Sometimes, I wonder if Mary is just naturally gifted at making friends. I mean... just look at her. Sitting out in the rain all by her lonesome and drenched from head to hoof. She's been there for quite a long time now, maybe a few hours. Any pony who could pass by on her would initially have thought it was just one more of Tiara's usual ploys to trick someone against their better judgment. But after ten minutes, thirty minutes, an hour, three hours... Well, it was hard not feeling sorry for her. Even the look on her face was pitiable.
But let me tell you this now: Being inside of her head was a wholly different experience. She wasn't sad or particularly hung up on something or other that had upset her. She was thinking. Those wheels were turning, and questions were churning out into her mind. Those pony passersbys were partially correct to assume Tiara was plotting something. Only partially because that wasn't me who was plotting.
Bam! A door flung open. "Haven't you made us look bad enough with that whole Gabby Gums incident?! We told you to scram already! No is NO!" And then Bam! again, it shut.
I was never particularly heads or tails over the Crusaders, honestly. It might've seemed that way thanks to the show's portrayal and the limited screen time shown of me, but I never exclusively singled them out for name-calling or bullying. In fact, I don't think I was ever truly angry at them or hated them. What I hated was this world in general, and they, like every pony in Ponyville, were just collateral damage to the anger within me.
But now they were actually starting to tick me off.
I tried to yell at the image of Mary still sitting out in the rain thinking on how she could begin to apologize and make it up to them after all that I had done before. But alas, she could not hear my spiteful namecalling and encouragements to abandon them entirely. The ungrateful curs! How dare they dismiss Mary's efforts so easily.
Okay, maybe it was my fault why Mary was having such a hard time... but still.
Flowers? Nah, too simple. Apology letter? They'd probably just rip it up without reading it. I could still try that cake idea I had in mind. That was Mary's voice speaking in an inner monologue like she so often did when thinking hard about anything. So yes, Tiara was plotting something. A good plot, for once.
And here comes the point why I asked if Mary is just a naturally loveable person, because even without actively trying or putting any of the miriads of plans she had into effect, she had stumbled into the opportunity to be forgiven. It was as if her good nature was a physically manifesting aura that other ponies could sense from her. Coupled along with the multiple days and hours she had sat by the Crusader's clubhouse almost everyday and asking to be forgiven each time, this finally wore down their resolve even without Mary knowing it. She was still in the middle of formulating the most elaborate apology cake known to pony kind when the clubhouse door kicked open one more time, and out appeared the three worried faces of the Crusaders to walk over to her where Mary sat in the muddied ground, the rain still kicking up a storm around them.
She hadn't even noticed them at first until an umbrella with pictures of apples on it blocked off the rain from hitting her further. Looking up, she found a white hoof in front of her, being offered so as to let her stand. Finally, it was the orange pegasus that draped a towel over her so that she could dry off and warm up within it. Silently, she followed their wordless beckoning towards their tree clubhouse, wiped her muddied hooves before entering, and shivered at the entrance while feeling like she didn't want to overstep further than she had to.
Scootaloo was the first to begin with the questions. "Alright, what is it that you want Tiara?" She did not hide her distrust and exasperation at all.
"We're only just getting back into every pony's good graces after those gossip columns you made us write, and now you're out here trying to make us look bad again?" Sweetie Belle huffed with indignation.
"Not to forget how many hurtful things you've said and done to us over the years!" Barked Apple Bloom.
"How could you go and tell every pony my secret that I can't fly! I can't even look Rainbow Dash in the face anymore..." Scootaloo's voice was small, and it showed how deeply hurt she was over it.
"Ever since you teased me about my singing, I've constantly had doubts about myself..." Sweetie Belle seemed to be facing her own demons too thanks to what I had done.
"And that time you told me I wasn't a real Apple because my Cutie Mark hasn't appeared with something apple related yet? I had nightmares for weeks. I sometimes still do..."
"So I'm going to ask you one more time, Tiara." Scootaloo's voice dropped menacingly, now showing off her rage. "What do you want? Why are you doing this? Because after all you've done, don't think for a second that we'll forgive everything you've made us go through."
"Not just us, but all of Ponyville. Let's not forget who tipped off Nightmare Moon about where Twilight and my sister were headed to for the elements of harmony." Apple Bloom continued.
"Let's not forget who sided with Discord when he turned Ponyville upside down." Sweetie Belle added.
"Or Trixie when she banished Twilight from Ponyville with that Alicorn amulet." Scootaloo said to end their statements.
At this, Mary flinched. She had been silently sitting through this bombardment of accusations she was never supposed to be responsible for, and for reasons only she and I knew, this particular incident had been the worst of them yet. Her whole body seemed to droop from how much it had shaken her resolve, and she could do nothing but look down towards the floorboards of that treehouse.
It's a bit of a good thing that she didn't have the ability to see the kind of expressions the Crusaders were making at that moment in time. She would've seen the horribly conflicted looks on their faces as they teetered between all-out worry now that their indignation was drifting away at the sight of what looked to be a truly broken down Tiara. Those three were good fillies at heart, and they couldn't stand to see even their worst enemy suffer to this extent. Mary looked extremely pitiable when she was thinking, after all. And right about now, she was thinking of that amulet.
If she had seen them, perhaps this coincidental spell she inadvertently created would've been broken. Mary is very honest, you see. She would've told them there and then not to worry about her, as she wasn't feeling sad over any of the things they had accused her with. They would've misunderstood her at that simple comment, and she would've been back to square one in trying to get on their good graces. But accidentally, wordlessly, she had convinced the Crusaders that Tiara had, had a change of heart and was truly looking to apologize despite the truth being so much more complicated than that in multiple ways.
"So what now?" Scootaloo began again, her question quiet and gentle. "How do we move on from all of this, Tiara?"
Scootaloo had asked a very good question. A very hard one at that. How does one move on from being enemies with someone? Think of your own bullies, if you have any. Maybe they haven't hurt you so deeply that you can't imagine yourself being friends with them, but try to. How could you begin to forgive them? What would they need to do? And would you even want that yourself?
Hate is that kind of sticky feeling that likes to cement itself. I should know, as my life has been that way since I was born. Hate will do everything to convince you that it is what's best for you. It'll tell you you're better, grander, and above all. It gives you strength when life inevitably goes wrong, and shifts the blame when you're the one that's wrong. It protects your pride and all the things you hold dear in life.
So when hate tells you that you want nothing to do with a pony, not even their redemption towards you, it's especially difficult to move on from it. And now the three ponies who had, had no choice but to breed that hatred due to what I have done to them for so long, were now looking towards Mary for answers to something they just couldn't seem to find an answer for. Lucky them that it wasn't me who they asked, because I don't think I'll ever have the answer to it.
And neither did Mary.
"I... I don't know... I really don't... I've been thinking about what I can do to make it up to you, but nothing seems to be good enough. Flowers, cakes, or gifts seem pointless and hollow. I've thought about it for so long now, and I keep turning up with no good solutions. I could spend all my life trying to make it up to you, and I honestly don't know if I ever could. I wish I could ask you to forgive me and be my friend, but if I put myself in your horseshoes even for a second, I don't think I could. So I won't ask that of you. You don't need to forgive me. I just want for you to hear my apology and know that I truly mean it. I hope that you can move on from the hurt I've caused you."
The truth of it is, there are no words, no gifts, and no actions you can do to apologize to another. No physical answer. Mary's heart seemed to break after she ended those words, and our body began to tremble and sob from within with her sadness. Perhaps even from my own. Because she was teaching me a truly important lesson I wish I had learned sooner before I had to subject Mary to such heartache...
Without knowing it, Mary taught me remorse for the first time. In my love for her, I found out exactly what kind of ugly consequence my actions had brought about. It felt like her words had been speaking to me directly, almost as if they were my own. Inside of my mind, I repeated my sorries to her over and over, knowing I could never truly apologize for the kind of hurt I was inflicting on her. It wasn't just the gods that had damned Mary to a cruel fate. I was the true culprit of this ugly life she had been handed.
But Mary also taught me another lesson. At that moment, the Crusaders each put a hoof out in front of Mary's and looked to her wordlessly, waiting for her to join hers to theirs. When she did, Sweetie Belle was the one to use magic to bring the towel up to her face so she could wipe away her tears and snot from that terribly heart-breaking display she'd put on.
"To be honest, forgiving and forgetting is so complicated." Apple Bloom began.
"It's exhausting to think about." Scootaloo followed.
"But what I do know is... I would also like to be your friend, Tiara." Sweetie Belle answered for the three of them, as the other two Crusaders nodded along, their concern for Mary on their face. "I don't know what happened to make you change like this, or whether this is even a good idea... But I'm willing to give you a chance."
"You girls are such fools." Mary said finally more contentedly, sniffling out the rest of the snot in her nose and smiling so brightly at them.
"I guess we all are." Apple Bloom said as she fetched another towel for her.
"Just... don't make us regret it, okay? We really want to trust you, Tiara. We don't quite forgive you just yet. But we rather you be our friend than an enemy, any day of the week." Scootaloo huffed.
"Thank you, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle." Mary and I said in unison at that moment.
Never had I felt more relief than when the Crusaders had given me another chance. I never truly liked them, and I never truly hated them. But now, I was really starting to like those three fillies. They hadn't given up on me, and as a result, they didn't give up on Mary. I was truly grateful for what they did that day. Against their better judgement and in the face of our long and terrible history.... They gave us another chance.
The other lesson that Mary had taught me... it was that there was no physical answer to begin apologizing to someone. The real answer, well, that is you yourself. If you don't hold that strong desire to be forgiven... If you don't have that deep feeling of remorse... Then no amount of gifts or words or actions in both these wide worlds would ever be enough to be worth being forgiven over.
They were never her burdens to begin with, but Mary adopted them for my sake all the same. It was agony to watch her suffer and toil through so many different apologies. Sometimes going so far as to stress our body until she'd return physically exhausted from trying to make amends with certain ponies. But thankfully, the Crusaders were always there lend a hoof when things became too much for her to bear alone. I could have never imagined myself being such close friends to the Crusaders before Mary had ever come into my life, but after a while, with all the effort and help they lent to her over the years, I could not come to think of better friends.
Strangely, in the same way hatred can breed more hatred, so too can love. My love for Mary eventually branched on to many other ponies and creatures who all pitched in towards her efforts. I once thought of Ponyville and all of Equestria as an ugly two-faced world with no amount of beauty in it. And Mary's world didn't seem all that different either. But all these experiences Mary was giving me was slowly opening my eyes.
I felt like I was waking up from a nightmare for the first time and only barely seeing the truth of it all. Sometimes... all we really need is to give things a second chance. Maybe even a third, a fourth... We can't stop trying. Because in doing so, we might ultimately doom our loved ones to a misery of our own design. And I wouldn't have learned any of this had it not been for her.
Mary was truly the best of us, at least for me. So for her, I will be the greatest.
Even if that means I have to become the worst of us all.