//------------------------------// // 15. Pickle Berry Kumquat, Chimicherrychanga! // Story: The Witless // by Reviewfilly //------------------------------// The carriage was once again in Canterlot. Pinkie and Applejack were thrown wildly left and right as the cartponies continued to defy all laws, Equestrian or physical regardless, and forego any common sense when it came to driving. Suddenly the cart came to a halt and the two mares almost smashed into the front wall from the inertia. “Well, here we are!” Pinkie announced as she marched out of the vehicle, completely unfazed by the ride. Applejack followed a bit behind, her legs like jello and steps uncertain. Pinkie turned back and tipped her head to the side. “What’s wrong, Jackie?” she asked with baffled innocence. “J-just a bit of daze,” Applejack replied weakly, her cheeks puffing out before she forced everything back down again. Pinkie snorted. “Oh, psssht, you’ll get used to it. Come, come, we have an important pony to meet!” As soon as Pinkie finished speaking, she immediately turned and continued bouncing towards a nearby building. As usual, Applejack didn’t really notice anything out of ordinary about the place, except perhaps the fact that it seemed to be a bit taller than the other houses around it. A few others walked past, paying no heed to either Pinkie or her. Applejack couldn’t help but find it grimly ironic, how nopony else realised just who she was with. She stared at Pinkie’s back, both to stop her own eyes from spinning and in a vain attempt to make heads or tails of her. She really does seem like she wants Equestria to prosper, the thought struck Applejack as her lips pulled themselves into a tight frown. But at what cost? Below the crust of that cheerful bounce in her steps and her saccharine words, she clearly wasn’t above using ponies to further her own goals or throw them into prison left and right. For all it was worth, Pinkie was just as dangerous to Her Majesty’s subjects as the enemy she claimed to be fighting, if not even more so. To think ponies like her could hide in plain sight. The thought made Applejack frown even deeper, but what was there for her to do about it? She followed her inside. As soon as she got used to the dim lighting within, a grimy stone staircase revealed itself, which snaked up around the edges of the building as far as Applejack’s eyes could see. The chipped crimson safety rail spanning up the endless flights looked like it could snap from a firm gaze, so Applejack made sure to stick to side nearest the wall instead to avoid the possibility of falling down the gaping central shaft. While she slowly climbed, Pinkie was already waiting for her on the first turn, positively shaking from excitement. “Come on! Come on!” she yelled excitedly. Then, to Applejack’s complete shock, she cartwheeled right up the steps. Applejack ran after her, but it was impossible to keep pace with the pink menace. Pinkie abruptly came to a halt on a seemingly random floor and turned towards one of the doors on the landing. She casually trotted up to it and knocked. “Yeah, yeah, who is it?” a raspy voice yelled from inside. “It’s us!” Pinkie yelled back with a grin. “Oh,” the voice rose in sudden recognition. “Yeah, sure, come in!” The duo entered into an extremely messy office. The walls were hardly visible from the amount of posters plastered on them, all advertising either the old Wonderbolts or the new Shadowbolts. The floor was littered with boxes of half-eaten takeout and workout equipment, including dumbbells and jumping ropes. A small elevated platform was tucked away at the end of the room, its surface largely free from the mess around. At the other end of this chaos stood a small but just as disorganised desk with a blue pegasus sitting behind it, who rested her hindlegs on top of it. She nonchalantly rocked back and forth on her chair, whistling an inane tune. Applejack had to double take as she looked at her mane and tail. All the colors of the rainbow made themselves manifest on them both, giving the mare an absolutely extravagant look even when she was just lazing around. Upon noticing their arrival, her chair tumbled and she began to fall backwards, but before she could have hit her back, she gave herself a push with her wings and flew up in a wide loop, landing in front of them and striking a pose. “Sup, Pinkie,” she said with a wide grin. “So who’s this?” “Heya, Dashie, this is Applejack. She’s our witness,” Pinkie explained. She also produced a stack of papers from her mane, which she passed over to the mare. “And here’s her testimony.” The blue mare turned over to Applejack. “Heya, I’m Rainbow Dash, but you can just call me RD.” She gave Applejack a firm hoofshake. “Here’s what’s gonna happen: I’ll be your coach for the next few weeks, and by the end you won’t even recognise yourself you’ll be so good. Probably not as good as me—” she said with a satisfied smirk “—but still pretty good.” Rainbow cleared her throat and looked back to Pinkie. “'Kay, Pinkie, we best get going. What sorta character did you have in mind for her?” “Up to you, Dashie. I don’t want to influence your work,” she replied apologetically. Rainbow, however, wasn’t sold. “Seriously? No idea at all?” “Dashie, you’re much better at this than me.” Rainbow groaned a little and rolled her eyes, though she began to smile again. “Eh, fine. I guess it’s up to Rainbow ‘Awesome’ Dash, that’s R.A.D., to save the day.” She quickly flipped through the testimony. “Right… Right… Uh-huh… Huh… Fancy. Rarity really didn’t spare the frills.” Rainbow looked up. “How about we make some fancy-schmancy noblepony out of her? Her family was close to the throne, but she got disillusioned with the Solar rule and…” She took another look at Applejack. “Hmm, nah. Not her style. Plus it’s kinda uncool. How about keeping it simple?” she muttered to herself, loud enough to be heard clearly. Her hoof knocked against the floor a few times in frustration. Suddenly, her eyes went wide-open. “Oh yeah, I know! A simple filly of Equestria’s countryside! Curious, easy to surprise. Worked her entire life, no pointless theatrics or loose ends.” Pinkie’s head almost popped off from how enthusiastically she nodded. “Yes, yes, that’s exactly it! Dashie, you never disappoint.” “Thanks, Pinkie.” Rainbow flashed her a cocky smile, then they both turned back to Applejack. “Okay, star witness, let’s hear something from you.” “Uhm, what exactly?” Applejack asked, her stomach suddenly tying itself into a knot. She had never known she had stage fright, but then she’d also never had to get on a stage before either. “Dunno, anything! Just make it cool!” “Ooh, I know!” Pinkie chimed in. “Say this very fast ‘Pickle berry kumquat, chimicherrychanga!’” She words slipped out of her flawlessly, without the slightest hint of effort. "See, that’s cool!" Rainbow nodded in approval. “Now your turn!” “W-what?” Applejack was still at the “pickle” part. “Pickle berry kumquat, chimicherrychanga!” Pinkie repeated, just as easily. “Pickle berry- Uh, pickle berry, what now?” Applejack furrowed her brows, but the words scrambled around her mind like a flock of unruly cows and she had no hope of wrangling them in. The other two looked at each other with slight concern in their eyes. Rainbow sighed. “This is gonna take some time, isn’t it?” she asked, already knowing the answer. Pinkie put her hooves together begging. “That’s why I’m asking you to do this, Rainbow. I wouldn’t trust any other pony to prepare her for the trial as you could.” The addressed mare visibly glowed from the praise. “You know what, Pinkie? You’re right. I won’t leave you hanging, this is going to be a great challenge. Just the thing for me!” She hoofbumped into the air. “Let’s get this pony into shape!” “What’s wrong?” asked Applejack. “I’ve read the testimony an’ I don’t remember any words bein’ as difficult as these.” “Nah, but if you can’t remember four words, what hope do you have to learn five pages?” Rainbow asked with a roll of her eyes. “Okay, let’s begin with the basics. Say this: Prancing pretty ponies.” “Uhm, prancing pretty ponies.” Alright, she could at least remember the words this time, surely this couldn’t be that bad. Her small triumph, however, was short lived. “Faster!” Rainbow said loudly. “Phrancing phretty phonies.” “Faster!” came even louder. “Phrancing fretty phonies!” “Come on! Even faster!” Rainbow was practically yelling. Applejack closed her eyes as she put all her concentration into saying the sentence. “Francing fretty fronies!” she sputtered. Rainbow looked at Pinkie then back to Applejack. “You either have the strongest accent I’ve ever heard or you have a lisp.” She pouted. “Both are totally uncool.” “I have a what now?” came the dumbfounded question. “It means you can’t say some letters properly,” Pinkie interjected helpfully. “I’ve never heard that from anypony before.” Applejack’s tone was tinted with a hint of offence. “Well now you have!” Rainbow crossed her forelegs, holding herself up with her wings. “An’ is that such a big issue?” Rainbow paced up and down a few times. “Well, we’ll just have to live with it.” She sighed. “Okay, right, whatever, we’ll make it work.” She turned back to Applejack. “You understand your role at least, right? You’re a simple worker, perhaps a single foal, and you’ve been miserable all your life.” “I ain’t a single foal an’ I ain’t miserable,” Applejack replied with an indignant huff. Her ear flicked in annoyance. “I have a very lovin’ family.” Rainbow facehoofed. “Ugh, look, it doesn’t matter! It’s a role, just pick something! The point is you have to sell that you’re somepony easily impressed and that you’ve been loyal to a pony your whole life, only for them to turn out to be full of it. Got it? Go up to the stage and start reading.” Applejack trotted to the end of the room and climbed the short ramp. She then took the first page into her slightly shaking hooves and began reading. “It was about fifteen years ago that I first became the acquaintance of Twilight Sparkle.” There wasn’t even a hint of acting in her voice. She read with the same enthusiasm as one would a tome of law. “A mutual friend introduced her as an illegal Lunar, who needed a hidin’ place for herself an’ her followers—” “Totally uncool!” Rainbow interrupted her droning monologue. “I didn’t mean you should speak like you’re reading. Go on, but with a bit of—” she twirled around her hoof, looking for the word “—fire.” “Yeah, Jackie, stick it to the mare!” Pinkie yelled in from behind. Applejack furrowed her brows. “At the time I had no idea that in reality she was an agent of the Sun Tyrant herself an’ a mole sent to undermine the Night Princess.” “Stop,” Rainbow interjected, with a flap of her wings. “Here you should be fuming. Like, you know, strike a pose, be real cool! Come on, one more time and without the paper.” “At the time I had no idea…” Applejack blinked a few times. “At the time I had no idea… Uhh… What exactly did I have no idea about?” she asked, scratching her head. There was a beat of silence in the room. “Pinkie, I take it back. Training her like this isn’t a challenge, it’s a race with both your wings tied.” Rainbow’s scratchy voice was filled with despair. “We have to do something with her before I can work my magic.” “Yeah, I guess you’re right, Dashie.” Pinkie nodded solemnly. She took her chin into a hoof, thinking for a few seconds. “Hmm. Yeah, it’s time to visit the doctor, Jackie.” The trio left the office. While Pinkie and Applejack began to trot down, Rainbow dramatically threw herself from the staircase railing, which groaned from the sudden weight. She shot down through the shaft, her wings flaring open at the last possible moment and stopping herself from smashing into the ground floor. Applejack watched with with her mouth hanging open, while Pinkie clapped eagerly at the spectacle. Once again they found themselves on the street. Pinkie’s carriage seemed to have left in the meantime, but she didn’t at all appear surprised about the fact. They began to make their way through the street. Applejack didn’t really have anything to say to the others, so she occupied herself with looking around in the meantime. A faded poster on a nearby wall caught her attention. Though its underside was tattered by the merciless march of time, Applejack could still make out the fierce batpony glaring back at her on it. The mare pointed an accusatory hoof towards the viewer with her fangs bared, while she brandished a fearsome halberd in her other hoof. In large calligraphic letters standing imposingly next to the figure was a worrying threat: You, In the shadows lurking, Horseapples seeding, Counter-revolutionary, Beware! Applejack shuddered a little at the sight. She was no counter-revolutionary and the only apples she seeded were proper and honest ones, and yet all this mess began because of the visit from the Night Guard. She sighed quietly. “Something the matter?” Pinkie asked, shaking Applejack from her reminiscing. “N-no, Miss Pie,” Applejack stammered. “Just got a bit lost in some thoughts. Let’s go.” They continued in silence until they came to a halt at another nondescript door of a far smaller building. It appeared to be a singular home. A small red cross was painted on its front wall, with a paw-print in white in the middle. This time Pinkie knocked much more quietly. “I-it’s open! C-come in!” an extremely timid voice called from inside. “Just be careful when you enter!” As soon as the door was opened, the sounds of animal cries filled the street. Applejack flinched from the noise and closed her eyes while she trotted inside. “Okay, everyone, please listen. Be on your best behavior, we’re having guests.” The words were hardly audible through the various calls and screeches, but despite this, suddenly the room went silent. Applejack opened her eyes and her heart almost stopped. She found herself in a small white-tiled clinic, which was absolutely chock-full of animals. Herbivores and carnivores intermingled, snakes hung from the furniture, rats and mice scurried between their hooves. Birds perched on the cabinets surrounding the walls. In the corner of the room a cow was lazily munching on some grass, as it lounged on a rough blanket. Surrounded by her veritable little zoo, a butter-hued pegasus smiled sheepishly at the newly arrived. “Hi, Pinkie, hi Dash,” she greeted them, before turning to Applejack. She tipped her head to the side and shifted back a little. “Um. Hello…? I don’t think I know you.” “Heya, Flutters,” Pinkie greeted her. “I brought a friend along for a quick exam, I hope you’re not too busy. You know, she is a witness,” she said with a conspiring smile, tapping the testimony in her hooves. “Oh, no. For you, Pinkie, I’m always available,” Fluttershy said with a small smile, placing down a mouse she’d been cradling in her hooves until now and taking the papers from Pinkie. “Okay, everyone, please give us some space. If you don’t mind, that is,” she gently addressed the animals, who slowly crawled, walked, or slithered out of sight, giving way for Applejack to move closer. “Howdy, I’m Applejack,” she introduced herself, holding out a hoof. The pegasus shuddered from the sudden movement, before she extremely lightly shook it. “I’m… um… It is nice to meet you, Applejack. I’m Dr. Shy, b-but I guess if you’re Pinkie’s friend, you can call me Fluttershy.” She fidgeted for a second before pointing at a metal table behind herself. “Please take a seat t-there.” Applejack sat on the cold surface and shivered. “Um, I feel like you should know, I-I’m not a medical doctor.” Fluttershy bashfully clacked her hooves together. “I’m really more of a veterinarian. As you may have guessed already.” She softly coughed. “But, um, ponies and animals aren’t that different, so I-I’ll do my best!” she added in a hurry with an awkward smile. Thus began the long procedure. Fluttershy inspected all of Applejack’s hooves, her mane, looked at her scar, looked into her ears, listened to her heartbeat, and even made her stick out her tongue. “In terms of physical health, I really can’t find any issues,” she told Pinkie. “Except for that nasty little scar, but sadly it’s far too old for me to do anything with it.” “That’s alright, Flutters! It’ll help sell the character anyways,” Pinkie beamed. “Thank you so much for your work!” Fluttershy accepted the praise with a small smile and nod. “Now test her memory,” Rainbow interjected, snickering into her hoof. Fluttershy tipped her head to the side in surprise. “Um, a-alright, if you want me to.” She turned back to Applejack. “Please repeat after me: Peas, unicorn, paperclip, chestnut, apple tree… It’s not too many, I hope. Your turn.” Applejack slowly blinked. “Uhh, apple tree,” she finally said. Fluttershy smiled. “From the beginning, please,” she asked in a soft voice. “Apple tree.” “That’s… all you remember?” Her smile wavered a little. Applejack scratched her scar and blinked again. “Afraid so.” Fluttershy sighed and raised a hoof to her temple, massaging it for a second. “It’s okay,” she said sweetly, with a giant measure of patience. She turned towards the others. “I understand the issue now.” Her tone became surprisingly firm. “Pinkie, Rainbow, please leave her to me. I know what to do.” “Hah, if ya say so.” Rainbow stretched her sore limbs and began trotting out. “Just call us once you’ve done your thing.” “Yup, see you soon Flutters, Jackie! Good luck, you two! Bye-bye!” Pinkie waved enthusiastically, before leaving herself. Fluttershy placed a blanket on the table. “Please lie down here.” Applejack climbed up and laid herself down. The pegasus gave her another blanket and a pillow. “Okay, um, can you fall asleep by yourself? Or should I… um… sing you a little song? That usually works for my bunnies,” she whispered, turning tulip red. “Naw, thanks, I’ll manage.” Applejack placed her head on the pillow and turned to her side. Meanwhile Fluttershy took the testimony into her hooves. “Ahem,” she cleared her throat lightly. “It was about fifteen years ago that I first became the acquaintance of Twilight Sparkle. A mutual friend…” she read slowly and softly, stressing every syllable. Before she could continue, Applejack’s loud snoring filled the quiet of the room. Fluttershy’s animals looked at the pony, but she could only shrug. She began again, almost imperceptibly louder, “It was about fifteen years ago…” Time passed and Applejack improved at an exceptional pace. By the end of the third week she spent cooped up in Rainbow’s dingy little flat, she could recount her entire testimony from memory and even her country accent was reined in a little. Both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash felt satisfied with her progress to such an extent that they decided to allow her to go home for a day before the trial to get her into as good spirits as possible before she were to bedazzle the audience. It was late at night when the carriage finally arrived to the edge of Ponyville and dropped her off. Applejack felt dazed from the constant drills and speaking exercises she had gone through the past few weeks. Looking into her eyes, it was clear that though the light was still on, there was nopony home. Her hooves had gotten used to the stone floors of Canterlot, so as she stepped on grass once more, the experience felt more alien than welcoming. She hardly even noticed, as she absentmindedly trotted into the Acres, that her siblings were still outside and still tending to the trees. It was Winona’s excited barks that first shook her a little from her stupor, though she dozed right back afterwards. She passed the dog, who whined a little upon not even receiving a pat on the head for her troubles. Hearing the commotion, Apple Bloom poked her head out of the orchard and upon noticing who’d arrived she left her work behind and ran out. “Sis! Ah’m so happy to see you!” she greeted Applejack. “Look we tried real hard, but we really need your help.” Applejack didn’t hear her. “It was about fifteen years ago…” she muttered under her breath. “That I first became the acquaintance of Twilight Sparkle… A mutual friend introduced her as an illegal Lunar…” She trotted past her little sister, who stared at her completely dumbfounded. “Wha’? Uh, Applejack?” she asked, but the mare just continued to amble forward. “Y’alright? It’s me, Apple Bloom.” “Pickle berry kumquat,” Applejack droned. “Chimicherrychanga. Pickle berry kumquat… Prancing Pretty Ponies…” As she walked, she almost bumped into Big Mac, who in the meantime had noticed Apple Bloom’s absence. “Applejack! Did they let you go finally? The trees are still sick,” he said, relief mixing with worry in his voice. “We need more blankets and a lot of water, can you help us out?” Applejack stared at him like the two had never met before. “Yeah, that makes sense. The intercreatural situation is intensifying after all,” she mumbled, her eyes staring somewhere into the distance. “What?” he balked. “Life isn’t marzipan cake,” Applejack noted just as flatly. “Cake?! What are you even talking about?” he hissed. His face flushed to a darker shade of red. “The trees are sick!” “Trees? What trees?” Those unseeing eyes turned towards him. “Your apple trees!” Unlike ever, Big Mac raised his voice and his usually stoic face twisted into a dark scowl. Applejack blinked a few times and looked around. “Huh,” she muttered. “Something really isn’t okay around here.” Just as the words left her mouth, she promptly fell unconscious and collapsed in place.