There are times in everybody’s life where they react to something that happens to them, and based on the reactions of the others involved, the person may or may not know that the reaction they just had wasn’t the wisest one.
I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that this may or may not be one of those times.
As I lay in a freshly-made crater in the room next to the one I recently occupied, the thought begins to go through my mind.
“Uh… hbuluhgh,” I say as I attempt to get out of the large dent in the cracked linoleum floor. My one good arm is shaking like crazy, and my attempt to push myself off of the ground is met with no success. The last remaining reserves of my strength 'pull a Judas' on me, and I am on the floor once more seconds later.
Surprisingly, I’m not in as much pain as I thought it would be. Sure, my left arm still hurts like crazy, and I feel like someone is driving nails through my skull, but I’m surprised that I’m not more… dead. Having said that, maybe whatever happened destroyed every nerve ending in my body save for the ones I know are going off, and I am actually in even more excruciating pain than I originally thought, but can’t feel it.
As I lie like an invalid on the cold linoleum that presses against my skin – it’s actually doing a side job of cooling me off, which is nice – I wonder if they aren’t just going to lock the door of the room and wall me in like that one drunk dude in The Cask of Amontillado. Goodness knows that if Celestia is sadistic enough to send her sister to the moon for a whole millennium, she’s certainly capable of that.
The seconds tick on, and my mind tells my body that it should probably roll over and beg for mercy from the ponies if I want to keep this whole ‘living’ schtick going. Perish that last thought, but I don’t see why I can’t at least roll over. That’s still a skill I possess, right?
Groaning, I place my right hand on the floor and, grabbing my last bit of strength by the collar to prevent its escape, I push off and roll over so I face the ceiling. Ah, popcorn ceiling, how charming. Didn’t that go out of style in the… was it ever in style? Even when it’s animated, the popcorn ceiling looks absolutely ridiculous.
My senses are slowly returning, which the the metallic taste filling my mouth proves, and I realize I bit my tongue in the beat down. Geez, if that’s the only repercussion, then I got off easier than I thought. Still, I can’t lie here forever, waiting for them to concoct some other form of sadistic revenge for my completely justified reaction to Celestia’s jerk move. I can only imagine the horrors that the seven of them, nay, the whole country, have in store for me. I just punched their goddess in the face. Unless you live in Stalinist Russia, people don’t tend to like it when you punch powerful beings in the face for being morons.
At that moment, I hear the door to my right open and, mustering more strength than I thought I had in me at the moment, I turn my head and look. To my utter lack of surprise, in walk the six ponies and their ‘oh so beloved by me at this moment’ leader. Each one of them has a unique look to them.
Fluttershy appears to be hiding behind her hair, not even daring to look at anyone in the room for fear of what the reaction to this situation will be from the parties involved.
Applejack, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash are absolutely livid; their faces are masks of anger that I am not sure will ever come off as long as I’m the object of their attention. Ah ha, Watson, we now have three more suspects for the beings responsible for my current predicament!
Rarity and Pinkie Pie both merely look uncomfortably at me. I don't know whether they're mad or sorry, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that ‘a bit of both’ is an acceptable answer.
However, the expression that surprises me the most is that of Princess Celestia. I see that I did absolutely nothing to her. To her credit, though, she does at least look a little concerned. Sort of. "Are you okay?" she asks in that irritatingly serene voice.
Oh, how desperately I wish I could stand up and flip her the bird, though I imagine my situation is a bit… delicate at the moment. So, I opt instead for a far more intelligent answer. "No."
She chuckles. Oh that's nice to see: my pain brings her joy. How delightful. "Of course. I would imagine you don't feel completely healthy at the moment."
I roll my eyes at her – thank goodness I haven't been robbed of my ability to do that! – and look around at the other ponies again. "Okay, spill it. Who exactly did what?"
To my surprise, a look of excitement plasters itself on Pinkie Pie's face."Oh, oh, you wouldn't believe what they did! First you hit the Princess and then Twilight put you in a spell and pulled you back through the walls but Rainbow Dash and Applejack both kicked you in the legs but I think Princess Celestia put you under some kind of spell so that Applejack and Twilight and Rainbow Dash didn't break every bone in your body and put you in one of those ‘FOREVER!’ comas and–"
She only stops when Rarity puts a hoof in her mouth. Holy Hitchcock, Batman, did she ever pause or take a breath throughout that entire thing? "I think he gets the idea, darling."
"Indeed," I reply stiffly.
"That's about the extent of it," Celestia admits. "I put that protection spell over you so that you wouldn't be harmed while they..." She motions over to the hyperactive pink pony. “Well, you heard Pinkie Pie."
"Why?” I raise an eyebrow at her. “Not that I’m unappreciative, but I'm surprised that you didn't join right in with the beating of the insolent human that just smacked your snout."
At this, Celestia's face falls a bit. "Well, as much of a surprise as it was to be so blatantly attacked as I was, I still see more coming out of your appearance here. Yes, I cast a spell that brought you here. Yes, you're angry and you lashed out. No, I didn’t appreciate that. But I still want to answer the ‘why’s’ in this equation: why you, why now, why here, etcetera.
“Besides, I do not imagine that Twilight and her friends would have benefited emotionally from your death."
"Thanks for that," I spit. "Now you just gotta teach your lapdogs how far their chains actually go and you’re golden."
Celestia's face darkens ever so slightly, but she says nothing. She’s probably realized I am perfectly justified in saying that; or she figured that I've just been through enough hell and could use some slack.
I don’t wait for her answer. "Did it hurt? When I hit you, I mean," I explain at her puzzled look.
She breaks back out into her contented smile. Gosh darn it, Celestia, stop that! This is not a smiling situation! "If you could ever strike me hard enough to hurt me even a little, I'd hand over rule of Equestria to you."
"It was worth a shot, I guess," I mumble.
"No, it was not 'worth a shot'!" Twilight snarls. "What in Equestria possessed you?!"
Celestia frowns and puts a hoof on her student's shoulder. "Twilight–"
"How do you justify attacking Princess Celestia, let alone in the face, huh?!” Twilight just cut Celestia off. Wow. I didn't think she would ever do that. “What made you think that was okay?!"
"Twilight–"
"You're so lucky–"
"Twilight!" Celestia interrupts with a little more force, and Twilight turns to look. She instantly pales and deflates under the stern look she’s getting.
I decide that now is as good of a time as any to speak up. "To answer your question, I punched your ruler because I am still rather mad that she ripped me from my world. A world where I was perfectly happy and content with how things were going.” I take the time to spit out a mouthful of saliva mixed with blood at the floor. When I speak again, I can’t hide the anger anymore. “I had plans, goals, and ambitions, and now because of her fooling around with stuff she doesn’t know, all of that is gone! I might as well not exist!"
My outburst disarms Applejack, Twilight, and even Rainbow Dash, the one that looked the closest to charging at me again. Their ears wilt and they get out of attack mode. Yeah, they’d better feel embarrassed!
"I had loving parents, cool friends, a pleasant life, and things I was looking forward to! I was going to go down to see my parents for the first time in a month this upcoming weekend! Now I can't do that because of your irresponsible Princess, who has me sitting in a room full of ridiculous talking ponies that have just finished beating the bagels out of me! Does that answer your question, Sparkle?"
The minutes pass without response, though, and the silence is getting kind of awkward. Enough with the self-pity party already, would you? I'm not healing any faster just lying here on the floor! Having said that, though, if Celestia did cast a spell to protect me from the abuse that would have reduced a terminator to nothing more than a weeping pile of junk, maybe I'm not broken all over after all. I try once more to push myself up off of the ground, and I’m delighted to discover that while my joints are stiff, I can stand up just fine. My fractured arm means that I am still in excruciating pain, but hey, nothing more than that is something I can deal with.
The seven snap out of their fit of depression when they notice me on my feet. All they do is stare, until Fluttershy slowly begins walking up to me, hiding in her hair the entire time, and nuzzles my arm in an apology. "I'm sorry," she mumbles sadly.
I so desperately want to grimace at the display, but I simply can't. I know she genuinely feels sorry for what the others did. I realize that I can't be mad at either her, Pinkie, or Rarity – all three are guilt-free in this.
I rub my temples a bit and sigh. "Don't worry about it," I grunt back.
"Oh but we must, Darling!" said Rarity earnestly. "You must let us make it up to you!"
"Unless you can retur–"
"We simply can't let you wander around Equestria when we are the ones who brought you here in the first place!"
"She brought me here,” I retort, with my index finger almost poking Celestia’s snout. Out of the corner of my eye, I see she’s surprised for a tenth of a second as she looks cross-eyed at the tip, but I’m interrupted again before I can process that.
"You have to let us help you through this!" Twilight begs.
Oh dear, this isn't good. I'm going to have to live with them now, aren't I? "N...No, I can find–"
"You must!" Rarity’s eyes grow very large and pleading. "You must, you must, you must!"
"No, really," I press, "I can–"
"You must!"
"OKAY, FINE, I MUST!" I yell out in frustration. Dang it!
Rarity's face breaks out in a wide grin and she walks over to me. In turn, I take a few steps back. I've seen that kind of look before: she has plans. "Perfect! You can start by staying with me!"
"Uh..."
Her smile widens. "Oh, it’s no trouble at all, darling."
"I think that sounds like a wonderful idea," Celestia adds her two cents. I shoot a glare her way, but she simply returns it with her trademark cool face.
I desperately want to shout out that I’m sure she is only offering me board so she can get me for some nefarious purpose; I only don’t because I doubt they'll listen. Their expectant smiles reveal as much. Short of punting Rarity out a window, I don't think that I'm going to get out of this. "Fine," I mumble dejectedly.
"Wonderful! You can come over and move in right now!"
"Didn’t the doctor say that I wouldn’t be discharged until morning?"
"Oh, based on that right hook, I think I can get you discharged right now," Celestia jokes. "I don't see any reason to keep you here."
"Of course you don't," I grumble.
True to her word, the doctor comes in and examines me for a brief moment, signing a discharge right afterwards. The Princess tells him that she will foot the bill for the property damage, something that makes him look rather relieved. I wonder if he was doing the math of how much it’ll cost to fix the holes in the building before she soothed him.
I gingerly walk back to the room I woke up in to collect my scooter and computer bag, and reach into my pockets to check my cell phone, hoping it was also protected by Celestia's spell. Good, it was – at least I can listen to my music. Provided the battery holds, that is... which it won't forever. That is a sobering thought for sure. My hospital bill is also covered by Celestia, which is something I wonder whether she’ll hold against me at some point in the future.
After signing a few papers, I’m out. Man, it feels really great to be out of there. I never liked hospitals to begin with. They're always so quiet, so... subdued. I'm not a huge fan of how white and sterile everything is either, and let's not forget the ever-present sense that death is leaning against the wall in your room, watching you, waiting...
I struggle to hold out against a very un-manly shiver. Now I know why so many horror movies take place in abandoned hospitals. At any rate, the sun shining down on me scares off the chill.
The temperature outside is pretty nice, something I think I would never experience consistently back where I come from. The smell of cows is gone as well, something that I appreciate beyond measure. In fact, as I take a deep breath, I notice the air is clean... very clean. Air pollution feels like an alien concept right now. Caricaturisms aside, I imagine that, if you put this place back to back against Earth, it would still look far more lush, green, and peaceful than anywhere I’ve ever been.
However, the feeling of relaxation slowly gives way to icy dread when we get into the town proper. My goodness, the ponies are everywhere! Sure, I realized the moment when I would be bombarded with the sight of more ponies then I could ever imagine in my life would come even before I got out of the hospital, but that doesn’t make it any less unnerving.
Immediately, I miss the sight of college students bustling about like rambling cattle to their next class or off to their rooms. Sure, it may sound similar to what I’m going through now, but at least they’re humans. It certainly makes for a far less alien experience than this.
I take a small step back, only to get nudged forward mid-step by Twilight’s head. "Easy now," she whispers soothingly. "They're not going to hurt you."
"That's not the issue," I whisper back. "The issue is that they're all ponies!"
"Err… yeah, we are kind of all ponies here," says Rainbow Dash, who is flying alongside us.
I roll my eyes. "Yeah, I kind of got that. It’s just weird for me is all."
"Oh well, in any case it’s only a few more blocks to my house, darling," Rarity reassures me. "You can hide in there once we arrive."
Oh, how I resent the word 'hide' in this situation. On the other hand, better keep my mouth shut for now. They'll all know all about me soon enough.
In fact, look, they're finding out about me right now! Yep, I am getting the first of many collective stares as I walk down the street. Each and every resident of Ponyville that I can see is paying me their undivided attention, and boy is it awkward. I don't think I've had so many beings focused on me since my birth.
Nobody does anything but stare. They've stopped walking, they've stopped talking to each other, they've stopped buying and selling, they’ve stopped literally everything just to stare. All attention is focused on me and me alone, the shirtless being walking on two legs surrounded by the six most famous ponies in Ponyville. Thank goodness Celestia returned to Canterlot not long after I was discharged. I didn’t need any more attention than this.
"I take it they always do that?" I whisper to Twilight.
She laughs nervously, which doesn't sound encouraging. "They'll get used to you…”
"I sure hope not," I retort. "I really don’t want to be here long enough for that."
"I'm sure everything will be fine," Rarity repeats herself. Of course it will be. "Oh, here we are!"
True to her word, we have arrived at a tacky-looking building that I can only assume is Rarity's home, since she has the key to unlock it and all. Fancy that being the indicator. She happily steps into her not-so-humble abode, which haunts me with the terrors within. It is the home of a fashion designer from a little girls’ show after all.
Letting myself get roped into this is sounding like an even worse idea than before.
What her home actually looks like isn't nearly as frightening or gag-inducing as I imagined, as I see when she flips on the lights. It looks like... a house. I mean, yeah, there is definitely a room where she showcases her stuff, but it's not too shabby, to be honest. "Nice place," I say as I walk in, followed by the others.
"Why thank you, darling. I've done my best to make it comfortable."
"Yeah... I can see that," I tip-toe verbally. "It does look very... comfortable."
Rarity looks proudly around her abode. "It's a simple enough dwelling place. Nothing more than I need on the whole."
As if she wouldn't move to Canterlot to become royalty the minute she got the chance. Still, she hasn’t been anything but nice so far and pointing that out would be very rude of me, so I restrain myself from becoming the new Element of Honesty. I instead opt for another compliment, and then another one. She eats them all up. Maybe that’s something I can possibly use to my advantage if I find myself in a tight spot with her…
"So," she says. "Is the basement okay? I'm afraid that I haven't had any time to prepare anything for you."
"The basement's fine," I confirm. "It's where my room was when I was in high school. It'll be just like home."
She grins. "I'll be sure to make it extra comfortable, then."
I nod, but we realize that we don't really have much to say at that point, and the place goes quiet. I want to go home, not make small talk. However, I know that isn't going to happen anytime soon, so, like the rest of them, I try to think of something to say.
However, the situation goes from bad to worse when Twilight speaks up. "Well, girls, it's been a fun day, but I really think I have to go. I have a lot of work to catch up on. I'll see you later."
"Yeah, same goes for me," says Rainbow Dash. "Gotta clear those clouds up."
My heart sinks as each one of the ponies gives reasons to leave. Not because they sound like excuses – all of them are legitimate ones, as far as I can tell – but because I do not want to be left alone with Rarity. The fact that she was so eager to take me in is still worrying me. Does she have some kind of sadistic plan? However, I don't bother trying to stop the other five ponies as they say their goodbyes and leave the boutique. I may be stronger than Rarity and able to resist whatever she throws at me. I know I will try if I have to.
I set my pack on a couch and fold up my scooter, stretching out a bit afterwards. As uneasy as my current situation makes me feel, it’s good to be up and about again.
"So," Rarity opens up. "How are you holding up?"
"Fine."
Her eyes scan my chest. "How is your upper half? It's not too cold in here for you, is it?"
"Not really."
"Is it usual for males of your species to go around without a shirt on? You didn’t seem to like it when you found out your own was cut up, but haven’t said a thing otherwise."
I shake my head. Where is she going with this? "Some guys do it every now and then, but on the whole, we keep most of us clothed."
"Oh then you must let me make you a new shirt!" she explodes. “I don’t want you going around town feeling nude!”
"Er,” I stumble. She’s almost unnaturally eager to do things for me, and I don’t know how to react properly. “I'm good for right now, thanks."
"Oh, but you aren't! You need your clothes if you're going to stay here! You can't wear the same thing every day after all."
I uneasily rub the back of my neck and raise one leg in the air as if to take a half-step backwards. "True, but-"
"You have to let me make you some clothes!" I grow even more uneasy when I see a mad glint in her eye. "It would be no problem at all, darling, I assure you."
"Seriously, I'll just-"
“Oh, don't worry about it." She begins pushing me towards what I assume is a workroom. "Now, I haven't designed anything for humans before, so I'll need you to stand still while I take your measurements."
"Don't you just have dressmaking materials here?"
Rarity chuckles. "Oh, I'm sure I can make them work for you. You'll be the talk of the town with your stylish new clothes!"
I realize she’s going to be really insistent about all of this, and my heart sinks. She shoves me into the workroom, which is even worse than I thought: ruffles and frills and pink items strewn all over. Nothing here gives any indication that she even knows what a male is, much less designed clothes for them before. The sheer amount of girliness in this room would make even the most die-hard brony reconsider getting an outfit by this pony.
I gulp as I turn back to Rarity. "Have you ever even designed anything for males before? You seem to only do dresses."
Rarity scoffs and waves her hoof. "Oh please, dear, of course I've designed outfits for males before." She walks up to a closet and opens it up. "Just look at this outfit I created for Spike! Isn't it just dashing?"
My eyes widen as I stare at the abomination before me. She made that?! I thought she was supposedly a good fashion designer! It looks like something that a 16th century noble would wear… if they lost a bet. It is very frilly, the colors are gaudy, the designs on the outfit are garish, and the whole thing is just an affront to everything that everyone ever stood for.
She smiles, looking fondly at the outfit. "One of my better designs, I think. I can make one for you just like this if you want!"
I stare at the outfit, and then do the only sensible thing I can think of: run for my life and fashion sense. I make it a whole three feet out the doorway.