//------------------------------// // Eleveneth Entry // Story: Even the Strong Need Help // by Charlie_K //------------------------------// Watching the bunk room wasn't quite as interesting as guarding the hallways. But Lily had been given a very important assignment by Princess Luna, and she was going to perform it to the best of her abilities. She was going to make sure Thunder actually stayed in bed and didn't try to sleepwalk his way back onto duty again. She just hoped she didn't actually have to sit on him to do it. Getting into a physical altercation with a heart patient wasn't exactly her idea of fun. And she wasn't exactly known for an overwhelming amount of physical strength. Even if she did try to sit on him, he might just walk his way back onto duty with her still sitting on his back like it was nothing. At the moment, though, it was just sitting on one of the other beds and trying not to stare creepily as she watched the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. "Poor guy," she whispered to herself. And then she noticed something out of place. A tiny glint that hadn't been there previously. Was that a tear forming in the corner of his eye? Was he crying in his sleep? "What in Equestria are you dreaming about in there?" "You... murdered another pony?" Luna asked as she finally found her voice, stunned by Thunder's statement. The fact he'd just left it there like that, only made the implications of what he was saying all the more uncomfortable with each passing second of silence. But whatever dark thoughts were forming in his mind at the moment, seemed to be dispersed at the question. Immediately his attention was back on them, with his eyes wide in surprise. "Murdered?" he repeated, before quickly shaking his head. "No, no, nothing like that, Your Highness. I didn't kill anypony," he assured her. "You did not? But if you did not murder somepony, what did you do that you believe was unforgivable?" Luna asked, relieved but also curious. "Murder isn't the only unforgivable act a pony can commit, Your Highness. My action might not've been that heinous, but that doesn't make it any less unbecoming of a Royal Guard," he explained, before letting out a sigh. "I... assaulted another pony when I was still at the orphanage. I got into a fight with another orphan and I... I broke his leg. What makes it worse is the fact that I did it on purpose." "I'll admit that does sound bad at face value," Celestia acknowledged and nodded. "But I'm curious about the details behind this incident. Why don't you start from the beginning?" Thunder thought on the suggestion, before nodding and swallowing as he tried to breathe. "H-his name was Briar Wood, with a sage-colored coat. He was older than the rest of us, and a lot bigger; he was practically an adult compared to everypony else at the time. He was-" he paused in order to swallow again, "he was always brow-beating the rest of us, making the younger ones cry, stealing what little stuff any of us had for his own amusement. Miss Heart... she told him repeatedly to not be mean to the younger foals, but he never listened. But he knew better than to hit us after the first time, because that would've gotten him kicked out." Luna frowned as she listened, but otherwise remained silent. All the while Celestia did her best to maintain a neutral poker face. "The things he said to us were horrible, I can't even repeat them. He was always putting us down because nopony wanted him, and he was going to age out of the system in a couple of years. He treated us like it was somehow our fault he wasn't wanted. One... o-one day he was talking to Petunia. She was only eight years old, and hadn't had the time needed to get a thick skin, b-but the things he was saying... he reduced her to tears like it was nothing. Even when she was already bawling, he just kept going. I..." Even if he wanted to stop at this point, he was unable to clamp back down again. What'd been started couldn't be stopped. It could only be seen through to the end. "I couldn't just stand by and watch and do nothing. I told him to stop. I told him Miss Heart said to stop picking on us, but he just laughed. He said he wasn't going to stop until he was ready to stop. S-so I told him that if he didn't stop that I was going to make him stop. He just laughed some more. "He was bigger than me. Stronger than me. He could pick us up and throw us like it was nothing. He could kick me away like I was a hoofball. He... I... we fought." If they were in the waking world, Luna would be concerned by his current composure. His breathing was elevated, as was his heart rate. But as long as he was asleep it would only be minor discomfort for his physical body. But it was still hard to remember such, going by how he currently looked. "We fought, Your Highness. And we fought hard. He tried to force me to shut up and stay down, but I wouldn't. I kept getting back up out of the mud he kept shoving me face-down in, because I hated the things he said to us. I hated him so much I didn't even care about the pain from him hitting me. I wasn't going to let him keep saying those things; not about Petunia, not about any of us. I tripped him to get him on the ground, down on his back so that I could jump on top of him. But it didn't do any good, he wasn't even fazed and was going to get up again. "I... got him pinned and wrapped myself around his left foreleg while I kept my hind legs on his barrel and I pulled. I pulled his leg back as hard as I could, with all of my might. I pulled, and I pulled, and I pulled, and I didn't stop pulling until I heard the crack of bones breaking and him screaming in pain from what I'd just done. "Miss Heart, she... she..." By this point Celestia had heard enough to get the gist of what happened, and just couldn't see any reason to make him try and continue any further. He had been through more than enough already in trying to explain his story, had been struggling to keep his composure even when it was obvious it was a losing battle, and them trying to push him any further would just be torture. Without so much as a word she walked over to where he was currently perched on the sofa, and gently pulled him into a hug. A hug that he all too readily reciprocated as he clung to her for dear life, with his breathing quite concerning as it came out in short, rapid bursts over her wither, and his heart pounding in his chest like it wanted out of his rib cage by force. "A royal guard is allowed to cry, Thunder Strike, there's no shame in it. Even Shining Armor was known for crying." His only response was to cling to her tighter, shaking his head almost frantically as his chin rubbed against her back. All the while acting like the mere act of trying to speak would break him. "Alright. You don't have to if you don't want to. We'll just sit here until you feel up to talking again," she assured him and gently patted his back, providing a measure of physical comfort that he'd obviously been denied for so long. How many years of guilt had the boy been carrying around without any sort of outlet? How long had he been holding it all in, unable to even hint that there was a problem, and unwilling to do anything that would compromise his idealized notion of what a royal guard was supposed to be? How long had he been in need of help but simply couldn't bring himself to ask for it? The furniture in the room had been abandoned by its occupants in favor of the carpeted flooring, making it easier for them all to be at a similar position of sitting height. It'd taken a long time for Thunder to finally calm back down, and his breathing to return to normal once again. Now he was currently still and silent while holding limply onto Celestia, showing no signs of intending to let her go. Not that either she or Luna could really blame him. All the while, even as they transitioned from furniture to floor, even as he went quiet, Celestia has refused to let go of him. He needed it, even if he didn't realize it, or want to admit to it. "Better?" she asked, once she was certain there was nothing more left to get out. Thunder slowly nodded in response. Only once she was certain that he was truly alright, did she lessen her hold on him. And only once he made no move to continue clinging to her, did she let him go completely and pull back, allowing him to remain upright under his own power. "I really shouldn't have done that," he stated as he slowly stood back up again. "It was entirely unbecoming of a Royal Guard, and completely unprofessional. I apologize for my lack of decorum, Your Highness. I promise it won't happen again." "Oh pish posh," Celestia stated dismissively. "Thunder Strike, even the best royal guards are still just ponies. And ponies simply aren't meant to keep their emotions bottled up and suppressed; especially not for years at a time. If we don't let them out at least once in a while, it can have dire consequences. Both for our health, and even our sanity." "Case in point, look what happened to me," Luna mumbled. "A mere fifty years of not being able to voice my resentments, and I got to be... bitchy." Thunder looked at her as she spoke, before shaking his head and turning his attention back to Celestia again, the look on his face doing much to convey the fact he was trying to process things. "Now, do you feel up to finishing your story? I'd like to hear what happened after," she stated. "This Miss Heart you mentioned, I assume she's the headmistress of the orphanage you grew up in? What exactly did she do after you broke Briar Wood's leg?" "She was furious with us," he stated and shuddered. "None of us had ever seen her that furious before. Not at any of us at least. There was so much yelling, so, so much yelling. I don't even know who she was more furious with at the time; Briar Wood for provoking an act of violence, or me for resorting to an act of violence. We both got reprimanded and punished for what we did. She told me I was lucky that I was too young to actually be arrested for physically assaulting him like I did. And that if I didn't straighten up, I'd never get to be a Royal Guard." "I see," Celestia replied slowly. "So let me see if I understand you correctly. While you were still a little colt, you got into a fight with another -bigger- colt who was provoking you, by going out of his way to be mean -if not cruel- to your friends. You got into trouble, got punished for what you did, and regretted your actions. Am I right so far?" He slowly nodded in response. "And you stayed out of trouble after that?" she asked. "Yes, Your Highness," he stated and nodded again. "Even before Miss Heart caught us, I regretted what I did immediately after it happened. Listening to Briar Wood screaming in pain as he writhed on the ground... I learned that I don't like hurting other ponies, regardless of what the reasoning behind it might be," he explained. "So you did something that was wrong, realized that it was wrong, regretted doing it in the first place, and never did it again," Celestia surmised. "You came to the defense of somepony who couldn't defend herself, because those who should've been defending didn't. The deed may've been distasteful, and the reasons behind it not exactly pure, but I hardly regard it as something unforgivable." He suddenly found himself at a loss for what to say in response, ill-prepared for such a statement. Despite trying to work his mouth, no words were coming out. "You may need time and help to get to that point for yourself, but there's absolutely no reason you can't forgive yourself for what happened all those years ago, and move on from there. Dwelling on a past that can't be changed brings its own problems," she stated. "Then... I don't need to submit my resignation?" he asked. "I'd prefer if you didn't," she replied. "As would I," Luna chimed in. "And I am quite curious about what happened to Briar Wood after you broke his leg. What became of him?" "Ah... after he got healed up? He more or less stopped being being like he was; he stopped picking on us like he used to, although he was still an annoyance at times. If I remember correctly, by the time he was old enough to leave, he got picked for an apprenticeship for an insurance company. By the time I went to the Academy, I think he was one of their salesponies," he replied. "So by fighting him like you did, not only did you learn a valuable lesson, you may have also set him on the path of becoming a responsible member of society," Luna surmised. "I am not saying the ends justify the means, but I would say in these specific circumstances, your actions on that day did far more good than harm. Let your conscience rest for once. Your conscience and your body, Faust knows you need it more than some." Thunder could do little more than sit there as he looked towards her, his mind trying to process everything as it unfolded like it did. A brief nod followed, but even he didn't know if it was one of understanding and acknowledging what she was saying, or if it was simply to let her know that he had heard her. Right now it was all unexplored territory and he didn't really know how to proceed. "Thunder Strike." This time it was Princess Celestia speaking up, bringing his attention back to her once again. "I'd like to ask a question if you don't mind. You don't have to answer, but I admit I am quite curious," she stated softly. "Did you become a guard out of guilt over what you did growing up? To try and make up for hurting Briar Wood?" At this, Thunder quickly shook his head in response as he found his ability to speak again. "No, no I'd never do something as shameful and disrespectful to the organization as that, Your Highness," he explained and shook his head again. "Briar Wood had nothing to do with it. Being a Royal guard was something that I've wanted for almost as long as I can remember. It's something I've wanted ever since I first learned about the organization in the first place. I must've been... five years old at the time when I first learned about them and wanted to join them." The first part of that response was a relief. The idea that so many years of dedicated service were out of guilt was just far too uncomfortable to think about. But the second part, that was far less expected. "That's certainly an impressive amount of dedication for one so young. Most ponies that age are more focused on their friends and earning their cutie marks," she commented. "I can't comment on the actions and decisions of other ponies, Your Highness. I can only speak for myself," he replied. "Being a Royal Guard has always been important to me. I applied to the Academy, literally the minute I was old enough to join up." "Wait, you did?" Luna asked. "You went straight from the orphanage, to the academy? Is that why you were never adopted?" "Luna, that's hardly an appropriate question to be asking," Celestia pointed out. Luna frowned in response. "Sister, we have a guard who we set out to help because he is working himself to death. Whose first thought upon breaking his leg, was that he would have to skip breakfast to get to work on time. After having already being awake all night to write reports! "On top of that already disturbing fact, I am besieged by the discovery that he was an orphan who never got to be adopted by anypony, and whose story suggests his entire foalhood was seemingly dominated by the overwhelming desire to join the royal guard, making him the equivalent of a child soldier in my eyes. "I have reached the point of no longer having any fucks left to give about what may and may not appropriate anymore! I will ask whatever question I deem fit if I believe it will help!" Celestia wouldn't vocally acknowledge the fact, but it was easy to forget just how... intimidating... Luna could be inside the dream realm when she wanted to be. That entire spiel had carried a force all its own that made it feel like a presence all in itself. Equally disturbing was just how easily she could calm back down and act like nothing had happened just seconds ago, as she returned to her pleasant self in terms of tone and presence. "I apologize for my outburst just now. It was entirely inappropriate, and my being frazzled by our discoveries does not excuse that," she stated. "Thunder Strike, please, help us understand. Why is this job so important to you? I know you said earlier that it was all that you have, but I do not understand the why behind that. Why was becoming a guard so important to you, to put you on this current path?" "... If I answer that question, Your Highness, you may not like what you hear," Thunder stated slowly. Luna shook her head in response. "We are here to help you, Thunder Strike. Your concern is respectable, but please let us worry about that matter. Let us take care of you for a change. Surely even you deserve that much consideration at least once in a while, right?" The statement left him looking torn in the aftermath, uncertain of how exactly he should respond to the question. "I... don't know," he slowly admitted. "I apologize, Your Highness. I'm really not accustomed to this. To... actually being treated with a sense of importance. I'm just a Guard..." "Oh, bitte. 'Nur ein Wächter' mein königlicher esel!" Luna snorted dismissively. "Perhaps I would have believed that, had you not studied nights to learn a third language, just so that I could have somepony to talk to upon my return. No mere guard would do that, only a pony with a heart and the capacity to care about others. So please do not dismiss all that you have done during your time here as you simply being "just a guard" as it does you a great disservice." He definitely hadn't been expecting that; certainly not the random Old Ponish out of nowhere to mock his statement and emphasize a particular point. Slowly, he realized that this discussion wasn't going to go away simply because he wanted it to. The Princesses weren't going to let it go away. They had come here to help, to help him, and they weren't about to simply give up on the notion. If he tried hard enough, and just sat silently, could he wait and stall them out until morning? Could he simply get by without speaking? They couldn't actually order him to speak here in his dream... could they? But he couldn't actually bring himself to do that. A Royal Guard must always be courteous, especially to command. He couldn't just disrespect them. Day in, day out, without fail, he'd been standing guard, patrolling the halls, safeguarding visitors and staff alike. Doing his part to ensure the proper functioning of the palace. And now here they were, leading from the front rather than from the rear and delegating duties for others to carry out in their stead. "You may not like what you hear..." he repeated slowly and sighed as he closed his eyes and hung his head, defeated and knowing what he had to do. "When I was five years old, the orphanage was treated to a local theatre production for underprivileged foals. It was a matinee anthology, filled with a lot of different acts. But the most memorable one came in the evening when the sun had finally set, and the local weatherponies could do their part to make the effects impressive." A weak smile wormed its way across his face as he opened his eyes again, the memory bringing him a sense of joy. "It was a play about the Royal Guard. And at the time it had quite the impact. The ambiance, the visuals, the vocals that were being sung, the glory and heroism that was on display, all of it culminating together and leaving one particular colt awestruck by it all. I knew right then and there, that was what I wanted more than anything; to be a Royal Guard. So that's what I set out to do. Do whatever I could to actually become a Royal Guard." The smile had already been weak to begin with, but now it was gone. "I worked hard, Your Highness, I really did. While everypony else was more focused on things like getting adopted or earning their cutie marks, I was focusing on trying to mould myself into a pony that'd be worthy of being a member of the Royal Guard, both mentally and physically. I spent just about every minute of free time that I had at the local Town Guard division, asking them about anything that I could think of, and listening to whatever stories they'd tell me about their service. And the more I listened to their stories, the more I wanted to serve. "They didn't really think I was cut out for the job, but they were always nice and encouraged my efforts. They showed me how to stand at attention, how to give a proper salute, how to lift my legs when I march, how to grip and thrust with a spear, how to keep my back aligned while doing pushups, that sort of stuff." The smile had briefly returned, but it'd faded almost immediately. "And then one day, I overheard them talking and saying how I'd never have what it took to be a Guard. That I was too small, too sickly, too stringy, too stupid, too much of a crybaby to actually make it through the academy. That they should just stop humoring me because it was cruel to give me false hope for a future that would never be." Luna winced in response to hearing that. "I take it you disagreed with their assessment?" "I couldn't accept the idea that their words might be true. The thought that they might be right was too painful to accept as true. So I did everything I could to ensure their words weren't true. I never went back there, and I started pushing myself harder than I'd ever pushed before, doing everything that I could to become a pony who could be the best Royal Guard possible. Not simply the best that I could be, but the best Royal Guard that anypony could ever hope to be." Both sisters winced uncomfortably at the tale. What was left unsaid, what was implied, was too uncomfortable to think about. Somehow the fact he hadn't come right out and explicitly said what he had to do, or what he'd had to give up to accomplish his goal, just made the whole thing worse. "And... what did it cost you to achieve that goal?" Luna hesitantly asked, fearful of what the answer might be, but also unable to not ask. "Nothing of importance, Your Highness," he answered simply, "nothing... nothing that was of any consequence..." "Other than your entire foalhood," Celestia surmised darkly. "... The Royal Guard deserves ponies they can be confident in, Your Highness. They deserve ponies who they know will bring nothing short of their very best; not only to the organization itself, but to the ponies that rely on the organization being its best," he slowly stated, not really looking at either one of them at the moment as he spoke. "They deserve ponies that can live up to the standards and ideals the organization promotes. Ponies that embody what they stand for. Ponies that will put the well being of others ahead of themselves. Ponies that they can trust and be proud of..." "Ponies such as yourself," Celestia slowly surmised as she listened. The fact he didn't immediately confirm or deny her statement, spoke volumes that his own voice couldn't. And just further hammered the nail in for her. "I-" she started, her breath hitching as she spoke, "I am proud of you, Thunder Strike. And I'm quite certain the Royal Guard is equally proud as well. I... can't think of a single guard who's shown as much devotion to the organization as you have." The words hurt for her to speak. They were technically the truth, but not in the manner she'd intended them to be. He had been so driven by his desire to be a guard, he had essentially sacrificed any chance he'd ever had of being happy in order to pursue it. Fueled by desperation, driven by spite -possibly guilt- and powered by an inability to accept the possibility that maybe he simply wasn't cut out for the job in the first place. How hard had he had to push himself while growing up to get here? What had he been forced to give up, and what had he given up willingly in pursuit of that dream? Would he still have become a guard if he hadn't overheard them talking about him? Would he have burnt himself out and lost interest if left to his own devices? She couldn't help but think that maybe that would've been better for everypony involved. "Ponies... ponies could learn a lot from you, and all that you went through to get to where you are today." The statement was met with a shuddering breath being sucked in through grit teeth. But it hadn't come from her. Nor had it come from Luna either. Leaving only one other source in the room it could be coming from. "A Guard... thinks not of themselves..." He was no longer making an effort to look at either of them. He was making no effort to look at anything as he sat, hunched over with his head hanging low towards the ground, his eyes clenched shut tightly as he fought through shaky breaths to try and maintain his composure "A-A Guard doesn't seek r-r-recognition for the work that they do..." It was a losing battle he was fighting. But ever the dutiful guard, he wasn't going to surrender, even as the words became more strangulated through frantic breaths, as little droplets of water started to fall to the ground beneath him. "A Guard d-d-doesn't cry, n-no matter what! A Guard... a-a Guard-" "A Guard is still just a pony, and deserves the same love and respect as any other pony," Celestia interrupted as she gently placed a hoof on his wither. "I meant what I said earlier, Thunder Strike. I am proud of you, and all that you overcame to be here today." She was also sorry for what he had to experience while growing up. But right now that wasn't what was important. There would be plenty of time to hash that out later. Right now he was the one in need of strength and calm. And she was more than willing to provide that as he latched onto her for dear life. The first time around he had just barely managed to walk himself back from the breach and maintain his composure, as he fought with every fiber of his being to resist doing what he desperately needed to do. This time around, as he clung to her and buried his face in her chest fluff, that was no longer an option as the dam finally burst under the strain of what it was holding back, and a choked out sob escaped. Silently, she wrapped her forelegs around his quaking, quivering frame once again, holding him close as what had to be the better part of at last two long decades worth of pain were finally allowed to escape.