“Diamond Tiara, I want to have a baby.”
Those eight immortal words which were destined to turn a young couple’s world around left Apple Bloom's mouth with unabashed conviction and purpose, and it was all Diamond Tiara could do but stare back at her wife in utter shock and amazement.
When she said she ‘needed to have a serious talk’ with me about something, I thought she meant about needing some bits to install another much-needed outhouse at Sweet Apple Acres, or to organise an impromptu dinner because we’re apart so often. But this possibility definitely never even crossed my…
Shaken to the core, Diamond tried to think of how to best respond to such an out-of-the blue request. With virtually no foreshadowing to this tense moment though, the pink heiress was left gasping for air with imaginary walls slowly closing in on her delicate psyche.
But whilst Apple Bloom continued to chatter on regardless about this newfound love of parenting she’d apparently discovered, Diamond currently couldn’t register a single sentence her beloved said. Her head was still far too occupied contemplating what could’ve led to this unexpected need for the farmer to want another addition so soon into their married life.
Isn’t Flipper the goldfish enough company for her while I’m away from home? I mean, come on; you can stare at him swimming around for hours on end and not get bored, plus he even does amazing loop-de-loops in his deluxe tank whenever you feed him his favourite pellets! Why would you ever need anything else…
Nevertheless, something or somecreature had planted the burgeoning seed in Apple Bloom’s head that their existence wouldn’t be complete without a smaller equine lifeform around the place, and whilst this information was all news to Diamond, judging by Apple Bloom’s steely resolve it'd been an issue she’d contemplated for quite some time .
I wish she’d come to me sooner with this ‘wonderful’ notion, Diamond pondered desperately, still trying to make sense of it as Apple Bloom babbled senselessly in the background. I could’ve given her a list, no… a whole encyclopaedia-worth of feedback on why this is such a terrible idea. But true to form, she ruthlessly ambushed me yet again when I’m about to leave town with an ‘awkward’ question. Just what the hay am I supposed to say to her, when it’s something she’s obviously got her sweet little heart set on?
After all, they'd just been married for almost exactly a year… and everything was perfect!
True, Diamond had been away lately more than she’d liked from the snug little townhouse they shared in Ponyville on the rare occasions they were in the same vicinity.
After all, a future CEO of Barnyard Bargains must study hard at all the top international business colleges in the world to prepare herself for stepping into the hot-seat of the legendary yet ageing Filthy Rich one day.
I thought she understood I was going to be gone for a while during various periods in the first few years of our marriage, right? Wasn’t our glorious month-long honeymoon enough to tie her over during my enforced absences? We gambled in Las Pegasus, toured the Crystal Empire, topped up our tan in the San Balomino desert, we did everything. What more could she possibly want?
‘Add a filly/colt to the mix’ was apparently the answer to this perplexing conundrum, and as Diamond Tiara began doing very good impression of Flipper being left out of water with her lips, Apple Bloom finally cottoned on to the fact that her carefully-rehearsed advance speech might not be connecting with her wife fully on an emotional level.
“Hey!” Apple Bloom finally broke Diamond Tiara out of her self-enforced trance with a playful flick to her nose, and the pink mare was at last able to focus on what her more rustic wife was trying to communicate to her. “Geez, Di. If I’d known this would’ve left yer more slack-jawed than some of my cousins that live further Down South, I might’ve broken it to yer more gently, like. Before we continue, maybe I’d better hear your thoughts on the matter. Fair’s fair… right?”
“You want to know what I think… you want to know what I think?” Diamond momentarily considered holding back her views to spare Apple Bloom’s feelings, but eventually decided upon her Daddy’s old business adage ‘Honesty Is The Best Policy;. “First of all, why now? I thought we had a mutual understanding, an ‘arrangement’ if you like, that we’d wait until later before we discussed any big plans on this scale. How can we possibly even think of bringing a new life into this world right now, when we’re on opposite sides of the world most of the time? Isn’t it better to wait until we’re more settled and able to function as a ‘normal’ couple, before starting a family?”
“Hey! Wait just a darn tootin’... don’t speak ‘bout our relationship like it were one of yer big city deals you’ve just brokered, or somethin’.” Apple Bloom’s mask of amiability was well and truly off, and her angrier self uncannily resembled the much-missed Apple matriarch Granny Smith. “This is a baby I’m talkin’ ‘bout here, a precious gift that I want us both to share together, not somethin’ to be negotiated with a company meetin’ and hoofshakes and drinks afterwards! I know we still have a ways to go before we can figure out how to look after them during our busy lives, but there’s one thing I know both of us have plenty to give: Love.”
“Huh! Love. What is love, anyway? ‘Love’ doesn’t help secure our respective futures in the agricultural and entrepreneurial industries, does it? ‘Love’ doesn’t enable me to be with you in the blink of an eye to help you if something goes wrong, don’t you agree? Blind ‘Love’ can be mistaken for controlled brainwashing, and it might not take long for it to be used against the pony who trusts…”
“...Wut? Diamond, you’re talkin’ ‘bout something completely different.” Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow at her partner veering somewhat off-topic. “We won’t be bad parents, and you can take that to the bank for sure. And if yer main concern is ‘bout us bein’ apart a lot, that ain’t nothin’ to worry ‘bout, neither! Me, Applejack and Big Mac can take care of the little ‘un while you’re away; my brother might not say very much but he’s a marvel ‘round kids. They adore him…!”
“That’s… not my only problem with this whole affair.” Diamond paced the room as if there was something she wanted to say, but couldn’t quite enunciate it. “How would we even begin this… procedure? I don’t really want to get pregnant right now, what with my hectic globetrotting schedule. Not exactly ideal when you’re carrying a baby, you don’t have to be a medical expert to know that. Also, the mere thought of getting up at the crack of dawn to the sound of crying and smelly diapers doesn’t sound all that appealing to me right now.”
“Diamond, we were all foals once. All that hollerin’ ‘n’ cryin’ is just part of growin’ up. Not sayin’ it’ll be easy like, but I do believe we have the strength ‘n’ support group to stick it out. ‘Specially when we see what they’ll grow into later…” Apple Bloom was unphased in her commitment to the plan, batting away every one of her wife’s concerns like a professional buckball player. “It’d be somethin’ we won’t regret, mark my words. As for how we’ll handle the… other stuff you mentioned…”
“Yes?”
“I kinda knew you’d say that, which is why I’ve already volunteered my services. I have an appointment with the doctor next week, which should start gettin’ things movin’.”
“Wait a second. I thought the whole point of this little chat was to see if I agreed with the idea or not, but it turns out you’ve already decided without me behind my back!” Diamond suddenly raged, stopping mid-step to throw her forehooves into the air. “Any other ‘secrets’ you care to share with me, while we’re on the subject?! I saw you talking to Twist last night when I came out of the mare’s room after that show we watched at the theatre, and the two of you seemed very close. Is there something you want to tell me about that, too?”
“Oh, Diamond. If I’d known yer were gonna be this unreasonable ‘bout a simple question, I woulda waited ‘til you got back from yer big business trip to spring it on you.” Apple Bloom signed in annoyance, as if such flimsy accusations were a common part of their everyday life. “You know darn well me ‘n’ Twist are good friends from back in the day, we even attended the same class if you remember. We were jus’ catchin’ up ‘bout how she’s been receivin’ special speech sessions therapy to get over her lisp, and she sounds so much better these days. But now you’re just being silly, and intentionally tryin’ to change the subject. What exactly is wrong with us doin’ this, if the potential rewards are so great in the end?”
“I don’t know. The thought of you getting impregnated in that way just… creeps me out a bit, that’s all.” Diamond shivered slightly at the thought of what this pending ‘incubation’ might involve, before deciding to tackle the issue from a different angle. “What about your farmwork? I can’t see you handling heavy machinery while you’re in that ‘way’. Plus, why didn’t you even consider adoption as an option?”
“Now yer just makin’ excuses, Diamond. I told you, the rest of my family will chip in during the days I’m not feelin’ so good. Applejack alone is capable of doin’ all my tasks twice over, even at her age! And as much as I’d like to help the many fillies and colts in care, this is a life I wanna create myself with you, so we can watch it grow and nurture into somethin’ beautiful. I want you to be a part of it. Won’t you join me on this journey, my love?”
Oh, Twilight. I’ve never heard Apple Bloom sound so… sappy before, even on our wedding night. You’d think she was talking about a plant, not a pony. This is an issue she’s not going to change her mind on, and I may as well give up on even trying.
Diamond had a natural-born knack for interpreting when she was in a no-win situation. It’d helped save her countless hours in trying to convince implacable business ponies to sign contracts when she’d always had no chance of success; even her special symbol of leadership on her flank was not always guaranteed to help her get what she wanted…
…Like now, for example. Or do I want it? I really don’t know anymore.
Seeing Diamond caught in two minds (already an upgrade from just a few moments ago when she was vehemently against the idea) Apple Bloom decided to push the discussion forward with what she considered to be one of her strongest suites… and one of Diamond’s oldest friends.
“I s’pose you heard ‘bout Silver Spoon giving birth last month, didn’t yer? I’ve seen her ‘bout town with her new arrival in a pram, lookin’ as pleased as apple punch. If she can be happy with a baby, why can’t we? I mean, surely there’s not much difference between your outlook and…”
“There’s a world of difference between our respective situations, believe me! Silv can afford to be a stay-at-home mom, considering she’s going to be starting her own catering business soon. And why wouldn’t I know my best friend was expecting? I helped introduce her and my ex-employee Featherweight at that photography convention didn’t I, and even attended the filly shower! It doesn’t mean I’m ready for one myself right now, though. Just… give me a minute to think…”
Diamond had been anxiously trotting about so much since being confronted with Apple Bloom’s baby-related scheme that she’d almost bore a hole into the plush carpet of their lounge, but the farm filly for once listened to her wife’s simple request for tranquillity and waited in earnest for the next words to leave her mouth.
At last, Diamond sat back down again, her deliberations apparently at an end but the implications of what could happen next still weighing more heavily on her mind than her fake jewel-encrusted tiara ever did. “I-It must've taken a lot of courage for you to come to me with this today, considering I’m about to depart for a vital meeting with Princess Ember about the possibility of expanding Barnyard Bargains into the hitherto unexplored dragon territory.”
“Uh, yeah I guess so? I didn’t really think of it that way, I just wanted to express…”
“Oh, hush with the false modesty for a change, would you? I know this took real guts, and I’m proud of you for that. This is something I can tell you’ve set your heart and soul on, and I truly believe you’d make an excellent mother. I would never want to deprive you of that chance, and somepony as beautiful and perfect as you deserves every happiness that life can offer and more. B-but…”
It was at this juncture Diamond pulled away suddenly, covering her face and eyes as if she was trying to hide something. “S-Sorry. Bit of mane hair caught under my eyelid. Should’ve got the stupid thing trimmed ages ago, but always too busy with work. I’ll be okay in a minute or two. Y-You just sit tight, and…”
“H-hey, Diamond. What’s the matter with you? Your voice has gone all… Di?” Apple Bloom couldn’t fail to spot the twin rivulets of moisture dripping forth from her wife’s eyes even as she tried covering them up, and wasn’t about to let the shaking mare suffer in silence. “L-Look, if I knew you felt so strongly against… we can drop the matter for now, if you like. If it upsets you that much, we don’t have to talk about it again until you’re ready. And I’m so sorry if I upset you before such an important…”
“I-It’s not that, Apple Bloom! Can’t you see? Did you forget who I am? Aren’t you afraid I’ll end up… like her?!” Diamond unexpectedly removed her hooves from her entire facial region, revealing her reddened eyes and tear-stained cheeks whilst seeking to communicate her innermost fears to the one pony she felt she could truly trust. “D-Don’t you remember the way I was with you for years after we first met? The bullying? The teasing? The outright cruelty and maliciousness? What happens if it’s in my genes and I pass those terrible lessons onto my new son or daughter? I-I can try as hard as I like, but they’ll always be something of my mother in me. H-How could you even agree to be with me, a-after everything I put you a-and your friends through…”
“Now, now. Don’t you go dredgin’ up the distant past. We’ve already discussed this on plenty an occasion, and you already know me, Scoots and Sweetie have long since forgiven you. That’s ancient history now, and I never want you to speak of it again.” Apple Bloom’s tone was kind yet firm, as she leaned over to affectionably grasp her wife’s muzzle with one hoof, whilst wiping her eyes to dry them the best she could with the other. “Also, who cares ‘bout Spoiled Rich? We ain’t seen head nor tail of her since she got chased outta town in disgrace the day after our wedding. Good riddance, as far as I’m concerned. But as for the pony you are now…”
Apple Bloom now leaned over to the sniffling pink mare in a very intimate way which only loving couples could do, uttering single word sentences whilst punctuating each one with tender kisses mostly around the erogenous neck and forehead regions. “Delightful. Ideal. Adorable. Marvellous. Open-hearted. Noble. Desirable. Terrific. Indescribably Awesome. Really Apple-tastic…”
“Erm, Apple Bloom. You just made that last one up, didn’t you?” Caught in a pure moment of utter carnal bliss between the loving pair, Diamond was unwelcomely cast out of it by the farm mare’s unusual use of language at the end. “I mean, you were doing so well between the kissing and the hugging and the compliments and everything else, but ‘apple-tastic’?! You ran out of nice words to use to spell out my name with, didn’t you? Go on, admit it! It was a worthy try, anyway.”
“Hey, don’t knock it! In my family, that’s the highest form of praise! I’ve only ever used it once before, to Applejack when she bucked the toughest and tallest Zap Apple tree I’ve ever seen without even breakin’ a sweat. If you’d been there, maybe you’d understand.”
“I-I doubt it, but thanks I guess.” Diamond Tiara had little-to-no interest in the farming industry (although, being married to a mare who could help provide fresh produce and dairy goods to Barnyard Bargains at a second’s notice was always useful) but, knowing how much Apple Bloom worshipped the ground her older sister galloped on, suddenly took it as the highest of praise. “Anyway, back to what you were saying before. Do you really think there’s no danger of…”
“Diamond, if there’s anythin’ I’ve learned in life, it’s that we are the ponies we choose to be. If that weren’t the case, d’ya really think you wouldn’t have broken free from your mother’s control and become the prize mare I was destined to fall head-over-hooves for and marry someday?” Apple Bloom gave the sceptical pink heiress a cute wink, following it up with a slight nudge.“ ‘Sides, not that it’s any substitute for love, which I’m sure both of us could give our new young ‘un in spades. But it’d be pretty good to have a foal to spoil rotten, won’t it? Not to mention the nursery we could design together, the curtains we could pick out, what colour the walls could be…”
“Oh yes, I suppose that does sound kind of fun…” Apple Bloom had cunningly exploited Diamond’s latent love of planning and design, and even now she was beginning to imagine what their future foal’s bedroom might look like. “B-But am I capable of taking such a big step in my life? I mean, this is all so sudden…”
“Hey Diamond, you say yer family has certain phrases which have been passed through from generation to generation? Well, we Apples have another: ‘Don’t Knock It, ‘Til You’ve Tried It.’ Apple Bloom handed the last of Diamond’s mild objections so deftly, you’d have thought she’d practised this speech and all possible counterarguments against it for weeks on end in front of the mirror. Which of course, she had. “How are you s’posed to say you can’t if you’ve never given it a go? D’ya really think I’d have married you, if I didn’t think you were capable of givin’ so much love back in return? Which kinda reminds me…”
“Hmm…?” Diamond had in a heartbeat gone from being on the fence about this whole baby scenario to already picking out names, planning future elite schools, what kind of Cutie Mark they might get, letting her father know he was going to be a grand-stallion etc, that she only half-heard Apple Bloom there. “You were saying something?”
“You have to leave in about an hour to get to the Dragonlands, don’t yer?”
“You know I do Apple Bloom, what about it? As essential as this trip is, I could postpone it until next week, seeing as we’ve just decided…”
“No, I was just thinkin’, the last few minutes have put me ‘in the mood’, and we have just enough time until your departure to… have a bit of fun.”
“Apple Pear Butter Bloom, I am not playing Horseshoes with you again! The last time we tried that, I broke two windows and nearly shattered poor Flipper’s…”
“Diamond, I was thinking more along the lines of an indoor activity? Upstairs? Something we normally dim the lights to, and shut the door behind us, hold all calls…?”
“Oh. Oh. Yes, I think I could just about find the time to… do what it is you’re suggesting, before my imminent… ”
“Did anypony ever tell you that you talk too much, Diamond?”
“Let me guess, Apple Bloom. That was a rhetorical question.”
“Now she gets it. Are you coming, then?”
“Have a bit of patience, Apple Bloom. We haven’t even started yet(!)”
“Wow, Diamond. I never knew you could be so… coarse.”
“Shut up and kiss me, you dumb hillbilly.”
“Right back atcha, yer stuck-up snob.”
“You know, when the baby arrives, we won’t be able to do this so often.”
“Well, we’d better make the most of the time we have left then, hadn’t we? You first, Diamond.”
“Thank you for treating a lady with the respect she deserves. Oh wait, Apple Bloom. Just let me grab one more thing…”
Actually, make that two things.
The first was a door-hanger with unambiguous writing on it ‘DO NOT DISTURB’.
The second was something a bit more… personal. It was a long, feathery toy-like object with a twin-pronged end, a little mechanism that made it buzz, and…
Perhaps I’ll tell you about it when you’re a tad older.