The mood of the room changed significantly. Where there was rage, fear, and whatever goes on in the dark void where Anon’s brain should be. It was replaced by quiet. “Ok, but I don’t understand one thing, why didn’t you just move the Empire to Ponyville?” Pinkie asked. The mood immediately went back to fear. “PINKIE NO!” Her friends said in panic. “Wait wha?” Anon asked. “I mean nopony really lives in the Everfree except for Zecora. And it’s HUUUUUUGE, you could plop the city down there and just fly down to town at the end of the work da-“ Pinkie began to explain before being tackled by her friends. “Anon, I’m sorry for misjudging your intentions but don’t-'' Celestia said as she saw a lightbulb appear above Anon’s head. “That’s a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that!” Anon exclaimed, facehoofing himself. “Anon please” Celestia almost begged. “YO DIS-NUTS!” Anon called out. Popping into the room Discord floated over the throne, looking smug as usual. “You rang?” He asked. “Hey change of plans, I need you to move the Empire and its crystal mines to the Everfree” Anon explained. Letting out an exaggerated sigh Discord slumped over. “I just moved Ponyville now you’re telling me I have to move it back? There’s just no pleasing you is there?” He asked. “I’ll let you do whatever you want with the frozen wastes when the job’s done” Anon offered. “You’re letting him do what!?” Celestia yelled. “It makes perfect sense. Discord can do whatever chaotic shit he wants in the Empire’s borders excluding the city itself and a few tunnels of normalcy to allow trains between Yakyakistan and Equestria to move freely, the crystal ponies get to keep their chosen king, my kids get their dad, Stalliongrad doesn't get to expand into the region. Everyone wins!” Anon explained. “Anon you’re planning to drop a city nearly twice the size of Manehattan into my kingdom” Celestia pointed out. “Hey the Everfree is half the size of Texas, and it’s not like you were using it” Anon pointed out. “Yeah Tia” Discord backed his chaos-friend up. Subconsciously pushing aside the terrifying realisation that these two were basically the same, and the confusion of what a ‘Texas’ is, Celestia regained her composure. “Anon, I understand you’re trying your best to live two lives, but I have to put my hoof down. Letting Discord reign freely is bad enough, you can’t just drop twelve million ponies into Equestria’s border” she said. “I mean it’s better he does this thang in a confined, unpopulated region then anywhere where someone lives. Plus the Empire is rich in resources so we can trade for anything we need. I’m king of the glass horses not king of the  refugees” Anon argued. “Anon is a pronounced THING, not THANG, and my answer is still no,” Celestia stated. “You just don’t use thang because you ain’t gangsta” Anon argued. “Anon” Celestia stated, starting to lose her patience again. Rolling his eyes Anon let out a sigh “ok ok, I’ll do what you ask” Anon said reluctantly. “Thank you Anon” Celestia responded, a relaxed smile spreading across her face. “But” Anon continued, making Celly mentally scream in agony. Turning around, Anon started walking out the throne room, chanting as he did. “But but but but but but but” he chanted, his voice getting quieter as he moved away. It was a few minutes before he returned, all three of his children on his back, still chanting. One of them was the black foal we all know as Albus, but the others were the cream coloured foals Anon’s had with Cream Heart. Both of them having grown out small tufts of black hair on their tiny heads. “But but but but but but but but but, BUT” He said, stopping just in front of Celestia. Sitting down Anon moved his kids in front of him, the tiny foals looking up at Celestia in wonder.  “Celly, these are my kids, you know Albus but these little ladies are String Theory and Strong Tooth. They’re named that because one I don’t understand how she works and the other tries to eat everything she gets her maw on. Now, I’ll put Ponyville back and let you reseal Discord-“ Anon said before being interrupted. “Hey hey now that wasn’t part of the deal!” Discord protested. “Discored, you just don’t get it, do you?” Anon asked. “I’m not going back into-“ “Shush” “Don’t you dismiss me like tha-“ “Shush” “You’re acting my like a foal than your ow-“ “Ever heard the story of a man named shush?” “I’m just saying-“ “Shush” “-“ “Shush, before you even start, that was a preemptive shush, now just remember I’ve got a whole bag of shush with your name on it” Glaring at the thestral for a moment Discord huffed, folding his arms as he proceeded to pout. “Now back to the issue, Celly I will do all the previous things and apologise for stealing a town, IF, you can look into the eyes of these foals and explain to them that their AUNTY TIA is the reason their daddy can’t be there to tuck them into bed at night” Anon explained. Gaining a darker expression Celestia glared at Anon. “That, that is low even for you” she said grimly. “Aw, bless your heart. You assumed there’s such a thing as low for me” Anon said, almost cooing at the innocence of this mare. While she had a neutral expression as she looked down at these foals. Inside her mind Celestia was in the middle of the most epic beam struggle in anime history. “We can’t let him keep getting away with everything!” One half of her mid said. “But these foals are so cute! We can’t deprive them of their father, no matter how insane he is, he literally moved the earth itself to be with them!” The other argued. “Tia we have millions of ponies relying on us to stay strong! How are they going to react when they see that we let a foreign leader just MOVE his entire nation into Equestrian lands?” The first half argued. “They’d see that their princess is willing to do anything to help out friends in need” “Well, you’re fat!” “You’re me! Calling me fat is just calling yourself fat!” “Oh no, logic!” Eventually the softer side overpowered the stricter half. Letting out an audible moan of annoyance Celestia relented. “Fine!! But! You owe me!” Celestia warned. “Thanks Celly” Anon thanked, oblivious to how utterly serious Celestia was. “Number one. Twelve million to beam up” Anon said to Discord, completly unaware of the irony that he was using his Patrick Stewart impression. Landing over a large chunk of the Everfree, every town along its border for ten miles could see the great tower in the heart of the city standing tall in the sunlight. “Why am I still friends with you?” Celestia asked. “Because in the end of the day you love me” Anon stated. A week passed after that, the Crystal Empure fit snuggly into the edge of the Everfree Forest. Ponyville was returned to its natural state and Discord had turned most of the territories in the north into his Duchy of Chaosville, while officially still part of the Empire it was all but the playground of the chaos spirit. It was safe to say that Stalliongrad was not best pleased, but it’s Discord so whatcha gonna do? The chaos spirit was nice enough to teleport the Yak prince to Anon’s palace and back for weekly visits. In his words. “The furthur away from me those yaks get the better” All seemed right with the world. Except for the fact that String Theory and Strong Tooth were still running their parents ragged. “How did you make the squares into a circle? And why is that one still green!?” Anon begged his daughter to explain how all her grey Lego blocks had formed into a perfect circle. And where she got the green one, considering he hadn’t gotten her any green legos. Sat playing with String Theory and Albus, Anon rubbed his head. Trying to figure out how she managed it. Strong Tooth was there as well, but being the consumer of worlds she was had spent most the time trying to eat her baby bottle. She had yet to succeed. “Your majesty” a guard said, letting himself into the living room of the castle. “Your airship for Griffonia is ready” he explained. “I will learn your secrets when I return, you squishy little eldridge being” Anon said looking his daughter in the eyes. His determination and seriousness are on full display. String Theory on the other hand just giggled. Meeting with Cream by the landing pad Anon passed their kids over to her, giving his marefriend a nuzzle before going to depart. “Just promise you won’t cause an international incident” Cream asked. “Cream I promise I won’t cause an international incident. It’s just a basic in and out diplomatic meeting, nothing more nothing less” Anon said, calming her nerves slightly. Boarding the airship Anon went off on his long journey to Griffonia. It was an airship so it took a whole fucking week to get there. But he did manage it. Countless ornate and elaborate buildings littered the vast settlement. With the city at its heart, the imperial palace, being the largest and most ornate of all of them. Landing in imperial capital Anon was met by several heavily armoured griffons.  “Welcome to Griffenheim your majesty, the Emperor is waiting for you in the palace” the lead guard said. “Cool” Anon responded casually. Following them through the august hallways of the palace Anon came to a pair of large golden doors before the guards leading him stopped. “Apologies your grace, we didn’t know you were visiting,” the lead guard said, bowing enough for Anon to catch sight of a pink female griffon. “It’s quite alright Captain, oh, hellos again Anon, it’s been a while” she said, smiling at our Floridian protagonist once she caught sight of him. “Who the fuck is this bitch?” Anon thought, having never seen this griffon in his life. “Heyyyyy, you?” He said awkwardly trying to dig through his mind to find her name. Raising her eyebrow slightly she giggled a little. “Don’t you recognise me? From Princess Celestia’s royal Gala two years ago” she said, trying to jog his memory. “Oh yeah, sorry I got totally smashed that night. I don't remember a thing, other than I’m banned from entering Saddle Arabia for some reason” Anon confessed. “Then allow me to reintroduce myself, Duchess Gabriela Eagleclaw, it’s a pleasure to see you again Anon, or is it your majesty now?” She introduced herself, adding a teasing tone to her last few words. “Oh shit I remember you now, oh shit I remember you down” Anon parroted himself, first time with joy and second time with dread. “Crap, I slept with her,” Anon thought to himself. Memories of being thrown around like a rag doll by the dutchess slowly flooding back into his mind. “Forgive me for interrupting, but we can’t keep the Emperor waiting for long,” the Captain explained.  “Quite right Captain, shall we?” Gabriela said, opening the door and entering the throne room. Following, Anon looked across the long rectangular room. At the far end, sat upon a throne that looked more like a tapestry than anything was Grover. “Jesus fucking Christ on a stick how many diseases does this guy have all of them!?” Anon thought to himself at the sight of the sickly Emperor. “Welcome to Griffenheim King Anon, I assume your trip was pleasant” Grover greeted. “Glad to be here” Anon responded. Moving to a meeting room, Anon sat at one end of a medium sized oak table, with Grover sat at the other and Gabriela in the middle to the right side. “So, what can we do for each other?” Grover asked. “Right now I need some professional soldiers to help train up a volunteer military and I’ve got the crystals to pay for them” Anon explained. Grover scratched his beak, mulling over the offer. “We don’t have as many soldiers to spare as we once did, it would be taxing” he admitted. “I don’t need an army, just enough to train my own soldiers, I’ll happily pay for all the expenses of having them away from their posts” Anon offered. Grover looked over to Gabriela, waiting for her to nod. As she did he turned back to Anon. “I can lend you two platoons,” he offered. “That’ll do me fine” Anon agreed. “Good, now how about we move onto civilian economics?” Grover suggested. “Oh shit I should have drank something before coming” Anon’s brain groaned. The three rulers sat and continued to discuss trade, foreign policy and what kind of ice cream they all enjoyed. You know, everything important to the peace and prosperity of the world. While excusing himself for a bathroom break, Anon roamed the hallways of the palace. Taking in the scenery he heard something. A light, distant crying.  Heading in its direction Anon recognised it as a baby crying. Coming to a wooden door, Anon opened it. Walking inside Anon found himself in a nursery-like room. “I probably shouldn’t be in here, a good guest would just leave” Anon said to himself.  Celestia’s meltdown from last week is still resonating in his mind. As he started walking deeper into the room anyways, Anon found the source of the crying. Said whining in a red cot was a baby griffon, barely older than String or Strong. With his parental instincts kicking in Anon immediately tried to comfort the little ball of feathery fluff. “Hey hey, no need to cry. I don’t have any milk or worms or whatever you eat but I can talk your ears off about stuff if you want” Anon offered, inadvertently making the baby stop crying. Instead he started giggling, trying to reach up and touch and grab Anon. Leaning into the cot Anon let the baby grab onto his muzzle. Smiling lightly as the infant grabbed onto his snoot, Anon chuckled. “I wonder who your mama is lil guy” Anon said softly as he looked down at the griffon baby. Then a dark thought entered Anon’s mind. “He couldn’t be. Gabriela could have had. It was years ago. But eggs take a while to hatch. I mean if me and Chrysalis can” Anon asked himself, his mind racing to come to a conclusion he could be happy with. “Whelp time to leave” Anon said, gently rocking the infant to sleep before sneaking out. Slowly turning his light trot into a sprint. As the airship left Griffenheim, Anon sat on the bridge, looking over the map to see what other nations inhabit this continent. “Griffonstone? Holy shit Gilda lives there. Captain turn this ship south we’re making a detour” Anon ordered. “Um, your majesty, that would extend our trip by a day” the Captain explained. “Don’t worry we’ve bought more supplies from Griffenheim we can make it” Anon dismissed. “Yes, but why are we going to Griffonstone? From what I know it’s a destitute city stuck in perpetual decay” the Captain argued. “Yes, but I have three very important reasons to want to go there. You see a griffon named Gilda lives there, she came to Ponyville once and established herself as a colossal bitch. So my reasons for wanting to go there are” Anon began. Gloat that I live in a palace while she’s stuck in that shithole. My memory is soaked with booze but I think I lost my virginity to her and I need to check I didn’t get her pregnant because I don’t have time for a fifth kid. Because I’m the guy who pays you so do your job. “Sire I thought you only had three children” the Captain asked, wondering if his maths was off. “I’m not Button’s step-dad, I’m his dad who stepped up. Because his biological father died from snu snu” Anon explained. Realising that it was meaningless trying to argue with him the Captain adjusted their course. So far everything has gone perfectly fine. Nothing went wrong at all. Unfortunately Anon again got drunk after a few ciders.  Waking up with a pounding headache, Anon felt himself being dragged somewhere. Groggily he blinked his eyes, looking around expecting his guards to be pulling him to his bed. Instead he found himself inside a darkly lit room, bones and demonic symbols carved into the walls.  “Wait a minute this isn’t my sex dungeon” Anon’s brain groaned. Turning his attention to those dragging him. Anon’s eyes went wide at a pair of moving skeletons dragging him along the cold stone floor.  Leading them was a unicorn who appeared to have his flesh slowly rotting away. He stopped just before a large wooden table with several high backed chairs surrounding it. “Mistress, we found this thestral wandering the border. He was singing a song claiming to be someone called ‘Merlin the happy pig’” the rotting unicorn explained. Vaguely remembering that, Anon rubbed his head. Talking from her seat to a few feet away from Anon, a pink unicorn mare looked down at him with contempt. “Well, I’m Anon, nice to meet you, who are you?” Anon asked. “I am Rosa Maledicta, leader of the Dread League, why have you trespassed in our territories?” She asked. “Well you see, I got drunk. Some other stuff happened, and now I’m here” Anon explained, using what little info on what’s happened that he had. “You… got drunk, and stumbled into the land of the dead?” Rosa asked, doubt in her voice. “Land of the… what? Wait so these aren’t illusions or Scooby Doo costumes?” Anon asked, looking at the skeletons, vampires and ghouls surrounding him.  Some of them looked particularly hungry. “No, I assure you they are all quite real. Magehold is a refuge for those your normal pony friends cast out for having gifts they didn’t ask for. Their friends, family, they all shunned them. Just like they did me” Rosa explained, her disdain for ‘normal ponies’ as she put it on full display. Anon began sniffling, tears slowly emerging out his eyes. His heartstrings being ripped out by her story. “That is the second saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” Anon said. “Exactly, you ponies speak of friendship and love yet you cast out those whose talents don’t align with your beloved ideals. But soon, soon you will know the pain of my existence. To feel helpless in your final moments as you-“ Rosa monologues before being interrupted. “Imma hug you” Anon stated. “What?” Rosa asked, being completely caught off guard by the thestral’s words.  “I said imma hug you” Anon repeated. Crinkling her nose in disgust Rosa glared down at the intruder. “don’t even think about it” she ordered. “Imma hug you” Anon repeated with more determination as he forced himself to his hooves, throwing off the skeletons holding him down. At the sight Rosa’s horn lit up with magic. “Ghouls! Tear him apart!” she ordered. But poor Rosa didn’t realise something about her opponent.  He’s a Floridian, telling him not to do something will only make him want to do it more. Grabbing onto a discarded sword with his teeth Anon rushed forward. The various ghouls and skeletons who tried to get in his way being torn apart by the Micheal Bay tier display of violence Anon commuted upon them. Holy shit that one guy’s arm flew a mile! Oh never mind he’s a skeleton he just picked it back up. Tearing through his enemies he threw the sword in the air distracting everyone. Taking her eye off him for a moment was Rosa’s final mistake. Before she could summon a spell Rosa found herself wrapped in a bear hug from the green thestral. Who was oddly enough… purring? “Get the buck off me!” Rosa demanded, trying to shake Anon off. “Never! You’re my daughter now!” He yelled, holding onto that hug like his life depended on it. “What!? No! Now get off!” Rosa sneered. “Nope! I’m switching to the Pinkie method. I’m disregarding your wishes, invading your personal space and sticking it out until you reciprocate my feelings!” Anon stated, still holding tight to his ‘daughter’ And so he held out. Using whatever undead was within grabbing distance as a meat/bone shield against the onslaught of attacks from vampires, skeletons and lich alike. At one point he cussed out a lich mare about her mane and actually reduced the monster to tears. But he was right there was indeed an undead bird making a nest in that mare’s hair. Several hours had passed, Anon was covered in cuts and scabs from the continued onslaught, the denizens of Magehold were now hesitant to approach the madstallion and Rosa had exhausted her magic reserves trying to throw, blast and burn Anon off. “Do… you… give… up?” Anon said, physically exhausted, but holding strong nonetheless. “Fine! I’m your daughter! Just let me go” Rosa submitted, having become sore from the constant hugging. “Yey, now pack your things sweetie it's time to go home” Anon said happily, letting his daughter breathe. “Excuse me? I’m not leaving Magehold. I’m the leader of the council” Rosa said, rejecting her ‘father’s’ order. “Ah, you were just adopted and you’re already arguing with your old man, don’t worry I’ve got it covered sweetie” Anon said. “Dizzy!” Anon called out. Moments later Discord appeared, Fluttershy in paw. “Oh what now, we were having a tea party” Discord asked before catching a look at Anon’s state. “Oh I’ve missed a lot” he added casually. The sight of scaring burnt tissue was enough to make Fluttershy to faint, almost falling out of Discord’s paw, being caught by the Chaos Spirit. The denizens of Magehold recoiled in fear. The fact this creature who wandered into their mist not only survived half the city trying to kill him but can summon the Master of Chaos so causually put fear into their investing hearts. “One town to beam up, if you don’t mind” Anon said. “Wow wow wow wow, you want me to drop a town of necromancers and vampires right into the heart of Equestria? Anon you do know me. But let’s get you cleaned up first” Discord said, looking over Anon’s battered state. “What do you mean?” Anon asked, tilting his head in confusion. Completely unaware his left wing had fallen off half an hour ago. “Oh, nothing, you’ve just got some dirt in your hair” Discord lied, before pulling out a comically large spray bottle and spraying Anon. In a flash of pink smoke his injuries were gone and the dirt that had gotten in his hair was removed. “Hold onto your shrunken heads, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!” Discord said as he snapped his fingers. Meanwhile at the Crystal Empire, currently sat on the Everfree, Cream Heart was livid. “What do you mean “I’ve lost the king!?” She yelled at the airship Captain. Parroting his words. Sheepishly, he explained himself. “Well, we went to Griffonia, picked up two dozen griffon soldiers to train the army back home. We then took a short detour so his majesty could float to some creature called Gilda. But when we went to wake his majesty up, he wasn’t there. We searched the area for five days and didn’t find him, then after we followed the orders in case of emergency and came home” Looking like she was about to choke a bitch, Cream Heart was partly calmed down by Twilight putting a hoof on her shoulder. “We’ll head to Griffonia right away, don’t worry Cream Heart we’ll find Anon as soon as possib-“ Twilight said before a flash of light cut her off. Seconds later the city of the dead appeared just a small trot outside Crystal City. It was in the dead of night so the vampire populace didn’t have to worry about exploding in the sunlight. “Welcome to your new home, now we’ll have to put down some ground rules but I’m sure once you’ve settled in you’ll be able to make all kinds of new firends” Anon addressed the crowd. “New friends!” A squeal of happiness shook through the empire. Anon knew what was rapidly approaching and was calm, while those of the Dread League were significantly more worried. “What the Tartarus was that!?” Rosa asked, looking around trying to see what the hell was happening. “That my dear is what happens when you take a Florida-girl, have her raised by the Amish and then give her enough frosting that she becomes the scariest thing to walk since the Jurassic period” Anon explained, trying his best to describe the existence of Pinkie. … Later, in the city of Canterlot, Princess Celestia heard about the ‘newest residence’ of the Empire. “HE LET WHO IN!!!!” She yelled in the Royal Canterlot Voice. AN: Someone get Celly a strawberry cheesecake and a strong pina colada. Girl gonna need it. Yeah only Anon could defeat a genocidal death cult of wizards by forcibly adopting their leader. Also I loved all your name ideas but I had to pick two eventually. But don’t worry I’ve come up with a solution for those whose names didn’t get picked. Just have more kids! Please pray for Cream Heart’s waistline.