//------------------------------// // From Sad Anon to Dad Anon // Story: Adventures of thestral Anon // by ImNew2023 //------------------------------// Gathered in Twilight’s library the Mane Six stood in various states of shock. Twilight appeared to be rebooting from a server error, Rarity was fanatically scribbling on a notepad, Applejack just looked disappointed, Rainbow was laughing hysterically while Pinkie and Fluttershy simply cooed and fussed over the little foal currently strapped to Anon’s chest. “You- you got the bug queen pregnant!” Rainbow laughed “shut up Dash you’re just jealous he isn’t your son” Anon responded with a bit of venom in his voice. “He’s so cuuuuuuute!” Fluttershy squealed, the foal having the front half of her hoof in its mouth, attempting to consume it with great effort. “How’da know it’s a colt?” Applejack asked “its colt-stick” Pinkie explained nuzzling the foal’s head “well I ain’t in the habit of looking between a foal’s legs, especially when I just met them” Applejack explained. “He’s so cute Nonny, are you sure he’s yours?” Pinkie joked “have you seen the size of his junk? I hate to say it but this is definitely my boy” Anon stated. “So what’cha gonna call him?” Pinkie asked “hell am I supposed to know? I just met the kid, sat in a basket full of Shining’s dick pics” Anon said. Snapping out of her reboot Twilight snapped her head towards the newly christened father “I’m sorry what?” She asked “can I see?” Rarity asked, putting the notepad aside “Rarity!” Twilight snapped “sure they’re here” Anon said holding out half a dozen photos of Shining Armour’s shlong to the marshmallow mare. “Damn Twi! Why didn’t you tell me your brother was packing!? I hope Cadance is the sharing type~” Dash said peaking over Rarity’s shoulders as she drooled slightly over the various photos. Ripping them out of her friend’s grasp with her magic Twilight incinerated the pictures much to Rarity and Rainbow’s dismay. “Girls this is serious! Now Rainbow please write a letter to Princess Celestia telling her what’s happened while I comb through my books to see if anything like this has happened before” Twilight asked “on it” Rainbow did giving a mock salute. “Wait a minute, why is Celly getting involved?” Anon asked “Anon, this is the first case of a changeling/pony hybrid in recorded Equestrian history. This doesn’t happen, even amongst other types of pony. A foal will rather take after the type of its mother or father, never both” Twilight explained. Thinking it over, Anon started to see where she was coming from. Looking down at the colt, the little creature was happy and carefree. Getting a steady supply of attention from Fluttershy and Pinkie. “Then why the hell is it both?” Anon asked “I don’t know, but we’ll find out once the Princess gets here” Twilight said. “Ok, but I’m warning you now if some scientific snob wants to dissect my kid I will go full Liam Neeson on y'all” Anon warned. Tilting her head Twilight raised an eyebrow “who’s Liam Neeson? Is he a friend of yours from back on earth?” She asked. “Pff, I wish. But no, he’s an actor who’s famous for playing a character who went nuts after some guys kidnapped his daughter” Anon explained. “Anyhow the only real question left is how am I gonna take care of this guy?” Anon asked “what do you mean? You’ve already got a foal on the way, haven’t you prepared or anything?” Rarity asked “well yeah but that’s different. Mine and Cream’s foal is going to come out rather a earth pony or a full thestral, not a half love sucking shapeshifter. Do I need to feed him love or can he eat regular food?” Anon asked. “Have you checked to see if he has a butthole?” Pinkie asked. “Wha- why would I check that?” Anon asked a little disturbed by her questioning “well, if this itty bitty foal has an itty bitty booty hole then that means he’s gonna poop eventually. Love isn’t a physical thing Nonny so he can’t poop it out. So if he’s got one that means he can eat normal stuff like everypony else. But for now he’ll probably need some teet milk until he can move onto solid foods” Pinkie explained. The entire room looked at Pinkie for a second, shocked at the oddly helpful logic she used “what?” Pinkie asked “Pinkie… y’all scary sometimes sugarcube” Applejack stated. Giggling slightly Pinkie flashed a huge grin “I know!” She said happily. “Knock knock knock”  Going over to the door Twilight opened it “Princess!? That was quick” she said in surprise at the speedy arrival of her mentor/probable waifu “I received Rainbow Dash’s letter that Spike sent and teleported here immediately” she explained pulling out a letter from her saddlebag. Dear Princess Anon knocked up Chrysalis now he’s got a foal. Love, Rainbow ‘the awesomest’ Dash “Rainbow that isn’t remotely what I wanted you to write” Twilight scolded “what? It’s accurate” Rainbow defended “you won’t believe how many spelling errors I had to correct” Spike whispered to Anon. Being let in, Celestia approached Anon, giving the foal a close inspection. Something he found enjoyable as he reached out and booped the princess on the nose. Letting out a chuckle Celestia smiled at the newborn “he really is your child isn’t he Anon?” Celestia said “it would appear so” Anon responded “may I ask what his name is?” Celestia asked. “Well I’ve only had him for a few hours so I haven’t really thought of a name yet”  “Really, and may I ask, how exactly did you come into possession of yours and Chrysalis' child?”  “Oh that’s easy, she dumped him on Cream Heart’s doorstep and left him with this note”  Handing Celestia the note Anon quickly realised his mistake. Watching the happy face of Celestia melt away under a tide of building rage he took a few steps back from her as she read. “That no good- what kind of- how could any mother do this to her own child!?” Celestia snarled, surprising everyone in the room “if I ever get my hands on her I’ll rip her to shre-“ she started before the rage froze.  Locking eyes with Anon’s foal, the princess saw him becoming physically scared at her more aggressive posturing. “I-I’m sorry for my outburst, but. I can’t believe any mare in all of Equestria, even Chrysalis could be that cruel to their own foal”  “It’s all good” Anon stated “but now that you’ve brought it up” Anon added. Sitting down and fishing his son out of the baby carrier Anon held his half breed son up, looking him eye to eye. “I shall name him, Mini-Me” Anon stated. Lightning and Thunder roared  in the background as he did. “Ok maybe not”  Pondering this riddle for a few minutes Anon came to a conclusion “ok, from now on, you shall be known as Albus Serverus Anonymous. And you are my son” Anon stated. “Um, Anon, what kind of name is that?” Twilight asked “they’re the names of a gay wizard who left a child with his abusive aunt and uncle for 11 years then raised him to die and a bitter wizard who bullied said child because his racist dad bullied him as a child then cucked him. But that child still grew up to call his child after them” Anon explained. Giggling happily Albus wiggled in my grip “see? He likes it” Anon added. “Now anything else I should know about Celly?” Anon asked. Slowly, Celestia’s face dropped into a saddened frown “Anon, Albus is the child of one of Equestria’s worst enemies. Thestrals unfortunately already have a difficult life due to the legacy of Nightmare Moon. But the son of a changeling as well-“ Celestia started, pausing herself midway. “Go on” Anon insisted. “Anon, your son will unfortunately face many hardships in his life. Finding friends will be difficult, living a normal life will be even harder” Celestia warned. Looking down at Albus, the little colt had no idea what he was in for. But that could wait, for now he was a fluffy little baby, that was enough for Anon. “I know, but I’ll be there. It took me a while to get accepted even before I got turned into a thestral, I got through it and I’ll help him get through it” Anon explained. Smiling with pride, Celestia gave Anon a nod of approval “if you need any help Anon, I will give you all the help you need. Luna will be more than happy to help as well” Celestia said before exiting the library, needing to return back to Canterlot before the nobles get any more inbred. “Rarity, you’ve been holding it in for a while, go on, let it out” Anon relented. “OH FINALLY! I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS I NEED TO TRY THEM ALL ON THE ADORABLE LITTLE ANGEL!” Rarity squealed, bouncing about like she got into Pinkie’s coffee supplies. After an hour of measurements and smothering by Rarity, Anon took Albus home.  Waiting in the living room, Cream Heart stood up to meet her coltfriend “is everything ok Anon?” She asked. “Yeah, listen. I know this is all a little sudden but-“ he started “you want to keep him don’t you?” Cream Heart interrupted, she could almost tell what her coltfriend was thinking. “Yes. Regardless of where he came from, he's my son. I couldn’t live with myself if I passed off that responsibility to anyone else”  Planting a kiss on his cheek, Cream Heart nuzzled Anon’s head with hers “you wouldn’t be the kind of stallion I could fall for if you did” she said warmly. “I really am the luckiest stallion in the land aren’t I?” Anon asked rhetorically “and I’m the luckiest mare, I’ve got a bonafide dilf all to myself~” Cream half joked. Snorting in laughter Anon lifted Albus out of his carrier “Albus, this is Cream Heart, the most important mare in my universe” he introduced “hi there Albus, I’ll help your papa take care of you from now on” Cream Heart said before planting a kiss on Albus’s forehead. (The next day) “Ah Sunday, best day of the week. Just me, my family and blissful quie-“ Anon said cheerfully before being interrupted by a less than peaceful sound. “But Moooooom!” A whine called out from upstairs “no buts young stallion, you’ve spent all weekend playing video games now you need to do your homework” Cream Heart stated. Going up stairs, Albus clinging onto his back, Anon peaked into Button’s room. There the mother-son duo stood arguing “hey now who’s casting avada ka drama without Nonny?” Anon asked as he walked in. “Button hasn’t done his homework for tomorrow,” Cream Heart explained, “but it’s so boooring!” Button protested “Button it isn’t boring, you’re supposed to write about an ancestor and their accomplishments” Cream Heart said “but that’s it! All our ancestors are boring! We used to be farmers in Appleloosa then grandpa moved to Ponyvillie and that’s it! You’ve told me every story about our family and they’re all so boring! Even the Apples are more interesting and they literally all have the same job from birth to death” Button stated. Trying to hold in a laugh Anon straightened his expression when Cream Heart gave him a glare. Seconds later Cream’s face went from stern to devious “you know Button, technically Anon is family, if you really want something more exciting you can write about his ancestors” Cream Heart suggested. “Wait wah?” Anon asked. Leaning in Cream whispered into her coltfriend’s ear “this is a great chance for you two to bond. Also if you do it I’ll convince Cup to have a threesome~” she said quietly. “I mean yeah! This old tuna can is full of salty Anonymous family memories. So what you say Button wanna crack it open and take a whiff?” Anon asked, putting way too much effort on the H in whiff. Recoiling slightly at the metaphor Button let out a sigh “ok I guess” he said in a defeated tone. “Great! I’ve got a lunch meeting with Cup Cake so I’ll see you boys later” Cream Heart said, planting a kiss on Button’s head then Albus and Anon’s cheeks before exiting the house leaving the three boys to their own devices. “Don’t worry kid it’ll be brief, Anonymous family history actually starts in 1990” Anon said. Peeking up Button let a small smile across his face “oh, that doesn’t sound too long ago-“ he started “BC” Anon corrected much to Button’s dismay.  Long ago when the pyramids were still young, the Pharaohs of old battled in terrible duels known as the shadow games. “Cool!” Buttons said as his excitement was starting to grow.  But that’s not the story we’re here to tell. “Aww” This story begins within the northern Kush was a man named  Anon-Tep. A melon farmer who had moved from further south in search of more fertile farmland. One day an Egyptian raiding party came down from the north to take slaves and loot. “That sounds mean” Button stated. Yeah they were total Aholes. But they burnt down the wrong melon farm. Rallying his fellow farmers, Anon-Tep defeated the Egyptians and took from them their battle chariots. Using his fame Anon-Tep built an army and moved north. Deposing the Pharaoh of Egypt, marrying his wives, daughters, sisters and mother thus beginning the Anonymous Dynasty. “Wow, what happened next?” Well… nothing really. Sure he made a few tax and agricultural reforms, there was a big uptick of trade during the early years of his rule but nothing really new came of his rule. “Oh… still it’s pretty cool anyway” But that’s not where it ends. To maintain his throne he needed allies, to get allies he needed marriages between his children and said ally’s children. So he went on to impregnate EVERYTHING he could find, some say his children numbered in the thousands and married them off to nobles from Gaul to Persia. Within a millenia his bloodline had spread itself over an area twice that size. By the end of his rule half of the nobles of Egypt were related to him through marriage. Blinking Button tried to comprehend the almost graphic descriptions Anon gave. “Oh- ok? So how did his reign end?” Well, as it would turn out the last Pharaoh had one last son who didn’t flee once Anon-Tep took power. He later married a Eblaite princess in hope of using the alliance to take back his father’s kingdom.  And he did. Anon-Tep lost the decisive battle of the downwards bulge and his twenty four year rule came to an end. The new Pharaoh would spend the rest of his rule trying to remove any trace Anon-Tep even existed. Which would be ironically avenged when his son married two of Anon-Tep’s granddaughters securing his bloodline’s rule in Egypt. “And that was the story of my oldest ancestor. So you wanna write that report on him?” Anon asked. Rubbing the sides of his head Button tried to rack his brain around this “wait, if the Pharaoh tries so hard to make Anon-step disappear why do you know about him?” Button asked “all of Anon-Tep’s children passed down his story orally through the generations. “Ok… do you have any other ancestors? Those less, 18+?”  “Oh sure tons, but we didn’t really do anything for another millenia. Just bide time” The next great Anon was Anonius Greekious. A noble of Macedonia, he took part in the wars of Alexander the Great as a lieutenant and later general of the great King. “Did he overthrow this one?”  No actually Alexander and Anonius seemed to get along as well as they could. They fought their way across Persia into India and back again.  It was even arranged that Alexander’s infant son would marry Anonius’s daughter once they came of age. But that day never came due to an… unfortunate accident. Within the palace of Babylon Anonius, one of Alexander’s closest advisers prepared a surprise for his king. “This is the greatest idea I have ever had,” the green man said, smiling at his handy work. The marble floors of the palace had become dull as of late. To impress his king Anonius had covered the floors in a layer of oils and grease. The result was floors that shone like the sun itself. “Once the floor’s dried Alex will be so impressed. He might even agree to my request, soon Egypt will be back in the hands of the Anonymous Dynasty” Anonius chuckled as he rubbed his hands together. “Hey Anonius, did I leave the invasion plans for Arabia in here?” Alexander the Great asked casually walking into the room. “Wait Alex the floor isn’t!” Anonius tried to call out. But it was too late, Alexander slipped on the oils and broke his neck. The king of Macedonia was dead. Realising what he had done Anonius took the only responsible option left. Slowly getting into his knees he slid out the room, whistling causally as he did. With Alexander dead Anonius first tried to take his armies and take Egypt by force. But Ptolemy cut him off.  With his ambitions thwarted and the kingdoms of Lysimachus and Seleucus closing in on his forty thousand men Anonius, desperate to establish himself as one of the Diadochi Anonius was forced to move to the farthest edge of the empire, taking Sogdia as his realm. For the rest of his life he would have to fight off the Seleucid and nomadic tribes until his empire was inevitably absorbed by the Sassanids centuries later. But he got a really neat statue back in Greece so there’s an upside. “Wow, all your ancestors are really depressing” “Hey not all of them have sticky ends, take my great grandfather 40 times over Anonius Gaius Maximmian” “Oh no there’s more of them” Anonius Gaius Maximmian was a Roman businessman who settled in the province of Britannia after its conquest at the hands of Claudius. Being a former legionary and cunning fellow Anonius had acquired not only his 60 acres of land within the north of Britannia but managed to win an additional 600 acres from fellow veterans via gambling which he won with loaded dice. “Great, a usurper, a murderer and a cheater, I’m so glad Mom considers these guys my ancestors now,” Button said in a monotone voice. “Oh hush these aren’t even the worst people I’m related to”  But not all was well. One day while overseeing his farm he was kidnapped by a tribe of locals. Bound and gagged within a war tent, Anonius struggled to get free. As he struggled the tent flap moved open.  Moving inside the tent several red headed women in armour glared at the bound Roman. Removing his gag they stood over Anonius, one keeping a sword pressed against his throat. “You took our lands Roman, slaughtered our men and left our tribe weak. Now you will repay us in full, we’ve studied your so called ‘civilised” ways. We will trap you within one of your own social contracts and take our land back” one explained. “You must truly be insane if you think I’m giving you an acre of land you dumb bitch!” Anonius laughed. Confident that legionaries were on the way to save him. Then they started undressing. “Because of you we have lost our land and our men. As the Roman with the most of our land you will replace both, now don’t resist, it’ll only make this take longer” their leader said as she moved closer, using her sword to cut open Anonius’s clothes. After weeks of being kept as a slave by the warrior women Anonius was (reluctantly) rescued by legionnaires.  Unfortunately all the Britons were pregnant so by moral tradition Anonius was forced to provide for them under the anti-degeneracy laws of the time. “Ok that’s just messed up” Button stated “you know what’s more messed up? My family still owns that land. My eighth cousin Timothy Von Anon runs the place. Nice guy” Anon explained. “Ok Anon I need to do a report on an ancestor I’m proud of. These are all terrible ponies-“ Button stated “people” Anon corrected “whatever, can we just speed run through them until you get to one who isn’t a total monster?” Button asked “well ok but I’ve got a lot of ancestors” Anon warned. “Ok, on 3 we go” “Got it” “Ok, 3!” “The first protestant bishop of Bath and Wells” “And?” “He was called the baby eating Bishop of Bath and Wells” “Next” “A mercenary who became Raja of a kingdom in India via betraying the Raja who hired him then marrying his mother” “Next!” “A khan who took over the Aral sea and surrounding area after the collapse of the Mongol Empire” “Did he kill someone to get there?” “Only the entire garrison” “Next!”  “The inventor of the bicycle seat”  “What was wrong with him?” “He intended for it to be a club to assault attackers with” “Next!!” “A merchant who was the first European to make a trade deal with India” “Did he cheat them?” “No he just called it chai tea, it literally means tea tea” “Next!!” “President Kennedy” “Next!!!”  “An oil baron who gave most of his wealth away to help struggling families during the Great Depression”  “Ok he sounds cool” “He made it back selling illegal booze” “Next!!!”  “That’s really all of them sorry”  Facehoofing himself Button left the room “hey kid where are you going?” Anon asked. “I’ve got this dumb assignment to do and this hasn’t helped at all! I’m going to see if Sweetie Bell will help me on it” Button yelled before the sound of the door roughly slamming seconds later. Frowning to himself Anon let out a sigh “Guess my family isn’t considered ‘moral’ on two planets. At least I didn’t tell him how my great great grandfather built railroads through eighteen orphanages” he said to himself. Gently picking Albus off his back with his teeth Anon rested his son on a hammock made of his unfolded wings “at least you’ll always see the best in our bloodline hey little buddy?” Anon chuckled as the little foal giggled while being rocked in his father’s wings. Unfortunately the moment was ruined by a sudden smell entering the room. Sniffing around Anon recoiled for a second before turning his attention back to his son. “You just shat yourself didn’t you?” Anon asked, only getting a raspberry blown as a result.  “I’m embarrassing you in front of every filly you end up bringing home I hope you realise?” Anon stated. “Keep the kid I said, you’ll be a dilf I said” Anon grumbled under his breath. -1 day later- “I’m home!” Button called out “welcome home sweetie” Cream Heart greeted while stirring a pot of stew that was meant for dinner. “Hey Button '' Anon greeted amicably. The two hadn’t talked much since yesterday’s failure. Shuffling his feet in place Button nervously reached into his saddlebag and pulled out a piece of paper “hey Mom, could you have a quick look over my assignment. Mrs Cheerilee said it was good but I wanted to know what you think” Button asked. Taking the sheet of paper Cream sat down next to her son before she started reading out loud. Over the last few months I’ve learnt that there’s more than one kind of family.  There’s the one you’re born into and the one you find. My report is on the family I found. Anon isn’t just a really fun stallion to be around, he always helps my mom around the house, he makes her happy and I’ll be a big brother soon thanks to him. He’s a really good writer, even though Mom says I’m not old enough to handle his books but never mind. Plus he’s friends with the Elements and all the Princesses to, which is super cool. He taught me that just because somepony has a bloodline filled with more evil than all the monsters of Equestria times ten doesn’t mean they’re not a good pony.  He’s not my dad, but I'm glad he’s my step-dad. Even if he is the descendant of the Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells. Whatever that means.  “So… what do you guys think?” Button asked “oh Button! This is going on the fridge” Cream said, locking her son in a vice-like hug as she smothered him and kissed him “Mom! It’s just a B-!” Button said, trying to pry himself free. “Anon are you crying?” He asked, his struggle holting for a moment as he noticed Anon’s reaction. “No, you’re crying. Shut up I’m just sweating from my eyeballs. It’s a natural evolutionary trait of Thestrals” Anon lied through his sniffling, tear filled eyes. AN: did you guys know there was actually an Irish mercenary who became Raja of an Indian kingdom? Seriously look up George Thomas.