“This is going to end so badly for me,” Elijah said as he wandered through Ponyville. “I can already tell. I wonder what’s going to try and kill me this time. Maybe an army of horny Diamond Dogs will mistake Rainbow Dash for a mate, and I’ll have to (shudder) ‘stop them’. Maybe a meteor will fall towards her and I’ll be crushed. Maybe I’ll-” Elijah walked right into a tree.
“You know what? I’ve stopped caring. I just don’t care anymore! Jesus, I’ve had to handle the relatively normal ponies so far, can you imagine what’s going to happen to me when I handle Derpy or Pinkie Pie?” Elijah sat down underneath the tree. “I’m just going to sit here until Rainbow Dash kills herself, then I’ll be off to Super Hell, which I’m now convinced is infinitely better than what I’m dealing with now.”
A sharp stinging sensation began to fester in Elijah’s back loins. Looking down, he saw he had plopped his ass right on a fire ant hill.
“Of course I would do that.” Elijah ran screaming around like a little girl, spanking himself until all of the insidious insects had perished.
Elijah, his ass still burning with the intensity of Satan’s piss, turned his attention off to the skyline, where he saw none other than Rainbow Dash herself soaring through the air. Twisting and twirling, she had her eyes closed. The human observing her guessed that she wanted to try eyes closed as a new feat of awesomeness.
Of course, she was now on a collision course for a very unique tree. This tree had been growing on the edge of the Everfree Forest for the last six hundred and sixty-seven years. It was leafless, had long, arching branches, and was covered in large thorns. And Rainbow Dash would see become a new addition to this very wonderful piece of Equestrian Flora.
“Good, she’ll fly right into the tree and die, I'll go to Super Hell, and spend the rest of my days watching Jersey Sh-” Elijah’s eyes widened. “Oh God, I have to save her!”
Elijah sprinted as fast as he could over to the tree where Rainbow Dash was currently heading for at full speed. His legs burned more than his ass, which was getting chafed from so much running. He had to save Rainbow Dash at all cost.
Just as Rainbow Dash opened her eyes to see that she was too close to the tree to stop herself, Elijah jumped in front of the cyan pegasus. Her bone-rattling crash was muffled by the soft fleshiness of the human. Elijah squeeked in pain as Dashie’s body smashing into his, breaking several ribs. Being flung back into the tree, Elijah winced in pain as three long spines drilled hard into his asscheeks.
“Please stop focusing on my ass so much. You’re causing me so much pain down there.”
I guess you could say you’re...
Butthurt.
YEEEAAAHH!
*Ahem* Anyway... Elijah fell off the tree, and landed on the ground, blood slowly pooling around him.
“Wow, thanks!” Rainbow Dash said gratefully. “You broke my fall!”
“You broke my spine...” Elijah gasped, then recalled something. “Wait, how can you see me? And hear me, for that matter?”
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I dunno. I drank from that fountain over there because I was thirsty, and now I've been able to see all sorts of things that don’t make sense!”
Elijah looked over to the fountain in question, which was labeled “Reverse LSD.”
“Why would they even have a giant fountain like that?” Elijah said to himself. “I guess Equestria is basically one big acid trip anyway.” Turning to Rainbow Dash, he asked her a question. “What are you seeing right now?”
“Industrial New Jersey.”
Elijah nodded. “Yup, that’s pretty much the exact opposite of Equestria. Come with me, I’ll make sure you don’t come into harm’s way.”
Stuffing some leaves into his pants to act as impromptu bandages, Elijah led the hallucinating pegasus inside a nearby cave.
“This seems like good place to keep a hallucinating individual until them calm the fuck down.” Elijah had not been paying the slightest attention at all during health class when they were talking about drugs, and still thought PCP was a type of robot.
Rainbow Dash lied down on the floor, cowering in fear of indescribable horrors she was witnessing. “Oh sweet Celestia... the school system! It’s so poorly funded! I don’t know why I care, but suddenly I do!”
“In the meantime, I think I’ll bounce this rock off the back of your head!” Elijah picked up the small rock, whom he dubbed “Tom Jr”, and bounced it off the back of Rainbow Dash’s head while he questioned her about what she was witnessing.
“So... what are you seeing?”
“Smog... smog everywhere! How do you people even live in that place?”
“Well, I wouldn’t describe living in New Jersey so much as ‘living’ there, but more of ‘dragging your feet through the days until you die of pure depression.’”
Rainbow Dash began to cry. “Oh the horrors! What have I done to deserve this? What have I done?” Sniffing, she wiped a tear from her face. “Hey, am I crying? That’s sorta hot...”
Elijah gave the pegasus a look, and the two stared at each other in an awkward silence. Rainbow Dash glowered back at the human. “What? Crying is a turn on.”
“Right. Well, you seem to be recovering from the drug, so I’m just gonna-” Rainbow Dash tackled the human.
Elijah was thoroughly pinned. “Start crying. NOW,” Rainbow Dash growled.
The human tried to squeeze away, but his squeezing technique left something to be desired. All it was was him flaining his arms, which were currently pinned under Dash’s hooves.“Woah, Dashie what are you- AAAAAHHH!”
“CRY, RIGHT NOW!”
Elijah began sobbing. “Oh Jesus... this is gonna- AAAAAAHHH!”
“You like this, don’t you?”
“Well, I suppose a novice writer could mistake your Must-Win Attitude for sexual aggressiveness- OH GOD SOMEONE HELP ME!”
I suppose this is a bad time, but this song fits perfectly