“Aw, horseapples.” Green sighed, and resolved to never try helping if he could… Well, help it.
You’d think you’dve learned a lesson, but no. Just had to try helping the nice mare running the train. And she was so nice too… The cross-eyed mare had an incredible temper, though.
Which, of course had lead to him being thrown off the train with a water bag and some food. He’d certainly make it to Appleloosa in… Maybe two weeks.
“Your train was bucking slow anyways!” Grumbling a few curses best not repeated in company of his somewhat elderly family, the young pegasus spread his wings and decided to make a few kilometers in the sky.
===
“Shit shit shit shit-” A storm had swept in. The west was covered with thermals and so he’d dozed off in a glide, trusting his instincts, which had pulled him up just as a bolt of lightning blew by horrifyingly close.
Now, it felt like what he figured flying in a hurricane was like. Oh please merciful Celestia and Luna guide this poor little soul’s journey-
With an frightened yelp he realized nearly too close that he was in fact in a straight dive, leveled up with a groan under the weight of his cargo, and skidded to a halt-
Splat.
Nearly, skidded to a halt. Then tottered into a mud pool, hastily flapped out, and promptly got blown into a tree.
There was, if anypony was around to hear, a quiet, very unstallion-like, whine.
Eventually, though, a leaf slapped him in the face and he finally decided it was time to seek cover before something more unpleasant and painful hit him.
===
This is fine. A nice Zebrican mare lived out here in some absurd twist of fate. She’d slammed the door in his face almost, but then after confirming he was real, and not, as she said, an evil spirit come to take her soul.
Green decided that asking about the assault rifle with glowing green lines tracing through the barrel and what looked like a griffish prayer slapped onto the receiver would’ve been rude.
Even after it’d been pointed in his face.
She looked almost heartstoppingly contrite, which helped a lot, honestly. “Once again, I am very sorry. It was not my intent to hurt you in the slightest, but-”
He put up a hoof. “N-no, it’s… Fine. Uhm… Honestly, I’m just glad to get out of the storm, ha ha…”
“Well, Young Miss, my name is Zeldeka and I’d like to welcome you to my little hut. It isn’t much and you might find it sparse, but…” She disappeared around a corner.
“Actually-” Green didn’t manage to get out more than that, all else covered by a loud clatter of pots and pans.
He scowled, and got up from the surprisingly comfortable and warm (enchanted?) wood floor, following her path…
And found himself coming out into the same room.
“What. No, what the fuck?” With a frown, he set his hooves and had another go at it.
Back to the same room.
“…okay then. Zebrican spellwork. Lovely.” Returning to the floor, he pulled off his saddlebags, and considered them.
Apart from the seal, they looked pretty regular. That and the… Well, taste, of magic in the air around them.
“…nothing for it then.” With one eye closed and leaning away, Green flicked the flap open with the tip of his least favorite hoof, using a nearby folder as an improvised shield that might’ve stopped a stern talking to if it was a good day.
As maybe was expected, it was full of mail.
“…”
And then the thing started glowing. As is good common sense in Equestria, he reared back. As was the norm in Equestria, it obligingly exploded.
===
It remains a fact of life in Equestria that trying to go anywhere yourself outside of a city is a risky proposition. Magic monsters, old ruins, and the remains of a war or two.
The Diarchy solution was to turn the REMS into potentially the world’s only non-aligned state funded semi-charitable special forces organization, exclusively revolving around the delivery of mail.
Every Royal Equestrian Mail Service deliverypony, griffin, dragon, yak, and singular deliveryling, must all pass a rigorous SERE course that certifies them for being capable of maintaining acceptable state of mind even through icy wastes, burning deserts, vicious jungle, and belligerent townsfolk. They are trained in basic speech across multiple languages as to ensure they can at least ask for medical aid, give a pleasant greeting, and unofficially, swear colorfully enough to earn local respect.
Medical and self defense training allows them the knowledge to survive, if not succeed, in encounters with aggressive fauna, incensed griffins, or in one case, Ponyville.
REMS deliverers are often alone or in pairs, rarely found in any significant number together. They swear confidentiality and professionalism in anything short of the apocalypse, and to see through the mail on time, year round, with minimal damage to the contents.
Being that they’re allowed through conflict zones under several independent international treaties, the results somewhat speak for themselves.
===
It stood in front of him, face… Swirling. Shifting. Almost pony, but not quite. The rest of it did as well; unicorn, pegasus, earth, and Green swore he saw a kirin and griffin’s pieces in there somewhere.
“Who be you?” The voice spun through voices, from young colt to aging mare.
Green took a good three seconds to realize he was being spoken to before screaming and popping his wings for a flight. After another few seconds of terrified yowling and flapping, he ran out of breath and also realized while he took in another, that he wasn’t moving anywhere.
“So… Not going to kill me?”
A few strange chuckles. “Death does not teach the lesson to others.”
‘Oh. Oh fuck me. Those jokes make way more sense now.’ He’d heard every so often jokes about crossing the mail service. They’d slipped to the back of his mind before he’d been able to ask about them, but now all of them made the sort of sense that happened when your ass was on the line.
“Wh-” The pegasus’ voice cracked with a squeak and he cleared his throat, then tried again. “Who’re you?”
“I and We be the mail service’s past. Most, though not all.” It took a step forward. Green immediately yelped and tried to scramble backwards again.
Squeezing his eyes closed as he tried not to imagine how this spirit of mail would turn him inside out or something, his voice cracked slightly. “W-wait, I wasn’t trying to steal any mail, I was just trying to turn in the mail!”
“…really, now? Hmm.” The pegasus opened his eyes a crack. The vaguely ponylike figure in front of him seemed… contemplative.
“Be this the case, the next place for you is here, then. Deliverer you may not be in name, but in truth, you will be.”
“Wh-” And suddenly, he was back in Zeldeka’s living room.
===
“Hmm, a most curious encounter if what you say is true. Though did you really have to touch that bag without any clue?” The zebra gave Green a Look.
“…well, I touched it earlier and it didn’t-”
Hoof met striped face. “Fool that I am, I invited you through my door, unknowing that you were such a dangerous boor…”
The pegasus fluffed up a little. “H-hey! I’ve got a great education!”
“…” A stare met him.
“…okay fine, I touched the magic artifact twice and it was stupid and I coulda blown my hooves off. Happy?” Green refused to meet her eyes.
Zedaka sighed. “It is not the bag that is the issue, rather it is that the next time, fate may not miss you.”
“That was a stretch.”
She colored slightly. “Well, tradition it may be, but… I have never been good for rhyme, you see.”
“Still, what should I do about the whole… floaty magic marker only I can see?”
“…” The zebra considered the pegasus for an uncomfortably long silence before she cleared her throat. “Ain’t it simple? Go follow it.”
“I-” He blinked, and tried for words. Zedaka snorted slightly.
“Really though, why does it bother you so? If what you say is true, it isn’t much more distance to go.” The zebra sipped her soup, tilting her head. Green made a face.
“Well… I think I got conscripted into the REMS.”
“…Ah, shit, I do think I see why you have a problem with it. For a mare who got her flank beaten by a hard gust of air, you going out there hardly seems fair.”
“…I’m male, but other than that yeah basically. I just wanted the bits, man…” The pegasus sighed, and flopped slightly onto the table.
“I cannot offer you much, I’m afraid, some thief took much of my supplies in a raid. But even so I can give to you, a charm that… might provide a boon?” The zebra winced at the ending.
“I’ll take anything. Celestia’s sunkissed flank, if I manage to survive this I’ll buy you all the supplies you WANT.” Green groaned.