Sat in his office Anon, owner of Seven D Mining Co (according to the sign he put at the cave entrance) was in a particularly foul mood. After his little “gift” to the couples of Canterlot there had been several lawsuits thrown his way. Unexpected pregnancies (not Anon’s foals), public humiliation cases and far more papers with court dates piled up on his desk.
Agitatedly taking a sip of his coffee Anon looked to his only literate employee Maud Pie “any idea how much this would set us back?” Anon asked. Sat in a pile of rocks she “rescued” she turned her head to face him. “We’d go bankrupt,” she explained.
“What!? But we’re making so many bits! I even exploit my workers by giving them well below the minimum wage. Why do we have so little money?” Anon half ranted at his financial woes.
“We don’t, it’s just that all these lawsuits add up to several tens of millions of bits. It would drain all our reserves paying them off” Maud explained.
Picking up the stack of paper Anon dropped it into the recycling bin next to his desk “there I fixed it” Anon stated “that won’t work” Maud said “oh yes it will, I’ll just say I never got the letters, apologise for missing the court meeting and simply request a reschedule. Rinse and repeat, it’s the circle of life” Anon explained.
“Anon” Maud asked with her usual monotone voice “yes?” He asked “when you go to prison can I have the mine?” She asked.
The work day dragged on Anon kept an eye on the clock. Once it hit 12, lunch break came, “I’m going to Sugarcube Corner, do you want anything?” Anon asked “we’re fine” Maud said, Boulder sat on her desk.
Entering Sugarcube Corner Anon’s head jolted downwards as a sudden weight fell onto his neck. Looking behind his head Anon saw a small yellow foal sat on his neck, a clump of his hair in his mouth.
“Chocolate! Anon isn’t a toy” Cup Cake said, taking her foal off of Anon. Smiling at the mother/daughter duo “evening Cup, how’s tricks?” Anon asked.
Letting out a sigh Cup tried to keep her smile up “things have been getting a little slow, moneys gotten tight but we’ll manage” Cup Cake explained.
Taking a seat Anon ordered his usual double glazed donut and milkshake. The bakery seemed emptier than usual. There were still one or two customers but the numbers had dropped dramatically.
While they wouldn’t admit it, Anon could tell the Cake’s were worried about their future. They had three kids and a business to look after.
Thinking over how he could help Anon for an idea “hey Cup” he said getting the mare’s attention.
“Yes hun?” She asked “I have an order to put actually. I know a guy who runs an industrial project and he’s been thinking of improving employee morale with some snacks. Any chance you can manage, say, a hundred donuts a day?” I asked.
Watching her her go wide Cup Cake pressed her hoof against her neck like she was checking her pulse.
“Anon, that's a lot of donuts. If you’re just trying to help you don’t have to, we’ll be fine honestly” Cup said “I’m serious, between you and me things at my ‘friend’s’ workplace haven’t been going so smoothly. Up to his neck in paperwork and stuff, I’m pretty sure half those donuts are for him” Anon said, crafting a lie so intricate you’d have to be a genius to see through it.
Or just have good enough vision to see the ocean of sweat going down his neck.
“Well, I’m sure we can manage it. But it’s 300 bits a day, are you sure your “friend” can afford that?” She asked.
“Trust me, he’s got the cash to spare,” Anon stated.
After spending some time at the Corner Anon continued on his walk. There were a few shops that were closed early.
It was weird to Anon. Well weird even by the standards of this land of rainbow horses.
With the atmosphere being uncharacteristically sad for the town, Anon decided to just go home to grab some stuff before heading back to work.
Gathering some extra ink and paper from his study Anon got ready to leave before something stopped him.
It was distant but he could hear something coming from the upstairs bathroom.
Cautiously approaching the door Anon, using all the shock and awe of the US military he kicked the door wide open. Ready to lay down some flank whooping on whoever thought breaking and entering in HIS house was a good idea.
Unfortunately (claps hands together) that didn’t happen.
“Luna, why are you in my bathtub?” Anon asked.
Comfortably laid down in the tub Luna looked back at him with wide eyes.
“Um, well. You see, there was a minor incident in Canterlot and we decided your council might be helpful. But you weren’t here so we decided to have a relaxing soak despite this tiny bath” she explained lifting her soaked wings out the bath “that bath can fit two ponies. Fuck whatever, what incident are you talking about?” Anon asked.
Bashfully Luna tried to avoid eye contact with Anon, the usually proud and boastful princess of the night looking like a school filly who’s in trouble.
“We, may have caused a TINY recession”
Blinking for a second Anon calmly and understandingly responded.
“How the fuck did you cause a recession!?” Anon asked angrily the blushing Luna “we thought it was a good idea” she defended “WHAT was a good idea?” Anon asked contemplating regicide “we receive a letter from a Zebrican Prince” Luna began.
“Ok I see where this is going” Anon said, resisting the urge to hoof palm.
“He said he had been exiled from his kingdom, but he was still incredibly wealthy. All he required was some bits to pay for a servant to transport his wealth out of his former lands. He also said he would double the number and pay me back in thanks” Luna explained.
“And the bits never materialised” Anon guessed “how did thou know?” Luna asked in shock, Anon having guessed exactly right.
“How much did you send him?” Anon groaned “five hundred…” Luna started hesitantly “ok that’s not so bad-“ Anon responded optimistically “million” she finished.
With the force of all the Elements put together Anon’s jaw shattered the marble floor he stood upon “five hundred million bits!? That’s a thousand times what I make in a year from my- books. From my books. Where the fuck did you get half a billion bits!?” Anon ranted.
“The Equestrian national budget,” Luna said.
“The WHAT!?”
“We thought it would increase the prosperity of our subjects! But when we realised we had been how you say, dooped. We panicked and doubled the tax rates for import and exporting goods to remake the lost money. But now the shipping businesses are going under and our subjects are losing their jobs! When Tia gets back from her trade negotiations with Saddle Arabia she is going to send me back to the moon!” Luna panicked “why the hell did you bring me here then!?” Anon asked “you know more about avoiding the consequences of thy actions then anypony else in Equestria. We need you to save us!” Luna explained, grabbing Anon’s shoulders and shaking him erratically.
“Ok just stop shaking me!” Anon agreed.
Releasing Anon from her iron grip Luna took a step back. Regaining his footing Anon shook his head.
“Luckily for you my home planet can’t go ten years without causing a recession”
Thinking on how to solve this astronomical problem Anon went to his study. Taking a seat behind his desk. Using a quill he scribbled down some notes and handed them to Luna.
“Start implementing these policies and get me a meeting with the heads of every major company based out of Canterlot. I might have a way to boost the economy but I’ll need them on the same page” Anon stated.
“Sir Anon, where are we going to get the money for this infrastructure project? All the Royal Treasury has gone to the Zebrican Prince” Luna explained “you’re the government print more” Anon stated “but we do not have enough gold reserved” Luna said “ok just make a slightly smaller coin that looks like a bit made from cheap metals like tin or copper then cover it in a layer of gold” Anon explained.
“But then it will not be a true bit”
“Yes but it’ll have gold covering it so who’s going to be able to tell? As long as no one can peel the gold off they won’t care one bit”
Nodding Luna used her magic to dry herself off “thank you Anon, we shall be leaving for Canterlot immediately.
“Your welcome Luna, see you later” Anon bid her goodbye “later? No Anon, you’re coming with me” she explained.
“Wait wha-“ Anon tried to say before the two were teleported to Canterlot castle.
The castle came alive with activity. Bureaucrats and administrators rushed about, mountains of papers and forms blocked out the Sun for certain rooms and Princess Luna had moved on from her standard brew to Pinkie strength coffee beans.
“How’s everything coming along?” I asked the caffeinated princess “we have followed your instructions to the letter, we are meeting later with several higher up business ponies to discuss these “joint-stock companies” you described to us” Luna explained.
“Good, any on the bit front?”
“We have ordered the production of one billion counterfeit bits. The additional five hundred million will be split between nationwide improvements in transport and other infrastructure and funding joint-stock companies”
“The state owning a sizable share in multiple profitable companies should help you recuperate the lost bits over a period of time. Using cheaper metals to make more bits will hopefully be a one time thing”
Mentioning the lost bits Anon could see Luna’s mug start to crack in her telecentric grip “sorry L, didn’t mean to upset you” Anon apologised.
“There is no need to apologise Anon, our wrath is not intended for you” she explained, using a friendly voice as she gave him a light smile “oh cool” Anon said with a chuckle “cool indeed, it is intended for the worm who conned us. That is why the night guard has been reorganised into a death squad to hunt down and exterminate the fool at any cost” Luna explained.
Stopping in his tracks Anon watched as Luna continued to walk for a few seconds before he realised he had stopped.
“Anon? What appears to be the matter?” She asked almost innocently “Luna, you dispatched a death squad. Explain to me how that doesn’t raise any red flags?” Anon asked.
“Red. Flags? Sir Anon our banner is blue” Luna said completely missing the point of his question “Luna you have something called a death squad sent after some rando with low morals. Next thing you’ll be telling me they have skulls on their caps” Anon explained.
A moment of silence passed between the two before it was broken.
“They have skulls on their caps don’t they?” Anon asked.
“We can neither confirm nor deny that” Luna responded.
“Princess” a thestral night guard called out, landing between the two and kneeling before his princess. His skull shaped helmet shining in the moonlight.
“We’ve found the traitor,” he explained. Puffing her chest out in pride Luna smiled victoriously at the news.
“Good, now, present us with the severed head so we may place it above our throne as a warning to any other tricksters who would challenge our great intellect” Luna ordered, holding out her front hoof.
Swallowing his breath the guard looked up at her “we… haven’t killed him” he explained.
Those words caused Luna’s eye to twitch slightly “what? What was the point of calling you a death squad if Canterlot is not running red with the blood of my enemy!” She stated, her fury growing by the second.
“I-I think it’s easier to show you than explain” he said.
The three of them took flight in the night. Soaring for several miles south. Just as Luna was becoming impatient she noticed something on the ground below her.
A giant tower of bits shining in the night, all of them seeming to be clustered around a house on the edge of a small town.
Approaching the house Anon could see dozens of night guards trying to fill sacks with bits, the sheer volume being too much and making the sacks rip apart.
“Ok Luna, now promise me you won’t do anything rash” Anon stated, sounding awfully stern towards the moon goddess.
“We promise not to overreact,” Luna said, rolling her eyes.
Knocking on the door Anon waited a second before getting a response “hello? Who’s there?” A feminine voice called out from the other side.
“Your doom!” Luna called out in the royal Canterlot voice.
Opening the door a pink unicorn mare stood, first confused then shocked at the sight of Luna standing over her.
Collapsing to her knees she bowed before the princess of the night “I am SO sorry about my Blue Bell’s actions. Please show mercy on him, your highness!” She begged. Whoever this Blue Bell was, she was clearly very concerned for his safety.
“We have come for vengeance citizen! No pony can be simply forgiven after slighting a princess and threatening the stability of the kingdom! Bright forth this Blue Bell so he may face justi-“
“Mom?” A small voice called out from inside the home cutting Luna off.
Peering inside Luna’s jaw almost dropped. Stood at the foot of the stairs was a tiny, itty bitty, widdle blue unicorn colt with a pair of bells as a cutie mark.
“Mom, what's going on?” His tiny voice said as he shook in place.
“Wha- what is-“ Luna almost stuttered as her mind tried to make sense of this.
“Luna, I think that’s your Zebrican Prince,” Anon explained.
You’d be mistaken for thinking Luna had a fever, with her face going bright red with embarrassment.
“You- that- I” she spat out, truly being lost for words “so we’ve learnt two things from this adventure. One, you got tricked by a colt, two, you sent a death squad to assassinate a colt” Anon cleared things up.
“He’s a child! Please don’t hurt him your highness! Take me instead, just don’t take my baby!” The mother begged again, her eyes filling with tears.
“Wow wow wow, no one’s taking anyone. Everything here is just one giant misunderstanding” Anon said, trying to calm her down.
Turning his attention to the scared colt Anon tried to give a non-alarming smile and crouching down to his height “hey kid, my name is Anon. Could you explain why you sent that letter to Moon Booty here?” He asked.
Still shaking slightly, Blue Bell looked a little more at ease by Anon’s words.
“I-I didn’t mean to. I heard my mom and dad talking, they said if they didn’t find some bits quick we’d have to move away. I didn’t know a princess was going to get that letter. I just thought that, I keep hearing how rich Canterlot ponies are. I didn’t think they’d miss a little bit of money. I’m really really sorry”
Looking back to Luna, Anon gave her a firm look making the princess clear her throat.
“Well, your intentions were good, young one. But tricking ponies out if their bits is never the answer. If you promise not to do it again we will forgive you this one time” Luna said.
“I promise Mrs Princess” he promised, looking like a tiny blue cuddly toy in the older mare’s eye.
Resisting the urge to adopt Luna quickly turned to face one of the guards trying to not cry as his third sack broke open. Spilling bits everywhere.
“Transport this all back to Canterlot, but leave a small sum to sort out this family’s financial woes”
“W-what?” Blue Bell asked, surprised at Luna’s ordered “well the best way to ensure a crime isn’t committed twice is to solve the problem” Luna explained.
Leaving Blue Bell and his mother Anon and Luna made their way back to Canterlot.
“We tell nopony about this, especially Tia”
“What part? The one where you almost caused the economic collapse of your nation or the part where you sent your guards to kill a foal?”
“It is no to late to send you to Tartarus”
-later on-
Relaxing at home Anon on the back on his couch watching Button play on his video game, Cream Heart leaned against him.
Having prevented the financial collapse of an entire kingdom only two weeks ago Anon felt he deserved a long rest.
“Finally, everything has quieted down” he said, unknowingly jinxing himself.
“Yeah, so. Have you thought of any names for the foal?” Cream Heart asked “a few, unfortunately I’ve got nothing that wouldn’t be considered weird on this planet” Anon confessed.
Giving him a soft smile, Cream Heart pecked Anon on the cheek “I’m sure any idea you come up with will be wonderful” she encouraged.
The pleasant family moment was short lived as a knock on the door drew Anon’s attention.
“I’ll get it” he said, getting off the sofa and heading to the door.
Opening the door I looked outside. At first I saw nothing, just the empty street. Before I closed the door I heard some light whining noises come from below.
Lowering my head my eyes shrank to pin pricks. Half swaddled in a basket was a thestral foal with pitch black fur, green slitted eyes and what looked like a curved horn on its head.
Stuffed next to it was a piece of paper. Taking it out the basket Anon started reading, trying to figure out what the actual fuck was going on.
Dear Anon
This is yours.
There’s no part in my plans for a foal. I wanted to just dump it in the woods but one of my subjects turned into the yellow pegasus that the brat sister of my former fiancee hangs around with and stared at me until I agreed to bring it here.
Don’t come looking for me, I don’t have time to play house.
Love, Chrissy
PS I left a picture of Shining’s cock in the basket. Make sure Twilight sees it will you?
PPS don’t worry it’s smaller than yours, but not by much
Destroying the picture of the admittingly impressive dick Anon read the letter over and over again.
Looking down at the black furred foal it reached up with its foreleg, booping Anon on the nose before letting out a tiny giggle.
“Ok Anon, maybe this is a trick. Yeah, there’s no way this thing is mine” Anon told himself, trying not to panic “I’ll just take it to Twilight, she’ll know what to do” he continued.
“Anon, what’s at the- oh Celestia aren’t you the cutest little thing” Cream Heart said, coming up to the door first in confusion, then proceeding to coo over the newborn.
“Who could leave such a perfect foal in a basket all alone?” She asked.
“M-m-m” the foal tried to speak.
“Mama!” It managed to squeak out. Oddly enough it didn’t seem to be responding to Cream Heart’s question, instead saying it as it reached out trying to grab Cream Heart.
Coming to the realisation this was clearly his foal, it’s good taste in mares proving it, Anon reacted in the most appropriate way he could imagine.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”
AN: I’ve just realised Anon is starting to evolve into a more stable version of Randy Marsh and I kind of wanna roll with it