Luna, Princess of the Night, took a bite of sliced pineapple and hummed in delight. She leaned back in her chair. The lithe alicorn kept her eyes closed, enjoying the silence of the dining hall and the world beyond the windows.
It was a rare silence, similar to her Night Court. Luna rarely had enjoyed such silences during her late breakfasts; the castle was usually bustling with activity while she was trying to start her day. It was trying after a night of dealing with nightmares and petty troubles of her ponies.
But today, after a period of madness, there was naught but blessed silence.
Luna took a sip of lemon water and set the glass back down on the table. The table creaked dangerously, barely held upright by a stack of buckets and pans on the other side. It was surprise to find half a dining table this morning, held precariously upright and half-blackened with ash, but Luna was determined not to let that get to her.
Unlike the poor maid scrubbing an ashen shadow off the wall across from Luna. Her hooves shook as she dipped the sponge back into a soapy bucket, eyes far away and very wide. Luna guessed the shadow scorched into the brick was an earth pony, apparently holding or wearing a pith helmet. She glanced down at the morning paper and the photograph of ‘Prince Star Trek.’
“What happened afterwards?” Luna asked after another sip of water.
There was no response.
Luna turned to the two ponies standing beside her chair. Sergeant Nocturne and Raven Inkwell stood stock-still, knees locked and eyes staring forward at nothing in particular. Both of them had rather bad sunburns that discolored their fur.
“Sergeant Nocturne?” Luna shifted a wry look to her Night Guard.
“P-Princess?” Nocturne answered shallowly. His voice was distant.
“After my sister…divorced…her husband, what happened?”
“W-what?”
Luna sighed. “My sister went down to the vault, correct? With Rare Archive?”
“S-she asked for…” Raven stumbled over her tongue, “for a spear. Archive didn’t know about a spear.”
“She took the Staff of the Sun Serpent,” Nocturne picked up.
“Xiuhcoatl,” Luna corrected. “The old name.”
Both ponies blinked. The maid twisted her head to look behind her. Luna ignored it.
“So, she went and got her spear,” Luna pieced together. “Then she resolved to hunt down the thieves herself and departed with Corporal Long Spear. She was last spotted at a tattoo parlor fifteen minutes ago. Is that all?”
“Y-your sister said s-she’d find them herself. She left through the front gate with Corporal Long Spear,” Nocturne whispered. “She needed him to help track them.”
“And that is why the Dreamscape was abruptly filled with unconscious reporters just before I woke up,” Luna clapped her hooves. “Wonderful, progress. Who is Long Spear?”
“A Day Guard, Princess.”
“No, what tribe?”
“He’s…he’s an earth pony,” Raven offered.
Luna chortled. “Well, I hope he lives up to his name. Does he have a special somepony?”
“Y-yes? His m-marefriend does tattoos.”
Ah, getting the old war paint. Luna frowned and tapped a silver-shod hoof to her muzzle. “This situation is more serious than I thought.”
Another pony stumbled in through the doors, armor dented from fired quills by the army of reporters. “Acting-Captain Arrowhead,” the Day Guard saluted. The pegasus' wings were ragged. "We've taken the last of the reporters to the hospital."
Luna took another bite of pineapple and waved a wing. Her starry mane drifted around the ashen chair. “Report, Captain. Where is Flash Sentry?”
“Captain Sentry has departed to enact Daybreaker Protocol, your highness.” Arrowhead bowed.
The alicorn paused mid-chew. “I beg your pardon?”
“He’s headed to Ponyville,” Arrowhead explained. “Princess, please…reason with your sister.”
Luna stared at him.
Then burst out laughing, spraying pineapple across the table. She pounded a hoof into the table, making the precarious stack of cookware wobble on the other end. The alicorn tossed her head back and cackled. “My sister is not ‘Daybreaker’ or whatever insipid name Starlight envisioned,” she struggled to say through her giggles.
“Princess, s-she d-defeated the entire army of reporters with her hooves then burned their siege tower and battering ram.” Arrowhead’s eyes drifted apart. “So much p-pie, wasted.”
"Manehattan's stock market will fall apart when word breaks out," Raven mumbled.
Good thing there's no reporters to send word. “They’re all alive, aren’t they?” Luna shrugged a hoof.
“Many of them require intensive magic care to repair their s-spines.”
“Alive,” Luna repeated, “believe me, that’s restraint. Did she say anything?” She gestured to the ashen shadow.
“I don’t u-understand,” Raven whispered.
"Did she say anything after..." Luna gestured at the ash pony on the wall.
"S-she said t-to g-go to the v-vault—"
"Nay," Luna huffed. "I mean...something pithy. A quip. A riposte.”
"Um," Nocturne swallowed. "S-she s-said, 'Till death do us part' and l-left the wedding ring on the table."
Luna glanced down at the tarnished band. It was an old as her, probably one of the war rings that the old tribes braided their manes with, usually taken from the unicorns that wished to enslave them. To the uniformed eye, it looked like a cheap, faded wedding ring.
"Eh," she snorted. "Five out of ten. That’s not that bad."
Arrowhead swallowed. "When kicking her way through the reporters, she kept screaming, 'No comment!' in the Royal Canterlot Voice."
Luna chuckled. "My sister's favorite was throwing the spear, then saying 'Stick around,' so her lack of originality is a good sign."
"She did throw Equestria Daily's head reporter through a window after declaring an 'Off the record' opinion."
Luna hummed. "The record shop on 3rd?"
"Yes, Princess."
"The situation is more dire than I anticipated,” Luna admitted. “She’s regressed.”
Raven’s lips trembled. “S-she’s fallen? L-like…”
“Nay,” Luna denied with an errant hoof. “She has made no pact with dark forces, except her own vices.” The alicorn looked to the stain-glass windows of their victories, stylized over the long centuries. Red was not an often used color in any window.
“When We returned from our exile, even the Nightmare was flummoxed by the mare that would embrace us and call us sister. Gone were her muscles and booming laugh, wearing regalia as flimsy as the gold she once mocked. She supped tea!" Luna snorted. "Tea! Her personal guards were all stallions, yet she only eyed cake! Her appetite was legendary!”
Luna folded her hooves and glared at the table. “We thought she did it as a jest. That one day We would wake to another drunken bout and booming laugh, but…” she looked up at her audience.
Nocturne, Arrowhead, and Raven stared up uncomprehendingly at the alicorn. And how could they understand? Coya whispered to herself. They do not know a mare; they know a Princess, one of kindness and light.
Luna took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
Somewhere in Canterlot, an earth pony proposed to a pegasus. The nervous stallion dreamt of it last night. He was afraid to do it in public, constantly dreaming of eyes judging him.
But not of a braying crowd laughing at the serf appealing to his better. It was a simple stage fright. And the pegasus mare he fancied dreamed of the day the stallion would ask her, and of a foal’s crib in the future.
Their foal would have wings or a horn or nothing at all. It did not matter to her. She never dreamt of taking her half-breed foal away, forsaking her love, and dying a lonely, cold death in the clouds because that was where she should have been.
It was a better, kinder world. The one that a wild tribal named Coyolxauhqui dreamt of, shivering in a threadbare blanket of the Cloudiseum. And it was a world she never expected her sister to build. But when she returned from her mad folly, it was the world that awaited her, scary and confusing and yet so full of love.
But sometimes, Luna admitted to herself, I wish your little ponies weren’t so fucking soft. She groaned. You never did anything in half-measure, sister.
“Hath no fear,” Luna said aloud, “the once and past Prince is in Tartarus.”
“R-really?” Raven’s ears perked up.
“Indeed,” Luna lied smoothly. “Maid, you are dismissed. My sister will scrub the walls herself when she returns.”
The maid dropped the sponge into the bucket with a sigh of relief. Luna almost missed the muttered, “Could’ve blasted Blueblood,” as she moved the bucket to the side. Life and normality gradually returned to the other ponies.
“W-what’s wrong with Princess Celestia?” Arrowhead pleaded.
Luna levitated up the singed brochure for Seaward Shoals. “We are indeed retiring soon, tis true. My sister has been the Princess of Equestria so long she struggles to imagine being anything else.”
“She’ll always be the Princess to me,” Raven said stubbornly.
Believe me, that thought makes her snarl more than anything else, Coya laughed in her mind. I had to talk her into the job, and she negotiated pay like a true mercenary. “Regardless, Princess Twilight will do ably,” Luna said with finality.
“Of course,” Raven Inkwell accepted.
“Dismissed,” Luna announced, “all of you. I will go find my sister posthaste and she will realize that she still has a place in Equestria. I believe the ponies of today call it a ‘mid-life crisis’ or something similar?”
Arrowhead’s eyes widened. “Is Princess Celestia going to die!?”
Luna hesitated. “No, of course not.”
“Oh, good!”
“Nor will I,” Luna frowned, but Arrowhead had already turned to leave. Raven followed with renewed pep in her step, despite her sunburns. Nocturne bowed with a wince.
“You are hereby placed on medical leave,” Luna said to him.
“Thank you, Princess.”
Luna passed several sheets of half-burned paper over to the stallion. “Please, have the marriage annulled. Pass it to Captain Shadow. Technically, all Moonspeaker marriages must have my approval as Guardian of the Moon. They were never married.”
Nocturne glimpsed the number for alimony. He raised a singed brow under the helmet.
“We are sisters,” Luna smirked. “She would have done the exact same to me if the situation was reversed.”
Nocturne stumbled out of the room with stiff wings from the sunburn. The alicorn was alone, savoring the last of her pineapple and lemon water, a healthy way to start what would doubtless be a long day and even longer night. Her sister may have let herself go over a millennia, but three thieves were not a challenge.
Luna spared one last glance at the shadow burned into the wall. Poor Star Trek. If you had confessed thy sins at the start, she would have welcomed you later; her bed has seen far worse partners.
There was a flash of light with a whirling cacophony in kazoos playing a bridal march out of tune. Luna blinked sedately and sipped her lemon water. A kazoo blew in her muzzle. As a rain of confetti cleared, Discord waved a bouquet of flowers through the colorful storm and floating instruments.
“Where is the bride and groom!?” Discord shouted over the noise. He tossed the flowers between his lion paw and claw. They changed color and type with each toss. The Spirit of Chaos settled down, using his dragon’s tail as a beanbag. “I caught the flowers she pitched towards Ponyville last night!”
“How hath the once and future Princess reacted?” Luna deadpanned.
“I stole all the newspapers. You’re welcome,” Discord tapped an antler with his claw. “We’ve bought another hour.”
“Mayhaps,” Luna shrugged a hoof. “Captain Sentry is inbound.”
Discord smirked. “Off to marry another Princess, then? Oh, the chaos will be spectacular.”
Luna pointed to the wall behind Discord. “Since you’re here, do you mind cleaning up?”
The draconequus raised a claw to his mouth. “Already asking for favors, dear Lulu?” He turned around. “I suppose I can take…a…look…”
Luna sipped her water. “There is also some vomit on a tapestry and a broken vase in the bedroom hallway. I was intending for Celestia to clean up her mess, but you make it so convenient since you came here to gloat.”
Discord stared at the shadow silently. The kazoos melted with sad whines. He stood off his tail and wrung the bouquet between his mismatched hands. After a moment, he raised a claw and snapped it.
The pots and pans holding up the table vanished as the table was abruptly repaired, albeit with oak instead of maple. An ugly shade of yellow wallpaper covered the far wall. Luna nodded her thanks, not that her conversation partner saw it. He still faced away.
“Discord?”
“I had nothing to do with this,” he said quickly as he turned back. The flowers vanished. The Spirit of Chaos worried with his remaining fang. “So, is she all flamey and broily?”
“Canterlot is still standing, so no,” Luna quipped.
“That’s good.”
“She has the spear,” the alicorn said with an audible smirk.
Discord winced and rubbed his side. “Really?” he said with an awkward laugh.
“Yep,” Luna nodded.
He scowled at her. “Don’t use your sister’s madness against me.”
“You’re the one that tried to whammy her,” Luna retorted. “You ever find that missing fang?”
“It’s still missing,” Discord folded his arms. “I think she melted it during the fight.”
“I told you not to try it.”
He raised a single talon. “I thought it would reverse her warrior tendencies and make her a mewling pacifist incapable of hurting a fly. Not make her more stabby.”
“It made her more stabby.”
“So she claimed,” Discord grumbled. “Still not sure it actually worked. I think she just used it as an excuse. She kept stabbing for a few minutes after I undid it.”
“She didn’t need an excuse to stab you, tyrant,” Luna answered.
Discord’s paw drifted lower. “She stabbed low.”
“Deserved it,” Luna chuckled.
“No stallion deserves being stabbed there. Let alone 132 times.”
“I did not know you kept count,” Luna remarked.
“She did. She called her shots. While laughing. Not exactly the chaos I was going for.”
Luna waved a wing at one of the spare chairs. “She’s hunting down the thieves that stole the Amulet of Ra.”
Discord took a seat and snapped his talons. An orange fell into his paw and he began eating the peel. “I had nothing to do with that either.”
“I never said you did,” Luna raised a brow. “You might be able to find the thieves before Huitzy does if you’re in need of a good deed for fair Fluttershy.”
Discord considered it. “She has the spear?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll pass.”
Luna laughed again. “Best go before she thinks you were involved.” Her lips pursed. “You weren’t involved?”
Discord gave her a look of annoyance and buried worry. “You aren’t worried about this?” he needled. “Queen Helia come again, wandering the streets of Canterlot with no Hayctor to duel?”
“My sister may be the same pony inside her head, but a thousand years of cake and throne-sitting have taken their toll,” Luna rolled her eyes. “She’ll tire herself out.” Her voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. “Her flank could truly launch a thousand ships now.”
“It was quite the transformation over the years,” Discord admitted. “Solene turned more and more into a swan every time she visited. Stopped making threats and curses. And just…talked. About you.” He tapped his claw and paw together. “I…I enjoyed the talks. I prefer this Celestia honestly.”
Luna waved her wing at him. “Don’t.”
“I would never!” he protested. He snapped his claws, and a bag of ice fell into his paw. It drifted under the table. “I have phantom pains even thinking about that spear. I’d rather take your daggers through the eyes again.”
“Unlike me, she never learned,” Luna observed. “She’s stubborn like that. But if harmony hammers a lesson into her skull, she takes it to heart.”
“Everyone is capable of change,” Discord tugged on his beard, looking solemn. He palmed the unpeeled orange and regarded it with mismatched eyes. “Truly, I never quite understood love. Never considered it as a force of change.”
The orange burst into a stream of butterflies with wedges for wings. They circled the rafters, flapping in defiance of everything. Luna opened one of the windows with a flick of her horn, and the small flock vanished into Canterlot’s sky.
“You know that birds will probably eat them,” the alicorn said wryly.
“Circle of life,” Discord shrugged, “just like thieves and the Spear of the Sun Serpent.”
“Beware its bite,” Luna giggled. “Do you think she kept my daggers?”
“I am certain she did,” Discord answered. He noticed the singed brochure and his lips curled into a mocking sneer. “I take it I’m not allowed to visit? Might scare the old ponies to an early grave.”
“Depends. She might take the spear with her.” Luna finished her water. “I suspect we shall announce our plans earlier than intended. I may make up some lie about a cursed amulet or blame Chrysalis for dear sister's attitude. I'm sure she'll be embarrassed once the adrenaline wears off. Fare thee well, tyrant.”
“Moonie,” Discord teased back. He raised his claw. The Spirit of Chaos spared one last look at the newspaper of the former royal couple, then lowered his arm. “Uh, what plans?”
“You know which ones,” Luna huffed. “Do not play coy. Limit your torment of Princess Twilight. She may be less ‘stabby’ than mine sister, but allow her to settle into Equestria's rule.”
“Right,” Discord swallowed. He stood. His tail swished in the air. The draconequus hovered even when his wings did not flap, not that ever stopped him unless he found it funny. Luna observed him warily.
“Is something wrong?” the Princess of the Night asked. “My sister brought this madness upon herself; she does not blame you. Not yet at least.”
“No,” Discord said slowly. He looked around at the glass windows. The one Luna opened and closed was of his first defeat, both alicorns facing him with harmony in their hearts and not a spear in sight.
Because Solene had discarded it at the practical begging of the Tree of Harmony to try something else. Luna followed his eyesight and smirked at the memory of the swears her sister invented to scream at the hunk of crystal. She imagined that even more swears were invented after she’d been sent to the moon.
“May I ask you a question?” Discord asked sullenly. Luna blinked and twisted back to him. Discord had landed on the floor and stood up straight, muzzle curled into a frown.
He never looks serious unless it is truly serious. “If there is a concern with my sister, tell me,” Luna urged. “I do not know the Amulet of Ra, but—”
“Not that,” Discord waved his paw, “just…kinda related?”
Luna scowled. “Speak.”
“So, uh, you’re sure she’ll get it out of her system?” Discord asked. “Go back to being her normal, cake-loving self and let Twilight take power?”
“Yes,” Luna groaned, “for fuck’s sake, she’s wanted to retire for years. Sunset was a bust; I assume because she saw too much of herself in the filly. Even at her worst, she was a drinker, warrior, and lecher. Not a tyrant. There’s a reason why ponies loved her.”
“I’m sure I’m worrying about nothing,” Discord waved his paw.
“It would take Sombra coming back again, or some other villain,” Luna chortled. “That stung: defeated in a few days again. But Chrysalis is in the winds and Tirek is in Tartarus. She’ll settle down after a few roller coaster rides. I’ll suffer through them as she suffers through plays for me.” The alicorn looked to the window and her smile softened. "We are sisters, after all."
Discord began to sweat. “Right…”
Luna noticed the look and ceased smiling. Her eyes settled into a cold stare. “Discord?”
“Let’s say that hypothetically—”
“Discord.”
“Hypothetically, someone may have assembled a hypothetical Legion of Doom to give Twilight some confidence and three of Equestria’s greatest villains are going to attack her coronation.”
Luna waited for the joke.
Discord stared at her. “There is no joke. This is just a hypothetical scenario that has no bearing on reali—”
She flung the half-melted kitchen knife left on the table into Discord’s stomach. He wheezed and grabbed it with a yelp. When he pulled the knife free, candy corn spilled out of the wound.
“That still hurts!” The knife transformed into a bat pony plushie that he hurled back at Luna. The alicorn ducked and it impacted the chair with a squeak, falling to the floor.
She stood and knocked the chair back, eyes wide. The starry mane and tail roiled. “Discord, what did you do?”
“I just wanted to give Twilight some confidence,” he whined. “Don’t stab me for it.”
“Who did you get?” Luna stomped a hoof and snorted. “Are they out there right now?”
“No, no, they’re fine,” Discovered waved his arms. “Useless, really. They don’t get along. But if your sister is running around with that spear again…”
“The sight of that should deter them,” Luna snapped. “Our greatest threats are ancient if they still live.”
Discord wrung his beard in thought. “That…might work on two of them.”
Luna’s eyes widened in realization. “Shit. You idiot, you have any idea how many times Celestia has ‘suggested’ going to look for Chrysalis during our retirement? She’s never let that go, and now the Brood Queen has beaten her twice more!”
“Chrysalis never brought it up that much,” Discord commented.
“Half her holes are wounds that never healed,” Luna deadpanned. “Who’s the other? Tirek?”
“Yeah,” Discord winced. “Uh, Scorpan’s not around, right?”
“Nay,” Luna rubbed the base of her horn with a hoof. “The final one?”
“Uh, a foal.”
Luna looked up at him incredulously.
“Hey, you put her in Tartarus.” Discord folded his arms.
“Should’ve realized she was slipping when she demanded that,” Luna muttered. “Okay, you have a trio of Equestria’s—I hesitate to say ‘greatest’ because one of them is a foal—but villains nevertheless in some remote location?”
“This is a hypothetical scenario.”
“I will find more knives.”
“There’s a cave.”
Luna nodded slowly. The Elements will be too distracted by the news of the marriage and Celestia. “We deal with this ourselves before my sister finds out.”
Discord snapped his talons and Grogar the Dread Goat appeared in his place. He scuffed a hoof on the tile. “They…uh, expect Grogar.”
Luna gave him a severe look of disappointment. “Really? One of Celestia’s kills? Couldn’t have gone with Maredusa?”
“Grogar’s a guy,” the goat protested. “You mostly fought mares!”
“I defeated the mad Poultrymancer.”
The goat’s red eyes burned at her. “Do either of us really want to reopen that door?”
Both stopped and thought about it.
The alicorn shook her head and refocused. “Okay, we have the element of surprise. We’ll swing through Ponyville, make up some excuse about a plot by Chrysalis, then you take us to the cave before Celestia finds out.”
“Right, they, uh, never even managed to find my—I mean Grogar's bell, so they’re not that competent.”
“You sent them after—” Luna cut herself off. “Okay. Okay. We take care of this and I won’t tell Celestia your part in this. I’d be concerned about being outnumbered, but one’s a foal.”
“Chrysalis talks to a plank of wood,” Grogar provided.
“Trot really did a number on her,” Luna mumbled.
The goat nodded with confidence. His voice switched back to Discord. “This could be a comic: Two former villains, out to defeat the Legion of Doom before evil overtakes—”
“Do not test me,” Luna warned. “I’m not as out of shape as my sister.”
The midnight blue alicorn flexed her wings and tensed her lean muscles. Luna wasn’t sedentary; her unique connection in the Dreamscape often translated to an intense workout regiment combating nightmares. She allowed herself a smirk. “Let’s hit them hard and be back for dinner, Chaos Lord. My sister will probably need an extra cake.”
“How difficult could it be?” Grogar laughed. He stamped a hoof and the pair vanished in a flash of light.