“—and do you have any idea how hard it is to clean purple milkshake stains out of a Wonderbolt uniform? Those things are dry-clean only!” Rainbow Dash said as she slammed her hooves down on the table at Sugar Cube Corner. “And that’s not even getting into what its going to be like to have to tell Spitfire that half the team got taken out by a milkshake cannon.”
“To be fair, you’ve got to admit, those were some pretty good berry surprise milkshakes,” Pinkie Pie chimed in, only to slink back down as Rainbow Dash glared daggers at her.
“Come on, RD, it weren’t that bad,” Applejack half-heartedly protested. “It ain’t like anypony were hurt or nothin’. Besides, y’all wouldn’t’ve even been in the line of fire if that clerk at Town Hall hadn’t gotten their dates mixed up, so it weren’t even really the professor’s fault this time.” Rainbow Dash didn’t appear to be mollified by this argument in the slightest, letting out an irritated snort.
“There shouldn’t have even been a ‘line of fire’ to begin with. Who the hay even builds a milkshake cannon? And we both know you’re only on Professor Nutjob’s side because he’s supposed to be your distant cousin or something.” Rainbow Dash paused as a thought suddenly struck her. “Wait, how the hay are you two related exactly, anyway?”
“Well, the profesor’s mah…somethin’ cousin, Ah think? Ah know Ah’ve asked Granny about it before and she’s always been pretty insistent we’re related, though she does get a mite squirrely when Ah try and ask fer specifics…”
“Boffinspark? He’s your second cousin once removed.” Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie all looked up to see Grand Pear standing near their table. “I didn’t mean to interrupt, but I overheard you talking and I thought I’d clear things up a bit.”
“Hold on just a second, so if y’all know how the professor’s related to me, does that mean he’s a Pear?” Applejack asked, earning a nod from Grand Pear. “Huh, guess that explains why Granny always seemed a little odd around him, ‘specially when we asked how he’s related to us. Though, Ah wonder why the professor never said anything about it himself?”
“Well, his part of the family was never really all that interested in the feud to begin with. Or with farming in general, for that matter,” Grand Pear said as he sat down. “You see, my aunt Pear Cordial, Boffinspark’s grandmother, was never all that interested in farm life. She was…how should I put this…she was a lot like that pretty dressmaker friend of yours. Anyway, she mostly took care of selling our jams and preserves up in Canterlot, and eventually she met a stallion and settled down there. Now, her son, Pear Brandy, was actually who I wanted to sell our orchard to when I was getting ready to move to Vanhoover, but…”
*********
“I’m telling you, Brandy, it’s a beautiful piece of farmland. The soil’s fertile, the townsponies are wonderful (aside from our neighbors) and it’s so close to Canterlot you’d be able to keep transportation costs down.” The green-coated unicorn let out a sigh as he looked through the papers Grand Pear had brought with him detailing the proposal.
“I don’t know, Grand Pear, I just don’t think vertical expansion would be a good fit for my business. I mean, I’m no farmer, but I know just enough about farming to know I’m just not cut out for that sort of thing.”
“You could always hire somepony to run things for you,” Grand Pear suggested as he tried to keep the desperation from entering his voice. “There are plenty of ponies who could handle running things on the ground while you focused on the business side of things.”
“I could, but that would just eat up any savings I’d get by buying the orchard in the first place. I’m sorry, cousin, I just don’t think I’m the right pony for this orchard of yours. But, I’m sure you’ll find a buyer eventually. Or, you might even want to try having somepony manage it for you.” Grand Pear, however, sadly shook his head.
“The trouble is I need the bits to get everything set up in Vanhoover, and I was really hoping to keep the orchard in the family. If I try auctioning it off to just anypony, odds are some Apple will but it just to turn the place into another apple orchard. I’ll bet Granny Smith would just love to rub my nose in something like that, the rotten…” Grand Pear’s voice dropped to an indistinguishable mumble as he continued to mutter a string of invectives aimed at the Apple matriarch.
“And, I’m guessing I’m the only member of the Pear family with deep enough pockets to buy the orchard outright,” Pear Brandy said in a hasty effort to change the subject. “Well, my buying the orchard might be off the table, but I could see about investing in your Vanhoover business, or maybe even offer you a loan. I don’t normally like to lend to family, but you do have a fairly solid business plan, and if we look at the farm as collateral—” Any further discussion of the possible business proposal was suspended as the front door to Pear Brandy’s home suddenly burst open.
“AHAHAHA! They said it couldn’t be done! They said it shouldn’t be done! They said it made no rational sense to even attempt it! But I’ve done it anyway!” Grand Pear watched in confusion as a young unicorn stallion, roughly the same age as Pear Butter and dressed in a white lab coat, trotted into the room followed by a large orangutan.
“Grand Pear, this is my son, Boffinspark,” Pear Brandy said, his face buried in his hooves. “Boffinspark, this is Grand Pear, your—”
“Ah, a relative! Pleasure to meet you!” Boffinspark interrupted as he vigorously shook Grand Pear’s hoof. “Now, I’m sure you’re both wondering what feat of scientific mastery could have prompted my celebration. Well, permit me to introduce to you my magnum opus and assistant, Igor!” As Boffinspark spoke, he gestured back towards the orangutan standing behind him, which waved at Grand Pear by way of greeting.
“Ook.”
“Courtesy of my revolutionary cognitive expansion technology, Igor here is the single most intelligent ape in all of Equestria! Just how intelligent is he, you ask? Well, as of today, Igor is officially the first primate to pass the Canterlot Bar Exam! So, what are the two of you chatting about?”
“We were just discussing what to do about Grand Pear’s farm, nothing you’d be interested in,” Pear Brandy said quickly as he tried to guide Boffinspark out of the room. Boffinspark, however, effortlessly slipped away and trotted over to the paperwork, which was still laid out on the table.
“It looks to me like you’re looking to sell it,” Boffinspark said as he idly shifted through the documents. “Hmm, Ponyville, that’s that farming community next to the Everfree Forrest, isn’t it? Yes…that could work…”
“Boffinspark, what are you planning?” Pear Brandy asked warily.
“Assuming you’re not interested in it, why don’t I purchase the orchard?” Boffinspark said cheerfully.
“What?” Pear Brandy and Grand Pear exclaimed in unison, the latter sounding considerably happier than the former.
“Princess Celestia has been suggesting that I move my research out of the city for some time now. Obviously, she understands that I need more room to operate, with less red tape put in my place by luddites like the Royal Guard. Or the Canterlot Board of Health. Or the Canterlot Zoning Commission. Or the Royal Society for the Preservation of Historic Structures. I swear, an experiment knocks down an old building one time and they never get off your back about it.”
“And, you’d be able to afford to buy it?” Grand Pear asked.
“If these numbers are anything to go by, then my research grants should be able to cover it readily enough. Princess Celestia has been very generous when allocating funds for me to move out of Canterlot.”
“Grand Pear, could I talk with you for a moment? Over here?” Pear Brandy asked as he pulled Grand Pear to the other side of the room. “Look, I realize you need a buyer, and Celestia knows I’d love for Boffinspark to move out on his own, but…” Pear Brandy glanced back at Boffinspark, who was humming happily to himself while Igor sorted through the paperwork. “I’ll be blunt, my son is a complete lunatic. He’s liable to blow your orchard to smithereens as he is to actually grow anything, and that’s assuming he doesn’t just get bored and wander off at some point.” A look of concern crossed over Grand Pear’s features, but gradually it gave way to an evil grin.
“So, would you say he’d make life difficult for any of his new neighbors?” Grand Pear asked.
“Oh, dear Celestia, he’d be almost guaranteed to make their lives utterly miserable.”
*********
“…and so I signed the bill of sale with Boffinspark that evening,” Grand Pear admitted as Applejack massaged her temples.
“Of. Bucking. Course y’all did,” Applejack said with a deep sigh. “Well, on the plus side, as far as Granny’s told me, Boffinspark was always a decent sort to mah folks. Ah guess havin’ kinfolk who’d speak to ma was worth puttin’ up with his antics. Ah just can’t – no, Ah actually can believe y’all’d try and take one last jab at Granny by sendin’ him to Ponyville.”
“Yeah, that’s be like you trying to get back at Flim and Flam by sending Boffinspark over to their resort,” Rainbow Dash laughed. Her laughter slowly died, however, as she watched the wicked grin slowly spreading across Applejack’s face. “Uh, AJ? You alright there? Applejack?”
“Would y’all excuse me fer a bit? Ah need to go check on, uh, somethin’,” Applejack said as she quickly excused herself from the table and galloped off, leaving Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie to exchange worried looks.
“So, the responsible thing would probably be to try and stop her, wouldn’t it?” Rainbow Dash said reluctantly, to which Pinkie Pie nodded. “Or,” Rainbow Dash said with a sly grin. “We could follow Boffinspark to Las Pegasus insead. You know, just to keep an eye on things.”
“You mean…? Road trip! I’ll go get packed!”