"Well...that could have gone better," Spike said as Twilight and he made their way through Trotter Memorial Park (Named after Lord Trotter Memorial, who donated the funds to build the park; after he died, Ponyville named their post office after him, making the Trotter Memorial Memorial Post Office one of the most confusing structures in all of Equestria). "I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't some kind of conspiracy to keep you from learning the truth about Scootaloo."
"Spike, please," Twilight said, rolling her eyes. "There is no conspiracy."
"...that’s just what-"
"Spike, I will take away all your gemstones if you finish that sentence." Twilight perked up when she noticed an ice cream cart a few yards away. "Listening to all this insanity and fleeing for my life is making me hungry...why don't I get us some ice cream? My treat."
"Can I have a sundae with crushed emeralds and cherry syrup on top?"
"Sure...what's your second choice if they don't have emeralds?"
"Oh, they'll have emeralds!" Spike said with confidence, puffing out his chest.
Twilight smiled at her friend's bold proclamation. "Alright...see if you can find us a bench to sit on; I'll handle the ice cream."
Spike gave the unicorn a salute, scurrying off to find a place to sit while Twilight went to procure their treats. Luckily for the dragon the park wasn't overly crowded (as many ponies were actually working for their bits instead of having the government give them stipends…) and he was able to find an empty bench near the playground.
"Hello Mr. Spike!" Snails called out, trotting over to the baby dragon. His best friend Snips was close behind, wearing a similar dopey grin on his face. "How are ya?"
"I'm good, guys," Spike said settling down on the bench. He didn't interact much with the colts and fillies in Ponyville (while he was a baby dragon he was mentally only a few years younger than Twilight, which made hanging out with kids a bit creepy). "What are you two up too?"
"Just having fun!" Snips said in glee. "Miss Cheerilee called off school today because of 'robot attacks'. Said we needed to go home and prepare for the apoca-something.”
"I bet," Spike snarked.
"We heard you and the Amazing Twilight were asking about Scootaloo!" Snips scrambled up to join Spike on the bench, Snails clamoring up between the two of them.
"Yeah, but it hasn't been going well. Twilight doesn't like any of the answers she's gotten. Something about them not being ‘realistic in the slightest’. Personally I think my theory was the best one…"
"Should we tell him?" Snails stage whispered.
"Tell me what?" Spike asked. The two young colts shifted and Spike rolled his eyes. "Guys, you wouldn't have brought it up if you didn't want to tell me. Spill."
"Yeah...but we just don't want you to get mad!" Snips exclaimed.
"I promise I won't."
"Pinkie Promise?" Snails asked.
"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," Spike recited, performing the motions perfectly (and remembering to close his eye).
Snips and Snails glanced at each other and silently decided that the sacred Pinkie Promise (as laid down by Lord Pinkie Swear the 5th in the year 579) was enough to allow them to believe him.
"Amazing Twilight already knows all about Scootaloo...the reason she is doing all of this is because she wants to throw everypony off the real scent."
"What are you talking about?" Spike asked. He didn't like the way this conversation was going but he remembered the promise and kept his cool. "Why would she not want everypony to know about Scootaloo?"
"Because of Scootaloo's secret mission!" Snips exclaimed happily.
"Yeah," Snails stated.
Spike glanced at them, face screwed up in confusion. "What mission?"
Snips cleared his throat before intoning, "Once in every generation, there is born a filly who is destined to fight the vampires...she is the slayer."
~MC~MC~MC~
"What's the what, Sparkles?" Scootaloo said as she happily bounced into the library and made her way over to the couch. Now that night had fallen, she was able to wear her favorite jacket without getting any strange looks (but of course that is what you got when you lived in a country full of nudists). Of course, the main reason ponies stared at her when she wore the red jacket was that there were stakes tucked all over it.
"Really, Scootaloo, I must protest," Twilight complained, never looking up from the ancient scroll she was examining. "I am your watcher and a bit of respect would be nice."
"Aw, but come on Sparkles, that is what makes you and me click so good. Besides, Scootaloo and respect are unmixy."
"Why are they talking like that?"
"What do you mean?"
"Twilight sounds like she is from Trottingham and Scootaloo is talking like a valley girl. They don’t talk like that!”
"That you know of! It would be the perfect cover-"
"Ok ok...geez, that is really annoying when you are on the other side."
"Quite. Are you ready to begin?" Twilight asked, gathering up her books.
"Have to wait for the rest of the gang to arrive," Scootaloo said, idly playing with a stake.
Before Twilight could complain, the rest of the Crusaders burst through the door. "Sorry about that S-Gal, Sweetie Belle here was busy helping Miss Cheerilee clean the blackboard."
"Applebloom, how many times must I tell you not to call me that dreadful name?" Twilight snapped, using her magic to pull off the glasses that were perched on her nose and polish them with a cleaning rag. "Now then, I have been investigating the recent rise in vampire activity and I believe it can be linked to the arrival of a new threat."
"Are you sure?" Sweetie Belle asked politely. "M-maybe it is signaling something happy! Like a party or a new mall opening."
"Vampires normally don't equal happy, Sweets," Scootaloo said.
"Depends on the type of happy you want," Applebloom said, waggling her eyebrows.
"Ewwww!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "I do not want to think about that!"
Twilight nodded. "Indeed. Now then, all signs point to our new adversary being Drago the Bloody. He, along with a paramour Flutters the Mad-"
"Listen, this is real interesting...but when does the fighting begin?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"What's the matter with how I tell the story?" Snips asked, giving Spike a glare.
Snails nodded his head. "Yeah! I like it!"
"Well...it’s all witty banter and no action. I mean, sure, the quips are funny but I want to get the plot moving along!"
Snips shook his head. "But the jokes add color."
"You know what also adds color?" Spike asked, the two colts staring at him as if he were about to impart the greatest knowledge in the universe. "Blood and guts and actual fighting!"
"Aw...ok, ok, I'll get moving..."
~MC~MC~MC~
Scootaloo twirled her stake with her wings, bouncing it back and forth as she watched the vampire slowly rise from his grave. She wrinkled her nose when she saw the suit the vampire was wearing. "Seriously, your parents buried you in that? Maybe I should let you drain them." The vampire hissed and Scootaloo flicked her right wing, sending a stake sailing right into the vampire's heart, reducing him to dust. "Or not," she said with a laugh, moving on to the next grave.
So far she had managed to stake 5 vampires. That would normally be a good night, but all the vampires had been fledges. Scootaloo was looking for a master vampire, one that could go one on one with a slayer. There weren't too many masters in Ponyville...not after Scootaloo had staked Nightmare Moon and sent her and her horde of vampire pegasi to the great dust pan in the sky.
"Twilight and her friends defeated Nightmare Moon, not Scootaloo!"
"Twilight told you that to hide Scootaloo from you."
"Why would she-"
Scootaloo turned, feeling tingles run down the back of her neck. Snapping her head forward, she readied her stake only to stop when she saw who stepped out of the shadows.
"Angel..." she murmured, love tinting every syllable.
Angel Bunny looked at her, his expression a mix of mystery and constipation. His hair was filled with so much gel product that he could have greased a skillet the size of Manehattan.
"I suddenly have the urge to hear stories about Angel Bunny that don't feature Scootaloo at all."
"Yeah, everypony says that when we tell them this story."
"What is it, Angel?" Scootaloo asked, taking a step closer.
The bunny gave her a cool look.
"I know you feel that way, Angel, but it would never work out between us. I wish it could but we are starcrossed lovers. You are a vampire and I am the slayer...we are destined to fight."
"Plus they are different species and she is a filly."
"Uh...aren't you trying to date pretty Miss Rarity?"
"...I withdraw my objection."
Before Angel could say a word they heard clapping ring out through the darkness. Scootaloo and Angel turned, prepared for a fight...as a small vampire in a long leather coat emerged from the shadows.
"Oi...now that is a load of garbage if I ever heard it," the new vampire snarked.
"Our love life is none of your concern!" Scootaloo snapped, readying a stake.
The vampire laughed, letting out a long plume of smoke as he did so. "Ain't talkin' 'bout that. Talkin' 'bout anyone lovin' peaches over there. Look at the git with his poofy hair...disgrace to all vampires." He paused, holding out his arms nice and wide. “And if you want to stake me, just try it! Course, might have 30 minutes aimin’ crossbows are ya. I’d risk it but that’s just me, pet.”
Angel's nose twitched.
"Awe, no need to get mad, gramps! I'm just havin' some fun!" The vampire took a step closer, flashing Scootaloo a dark smile full of fangs. “Why don’t I introduce myself.” The vampire bowed. “Drago the Bloody…but ya can call me Spike.”
“WHAT?!?!”
~MC~MC~MC~
Spike stared at the two boys. “You think I’m a vampire?”
“Well…yeah,” Snails said simply. “Please don’t eat us, by the way.”
“How…how can you think I’m a vampire?!” Spike exclaimed. “I am sitting out in the sunlight! Shouldn’t I go poof?”
Bon Bon, who was happily trotting by, took a moment to call out, “Vampires sparkle in the sunlight!”
“NO THEY DON’T!” screamed every stallion and colt with a 3 block radius.
Once they were all done screaming about sparkly vampires, Snips and Snails continued to explain just how Spike could be a vampire without realizing it.
“You are a werevampire.”
“…a what now?” Spike complained.
“A werevampire. During the day, you are normal Spike. But during the night, you turn into a vampire.”
“Yeah,” Snails added.
“…a vampire who happens to sound like he is from the slums of Trottingham?” Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Uh-huh!” Snails said, bobbing his head.
“…now I understand why Twilight likes banging her head against tables,” Spike muttered.
“Tables…where are the tables?” Twilight said nervously, looking about as if she expected it to jump out and attack her poor head (which was FINALLY beginning to heal).
Spike waved her off, trying to snatch the ice cream that was encased in purple magic. “Don’t worry about it.”
Twilight shrugged. “Well, I got us our ice cream…would have been back sooner but apparently even the ice cream vendor had a story about Scootaloo! I don’t know what a ‘Code Lyoko' is...”
“Yeah, that’s great, ice cream time!” Grabbing his treat Spike shoved his head down and began to inhale the dessert like he was a pig going to town on a trough of slops.
“Geez, Spike!” Twilight complained, licking her vanilla ice cream cone (in a sugar cone…and no sprinkles…it was an ice cream cone, not a whore). “It’s bad enough when you eat ice cream like that around me, but we are in public!” She glanced at Snips and Snails and sighed. “Sorry about that…sometimes I swear he is more demon than dragon.”
“Hey!” Spike said, pulling his head up from his treat, cherry syrup dripping from his lips.
“HE IS A VAMPIRE!” the colts screamed. “RUN!”
Twilight blinked, watching as the two darted away. “…ok, what the hay.”
“I said don’t bloody worry about it,” Spike grunted, going back to his dessert. “Wankers.”