I stumbled back into my couch with my breathing at a rapid pace. One moment I had my peaceful nap, and then I woke up with the feeling that I'm about to die.
But it was a dream, just not the good kind. And no doubt it's about what happened in school.
I'm not gonna lie, the whole thing messed me up too. I didn't think it would be this bad, this dreadful feeling that made me sense the world was closing in on me where I was surrounded by a potential threat that I couldn't anticipate it.
And it's happened again I could feel it, my hands were shaking, and I tensed up like there was something that was out to hurt me.
This became too much to handle, I can't stay calm like this. I jolted out of my seat only to trip over some of my items on the floor. I stood back on my footing in an instant and dashed my way to the bathroom. Punched the light switch open and slap water into my face.
It took me some time to calm down, finally. But I dreaded it didn't stop here, and I'll have to endure it again.
I shut off the sink and returned to my bed with a big sigh that escaped from my mouth. It's going to be a pain in the ass for going through this.
It all started with me and the kid departing from the hospital by sundown. I was on my own to take the bus right after she was picked up by her driver, those damn people that called themselves her parents.
If they were her real parents they should've come over themselves to see their daughter well and alive. But nothing I could've done at that moment, I'm looking forward to seeing her again.
On the way home I saw some people hanging around in the alleyway with a lighter and cigarette in hand. And before I knew it, I freaked out like the bus was set on fire. I made a mad run for it just as the bus stopped at a red light and ran for my life.
At least didn't last long, but it would surely repeat itself. I never knew what this was, at first, I suspected it was something I ate. But that couldn't be true, if I was poisoned I wouldn't be alive and pondering right now. Also, there's no way the hospital could poison its patients.
I had no idea what this was called. I even considered saying this to my friends about it but all I said to them was that I was fine and headed home, and it was just before I ran out.
They promised a sleepover by tomorrow, along with everyone in Ms Tempest's class they were in the Ever Free forest to study for the biology test. The school should be back in good condition real soon by this coming Friday.
Even if I had to wait for them, it's still be a rough night. One hell of a night.
I tried to relax and took deep breaths. Took in the cold breeze that flowed through my skin. At least the cold helped for that I finally gained back my composure.
You know what, I can't go on like this. I need serious help, the girls are probably sleeping right now, and I don't want to disturb them, but maybe I could leave a text saying I need help. Yes, I could do that.
I took my phone from the nightstand and browse to our Best Friends group chat, typing out the exact words I needed to say. But stopped at the last second when I suddenly thought of...her.
Poor kid, she went through so much. She never deserved what happened back there, and here I am seeking out to my friends for help with my pain, but that could mean I left her alone to suffer.
No, I can't just leave her like this. I'd be a bitch if I get help, and she doesn't have one. And I'm sure as Tartarus I'm not breaking my word when I said I'll be there for her when it goes bad.
The scars I inflicted from were cutting too deep that it's killing me inside. I felt every single cut that pierced through my heart, and it begged me to stop this. If I had help, it would.
But Diamond needs me. I'm the only friend she has now, and I'm not letting her down. Ever. I know what I said about living with trauma, and it's affecting me as much as did to her, but I won't let it stop me from being a friend. Even if I have to suck it up, so be it.
The pain still lingered, but I pushed them back as I wanted to, to do that I thought about the kid and her rough childhood. I focused on that thought as I went over to the fridge for a small sip from a soda can.
And sat back on my couch and wrote in my journal, putting down everything about how to help her.
But then any mentions of her name had somehow turned into another reminder of that day. And I felt the world had turned against me and I lacked the means to defend myself. And it took me back to that one moment I shielded her from that explosion. That's what I'm scared the most.
I slapped myself out of it and let out a big NO! It can't bring me down! Just not now!
But I fought off my nerves. It would be an impossible journey. But as long she's okay then that's all it mattered. She'll get better.
So I'll just forget about my pain, and bury it. I'll always be in pain, but I'll never show it and put her first.
Because in the end, I am her mentor and her friend.