Within the Crystal City, Anon, King of the Glass Horses, saw to the affairs of state.
“Stupid tax laws,” Anon grumbled.
“Stupid social reforms”
“Stupid ponies showing up expecting me to fuck their wives”
Flipping the table Anon let out a scream of rage “why couldn’t this have happened when I was single!”
“And especially, STUPID TAXES!”
“S-sire” a timid voice said.
“What!?” Anon snapped.
Looking at a purple crystal pony mare holding a clipboard Anon’s enraged expression cooled down.
“Sorry I, what was it you were saying?” Anon asked calmly.
Becoming slightly less tense she slowly approached her king “well, sir I don’t want to question you but… you’ve already complained about taxes” she explained.
“Oh, well I still hate them. Seriously, why do I have to rewrite your system? Didn’t you have one before the Sauron wannabe douche-turd took over?” Anon asked.
“Well sire, we did once. But your predecessor made sure to erase everything from before his reign. Much of our art, laws and even culture have been lost” she explained.
“Great, I'm going to have to rebuild this entire society from the ground up,” he said in a sarcastic tone.
The Empire was in a sorry state. It’s citizenry had just gotten out of slavery so the economy basically didn’t exist, it was surrounded by stronger states with no real allies yet and to top it all off Anon did not have access to coffee.
“I’m sorry I never asked, what was your name again?” Anon asked.
“Clear Crystal your majesty” she introduced herself.
“Well Clear, I want you to go out and start creating a census. I want a list of every citizen in the empire, their names, addresses and anything else that might be important” Anon ordered.
Bowing slightly, Clear Crystal left the King to his work.
“I bet you’re loving this… whatever god is watching. I spend two years not paying taxes and now I’m the one making everypony else pay it”
Anon still hated taxes, he hated them a lot. But the royal coffers did not.
He hated taking money from earners the whole taxing season. Don’t ask me why, no writer quite knows the reason.
Maybe his head wasn’t on quite right, maybe it’s all the libertarians he listened to at night.
But I think the most likely reason of all, was back on earth, his paychecks were two sizes too small.
“All my life I’ve put up with them now, I must find cash without taxes, but how?”
“Fuck I’m turning into Dr Seuss”
Going through the hours of economic and industry documentaries he watched back home. Most of which being semi-satire YouTube videos, he tried to come up with a system.
And he continued to, again, and again, and again. For twenty eight hours until he inevitably gave up.
“Fuck this shit I’ll find a diffrent income source!” I snapped.
Hearing a knock on the door Anon turned his attention away from the financial state of the empire.
“Come in” he said.
Coming through the doorway with a cart full of large thick books, Crystal Clear panted heavily.
“I have (gasp for air) the census (more enhailing) you’re majesty” she panted.
“Shit that was fast, thanks” Anon thanked.
1st census of Crystal Empire Subjects.
Adult male population: 4,101,443
Adult female population: 4,148,551
Foal male population: 2,189,541
Foal female population: 2,187,643
Total population: 12,627,178
“Thanks, fuck you all live in this one city? I mean I know the place is huge but still fuck” Anon stated. Soon realising he would be responsible for all these ponies.
“We were once the heart of a much larger Empire, your majesty, our capital swelled in size due to its great deposits of crystals, but unfortunately it appears generations of Equestrians have settled our former lands,” Crystal explained.
“Yeah I keep hearing about that. Recently. What’s you’re opinion on the lands?” Anon asked.
“Personally your majesty, I’ve come to terms with it. We’ve been gone a thousand years and those lands have long since been settled by others. We can’t expect them to up and leave lands they were born on, but many of your subjects still view those lands as rightfully ours. You should tread carefully before making a decision on them” Crystal Clear explained.
“Thanks for the advice” Anon thanked.
Gratitude wasn’t something the Crystal Ponies were used to getting from their king. It had been a while since they had a ruler who saw them as more than a cheap labour force.
Crystal Clear had a good feeling about this new king.
“Sire” a guard said as he entred the chamber “hm?” Anon responded.
“You have guests from Equestria, one of the alicorns is with them” he explained.
“How fat is her ass?” Anon asked.
Initially stunned the guard quickly recovered “um, not particularly big, but still larger than the average mare” he explained.
“Ooh Cadance is here” Anon said with a pleasant tone in his voice.
Within the throne room Cadance and Shining Armour sat, waiting anxiously for the ‘King’ of the Crystal Empire to arrive.
“Cadance! Shining! What a pleasant surprise” Anon said merrily as he walked in to greet his friends.
“It’s been a while Anon” Shining said, having a smile of relief grow across his face.
“Dude it’s been a week,” Anon pointed out.
“Yes but it feels like months,” Shining said, getting an elbow from his wife.
“So what brings you two to my humble abode? Celly didn’t send you to check if I’d burnt the place down yet has she?” Anon said jokingly.
Joining in each other’s nervous chuckles the royal couple looked at each other before going back to Anon.
“No, of course not. We just came to see how you were doing with the new… job” Cadance blatantly lied.
“Well, I’ll tell you this it’s no picnic, the whale dick got a horn having cunt who was here before me destroyed basically everything in the administrative infrastructure so I’ve basically been rebuilding the Empire from scratch”
“Wow, that sounds like a lot of responsibility for one stallion” Cadance said, feeling sorry for her friend’s burdens.
“Yeah but don’t worry, I played at least 200 hours of Victoria 3 before I got teleported here so I think I know what I’m doing” Anon said confidently.
“Victoria… what?” Cadance asked.
“They were all perfectly balanced campaigns” Anon stated.
“But enough about me how have you two been? Any news from Twilight?” Anon asked.
“We’ve been fine, better then fine actually, and Twily’s been good two as far as her letters say” Shining said, getting a little giddy as he spoke.
“Ooh, something happened, spill the beans” Anon said excitedly. His lust for drama starting to take hold.
“Anon, we’re having a foal” Cadance said, a smile spread across her face.
“Aw, congrats to you two” Anon congratulated.
“Thanks Anon, at least some good news has happened this week” Cadance said, half whispering the second part.
“You’re not still mad about not being queen of the glass horses are you?” Anon asked, his bat-like ears having picked up her muttering.
“Oh no it’s not that, actually from what you’ve described I’m relieved. But… things aren’t going too well back in Canterlot” Cadance admitted.
“It’s my fault isn’t it” Anon stated, knowing clearly where this was going.
“Of course it isn’t” Cadance denied.
“Really? I basically stole a fifth of your national budget, set up my own kingdom all but cutting you off from your main ally on the continent and openly humiliated Celestia and Luna because it all happened under their watch. Which reminds me I need to get a I’m sorry cake for them” Anon stated.
“Frankly I’m disappointed that civil unrest isn’t a direct result of my actions, that’s how it usually goes” he added.
“Well… some of that applies, but you didn’t mean any of it so I wouldn’t worry too much” Cadance said.
“I meant to steal that money,” Anon said.
“Do you want to know what’s happening or not?” Shining asked impatiently.
“Ok”
“Well, Luna’s been grounded after Aunt Celestia found out she gave away all the nation’s wealth to a foal then sent a ‘death squad’ after said foal”
“Heh”
“And the nobles have been acting up due to the bit suddenly losing value. It’s almost like our supply has tripled”
“Classic case of inflation, happens all the time”
“But that’s not too much to worry about. I’m sure we can secure another loan from Saddle Arabia. They’ve always been there to sure up our finances in the past”
“Ok I’m sorry wot?” Anon asked, his lying survival mode snapping off once he heard the last part.
“Oh, Saddle Arabia’s been giving Aunt Celestia loans for centuries, as long as she pays them back they’re happy to keep lending” Cadance explained.
“Oh, oh that’s good, for a moment I was worried that Equestria was in crippling debt because Tia doesn’t understand modern economics or something” Anon chuckled.
“So how much does Sun-Buns owe them anyways?” Anon asked.
Scratching her chin Cadance tried to remember the amount “last I checked it was around five hundred bits” she said.
“Oh good, that's not so bad,” Anon said.
“Per citizens” Cadance finished.
“What the heeeeeeeell? How do you stack up so much debt!?” Anon said, truly perplexed by the issue.
“Do you know how much it costs to rebuild after every monster/villain attack?” Shining asked.
“Oh that makes sense now”
“Anyhow, who’s up for some lunch? I feel like I haven’t eaten all day” Anon invited.
Moving to the dining hall the three ponies enjoyed a light salad.
“So Anon, any major plans for your new Empire?” Shining asked.
“Eh, I've got a few things. First and foremost I need to get everyone-“ Anon began.
“Everypony” Cadance corrected.
“I will send you to Jesus” Anon responded.
“Sorry” she apologised.
“Now where was I? Oh yeah, getting everyone back to work, hopefully they can at least try to go back to their pre-Sombra lives, adults going back to their jobs and children going back to school. After that modernising will be the main focus, opening up trade and building railroads so we can actually move the fuck off huge crystal hoard Sombra made. Last thing I want is some dickhead dragon showing up because of shinies” Anon explained.
“That’s.. surprisingly reasonable, I’m proud of you Anon” Cadance said.
“Then we can make taxes illegal,” Anon added.
“And there it is” Cadance sighed.
“Anon you need to collect taxes otherwise how else will you be able to pay for anything? Like roads, schools, the guard?” Shining asked.
“Simple, first things first as the sovereign I own all resources within my empire’s borders. That means my huge fuck off mines are all mine. I know how to run a business so I’ll run the mines like a business. Secondly do you REALLY think rich assholes WON’T move here once they realise they don’t have to pay taxes here? Heck it wouldn’t surprise me if this place was full of dragons and griffins by the end of the year and thirdly I intend on making this place the tourist trap of the north. Eat your heart out Las Pegasus!” Anon explained.
“Anon, even if that all goes to plan… why would you go through so much effort just so nopony has to pay taxes?” Shining asked.
“My ambitions are many multiverses ahead of what any being in this world can comprehend. But to simplify it I hate taxes, making others pay them is hypocritical. I want my subjects to be able to do almost anything I can. If they want to blow off some steam by having a mug of cider in the morning they can, if they want to accidently bring down the largest crime family in Las Pegasus while trying to find out where you go for room service they can, if they want to go home after work every night, enjoy some quiet quality time with their family, put their foal and their step son to bed and then fuck their thicc milf marefriend then they can! For that’s what I did before this whole king thing and by god I will make that an option for them!”
Blinking for a moment, Cadance pushed her near empty plate away. Having suddenly lost her appetite.
“That’s… nice?” Shining said, making a mental vow to never hang around Cadance’s friends again.
Suddenly the doors to the hall opened, thankfully for the royal couple making Anon lose his train of thought.
“Your majesty, I hate to interrupt but the royal sisters of Equestria are requesting an audience” a guard explained.
“Oh sweet, Celly and Lulu are here, it’s a full reunion up in this bitch” Anon said, happily trotting to his throne room.
“Somepony is going to die aren’t they?” Shining asked.
“Eeyep” Cadance responded.
Following Anon to the throne room the couple saw Princess Celestia and Luna stood in front of the throne. It was a strange experience for them, seeing the Princesses stood where partitioning ponies would usually stand.
“So what can I do for you girls?” Anon asked, relaxing on his throne.
Luna looked more sheepish about the whole situation than her sister but Celestia appeared to be frankly worried.
“Anon, as one of my oldest friends I need you to be completely honest with me. Are you serious about this whole King idea?” Celestia asked.
“Oh yeah sure, I’ve already commissioned a bed with a steel frame so yeah I’m a king now” Anon confirmed the worst fears of the Equestrian government.
“Now that that’s settled you want to trade or something? We can go halfsies on railroad track bills” Anon followed up.
Quickly regaining her composure Celestia smiled “that’s agreeable, perhaps we can discuss negotiations over some tea?” Celestia suggested.
“Sure, warning all the tea here is technically a thousand years out of date” Anon joked drawing some light laughter from the royal.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, it’s the company that makes tea delicious” Celestia said.
“Um, sir- King Anon? Before we undertake any negotiations. May we request a private moment of your time?” Luna asked.
“Sure thing Luna, hey Cadance can you show Celly to the dinning hall? I’m sure someone will get you tea from there” Anon said.
“Of course, this way Auntie” Cadance said, her and Shining dissapering along with Celestia.
Left along with Luna, Anon started to mentally regret not heiring more guards.
“So… whatcha need?” Anon asked casually.
“We… we must ask you a favour” Luna said hesitantly.
“It’s not about the money is it?” Anon asked.
Shanking her head Luna momentarily flashed a smile “no, if anything back in Canterlot has shown us anything it’s we may have TOO many bits” Luna explained.
“So you’re getting more stable currency from the Saddles eh?” Anon asked shocking the princess.
“Cadance?” Luna asked.
“Cadance” Anon confirmed.
Letting out a huff Luna continued with her request.
“As you may know the story of a thestral king in the north has spread towards many of your brethren throughout Equestria” Luna explained.
“No actually I’ve been held up in my room rewriting the entire legal system” Anon admitted.
“Well, many thestrals have shown intrest in moving north, seeing one of their own as a ruler giving them new… opportunities that currently don’t exist in Equestria” Luna said.
“Ah I see where this is going, do you want me to ask them to give you another shot to fix things between them and the other ponies?” Anon asked.
Luna lowered her head, shame starting to occupy her expression.
“No, we have tried, but our actions as Nightmare Moon have brought too much damage to our subjects. They may not be hunted as they were in the nights just after our exile. But Equestria has made it clear they are not ready to accept them. My request, is simple” Luna said.
“Anything Luna” Anon promised. Seeing in her expression and hearing in her voice how much this mattered to his friend.
“All ponies deserve a tribe. Others they can belong to. While we are not one of them, the ponies of the night have been ours and we theirs since our memory will permit. We cannot protect them from our mistakes. Perhaps one day they can trot side by side with their cousins but for now they need a new home to flourish”
Dropping down gracefully to one front leg Luna bowed before the bewildered Anon.
“Please Anon, we, I’m not asking for you to take all of them, just those who feel that Equestria is no longer their home” she requested.
Anon thought for a moment or two. But that was a mere formality. He made up his decision the moment Luna asked for help.
“I’ll find room for them Lulu, I promise” Anon said.
Rising from the floor Luna smiled genuinely “thank you Anon, we are in your debt” Luna thanked.
“Don’t sweat it, I’ve been planning on moving the diamond dogs under my employ up here anyways. Sell my old mine to Pinkie’s family. They scare me but they’re good ponies. So ponies moving in shouldn’t be too difficult to handle” Anon explained.
“Hey do you think the pegasi would be able to get rid of all the snow clouds up here?” He added.
Being taken aback by his question Luna thought for a second if she had misheard him.
“Excuse me Anon, what?” Luna asked.
“You know, get rid of the snow clouds so the snow might melt away. I’m up to pay but I’ve only got bits which are useless right now and crystals. I’m planning on expanding in the long run and unless some dragon had a big pile of Crystal Hearts I’m kinda limited space wise” Anon explained.
Thinking for a moment Luna had to admit his logic was sound.
Pegasus weather teams had altered the very environment across Equestria for a millenia and more. The land’s natural weather patterns are but a distant memory even to a being her age.
It was possible.
“It is… possible” Luna said.
That’s what I just said you bitch.
“But to attain such a feat it would take thousands of pegasi” she warned.
“Eh it’ll be a while before I try it so we can cross that bridge when we get to it” Anon shrugged, his carefree nature shining through the responsibilities of leadership.
“Hmm, perhaps the crown has melted away Anon’s worse elements leaving only his better elements. The Empire may be in better hooves then we thought” Luna thought to herself.
“Now let’s go, if we don’t hurry Celly will probably eat all the cake” Anon chuckled.
Following her friend Luna felt at ease. Knowing that it would be pace in their time.
Meanwhile at the entrance to the castle a pony stood waiting to be allowed in.
“Mr Vasiliy you can’t just walk in and talk to the King” the guard stated.
The cream coated and orange maned stallion narrowed his eyes slightly.
“Your ‘Empire’ borders Stalliongrad. It’s only natural I would want to seek a meeting with your leader” Vasiliy explained.
“You’ll have to return at another time, hopefully requesting an audience beforehoof next time” the guard stated.
Glaring at the guard for a moment Vasiliy turned around and began walking away. His mission foiled for now.
AN: I’m going to be borrowing a lot from Equestria at War for lore. Mostly because as far as I’m aware Hasbro never thought their target audience would grow to include people interested in the geopolitics of the world they created.
Strange thought kids loved that stuff.
Don’t worry, Nonners is gonna get an assistant of some form to free up time to head back down south every hour and then for non-political chaos.
Who fancies seeing them play a Fantasy Flight Star Wars game? Because I’ve got more than a few campaign ideas I’ll never get to use.