//------------------------------//
// Friendship is politics 
// Story: Adventures of thestral Anon 
// by ImNew2023 
//------------------------------//

“You may be wondering why I invited you here. Well girls, the truth is. I’ve got no idea what I’m doing” Anon explained.

“Ya don’t say,” Applejack said in a monotone voice.

“AJ” Twilight said sternly.

“What? I’m just being honest” Applejack said.

“So darling, when did you realise this?” Rarity asked.

“Well” Anon said, shuffling about on his throne to get comfortable.

“It all started last week. I had made a council of locals to help stabilise the realm” 

“Right”

“While in a meeting I showed them some blueprints for a huge casino I wanted to build so we could start bringing some tourism money in-“

“Hang on a minute!” Applejack interrupted.

“What?” Anon asked impatiently.

“Where are ya getting the money for a casino?” She asked.

“The massive fuck off pile of crystals, seriously I’ve met dragons who have smaller hordes now may I finish my story?” Anon explained.

Not getting any back talk, Anon continued.

“Everything was going well, I made a few modifications and asked them what they thought. All of them, much to my surprise, were in full agreement with me” 

“I can see where this is going” Rainbow muttered.

“That’s when it all went wrong”

“How?” Pinkie asked.

“Well from the angle I was in the casino looked like a giant dick” 

“Oh” the girls said in unison.

“That’s when I realised that all of my advisers were all yes-stallions and now I need your help to get this place back on track” Anon said finishing his story.

“Wait what do you expect us to do?” Rainbow asked.

“I don’t know usually you solve every problem you encounter in a 20-30 minute timeframe” Anon admitted.

Unable to fight his flawless logic the girls started looking at each other with confusion and doubt.

“Anon, maybe you should just step down and let somepony who knows what they’re doing?” Twilight suggested.

Letting out a sigh Anon shook his head “I can’t Twilight, I didn’t mean to become a king but now I’m here. These ponies rely on me and are looking to me to get them back to a peaceful time. I can’t abandon them” he said.

“Then why did you suggest they choose a ruler?” Fluttershy asked.

“I thought they were going to pick Cadance anyway. I just wanted to make sure she wouldn’t be assassinated by any citizens who thought she was taking power by force. If they ponies chose her it would dissuade any assassins” Anon explained.

Seeing Anon use sound logic told the girls could tell that this was serious.

“Ok girls, Anon needs our help putting the Empire back on track. Any ideas?” Twilight explained.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! I know how to help!” Pinkie said, enthusiastically waving her hoof in the air.

“Pinks, please tell me you can throw a party that can fix this country?” Anon asked with hope in his voice.

Giggling Pinkie shook her head “no silly-filly. The average pony in the Empire has a terrible case of malnourishment, paying for food to be imported so you can start getting their BMI up to a healthy level will go a long way to improving the overall health of the citizenry and help the economy by boosting their overall productivity” Pinkie explained.

The entire room looks at her, surprised looks spread across every face.

“Pinkie, you scare me” Anon stated.

“I know,” Pinkie said happily.

“I have noticed quite a few ponies setting up businesses. Not to sound prideful but I do have quite a bit of experience in that arena. I can give them some advice” Rarity said.

“I’ve had to balance the farm’s budget for years. If you want I can take a look at what ya got in the vaults. At least then we’ll see what y’all can pay for” Applejack said.

“They could use some positive reinforcements, they’ve all been through so much” Fluttershy suggested.

“And their education system is way behind the rest of Equus, I know a few ponies in Canterlot who would be more than happy to set up an entirely new education system. Until then I’m happy to make a start” Twilight said.

“Yeah, this place could use some entertainment. It’s a real bummer. I’ll lighten the place up with a few air shows” Rainbow said confidently.

While the girls were talking, Anon sat there with about as much use as a carrot in a butcher’s shop. Not that anyone other than him would get that saying.

“Um, girls? I'm all for the help but what am I supposed to do?” Anon asked.

“You’re the king, do king things” Rainbow said.

Considering the girls had basically usurped jobs he should be doing Anon tried thinking of what was left to do.

“Well I should probably get to work setting up more agreements with other nations. Too bad Celly’s gone back to Canterlot” Anon said.

“Don’t worry Nonny! You can ride the Pinkie Express!” Pinkie said, turning around and pointing her flank towards him.

“Pinkie, you do realise that showing me your ass and saying ‘ride the Pinkie Express’ can be mistaken for something very different from what you meant” Anon stated.

“Nothing like that, silly. Just climb on my back,” Pinkie said.

“You’re serious? Pinkie you can’t carry me all the way to Canterlo-“ Anon tried to explain before Pinkie’s tail wrapped around his face.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhut the buck up. You know the third rule of Pinkie” Pinkie said.

“Don’t question Pinkie’s logic” the girls said in unison.

Being grabbed by the same tail Anon was lifted off his feet. 

“Hold onto your cutie-mark!” Pinkie said, Anon trying to wrestle himself free.

In a flash of pink light and a blazed trail of fire behind her Pinkie raced south. Reaching Canterlot within thirteen seconds.

“Now arriving at Canterlot station, choo choo!” Pinkie giggled.

Putting Anon down Pinkie tilted her head at the sight of Anon violently vomiting over Celestia's rug.

“Hello Anon, Pinkie Pie” Celestia greeted calmly, having lost any shock or surprise at Pinkie’s capabilities.

“Hi Princess! Nonny wants to talk to you” Pinkie smiled.

“Blegh!” Anon gagged as yet another round of vomit was spat up.

“Hey Celly,” he said weakly.

“Welcome to Canterlot King Anon” Inkwell greeted, covering her muzzle to block out the smell.

“May I ask what brings you here?” Celestia asked.

“Need more food, subjects are skinny, casino looks like dick” Anon managed to sputter out as he tried to avoid falling face first into his own vomit pool while the castle staff were trying to clean it.

Smiling, Celestia stood up from her throne and closed the distance between her and her fellow monarch.

“You need foreign assistance, you shall have it,” she said.

“Eh? Just like that?” Anon asked, wondering where the catch was.

“Anon, Equestria is a nation founded on the principles of friendship among all races. We already give out aid to several nation states in Zebrica and Griffonia, the Crystal Empire will get all the help we can give” Celestia explained.

“Huh, that was easy,” Anon stated.

“Indeed it was,” Celestia giggled.

“Anyways… I’ll give you six hundred bits for Luna, final offer” Anon offered.

While having no desire to sell her sister Celestia enjoyed her little games with Anon. This was no exception.

“Seven hundred bits” she haggled.

“Princess Celestia!” Inkwell protested.

“Six fifty” Anon offered.

“Six ninety and a kiss” Celestia joked.

“Deal, Pinkie give the Princess a smooch” Anon said.

“Okie dokie!” Pinkie said.

Before Celestia could react, Pinkie planted her lips on Celestia’s. A loud wet smooching noise came from their mouths before Pinkie pulled away.

“Wowie zowie Princess, you’re a great kisser” Pinkie complemented as she wiped her mouth clean with her foreleg.

Standing dumbfounded for a moment Celestia cleared her throat.

“Um, thank you Pinkie” she said with slight discomfort.

“So do you want the bits now or do I get a tab?” Anon asked.

“Anon, I’m not selling Luna to you” Celestia admitted “I just find your silliness fun” she admitted.

“But I do want to know, why do you want to buy my sister?” She asked.

“I’ve had an epiphany, it’s bad for everyone when I’m left to my own devices” Anon admitted.

“Well I didn’t want to say it, but” Celestia said slyly.

“Ha ha ha” Anon said sarcastically.

“But while I can’t sell you Luna, I may have a solution to your problem,” Celestia explained.

“What if I send Cadance and Shining Armour as ambassadors to the Empire. While representing Equestria they can keep an eye on you while they’re there” she suggested.

“That’s a good idea,” Anon admitted.

“Very good, I will talk to them later, for now I have other matters to attend to” Celestia said bowing slightly “good luck King Anon, have a pleasant evening” she added.

“Yay! Diplomacy for the win! Oh, now Cream Heart needs to see you. Choo choo!” Pinkie said before grabbing Anon.

“Pinkie wait!” Anon protested.

Barely able to survive the first trip, Anon fainted from the second.

“Anon, wake up sweetie” a soothing voice said.

“Mmh” Anon groaned.

Slowly opening his eyes Anon saw Cream Heart sat next to him.

“Cream?” Anon asked “what happened?” He added.

“Pinkie brought you back, don’t worry she explained everything” she explained.

Looking around Anon found himself back at Cream Heart’s house.

“Wait, where are the kids? He asked.

“Button and Albus are both asleep, you were out for a while. And this little filly is still here” she explained, pointing to her swollen stomach.

Getting to his feet Anon stretched out, having gotten stiff during his sleep.

“Oh good, so how have things be-“ Anon began.

“Whack!” Cream Heart’s front hoof smacked against Anon’s cheek. Leaving a hoof mark on it.

“I deserved that,” Anon groaned.

“Where have you been! You just dropped off the face of Equestria! You could have gotten hurt! Worse you could have died! You don’t know how worried I was!” Cream yelled, her eyes filling with tears with each passing word.

“Cream” Anon started.

“To top it all off you went off to fight a monster alone and then somehow got yourself made king? Why? Why wasn’t I surprised at any of it?” Cream Heart sobbed.

Slowly Anon unfolded his wings, gently bringing his mare friend into a hug.

“I’m sorry, I’m not used to thinking about how my actions affect others. But I am trying to change” Anon apologised.

Leaning into the hug, Cream rested her head on his shoulder.

“Don’t, you drive me crazy, but I wouldn’t change a thing about you, you psychopath” Cream stated.

“So what’s going to happen now?” She asked.

“I don’t know, I can’t abandon them, but I can’t expect you and Button to uproot your whole lives just to accommodate my quite literal empire scale fuck up” Anon said.

“We can come and visit, there are ways to get there and back quickly” she pointed out.

“Of all the times being turned into a unicorn would have been more practical, damn it Twilight” Anon half joked.

Squeezing a giggle out of Cream, Anon relaxed slightly.

“We’ll make it work, just promise me one thing” Cream asked.

“Anything,” Anon said.

“Next time you disappear to cause chaos, tell me first” she said.

Chuckling slightly Anon nodded his head “I promise hun” he said.

“So, what’s it like? The Empire I mean?” She asked.

“Huge, bigger than Canterlot or Manehatten and just as crowded. But it is beautiful, the light from the crystal heart makes the city shine like one large gem in the frozen wastes surrounding it” Anon described.

“It sounds lovely, I’ll have to visit soon, assuming you don’t feel emasculated by your marefriend visiting you at work” Cream Heart said, teasing him slightly. 

Rolling his eyes Anon let out a sigh “I wouldn’t recommend it” he said.

“Why?” Cream asked, an eyebrow raised.

“I’m going to have to implement an income tax” Anon explained, his voice filled with pain and regret.

Cream didn’t know why Anon hated taxes so much.

Well, no one in Equestria knew to be fair, just the chaotic green bean himself.

But no one had asked him, in his own defence.

“Ok Anon I’m putting my hoof down, why do you hate taxes?” Cream asked.

“It’s… complicated,” he explained.

Seeing her raised eyebrow Anon could tell that he wasn’t getting out of this.

“Ok fine, back home my country was trillions in debt while the government continued to waste billions on programs that didn’t work half the time and legions of bureaucrats who just made doing anything a pain in the ass with ten layers of red tape. What was worse was that it was people’s tax money paying for all of it. So I guess it’s a knee jerk reaction” 

“I see,” Cream responded. 

“But now I’m the one leading the government. I kind of see why taxes exist now, roads and schools and shit are somewhat important,” Anon admitted, refusing to acknowledge his character growth.

Planting a kiss on his cheek, Cream Heart turned around and began to head upstairs. Reaching the fourth step she looked back, batting her eyelids at Anon “well? Are you going to join me, my hunky king of the night?” She asked in a sultry tone.

With every neuron activated within his brain, Anon followed after her.

Reaching the top of the stairs Anon stopped. There was a puzzle of the continent framed on the side of the wall, he’d glanced at it before but it caught his attention this time. 

Right next to the big empty space where his empire now sat was a smaller region with clear borders drawn separating it from Equestria.

“Uh, Cream, sweetie? What’s a Stalliongrad?” Anon asked.

Looking confused at him, Cream Heart walked back to the stairs, looking at the puzzle then back to Anon.

“Really? I thought you would have heard about it by now, you’re practically neighbours” she said.

“This is the first time I’m hearing the name, but it sounds worryingly familiar,” Anon explained.

“Well, it’s a region in north Equestria that seceded after the Princess failed to solve a famine in the region. Now it’s an independent state under something called ‘socialism?’ I don’t know much about it but it sounds… Anon?” Cream Heart tried to explain.

Little did Cream know that while his hatred of taxes had been suppressed, his greater hatred remained intact.

One bred into his very genes by three generations of Cold War fear and propaganda. One that has almost destroyed the world a dozen times over and sent a man to the moon.

“Commies!” Anon roared with enough power to shake the town, the background of his roar sounding like the scream of a bald eagle.

To the west of the Empire, in a small town a unicorn sneezed. In response another pony with an equal symbol handed her a tissue.

AN: Pinkie scares me.

I know.

What are you in my fridge!?

As a response to the comments, yeah Nonners is quite possibly the third worst creature to rule the Empire in all of Equestria with Sombra and Chrissy being first and second respectively.

But him getting elected was funny so here we are.

Going to be more description in future chapters.

The nation