As expected, it isn't more than a few moments before Tree Twilight catches up to me, a vaguely confused look on her face.
"M-Mister Powell, perhaps you didn't hear me."
"Wow, a ding on my cognitive abilities and hearing all in one sentence. That puts a damper on our relationship."
"No, I didn't..." Tree Twilight frowns and scrunches her face. "Mister Powell, I am the Tree of Harmony. I affect the very walls of this wonderful institution. I heard your willingness to be Equestria's protector!"
"Gee, who would have thought that a magical harmony tree would have a hard time understanding the sarcasm of a guy who had just almost decapitated one of his daughter's old high school teachers because she wanted to take over the world." I roll my eyes. "Maybe we should start talking about your understanding of things."
"Mister Powell, declarations of that nature are not things to be taken lightly," Tree Twilight insists. "Besides, it's always been your destiny!"
"Don't care. Will not care. Will never care. Go away."
I reach the doors to the main hall and walk in. Everybody is just kind of milling about, not really sure of what exactly to do and say. Someone has had the foresight to cover Cozy Glow under several layers of tablecloths to hide the obscene amount of blood, which is probably for the best. I can't begin to imagine the cost of the Crown hiring every single therapist in Equestria to help the people who witnessed our little scuffle.
The alicorns are all having a hushed conversation with each other. Given Twilight's red eyes and the fact that she's sniffling, I can imagine that the only reason she hasn't broken down entirely is that she's trying to save face for everyone. It wouldn't do to have a princess lose control like that. She'd surely break down later. Twilight must have noticed me walk in, because she looks over to me. Her mouth opens as though she's about to say something, but her words die in her throat when she sees the sparkly tree version of herself. I point at Celestia and then Tree Twilight.
"Celestia, or whichever one of you wants to do it, make this thing go away."
Celestia flinches in surprise at the sight. "Uh... this is... unexpected."
"Oh, oh you don't know the half of it!" I growl as I stand next to my family. "This stupid thing that tells me that it's my destiny to ascend and be an alicorn and protect Equestria and all of that nonsense."
The entire room is dead silent for a few brief moments before everybody speaks at once.
"SERIOUSLY?!"
"Him?!" Twilight cries, pointing at me. "It's his destiny?"
Tree Twilight smiles as though happy that somebody has finally understood her. "Yes. He's done wonderful things."
"So..." Celestia begins, staring at Tree Twilight. "So... him." She points to me. "TD Powell."
Tree Twilight's smile turns brittle. "Yes, yes, I'm not sure how else to get this across."
"TD Powell. TD Harrison Powell. That man standing right there. The one I accidentally brought into Equestria."
"Yes! Him! Why does nopony understand that?!"
The room is silent again for a brief moment as everybody chews on this, but it's broken quickly by the last sound I want to hear right now.
"Hee. Hee hee. Hee hee hee!"
I narrow my eyes in a glare. "Discord, not the time."
Discord has his mouth behind his paw, but that doesn't stop any of his giggling. "Hee hee. Oh... hee hee oh do excuse me, Your Highness. I..." He continues giggling as Fluttershy glares up at him.
"I do understand," Celestia says slowly. "However, what I don't understand is him, TD Harrison Powell, being destined to become an immortal battle alicorn--"
"Dibs on the band name," Rainbow whispers to Pinkie, who giggles in response.
"It's really quite simple!" Tree Twilight says. "I mean, think about it. Why would your portal have show up there and then of all places? It's because of destiny! Then think about everybody he's triumphed over! Purgle would have raised an army against Equestria, Chrysalis would have continued to make the lives of ponies everywhere dangerous, his actions helped reform Discord, Tirek would have drained everypony in Equestria if not for him, the griffin guard he killed that one time was secretly a dangerous assassin-for-hire who would have taken jobs in Equestria, and now there's the whole thing with Cozy Glow here!" She grins and spreads her wings wide. "It all works!"
"Look, I don't think-- Discord shut up!" Naturally my words have no effect, as he's draped over a chair laughing so hard that tears of gumdrops are coming out of his eyes. He slaps the back of the chair in glee, causing it to change colors with each slap.
"S-sorry!" he crows, wiping a few gumdrops away. "But this is the greatest thing I've ever heard!" Aaand then he resumes his laughter.
"Discord, I'm warning you..." I growl through gritted teeth.
"Oh, do forgive me, Your Highness!" he cries, his body shaking with held in laughter. "I'll be a better subject for you, I promise!"
With that, he snaps his talon and vanishes. No good can come from any of this. I sigh and turn back to Tree Twilight.
"Look, I appreciate the fact that you appreciate that I succeeded in making it out of several situations I didn't want to be in alive, but I'm not interested in spending the rest of my life dealing with that," I say. "I'm pushing fifty, and I have a family."
"But your family would be royalty as well!" Tree Twilight says happily. "Mrs. Powell, you could be in charge of Equestria's school policies! You could use your decades of experience as a teacher to make sweeping reforms that advance education in Equestria! Wouldn't that be wonderful?"
Cheerilee glances at me, then looks back to the tree. "Um... I mean, I guess so, but I kind of like it where I am right now."
Tree Twilight's eye twitches for half a second, then she turns her attention to Comet.
"Comet. Think of the story! You, an unwanted orphan shunned by your peers, now a princess! You could have any medical job that you wanted with the best education on the planet!"
Comet gives her a flat look. "Okay, first, fuck you for that orphan comment. Secondly, I'm happy where I am, too. Canterlot U is a pretty great school, and I have an awesome coltfriend, so I'm not giving that up."
"As a princess it would certainly be well within your rights to take a royal consort," Tree Twilight says with a light laugh.
Comet growls and facehoofs as Blizzard yet again blushes so badly that his head has taken the color of Big Mac's. In the background I think I hear Discord howling in laughter.
"Alright, I've had enough of all of this," I say, stepping between Tree Twilight and my family. "We all understand what you're saying. All of us. The issue isn't lack of understanding about the idea in principle, it's just the shock that I of all people have been caught up in the middle of all of this. I've had my life shaken up too much to want to even consider taking the job." I flick my hand at her. "So go away."
Tree Twilight's eyes narrow, and she takes a step forward. "I don't think you totally understand the nature of destiny. From the moment you were born, with your human mother holding you wrapped in that baby blanket, it has been your destiny to rule Equestria as its protector!"
"It's been my destiny from the second I was born to have a roommate who liked this little girl's show that I didn't care for too much, then get sucked into that world for no real reason, and don't say destiny, I'm tired of that word, then travel the world fighting people on the way, come back to Equestria, marry a pony, fight more evil, then become an alicorn who fights and fights and kills forever."
Tree Twilight shrugs. "If that's the way you want to put it, I guess."
"Nope." I violently shake my head. "Nope nope nope. You can't call it my destiny when I'm not going to take it. What, are you going to force me to be an alicorn?"
Tree Twilight narrows her eyes further. "If that's what it takes, then yes."
I scoff. "Well then, I know what your destiny is going to be." I mirror her step with one of my own. "The second I find myself in a pony's body, I am going to find an axe and chop you into sparkly firewood. If the axe is taking too long, I know where I can rent a chainsaw. I will spend every waking moment trying to destroy you. You will literally have to kill me to stop me. If you do that, then I was never destined to rule Equestria forever then, was I?"
"I..." Tree Twilight tightens her jaw. "Mr. Powell, there's no need for threats of violence. You'd get used to it!"
"Threats and promises are completely different things," I shoot back. "Besides, do you think that I want to outlive my family to the point where they are vague memories? My wife? My daughter?"
"Well they would have descendants, Mr. Powell," Tree Twilight says. "Besides, Oswald would always be there."
"Fuck you," I growl, "Just drop it. If you drop it, we can go our separate ways and never have to think about any of this ever again."
"I understand that this is will be a difficult transition, Mr. Powell, but this must be done." Tree Twilight's horn lit, and a shimmering bubble of magic appeared around us. A beam of white magic appears on the floor, swirling and crackling. "For Equestria."
"And how much will it hurt Equestria if the Tree of Harmony is kindling?!" I roar. "Besides, you're the Tree of Harmony, right?" I pick up the leg of a destroyed chair and twirl it in my hand. If I have to go down, I'll go down swinging, pointless or not. "How harmonious would it be to torture me, to force me into a role that I have no desire to take? I have lost so much over the last thirty years, and now you're taking the last trace of my old life: my humanity." I scoff and walk up to the magic. "Well, go on, then. Turn me into an alicorn whose sole purpose is war and destruction. Forge me into nothing more than a weapon who is dead inside from everything he has to do and everything he's lost." I point the broken chair leg directly at her, gripping onto it so tightly that the wood starts creaking.
"Assure our mutual destruction. Bring harmony."
Tree Twilight stares at me, unblinking. The magic isn't expanding, so maybe I've actually gotten through to her. If I haven't, well... nothing will be the same... again.
Finally after a full minute, Tree Twilight lets out a quiet groan, and the magic around us winks out. I release a breath that I didn't know I was holding in and drop the chair leg. "Thanks," I growl.
"Maybe you're not ready yet," Tree Twilight mutters. "If you change your mind..."
"I won't."
With that, I turn around and usher my family out, walking past the crowd of doubtlessly traumatized, horrified and confused creatures who move aside to make way for us. We don't say anything as we exit the school and head back to Manderley. Inwardly, I'm still fuming. Between Cozy Glow and the Tree, I'm not really in anything close to a good mood.
Of all ponies, it's Blizzard who breaks the silence.
"Comet, honey, you know that I love you and would do anything for you," he begins. I glance back to see Comet giving him the "my hero" eyes. He certainly did score a ton of points when he showed he was willing to protect Comet from Cozy. He quietly scoffs and shakes his head. "Having said all of that... when I started dating you, I had no idea what the fuck I was getting into."
"Same," Cheerilee and Comet say at in unison.
"Yeah, you think that when I was adopted by these two that I'd be in the middle of stuff like being captured by the changeling queen?" Comet says. "No way. Wouldn't have it any other way, though." She raises her eyebrow and gives Blizzard a sly look. "Though I suppose that I missed the opportunity to have a royal consort."
"Yeah, and I suppose that I should have expected that I wouldn't have a totally quiet life, this is Ponyville after all, but it has been overly exciting," Cheerilee chimes in as Blizzard rolls his eyes.
I quietly chuckle to myself as we reach the front door to our house. Just as I'm about to turn the knob, Oswald of all creatures flies up and perches on my shoulder. I smile and scratch his head feathers. "Hey, buddy. You have a good regen?"
Oswald squawks and nods, resting his head on my scalp.
"Yeah, well, we've had a pretty interesting go of it," I say. "Right now I think we all just want to relax and--"
The second I open the door I'm magically pulled into my house. I cry out as white light flashes over me, and when it fades, I see that I'm holding a scepter with my head on it. A royal cape and oversized crown appear on me as well. To my horror, the entire entryway is filled with color shifting balloons, streamers made of purple tinsel of all things, enough tiny confetti water balloons to drown Pinkie in, and a giant banner made of slightly crinkled tape with the words "WELCKOME HOUME, YOU'RE HIGHNESS!!!@#*!(!!!" scrawled on it in bright pink icing.
Before I can register much more than that, Discord pops out of one of the 's'es on the banner and slithers over to me. "Come in, come in, Your Highness!" he squees, wrapping both arms around me and pulling me in for a crushing hug. "I apologize if this is not up to your standards, but I've never planned a coronation before except for mine, and that didn't work out! Do you like it?"
Well, that did it.
I grind my teeth together and pull out of Discord's grasp. I turn to Comet with barely contained rage. "Comet... go get Fluttershy. See if she can get here in time. I'm not happy."
Discord clicked his tongue as Comet and Blizzard both flew out the door. "Come now, Your Highness. I told you I've never done this before. What can I change?"
I didn't respond. I just took the scepter and let Discord know exactly how "not happy" I was.