Everything I ever wanted was sitting in front of me. The farm, and everything in it. Shadows moved through the house in the distance. Big Macintosh’s family, going about their daily routines just a short distance away. They were so easy to reach. Just a short walk through the orchard to the farm house. To home.
But not my home, no matter how much I envy’d the stallion who did call this place his home. It was better to be here than in that void… by a marginal amount. That overwhelming sense of dread was replaced with a longing, and feelings of guilt. It would be so easy, to act the part, to be Big Macintosh. To be a part of that loving, caring household…
“Well… nightmare’s gone,” I said with a sigh. The pressure Dream Heart was putting on me was to get the nightmare out. As soon as the void shattered, she had softened back to her usual self. That mare was surprisingly aggressive when she wanted to be, and I was a little bit annoyed that she forced me to admit it. Even if it was necessary. “What do we do now?”
To my own great relief, Dream Heart did not press on what I had just said. It didn’t quite make me forgive her for what she just did to me. If her methods inside of my dream made any progress in finding out what happened to Big Mac, I’ll forgive her then.
I’m sure she knew I was unhappy with her, the doctor was far more perceptive than most ponies. Being read like a book was not what I wanted right now. “…Now,” She spoke softly, as if trying not to agitate me, “Try changing something about the world around us. Anything that you would like to change.”
I don’t want to change any- No. “Alright,” I said, and looked to the nearby dirt path that led to the farm house in one direction, and Ponyville in the other.
“Imagine what you want, and believe that it is there.”
There was no particular thing I could think of wanting right now. My mind began wandering onto various ideas. Well, there was one idea. I imagined Big Macintosh, as he once was, standing right on that dirt path. I blinked, and instead of seeing Big Mac, I saw myself now standing on the dirt path.
“…That isn’t funny.” I said out loud to myself. This was my dream, I could criticize myself here.
“Well, you are certainly in some form of control. What were you imagining?” Dream Heart asked me,.
“…That I’d be standing here instead of there.” I obviously lied hoping she wouldn’t press it any further. Applejack was already a pony lie detector, a master dreamwalking mind reader didn’t change the fact that Big Mac and I never could get away with a lie for long.
“I see.” Dream Heart knew, I could tell by the way she regarded me. “Why don’t we try making something else? Oh! Maybe something that doesn’t exist in Equestria, perhaps? Try creating something from your home.”
Something from back home. That shouldn’t be too hard, I looked at the space in front of me and pondered. What would be the best thing to show to Dream Heart? My first thoughts were things with handles, but the Big Mac part of my head reminded me that most pony things have human-like handles. Hooves just stick to them, one of many perks of magic. So what would be the best thing to show her?
A cell phone could be good, but I was never really able to afford a nice one and can only think about the flip phone I used to own. Not that it would make a difference for a pony who’s never seen a phone before. Still, I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted to share. Phones were neat and all, but I always liked things with more mechanical skill to them… Maybe a car?
The image popped into my head, and a car had appeared in front of the two of us instantly. A 2008 Toyota Corolla, in that beige color that every 2000s sedan and family van had. There were two scratches in the front left headlight, and rust had been forming on the back bumper for several years now. The mileage on it was well over 250k, and it needed an oil change and a check on the rear axle.
“…Wow, what is that?” Dream Heart asked as she eyed the strange machine in front of her.
It was my car, the one I got for dirt cheap when I turned 16 and used every single day. I never had the savings to truly upgrade from it, so I pushed it for as long as I could. Thankfully, I got to do any maintenance I needed on it at work when I had free time. At no charge at all. This toyota wouldn’t have survived this long if it wasn’t for that.
Dream Heart had asked her question several seconds ago. She was waiting for an answer, but I never gave her one. I wasn’t trying to be rude or ignore her. For some reason, when I looked at my own car, I felt any words forming on my tongue fade before they could be spoken. It was odd, why would I be so unable to talk about a car I’ve driven and worked on for a decade? I could tell a novel’s worth of history of the things I did in this car, but nothing came to my lips.
“Holy shit, Gabe, watch out! Gabriel!!”
A man I knew had his voice echo through the dream. The doctor’s ears shot up, and looked at the world around us. Dream Heart had heard the same sentence call out from the sky above. When her eyes looked back to me, my car had disappeared. I didn’t want to look at it anymore.
“Are you alright, Gabriel?” She asked me.
“I… don’t know.” I said, and this time I was completely honest. What he said left me with an incredibly uncomfortable chill in the back of my neck. I didn’t want to see my car, or hear that voice, I didn’t want to think about it. Why I didn’t want to? I wasn’t sure, but it was better than thinking about it, that’s all I knew.
“Was that something somepony said to you?”
“Uh… well I don’t really know. I don’t remember hearing anythin’ like that.” Suddenly, I had the urge to rub my neck. “…Let’s move on to the next step, please.”
Dream Heart wanted to go further on the topic that just echoed across the entire dream, but decided against it in the end. Frankly, this entire dream exploration idea has not been what I was hoping for. Dream probably knew that if we didn’t move along and work on something substantial, I would quit. As much as she wished to probe me further for every little uncomfortable thought and feeling that crawled underneath my skin.
I know she’s just here to help…
Do I want help?
Of course I do! There are no other options I would ever consider. I need to find Big Macintosh. Even if I am left extremely uncomfortable inside of my own head.
“Next… why don’t we explore the memories of Big Macintosh? The one you didn’t want to talk about directly.”
Every step had to be something more uncomfortable, didn’t it? “Okay… how do I do that?”
“Much like the others. Recall the memory in your mind, and imagine that the world around us is the memory itself.”
She wasn’t wrong, it seemed incredibly easy to influence your own dream. Even if it doesn’t come out as you intended it to. My mind searched for Big Macintosh’s last memory. One that I knew would leave me feeling awful, but if there was something to learn from it, then I would have to bear that awful feeling and watch.
Why would you say that to me, Mac?!
Wrong memory.
If that’s the case, then you have no place bein’ mah brother!
There it is.
The two ponies appeared inside the Apple family household. The upstairs hallway that led to each of the family member’s private bedrooms. There they stood just a few steps away from two other ponies. One looked just like Gabriel in appearance, while the other was the form of Applejack. Both of them were fake, images created by Gabriel’s, or more correctly, Big Mac’s memories. Dream Heart and Gabriel’s presence was unnoticed by the two images, and they continued the memory as if nothing was different.
Going from the peaceful outside to this moment in history sent whiplash through Dream Heart and Gabriel. Their ears suddenly bombarded by the anger fueled back and forth of an argument boiling well over the limit. Granny Smith had just made her verdict on what the new growth for the farm would be, and Applejack’s new idea for a new variety of apple was chosen. Big Macintosh, who had for the most part of a decade been the one choosing the new growths for the orchard, had his plans shot down.
This led to the memory Gabriel now showed Dream Heart.
“Granny agreed already! Makin’ more gala apples fer cider would be nice, but would leave to much of the farm at risk o’ going under if the galas gets infected!” Applejack barked at Big Macintosh after he had approached her in the hallway, already looking to pick a fight.
“That’s why the new growth was separated from the rest of the galas!” Big Mac roared right back, “Now we are gonna struggle durin’ cider season like we always do!”
“We are always strugglin’ durin’ cider season, Mac. That’s why we work together as a family ta serve as many as we can! A new growth ain’t gonna magically solve it!”
Big Macintosh snorted hot air, and glared down at his sister. “Ah decided we needed galas to help the family. Ya decided we needed somethin’ new to appease yerself, Jack!”
Applejack scoffed, “Havin’ a new popular apple is only gonna help us! We read the same message from Apple Twirl tellin’ us how popular they’ve been in Fillydelphia! Why in the hay do you think ah’d ever choose somethin’ that wouldn’t help the family?!”
“Ah dunno, maybe how ya want ta lead the farm so badly now? Makin’ decisions like you’ve been the one leadin’ it fer a decade!”
She was taken aback by his firm statement, and the anger behind it. “Mac, are ya serious? We’re both adults, and ah’m just as capable of helpin’ make choices around here as you or Granny!”
“Nnnope! Clearly, you ain’t!” Big Macintosh glared down over his sister, his form towering above her. Applejack was never a mare to refuse a challenge, and was unaffected by her brother’s aggressive stance and loud voice. She would only match it. “After this hurts the farm, ya have no place leadin’ the farm, Applejack!”
“If that’s the case, then you have no place bein’ mah brother!”
Both Gabriel and Dream Heart saw the dream shift in color to fit the current mood of Big Macintosh. For almost all of this memory, the hallway had been tinted a fiery red. Burning with pent up frustration and rage that had been building for who knows how long. His frustrations had built up past the point of no return, and came out in an incoherent rage pointed towards Applejack.
That rage went silent the moment Applejack said he didn’t deserve to be her brother. A raging flame was snuffed out in seconds, replaced by a dull gray that surrounded everyone in the hallway, but only noticed by the two watching from a distance. It was a lifeless color, without passion or rage. Without love or envy. Only the worst of emotions could live in a color such as this. Fear and guilt.
“…Shucks, ah’m sorry, Mac. That was too far, ah just- Hey!”
Applejack tried to call out to Big Macintosh, but the stallion was already entering his bedroom when she did. The door was slammed behind him, with an audible click as the lock closed. She rushed to the door and knocked against it with hard slams of her hoof.
“Mac! Mac ah shouldn’t have said that! Ya know ah didn’t mean it! Mac!”
Mac! Mac! The voice went on, but Big Macintosh didn’t answer. Gabriel and Dream Heart’s perspective of the memory shifted to the inside of Big Mac’s room. Where a hyperventilating Big Mac now stood, the room was lifeless and gray, and the stallion locked inside of it didn’t know what to do. The words he had heard threw him into a shock.
He slumped against the side of his own bed with a heavy thump. His breathing eventually slowed, but in its place, Big Macintosh curled in on himself. Taking the fetal position on the hard wooden ground. That is where he stayed until he finally decided to sleep. Ignoring the heavy banging against his own door.
“He went to bed after that, and that’s the last thing I remember.” Gabriel said as they reappeared back outside of the Sweet Apple Acres household. The dirt on the path still pressed in from the car tires that previously rested upon it.
Dream Heart had taken that entire memory into her own memory. She hoped to remember the details while she lacked proper note taking equipment. It was an event that Applejack had already told her about. The fight between her and Big Mac that was followed by Gabriel’s appearance. To see it so clearly now from Big Macintosh’s perspective has helped Dream come to some of her own conclusions. Yet there was one part missing from the memory.
“Do you know at all what was going through Big Mac’s thoughts during that memory, Gabriel?” She asked the stallion next to her.
“Yup. He was feelin’ awful for what he said to her. Kept telling himself that he was an idiot for doing that.”
“Even during the argument?”
“Nope, there weren’t any words being thought during that… Big Mac was runnin’ on pure emotion, I think.”
This memory didn’t answer any of the how of what happened to Gabriel and Big Mac, but it gave Dream Heart an idea of a possible reason why it happened. Big Macintosh’s sudden shift from pure anger to cold guilt and fear was instant, and that feeling weighed upon him for that entire night. It’s likely that what Applejack said to Big Macintosh in that moment struck a chord with some form of-.
“Dr. Dream… if you could,” Gabriel interruped her train of thought. An uncomfortable expression on his face as he looked towards her. “This wasn’t Applejack’s fault… so, please don’t think that this was because of her.”
He stayed focused on Dream Heart. Intent on making sure his words were taken. Dream was not planning to place any blame on Applejack, but her thinking must have made him believe she would have… His response to that belief was far more interesting now, and Dream couldn’t help but try and find out.
“Did you think I was going to blame her, Gabriel?” She asked curiously. Gabriel pointed his gaze elsewhere when Dream suddenly returned his focus.
“We both know how that looks.” He said, “I’m just makin’ sure…”
“There is a possibility that what she said could have led to what happened to you.”
“Well, it didn’t.”
“Are you sure?”
“Nope, but I’d rather believe that than blame her for it… I don’t think Big Mac would want his sister to feel like she did this to him.”
“Is this coming from how you would feel if it was your sister in this position?”
He flinched. That’s exactly what it was. Gabriel always admitted far more through his behavior than his words did, but even today his words were telling Dream Heart about things she didn’t believe he intended to reveal. There was already a building connection between how he perceived the Apple family and his own deceased family. Those pieces had already been forming a picture for her, but now Gabriel outright said the quiet part.
Dream Heart knew better than to press that particular spot any further, however. Say it too loud and she may lose Gabriel completely. So she backed off, if only a little bit. There would be no spoken answer for her question, only a silent answer from the stallion. “It’s a respectable thing for you to do, especially for somepony who you aren’t related to. I am sure Big Macintosh would appreciate that as well.”
What she said was genuine, and helped to bridge the gap that was forming between them. There was other things Dream could try and learn that weren’t going to be so intrusive for Gabriel.
“…I just know that Big Mac would do the same thing if it was Daniella.”
“Is that so?”
“Yup. I’ve fought with my sister about stuff like that before… only… I won my argument.”
“You’ve… had this exact argument?” Dream cocked a brow, Gabriel nodded his head.
“I can show you, right? Just make the memory appear?”
“Yes you can, this will be one of your own memories then?”
“Yup, I-“ The words were cut short from Gabriel’s mouth as he realized the clearer picture. He was about to show his memories as a human to Dream Heart.
“…I should uh, warn you. My world is a little bit different from yours.”
“In what ways?”
“Well, it’s not as colorful. There’s no magic, it isn’t as… clean is not the right word, but it’s the only one I can think of.”
“If it would help, try describing it as if I was another human. Instead of a pony.”
“…Alright, it isn’t cartoony. It’s… real, in every sense of the word. The good and the bad that comes with that.”
Cartoony? Dream thought to herself. She did tell him to explain it that way, but she certainly had no idea what he meant by cartoony, or “real” for that matter… Whatever this memory would be, it apparently will be quite different from her own experiences. Which is what Gabriel was worried about. Dream Heart put on a reassuring smile.
“Don’t worry, Gabriel. I will not be uncomfortable seeing something different from what I am used to. Please, if you want to show me, I would like to see it.”
He hesitated for a few more moments, deciding for himself if this was truly something he wished to share. Until Gabriel finally came to a decision. He closed his eyes, and the world vanished around them.
“Are you kidding me?!” Cried the teenage girl as she removed the phone from her ear. Daniella had just gotten off the phone with Gabriel’s boss. The words he said to her had left the girl in a furious rage that nobody could quell, especially not the man sitting at the small dining table across from her.
“Did you seriously tell him that you would quit if he hired me?!” Daniella asked him, though it was better described as barking at him. “Did you say that, Gabe?!”
“Yup.” The man said stoically, idly chewing on the tobacco between his teeth. He had been expecting this reaction from her for days now, and knew what to expect. It would have been weird if Daniella hadn’t gone off at him after what he had just done.
For nearly ten years, Gabriel has worked at Crisp Auto Shop as a mechanic. The owner of the Auto Shop was the man who helped take care of him and Daniella after their parents died. They lived with their grandma, but she wasn’t well enough to look after a young boy and a toddler. In return for all he did to give them a comfortable childhood, Gabriel began working at the shop as soon as he turned sixteen.
A few days ago, Daniella turned seventeen years old. She was the star athlete in her high school. The top of track and field. Her athletic skills paired nicely with her can-do mindset of working. Most of her friends had gotten into more traditionally feminine hobbies, while Daniella had taken up wood working. She joined the carpentry club at school and even helped rebuild and repair much of their run down home for fun. Gabriel couldn’t be any more proud of the woman his little sister was becoming.
Except that she wanted to work in the auto shop. Daniella made this wish known to him before her birthday. She made it very clear to Gabriel that she didn’t like that he was the only one pulling his weight around the house. No member of the Ruiz family was going to be dead weight, and Daniella wanted to help out too.
“What, do you think I’m not ‘man’ enough to work on a car?”
“Nope.” He replied simply.
“Think I’ll become his go-to mechanic or something? We already know I can fix a broken manifold and replace the brakes on your car faster than you can. Scared you won’t be his favorite?”
“Nope.”
“Then what is it?! What possibly made you decide to do that?!”
Daniella was used to her brother’s simple way of speaking, he would talk more when he needed to. The problem was that he didn’t seem to think that this was a moment to further communicate. His answers were only making her angrier. Gabriel had to tell her something, or else she would start throwing things.
“I don’t want you working at the shop. That’s it.”
“You’re kidding, right? You better not say it isn’t safe for me to be there. I’ve been in that place just as much as you have!”
“Nope, it just isn’t for you!”
It was a miracle the phone in her hands hadn't already lodged itself into Gabriel’s skull. By all accounts, she was taking his hurtful words quite well. Even if the explanation may have warranted physical violence. “Why? Why isn’t it for me?! You started working there at sixteen! I know how to do the work. I want to work! I want to help out around here, I want to be the one helping you for a change, Gabe!”
When Gabriel shook his head again, Daniella growled and stomped towards the door. “Fine! But I’m not stopping just because you’re an ass! I’ll go to the body shop on the corner of 31st and Strawberry. I’m sure they’d appreciate the work I do more than my brother does!”
“Wait.” Gabriel said just before she could stomp out of the room entirely. She may have been filled with enough rage to erupt a volcano, but she somehow had enough will to stop and hear what he had to say.
“You remember that I also dropped out of high school after I started working there, right?”
“So? I would have only been a part timer on the weekends!”
“Dany, we both know you’d prefer working on a car or a job instead o’ studying, or hangin’ out with friends, or goin’ to parties or attending clubs. You’ll skip out on all of it, just like I did!”
“Yeah, and?!” Daniella snapped back around in a fury, “So you get to do all of that?! I want to work too! I want to help build us a life that’s better than this! Why are you afforded that chance while I’m stuck like this?!”
“Because I did that for you!” Gabriel finally snapped, angrily staring at Daniella. “I dropped out of school so I could get us our own place to stay! I stopped worrying about friends or fun activities so I could put more hours in and save up for your schooling! Every choice I have made, every single one, was made so that I could provide for you!”
Daniella’s fury had softened under his own growing anger, if only a little bit. Just enough to continue listening…
“The last thing I want is to see you do the same thing I did, because I worked fucking hard to make sure you didn’t have to! I can’t afford to get you into college, but dammit you have one last year of high school left and you cannot waste it working like me! Do you understand that?!”
After his outburst, the angry Daniella stood at the door in silence. Whether or not she did understand was a question he would never have an answer for. She didn’t stomp out the door, but she did walk out of it. Closing the door behind her.
“She didn’t get a job at that other shop after this.”
“Wow…” Dream Heart was still comprehending what she was seeing in front of her. It wasn’t unusual for ponies to dream of unusual creatures, but these ones were so incredibly detailed. There was no mistaking it, these “humans” came from a real memory! Gabriel was absolutely real, nopony could create such a vivid image of an alien creature in their dream without first seeing one, or in this case, living as one!
“That is a human… they’re beautiful. Nothing like us ponies, but amazing, in their own way…”
“Eeyup.”
As much as she wanted to continue her fascination with a new alien species. She was here as a psychiatrist, not any other -ist. While a proper researcher would consider the idea of human minds working differently than ponies, especially after seeing one, Dream had enough experience with Gabriel to assume that their minds worked similarly. Now she had to analyze that memory from her perspective. With that, one thing came to mind.
“Both you and Big Macintosh had a similar conflict between your sisters. About leading the family and providing for them. You were at the beginning of that struggle and staved it off, Big Mac was at its eventual climax…”
“…Eeyup..”
She didn’t mean to say that out loud, but it wasn’t the end of the world. The excitement of seeing a new species was keeping her lips loose. Gabriel could hear what she had to say anyways. Seeing the connections was important for the both of them.
As the world returned to the orchard of Sweet Apple Acres, Dream Heart faced Gabriel and smiled wide. “Gabriel, this glimpse into your mind has given me much to work with. If you give me some time, I think I will be able to find a way forward that will reveal to us what happened that night. Will you allow me this opportunity again? To view your memories and learn more from them? I think we both will be able to learn much from doing this again!”
The large red stallion looked idly towards Sweet Apple Acres. He shrugged his shoulders with a noticeable discontent. “If ya think it’ll help, ah guess. Ah’m sure it can’t hurt anymore than it already has.”
…Wait, Dream Heart had been too caught up in her own thoughts to recognize the change. His yups have turned back into eeyups… the country twang has returned. The doctor’s eyes went wide.
“Are you… Big Macintosh?”
“Eeyup.”
That single word was enough of a shock to break Dream Heart’s empty concentration. In seconds, she was thrown out of Gabriel’s mind, and forced awake in the chair. She was barely able to hold in the flood of nausea threatening to erupt from her.
The stallion sleeping on the couch in front of her had his eyes shoot open. Looking down at Dream Heart’s splayed out form in shock.
“Dr. Dream! Are ya alright?” He asked her, and the confusion she felt hearing that voice only made her nausea worse.
“…Is that… Mac?”
“…Nnnope, It’s Gabe, doc.”
“I saw him… I spoke to him…” burp, “Gabriel, I spoke to Big Macintosh!”
Dream Heart thankfully prepared a bucket behind the chair in case of an event like this, and used it to politely conceal the rather gross amount of vomit she was retching from her stomach. This focus on the bucket gave her no time at all to see Gabriel’s shock and subsequent joy.
Big Macintosh was there, inside of his mind.