This is a calamity. Jesus has been channeling his might through Applejacked. Spike has been influenced by some unnamed dark forces. Something truly otherworldly is trying to bust into Equestria. What has Spike done, or was it him who did done doodley do it then? Perchance.
"I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and saviour!" - Twilight shouted at the top of her lungs. The table she was holding up was almost entirely chopped through by a bloody clever that Applecrack was wielding. The earthponey now calmed down.
'Finally, Twilight. I knew you would really be able to see the light. Jesus is the bread" - She cleaned the cleaver with a musty rag, 'what about you, Spike? Do you ALSO accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?" - the eyes of the only recently un-crazed pony jabroni have squeezed with the power of macho man Randy Savage squeezing Hulk Hogan's palm that one time when Mega Powers were formed in WWF in the 80s.
"ehm...sure" - a panic stricken answer followed.
"Here, take this!" - Applefag threw a couple more rusty cleavers at Twilight and Spike with reckless abandon, almost chopping them in the process, if not for them dodging them with the reaction time of an immensely asian player of dance dance revolution.
"What do you want us to do with them?" - Spike treated lightly"
"We gotta kill the false god. Chop down her wings. Deglaze her in her own blood and eat her flesh ofcourse. We might also do ritual mating with razor encrusted rubber baton. We will then proceed to molest all of the children in her castle" - The earth pony out of this planet in her mind clarified.
"Twilight..." - Spook started whispering in Twilight's ear, "Something tells me, this Jesus dude is NOT alright. I don't really vibe with Jesus tbh"
"Calm down, we obviously won't let her murder Celestia, but we have to find a way to snap her out of it. I am not losing another friend today. At least tomorrow, but not today" - Twilight clutched the rusty blade in her hand.
Applejack turned in startling fashion - "Jesus talked to me, he hates false gods, and also has a bowling game with a guy named The Big Lebowski. Jesus wants ALL the children to hear his gospel. He also wants to win the bowling prize...and murder the false gods. He speaks to me. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Dios Mio, man."
"Suuuure deal, Applejack. Let's murder the false Gods and bathe in their blood then!" - Twilight agreed with the friendly if condescending voice she usually reserves when telling some communist ponies about the wonders of trickle down economics.
Twilight and Spike followed Applecrack at a distance. The earth pony babbled to herself. Her knees twitching. She rubbed the blade on her down there part. The cold touch of steel aroused her in the name of violence and disregarding the very reasonable laws about the age of consent. It was a sight to behold. Then again, Twilight did not believe in signs or sights, she believed in science, and there had to be a plausible explanation for all of this, as well as a potential way to free her darling friend of the existential dread of being possessed by Jesus who had a beef with Big Lebowski. Maybe it is that Big Lebowski man that they had to find, to truly immerse themselves in the depth of the Jesus Lore.
The night sky illuminated the secret path into the castle. Spike and Twilight spent the entire way through it in silent contemplation and close examination of Applejack's erratic and erotic behaviour. It was very hard to admit that their friend seemed long gone. In the deep darkness of the cave, only the reverbed sounds of her gentle farts reminded them of that earth pony they used to know and love and avoid closed environments with. Could this be the end. Could the natural gases that inflame themselves inside Applejack's guts, because of her insistence on consuming turnip, which she notoriously can not handle well, be the last thing that connected their former friend with this mortal coil of hers. Could this obsession with Jesus can at all be alleviate and dealt with? Guess only time will tell. With no Big Lebowski in sight, Jesus roaming uncontrolled and the dark powers that took hold over Spike hiding in some crevice of this magical etherworld, the heroes of ours were left alone with final moments of interactions with the shell that used to be their former best friend.
Perchance