Fish told himself over and over again that he didn't care what anyone thought of him.
He did though. He cared too much. Why must something of such little meaning matter at all?
It had been a few weeks since he had found Pyrails. He had to admit that he was feeling better about how everything had been going. He knew he had to make up for what he had done. But that was going to take time.
He had found artists. Not colts like himself but fillies instead. He didnt mind though, it was nice to talk other ponies.
These other ponies were brave and felt no shame in showing what they loved to the whole world. He admired them for that. The other ponies would encourage him to express himself.
Even if it sounded like a great idea he would still refuse because he was certain that his friends would abandon and alienate him if they ever found out his secret so he continued to stay quite while this new internal battle began inside him.
It was Hearth's Warming and he had a long break from school. Fish felt like a burden had been lifted temporarily because he didn't have to deal with anypony or think about anything.
Smoking clover also helped. Getting ripped then going flying was fun, but started to feel like more of a crutch every time Fish smoked. Everything changed when he was high. He was happy and care free, but seemed to crash more often.
He was free to fly everyday and not be bothered. Life is good when you don't care and you are really high.
But again he felt something rattling around in the back of his mind. A single question.
"Should I just let go and embrace who I am?"
Any pony could easily answer yes, but not him. The other artists could easily do this. Fish kept going through all the bad things that could happen if he just let everything go and told everypony he was an artist.
He would go flying and let his mind ponder on this for awhile until he was brutally snapped out of it by a tree or another pegasus.
Once he had a particular bad crash and he knew he was losing control of himself.
"I'm done with this shit" Fish thought to himself. "I'm done smoking clover, I don't need it to be happy".
He was one step closer to becoming a better pony he thought to himself cheerfully. After an intense day of flying he returned home to find is parents in the middle of a verbal war. Carefully he slinked up to his room with out being spotted. Fish was good at being unseen. He hated his parents for fighting and wished he could just leave.
"Not much longer until I'm of age and I can move out of this fucked up house."
He knew that it wasn't healthy to stay there. The constant anger in that house was tearing him apart mentally and emotionally. Again like other things he blocked out everything and focused on things that brought him joy. Fish started blasting music and drawing. He could feel his problems melt away.
His inner peace was quickly ruined by his mothers voice, "Fish! Dinner!" she hollered up the stairs. Slowly he made his way downstairs where his family would eat in quite while the tension between his mother and father grew. This was normal and that was pretty fucking depressing.
Fish didn't hate his parents. He loved them a lot, it was just the constant bickering he couldn't stand. They had always been there for him and they had taught him many valuable lessons.
One of these lessons was silence:
"Don't talk while I'm talking"
"Think before you say something stupid"
"Don't talk with food in your mouth"
"Just be quiet"
They never ment to teach him this but they did and it stuck. He always thought before speaking making him more hesitant when expressing his opinions. Still at school he would talk freely in class about all sorts of things but never about his beliefs and opinions.
He was free to think about whatever he wanted to with out any type of consequences.
No one judged him and no cared what he said, as long as he stayed quiet and kept it to himself.