Two hundred days self harm free, I’m two hundred days self harm free. The cocktail of drugs are finally working, working without turning me into a flipping zombie. I’ve gotten so much better since I moved in with my aunt and uncle last year. But I could always slip and fall. Slip and fall back into the psych ward. If I end up in the loony bin or jail one more time my grandparents are gonna disown me and I’ll lose my inheritance.
“Hey, Evita,” I whispered as my psychiatric service dog put her head on my lap. She gave me a nuzzle and it calm me down. My doctors’ recommend getting her after my second suicide attempt. When I was still living with my parents, Evita calm me down. That mutt saved my life. Last year I was so close to ending it all, and for real. But Evita took the knife from me and called 9–1-1. I don’t deserve her, she deserves a better owner than me. Evita jumped onto my bed and started to give me kisses. Covering me with puppy slobber. I saw a text from my Aunt Honeycomb. I had chores to get done. Keeping busy keeps the voices at bay. It also helps with my mood swings apparently. I looked at Aunt Honeycomb’s list. Better get on it, if I don’t I might be kicked out. I got dress, grabbed my bag and put Evita’s vest on and got ready to leave.
I took the bus to store, I’m not allowed to drive. I’m deemed too ‘mentally unstable to drive’. I guess there is a fear that the voices or hallucinations will cause me to get into an accident. If I drive I’m a threat to myself and others. First I went to the pharmacy and picked up my prescriptions. I put the meds in my bag and walked the blocks to the store. I walked into the store and looked at the shopping list. As I walked though the store, I started to feel the word close in on me.
You are useless
You don’t deserve to be in the Friendship Games
Yes you do, you are very competitive
Cinch only picked you for diversity points
“Sour, Sour, are you ok?”
I was on the dirty floor and saw Sunny Flare kneeling by me.
“Sour, are you ok?” Sunny asked again.
“Sour, let’s go to the back room,” Sunny whispered as I put my arms around her shoulder. How could she take me to the back room? Probably one of her million family members work her or something. I sat down on an old sofa and Sunny handed me a soda. I took a sip and my brain started to calm down.
“W-W-haat happened?” I asked like an idiot. I knew what happened, the voices happened.
“Evita ran up to me, I followed her and I saw you having a break down by the cookies. Are you feeling better?” Sunny asked. I didn’t respond.
“No, no juegues con la perrita, está trabajando,” Sunny said turning her head to a small child trying to play with Evita. Sunny was with one of her nieces when Evita got her.
“Want me to drive you home?” Sunny asked. All I could do was nodded my head yes. Sunny left briefly to buy her groceries and mine as well.
“Crumble, Tía Sunny needs to talk to her friend, can you listen to your music?” Sunny asked her niece as she buckled the kid into her car seat.
“Ok,” the little girl said. Evita sat in backseat next to Crumble. I looked at my hands in my lap. I played with my green bracelet, it was for mental health awareness.
“Thanks Sunny,” I managed to muffled not looking up.
“No problema.“
I kept quiet and when we got to a red light, Sunny gave me a smile.
“How old is Crumble?” I asked. Why was I asking how old that brat was?
“Crumble is four, she is Ray and Berry’s daughter. They are visiting since both of them are off of work for the week,” Sunny replied. I looked at the backseat, the child on her tablet, singing some Spanish kids song, my mutt sitting on the seat next to her. My cousin was going to have a kid soon and I wonder if I’ll be allowed around it. If I’m not allowed around the child will I be allowed to live with my uncle and aunt. If I moved back in with my parents will either end up dead, in the psych ward or jail.
“How many nieces and nephews do you have?” I asked
“Nine with two on the way,” Sunny replied. Of cause Sunny had a lot of bratty nieces and nephews she’s the youngest of nine flipping kids. I’m the middle of five and I haven’t talked to my older siblings since my first trip to the psych ward.
“I can’t wait to have a family of my own someday, have a beautiful spouse and beautiful children. I’m not able to get.”
“Shut up Sunny why would you want to ruin your body even more to have a little brat,” I yelled. I am not the matinal type and don’t understand why any sane women would want to go through that. I don’t understand why my cousin spent a shit ton of money to have a baby with her wife.
“I don’t get it, why would women have multiple children to help save her failing marriage but care for middle ones issues. Try to hide the mentally unstable one and cover up her suicide attempts because what if HOA finds out?”
“Sour, calm down you are spieling. I’m pulling over, you need to calm down. Sour Sweet.”
Everything went black. I felt my heart rate rise and dizzy. One of the side effects of my psychotic medication was issues with my heart rate, blood pressure. I don’t really know what hell it affects but it makes me faint. I really hope Sunny didn’t call an ambulance because it would lead to more problems.
“Sour, baby, it’s ok, you are going to be ok.”
I open my eyes to see I was in hospital with my aunt by my side.
“Aunt Honeycomb where am I?” I asked stupidly, I was in the ER.
“Baby, you fainted, over the summer your doctors are going to trailer different medicines. Current medicines are putting too much of a strain on your heart,” Aunt Honeycomb said brushing my hair. Great more drug changes this can only end so well. After finally finding meds that work for my brain it has to be changed because it doesn’t work for my body. I just wish I could be normal and not have to deal with all of these medications.