It was scary how perfect the timing was. The weekend after was a three day break due to a regional holiday they didn't celebrate. It was the right amount of time to head off to North Mossbay, and return before school started again.
They said their goodbyes to their friends and the two girls got on the camper van Sunset let them borrow. Fluttershy was heading up north to attend her mother's funeral and take care of her items. When her mom first got sick, the first thing she did was make a list. A list of things Fluttershy should come and take as it has a special place in her heart. It mainly composed of jewelry, or photos of them together and even her dad holding her. When her mother first brought up the list, Fluttershy refused to see it. She was so upset that her mother accepted her death so early. It was like she was preparing to die for the past several months.
Rainbow begged her own mother to let her go on this trip. She would have to miss a few practices and a game on Saturday, but she would hate herself for the rest of her life if she let Fluttershy go through this grief alone and in a foreign place that only binds her by a ghost.
They left on Friday, so that they could arrive early the next day, and leave on the morning of Monday. For the first three hours, Fluttershy drove the van, driving towards the border, in a Northern-Western direction. With the exception of Sunset, Fluttershy got her driver's license first and is less reckless than her friend beside her. They sat in silence as Rainbow fell asleep within ten minutes of the drive. Fluttershy fluttered her eyes back to the beauty next to her every once in a while.
Then, after a washroom break and a tank refill at a gas station, it was Rainbow's turn to drive for the next few hours. Fluttershy gazed outside, seeing that the scenery changed from urban towns to fields that run the earth for miles. Her eyes got excited seeing roaming cows or a horse while passing by. However, it soon became lands that had nothing. The grass isn't too vibrant or tall. There are no trees at all, nor street lamps. There is solely a single road stretching across the emptiness.
"Rainbow, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah, anything."
"Did I... contribute a lot to the reason you grew so attached to winning and always being confident?"
"Why were you wondering about that?"
"I know your parents were the main reason. I've seen them smother you with praises and criticism. I always thought that they were quite intense, but back then, I thought you liked it. And maybe you did once, but not anymore. Maybe I've been so blinded that I can't recognize my own actions and how I have affected you. I mean, I wasn't exactly hiding the fact that I admired you."
"I get what you mean. I think you are... sort of a weird exception. Whenever I'm near you I get conflicted whether I keep my image up or not. Like of course, I felt the pressure to be the heroic figure you saw the night you met me. I made sure you saw me be the star on the field or the best electric guitar soloist you've ever seen. I did— and still do— try hard to impress you. Not because I wanted your praise or anything, but just so that you have something about me you liked. But, you know, I've never broken down to someone the way I can with you. I never felt comfortable crying or being so vulnerable with anyone else. Which, ironic, cause I didn't tell you anything about what was happening to me in the last two-ish years. But, without you knowing, you still helped me. I don't even want to repeat the things that were in my head back then." Fluttershy saw Rainbow fidgeting with the wheel and how the van started to swerve ever so chaotically. Words just kept overflowing her mouth and her rants steamed the glass ever so slightly. She grasped Rainbow's hand and placed a kiss on the backside of the palm. She felt Rainbow melt into ease under her lips. The driving, as well as Rainbow's breaths steadied.
Just like that— Fluttershy’s hand grasping Rainbow's as they drove along the peaceful and empty road. It helped herself more selfishly than she would have liked. In a few hours, she will have to tower over a casket and stare, with pearlescent eyes, at the hands she will never be able to hold or the smile she will never see again. She tried not to think too much about the image, but it haunted her dreams and prisoned her from sleep. Though she is, of course, grateful, she knows she will curse at the mortician, who made her mom look so alive— it looked like she was only sleeping, and then a part of Fluttershy will want to wait for hours and hours for her to wake up, crying even more each moment that those eyes does not open. The only way she could think of to distract her from crying again, was to talk with Rainbow.
"For me, I think it's sort of the opposite. Whenever I'm with you, I gain confidence and be reckless with my words and actions. I dare to fight for the things I want and finally find it in me to stand up for myself. You made me question my shyness at times."
"Is that why you kissed me at summer break?" She heard the light air-laughs and the curve of Rainbow's smile forming, her own forming as well.
"You already read the book."
"Sorry, I must have skimmed over that part. Could you remind me what happened?"
"I thought that kiss meant everything to you. Isn’t that what you wrote?"
"See, you wouldn't be so cocky with anybody else. My arrogance caught onto you too."
"You just have that affect on me."
"A decade of the Rainbow Dash was bound to rub off of you eventually. I am just so inspirational." Fluttershy smiled. She's happy Rainbow is able to joke and be effortlessly sarcastic— that means the worst has passed and it is all a path of recovery now.
"Yet I still can't play soccer no matter how many times you try to teach me."
"That's a skill issue. Sorry, I have this thing where me being so good at everything is a problem. I'm drowning in success."
"Hey, you're not good at everything. There are things I'm good at, that you're not." Fluttershy has also learned to play along with Rainbow's sarcasm from time to time— which has been a new language for her, but she's a quick learner if it's not sports or athletic related.
Rainbow only smiled gleefully. "Like what?"
"Communicating with animals."
"Okay, but that's not fair. The universe literally bounded you to that power. I don't count that one, say a different one"
"Cooking, gardening, crocheting, painting, pottery, baking, embroidery... arguably, I am also better at archery than you."
"Damn... way to humble me."
"That doesn't make you any less of a person. You just need time to realize that it's okay to not always be the best. And you can lean onto me whenever. I promise you that."
"Thanks, Flutters." Rainbow turned to her, not expecting to be absolutely breathless when the sun shined onto Fluttershy's face beautifully and enraptured a kind of celestial beauty. She was the prettiest girl she has ever seen. She knew that before, of course, but that moment showed her a type of beauty that made Rainbow's heart cry.
Forcing her eyes to return back to the road, Rainbow thought of everyone who was interested in Fluttershy. There was a rumour in middle school that one of Hoops' friends liked her. He denied it every time someone brought it up. The only other person was a guy from the earlier years of high school. When Sunset tore everyone's friendships apart, Fluttershy went on a date with a classmate. It did not go past two low-effort dates before the guy pressured her into sleeping with him. The whole thing made her blood boil, even if she supposedly 'hated' her back then. There wasn't a single moment that Rainbow has ever hated Fluttershy. Thankfully, even though they all still fought, her and Rarity stepped up and told the guy off, convincing Fluttershy to break things off with him immediately. Other than those two, there was no one else.
Rainbow looked back to Fluttershy once again, now noticing her cute yawn and the shadow under her eyes. "You should sleep. I know you didn't sleep that much last night."
"How much longer until we get to the motel?"
"About five hours."
"Okay, then wake me up in after two hours so we can switch driving."
"Flutters, napping is best when it's long and uninterrupted, take it from me, the nap expert."
"Yes, but it's not fair for you to drive that much.'
"I'll be fine—"
"Promise me that you'll wake me up in two hours."
"But—"
"Dashie."
"Okay fine, whatever, just go ahead and sleep your pretty head. I'll wake you up at like 7, alright?" She didn't, in fact, ended up waking Fluttershy up.
She considered greatly, she did. At seven, she pulled over, the sun crept behind the horizon, and she was about to wake her up. But, the indescribable feelings that were happening in her heart and the perfect, delicate image of Fluttershy sleeping so peacefully was enough to sway her over. She turned the keys into immunition once again, and continued driving, until they reached their destination.
They left on a Friday, after a long and strenuous school day. That was a grave mistake. But they couldn't have left on Saturday as they wouldn't be able to come back in time before Tuesday. That left the two even more exhausted than ever. Rainbow Dash ended up driving the full five hours, stopping for a washroom break and getting drive thru dinner near the end. She arrived to the motel reception and got the keys to their room.
Grief must have been in the form of potent melatonin. Fluttershy has been out for nearly a quarter of the day. She slept barely an hour last night, worrying about everything and giving calls to some advisors and the memorial service. She seemed to be sleeping decently now. That was what mattered to Rainbow.
She hadn't forgotten about the promise Fluttershy's mom wrote to her. She would take care of her daughter to the end of time if she could. If Fluttershy let her. She did feel this slight overwhelming pressure to never fall short of this last-dying wish. She felt like it was now her lifelong goal to always be there to take care of Fluttershy. She would have done it regardless, of course, but now that she was tasked with it by Fluttershy's mother, there was an added element. She wrote to be the "beacon of hope" that she's always been. Rainbow couldn't help but feel the worry that she will fall short on these expectations.
Rainbow went back to the car and debated on whether to carry the girl to their room or not. She opened the door and the cold air must have woken her up as she stirred a bit. Fluttershy sluggishly opened her eyes.
"R-Rainbow?"
"Yeah?" Rainbow then thought of an idea, "Hey, if you're still too tired, I can carry you to the motel room if you want."
"The motel?" Fluttershy instantly woke up and took a look around at the surroundings. "Rainbow Dash! You said you'd wake me up! What time is it?"
Fluttershy checked her phone, "Ten PM?"
"I'm sorry, but it's fine now. We're here." Rainbow could see Fluttershy's frown under the dimmed lights springing from the moon. "Hey, why don't you come inside and I'll make it up with sushi dinner."
"You got dinner?!"
"Oh boy. What's done is done. Now, let's get out of the cold and into the room, okay? Then you can be mad at me."
She'd never say it out loud, but Fluttershy was stubbornly cute when she was mad and eating her sushi rolls. She would chew a little louder and her chop stick skills got more sloppy. She also tends to stuff her mouth with the food, making her cheeks chubby. Every so often, her lips would extend to a pout, warming Rainbow's heart every time. Something about the sight made Rainbow so conflicted between being scared or wanting to smile.
Fluttershy was perfectly content with her meal and everything should have been fine. But still, deep in her heart, she knew there was a slight grudge against Rainbow for lying to her. It was a lie so minimal and so negligible. It probably wasn't supposed to be a lie, but it happened anyways. Rainbow told her that she'd wake her up at seven. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but her emotions abused her sensibility.
Rainbow saw her wince and the ache on Fluttershy's face. She would have been able to spot it miles away.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Her face turned away, but Rainbow immediately put aside her food and sat next to her, bringing the side of Fluttershy's head to the base of her neck. Her fingers traced the flow of Fluttershy's hair— from the roots to the parts of her hair that framed her cheeks.
"I-I... I just feel so... alone? In the dark? I don't know how to explain it. I keep losing time with people. The people that I l-love the most keep shutting me out. I couldn't be there for you or for my mom in your hard moments. Without e-even knowing it, I almost lost you and I completely lost my mom. She didn't want me there with h-her. And I get it. I get why she did it. And I feel awful but I resent her so much for it. I don't want to, but I can't help but feel that she was selfish."
Her words stuttered with every breath lodged in her throat by her tears. "Instead of being with her for her last moments, she never gave me any chance. I don't remember the last thing I said to her. She stole my chance to say goodbye to her. And maybe she was right. Maybe I would have been worse if I watched her d-die, but I want to feel the pain if that means I get to see her before she- before she—" The words shattered in her mouth and she felt like choking on hundreds of mirror shards. "I want to feel hurt and pain freely. I-I want the choice to stay and to be there for you."
When Rainbow first heard that her mom didn't tell her at all, she was slightly pissed. If her mom was dying and knew about it, the least she could do was let her only child know. The phone call was so sudden that it caught Fluttershy off guard and it was a miracle the large bottle of grief she was drank didn't harm herself. But now, she knows why her mom tried to save Fluttershy from that pain. Rainbow did that to her with her own pain. Rainbow tried to save Fluttershy from the burden of whatever fucked up shit that she was dealing with by shutting her out. She ended up recovering, but what if she didn't? What if her depression successfully took its next victim and she did something so irreversible that it killed her? It was nearly a reality to a point too close for Rainbow to want to admit. Then Fluttershy would have to search for the pieces and investigate her killer without ever being exposed to it herself. The thought haunted Rainbow and made her hold onto Fluttershy tighter.
"I know I keep saying it, but I don't think I can stop apologizing. Your mom and I have the same favourite person. And I think we just wanted to protect you from pain, not realizing that we're making this so much harder for you by shutting you out." Rainbow gently tugged Fluttershy's cheek, bringing her gaze to hers, Rainbow losing herself to her eyes. "And I know we haven't been there for each other these past few months, but I want to change that. If you let me, we can be each other's safe space again." Rainbow placed a soft kiss on her forehead.
Fluttershy only nodded. A fragile smile breaking just before delicate yet heartbreaking sobs crawled out of her, her mouth murmuring whispers and regrets. Rainbow's arms enveloped her, bringing her in closely and merging their heartbeats as one.
Rainbow was the first one to sleep, obviously. Fluttershy had slept for five hours in the car so she had energy to stay up. After they ate, Rainbow took a quick shower and went off to bed. Fluttershy did the same thing. She cleaned up and got ready to take a shower. Her body felt so numb. After crying for what felt like an entire summer, her emotions just left her. Everything just keeps leaving her.
Maybe she loved being happy so much that it left her as well.
Nothing Fluttershy did felt meaningful anymore. When she took a shower, she turned the faucet to scolding hot water, a temperature she has never liked, and stared at the tile wall. The burn on her back was not enough, nor was the sight of her boiling red skin. For a girl who has been constantly bullied for being sensitive and emotional her entire life, they seemed to have been drained out of her system.
Once she finally got out, she stared at the mirror completely covered by steam. There wasn't anything there. That's what she felt like. Nothing.
But not the nothing where you feel worthless. Being worthless means there is still something there that is not up to standards. No— Fluttershy feels the kind of nothing where nothing she does or feels is registering to her mind or the world around her. She is just there. A shell of a tiny cosmic body on a colossal floating rock with no purpose or feelings.
She considered blow drying her hair, but by the time that she reached for it, her hair had dried, and the mirror was clear. She'd been in front of the mirror for an hour and a half— it felt like ten minutes for her. Fluttershy felt like she was going insane. How did time slip past her so quickly?
Fluttershy had no energy left. She had no motivation to do anything else and she wanted to sleep and refuse to wake up. She turned off the lights and got into the bed next to Rainbow. They booked a single bed as it costed less and it wasn't strange for them to share one. They have laid next to each other in the tightest of beds since they were nine.
In the complete darkness, Fluttershy thought of the girl next to her. She wants to be part of her life. All of it. Even if Rainbow doesn't want her in it, the selfish part of her wants to cherish every ounce of her. She wants to feel the pain that she feels and she wants to feel the wins and joy that Rainbow feels. She wants to be for her in her worst moments and smile when she's in her best. She wants to kiss every part of her— the deep bruises and the rosy cheeks as well. Most of all, she wants Rainbow to look at herself all the same when she gets a silver medal instead of a gold one.
But also, in the darkness, fear consumed her. Her artistic imagination brought to life her mom's lifeless body, puppeteered as a marionette by morticians. She dreamed of a room where Death awaits for her with painstaking fingers. When she closes her eyes, she sees a grave and a hand reaching for the sky beneath her.
Her rapid breathing tightened around her chest— gasping for air like a drowned victim. It wasn't enough to wake Rainbow up, thankfully, Fluttershy thought to herself. She tried going back to sleep, but those images tortured her eyes.
Desperately, her hand found Rainbow's and she gently interlocked the fingers. The mere touch calmed Fluttershy down. Those images buzzed into a peaceful limbo like undoing creases to a dress or lowering blasting music to a soft whisper in one's ear. Her breathing slowed danced enough and she easily fell asleep a few moments later.
Motel heating doesn't work at any place that is the same price as a painting made by a beginner artist. Though spring was arriving, the nights still grew to be cold. When Fluttershy woke up, she felt her entire body arching towards the girl still sleeping next to her. Their legs were intertwined and their bellies were pressed against each other. Their hands weren't interlocked anymore, but their fingers were meeting between the two.
Her hazy morning mind didn't register the situation until Rainbow shifted in her sleep, bringing her closer to Fluttershy's face. Her heart was pounding and she swore it was harsh enough that it vibrated the entire entanglement she had going on with Rainbow.
It's been a long time since they've been this close to each other. Besides the time at Applejack's house. Or that time after Rainbow found out about Fluttershy's departure. Back when they were dating, they would wake up tangled in each other's arms and be clinged to each other. She still remembers so much of the past that she never fully knew.
It was the night when Rainbow pulled Fluttershy out of the crowd, ignoring her mom and university recruits, and only focusing on her. Rainbow kissed her— she wanted for everything single bad thing that had ever happened in her deteriorating life to heal itself when she kissed Fluttershy's lips. She whispered to her ear, "I'm sorry. It's just that seeing you in the crowd, cheering me like that reminded me how much I missed you. There's something about you that makes me feel instantly better whenever I see you smile."
Later, Rainbow fully avoided her parents and just wanted to be near the only source of joy she had in her life back then. Fluttershy drove Rainbow back to her place and let Rainbow shower at her place. Once she dried her hair, only then did she text her parents who caused half her phone bill that month. She would pay the dreadful consequences later. But, she didn't want to think of that, and instead all she wanted in that moment was to be laying next to her lover.
That word tickled Rainbow's heart. Lover. It was a title she felt Fluttershy always had. Even as children, she thought of her as an ambiguous platonic lover before she knew what each word meant.
When they were both laying in bed, they stayed facing each other, not saying a word that would dare to shatter their beautiful moment. Rainbow's hand brushed against her cheek and played with Fluttershy's curtain bangs. In the safety of her cozy little bedroom, alone with her best friend, Fluttershy ventured to be the daring person Rainbow was a few hours before. She was the one who initiated the first gestures, pulling Rainbow into deep kisses— Rainbow smiling each and every moment.
Though neither of them said it, they thought about how much of this should have felt weird or awkward, but it never did. In the utmost natural manner, all of this love and affection has always been there— there were just more physical gestures now. That's why even when they went out in secret, it still felt so natural— like nothing changed. Anyone from the outside would not bat an eye with anything they would be doing as long as they weren't being too risky. Holding hands, kisses on the forehead or study dates in the library were all things everyone in their school have seen them do and simply associated it as something they did in their friendship.
The feelings that these girls had for each other were indescribable. So much of their love was unsaid, natural and inevitable.
Fluttershy couldn't tell if it had changed. The girls who laid in their bed years ago on a night after a soccer game were not the same to the ones laying in the motel bed entangled in warmth and bedsheets. Between those people, there is a history of hurt and pain that distances themselves apart. There formed a distinction between a then and a now. Fluttershy tried to categorize all of the stars and memories she claimed as theirs into a before and after. Saving from bullies. The Venus constellation. Love letters. Late night song writing sessions. Embraces to comfort tears.But at the same time, history repeats itself, after time and time again, with two girls with an undeniable love for each other laying in a bed with no one but silence accompanying them between the creases in the bed sheets.