I want out...
It's nice to be out of the cell every once in a while, but it still feels wrong in here. Despite being outside, you're still in a cage. The tall brick walls and their barbed wire tops are a reminder of that. Out here, you can feel the sun on your face, you can smell the grass beneath your bare feet, you can even hear the occasional passing conversation of ponies walking by. They're too far to make out the words, but you can hear them none-the-less. It feels nice, but there's still that part of you that screams in the back of your head that this is nothing more than a taste of the real world; a false sense of freedom to keep you in line. You know in your heart that it's not wrong, but what choice do you have? You've already been here for two weeks - nearly three now - and, according to yesterday's hearing, you likely would not be tasting freedom again for the next several months. Too many chances, too many repeat offenses. They even had the nerve to hoist blame on you for those false crimes, even the ones that you were later proven innocent on. These ponies piss you off to no end.
And they know that.
Even with your so-called friends there, your pleas fell upon deaf ears. You made the mistake of lashing out again, your desire to be free overwhelming any rational thought as you cursed and screamed at the judge. You were promptly dragged out during your outburst, left in the dark for the remainder of the hearing as you were dragged back to your cell to cool off. If not for Jade being there to help calm you down, you might have broken out of your cell. Even you don't want to think about what you would have done after. Thinking back, you feel like you played right into the judge's hooves. They were just looking for a reason to keep you locked up, to contain the animal they all think that you are. While that may be true for most ponies, you know that Twilight did her best to lighten your sentence. You still feel betrayed though. You've tried time and time again to adjust, to play nice and do things by their rules. You've altered so much of yourself to try to fit in, but none of them could accept even the smallest of your shortcomings.
Jade, on the other hand, doesn't seem to notice any of your shortcomings. You've talked out a great many issues with her, but she doesn't see how you were in the wrong. You've tried to emphasize how wrong the things you've done are, but she doesn't seem to grasp it. More often than not, she rationalizes a lot of your behaviors and compares it to how similar things are in her home. She makes it hard for you to understand why what you do is wrong. To an extent, you're not understanding how you're in the wrong either. You know what you've done isn't good, but, in your mind, the people you've hurt deservered it and Jade sympathizes with that. She understands it. Being around her has made you feel less alien, less like you're some kind of animal. Amidst all the talks and the nightly cuddling with her, you started feeling more at ease about yourself. The licking took some getting used to, but it's cute enough that you can ignore it. You feel less like a monster and more like a person when you're around her, and it feels as though she's done more for you than any single pony.
Twilight, Starlight, AJ, RD, Flutters, Pinks and even Rarity; they've all tried hard to help you out, but nothing seemed to work. Starlight served as a good counselor, of sorts, but she couldn't make heads or tails of you most of the time. Rarity, always the generous soul, helped to keep you from freezing by providing you with necessary clothing. AJ and RD served as good friends and a great form of stress relief, whether it be through work, working out or just being active in general. Pinkie was...interesting, to say the least. You know that she means well, but her antics can get annoying very fast. And the way she just pops up in places puts you on edge. Even now, you're paranoid that she will suddenly appear on your shoulder out of the blue and ask you when you want to have your next 'Got out of jail' party. Fluttershy was a beast in her own right, but she served as a source of centering yourself. She made it easier to decipher things about yourself and tried to help you to think things through before acting. So much for that. Twilight has a lot of pull, being a princess and all. It was imperative that you stayed in her good graces, but Christ can she ramble. Again, you know she's just trying to help you, but a man can only take so many lectures before he finally cracks.
All in all, they tried to help, but nothing they did made a difference. If anything, they just made you feel even more out of place.
There are very few friendships that you've managed to hold onto. The longest lasting ones were the ones with those who only saw you maybe once or twice a month. Of course, there were the very select few who could deal with you on a regular basis, but even they needed a break. You start to wonder why you're thinking about all of this so much, but conclude that it's just yet another way to help pass the time. Especially now that it seems you won't be seeing the outside world again until it's clear into winter. And when you do get out, you'll have to go back to your old place. You can hardly complain, but it's nothing to brag about either.
Being a handyman has its uses, but it doesn't supply much. Barely near enough to have your own place, less so to personalize it. You found a comfortable shelter with your previous marefriend, Daisy, for a time, but you're likely not allowed within several feet of her by now.
What did I even see in that mare?
You know what you saw; Shelter, stability, structure. All things that you knew you needed, but could not provide for yourself. It started out with her being facinated with your 'exoitic' appearance, her overall attraction to you being almost purely physical. You got along under a few circumstances, but she quickly became more and more intimidated by you and your demeanor. How the relationship lasted as long as it did is a shocker, even to you. You tried so hard to behave and keep things going. Unfortunately, you can't seem to stop screwing up, doing the wrong thing at nearly every turn. In her words, 'You're just too wild of an animal to be able to do anything right.' You feel your relaxation come to a sudden stop as you remember your argument with her. Your fists clench, knuckles popping as the event plays out in your head over and over again. Why does everyone here have to be so blind? Why are they so infuriating?
Time flies by and before you know it, you can hear the metal door connected to the jailhouse open.
"Handyman!" You crane your neck to the side to see the very same mare who cuffed you and brought you back to your cage two long weeks ago. She stands there in the open doorway, looking at you with nothing but frustration and disgust. "You have a visitor."
You're not happy that your outside time is being cut short, but it couldn't hurt to see who's coming in to harass you. With a sigh, you turn on your heels and march back into the building to get this meet and greet on the road. You're led down hallways and into a small room with a single metal table and two chairs of the same material. Sat in one of the chairs is Princess Twilight, who looks at you with a sad smile as you enter. The guard mare closes the door behind you and locks it before moving to stand beside the obstruction just outside of anyone's reach.
"It's good to see you again, Handyman," Twilight begins as you shrug and take your place in the seat opposite of her. You can tell there's something bothering her and you get the distinct feeling that it isn't going to bode well for you. Being your defense lawyer, she was likely left to handle the rest of your hearing in your absence. You notice her face scrunch for a brief moment as she sniffs the air in a very peculiar manner. Shaking her head, she seems to brush off whatever it is that's bothering her nose. "I have some news. It's...not the greatest, but it could be worse."
There's not much that you can think of to say about the matter as you place your arms on the table and lean toward the alicorn. You suppose that there's not much to say. Seeing no point in dragging this out, you offer her a nod and usher her to continue in a defeated tone. "Lay it on me."
Struggling to hold her smile, Twilight drops the facade and slumps forward a bit. Her expression says it all and her body language is strained, like she's trying to hold a stack of cinder blocks on her shoulders. Something tells you that this may be worse than you initially thought. "They wanted to give you two years mandatory...in Manehattan Penitentiary."
No...
Twilight winces as your body responds on your behalf. The weight of the news deafens you to the horrible screeching sound coming from the table as your now curling fingers dig your pointed nails into the metal. Their sharp ends drag along the surface, carving eight solid lines down to your knuckles before finally coming to a stop. Your breathing is heavy as you almost struggle to keep a steady rhythm, your body trembling, heart pounding in your chest as your mind continues to absorb this information with nothing but rage and malcontent. For a moment, you consider miscommunication. Maybe this isn't as bad as it sounds, or you're misinterpreting what she said.
Really homing in on the alicorn, you lean several inches closer to her, most of your upper body hovering over the table as you open your ears to ensure that her response will not be misunderstood. "It sounded like you just said that they want me to spend two years...in a Manehattan prison."
Twilight's face says it all as she looks back at you with shame, disappointment and guilt prevalent on her features. "They want you in a secure location where...where you can't hurt anypony," she began, her voice barely above a whisper. Her throat contracts as she continues, as if the words themselves are choking her as they escape her lips. Through her pain though, there is hope and she is quick to aid in the recovery of the situation. "B-but we managed to work out a few issues and they're willing to give you one more chance."
I...fucking...hate it here.
"Handyman..." Twilight says in an almost pleading tone. You can still feel your tense nerves straining, fighting against you as you try to keep your cool. No matter how hard you fight though, the urge to tear this place apart brick by brick gnaws at your core. "We barely scraped by this time. I'm afraid that one more mistake, no matter how little, is all they will need. After that, they will send you away.
"I'm sorry," Twilight continues, her words doing very little to settle you. "but you need to get yourself under control."
I AM under control!
"These outbursts of yours are out of hoof. You've made significant improvement over time, don't get me wrong, but you're still on the border of being-"
"Being what!?" The words escape you before you could even register your mouth moving. You know what she wanted to say; You don't want to hear it, but part of you yearns for the words to come out of her mouth. It's almost as if you're looking for a reason to hate her and you can't seem to grasp why. You don't want to hate any of them, but with the way things have been going lately it almost feels like things would be easier if they did.
All I need is one good reason...
Twilight seems to crack a bit, taking exception to this of your many outbursts. "Of being caged up like some kind of animal!"
Finally...
A surge of electricity bursts through your being as your body moves on autopilot and you rise from your seat, ignoring Twilight calling out your name curiously as you walk over to the locked door the two of you were trapped behind. You feel your leg twitch as it lifts and heaves forward. The sole of your foot meets the door with a loud bang and the metal barrier buckles from the impact, the lock breaking, hinges snapping apart as the door is forced from its place and sails to the other side of the hallway. The door lands unceremoniously onto the floor and your legs carry you into the hallway. The sudden burst of energy you feel wavers after having vented out some of your frustration and you come to a stop after only taking four steps out. Taking a breath, you feel your nerves settle some; not by much, but the sudden urge to hurt the nearest living thing is gone now.
A shuffling to your left captures your attention. You turn to see the guard who brought you here, to this room, to this building. She scrambles to get back to her hooves, a vicious gaze locking with your person as her eyes find you. Her eyes narrow at you as she takes a defensive stance. As angry as you are, you can't find it in you to play this game with her. Your shoulders slump as you resign yourself to your fate, accepting the inevitability of your coming captivity. "I'd like to go back to my cell now..."
The mare eyes you expectantly, waiting to see what your next move is.
"Handyman!" Twilight calls out as she comes rushing out of the room, stopping at your side as she looks up at you. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to say that! I really didn't! It's just been so hard lately! The incident itself, the hearing, the entire mess I had to go through so they wouldn't send you away-"
"I know Twilight," you cut in, unable to look her in the face as you continue your staredown with the guardsmare. Part of you wanted this, but you feel so empty now. It hurts, but you did, in a way, wish this upon yourself. "I don't blame you. I did this to myself." You feel the life leave your voice, the crushing weight of hopelessness overtaking you as it coils around your form like an eager serpent preparing to devour its prey. "Thank you, really; for everything you've done. I just need some time alone right now to think."
You push past the teary eyed alicorn, taking a few steps closer to the guard, who loses her defensive stance as even she can see that you've simply given up. "My cell, please."
The guardsmare finally blinks as she turns her gaze to the purple princess standing behind you. For a second, you can swear you see her flash the alicorn with a look of sympathy. Her attention returns to you and the mare nods sternly, turning tail and leading you back to the holding room. You waste no time walking after her, eager for this meeting to be over so you can get on with your...nothingness.
"Handyman..." Twilight's voice rings out weakly from behind you.
Still, you do not dare look at her as you follow your guide. "Go home, Twilight."
Feeling oddly cold as you are led back to the place you will likely be staying for another few weeks, you slip your hands into your pockets. With your head hung low as you walk, you recall a song from your world. You can hear the words so clearly in your head, playing along with your stride almost mockingly. Something about the way it sounded, the way it was played and how the artist sang this made it feel so personal. Since coming here, you often found yourself reminiscing and replaying the lyrics in your head at times like these, where you feel you've sunken to your lowest once again. It's not an uplifting tune, but it's one you enjoy. You find yourself humming to the nonexistent symphony playing in your mind, soon reaching the end of the chorus as the guardsmare unlocks the door to the holding room and opens it.
Looking into the room, you see your cell, along with Jade, who is curled up on the floor, napping in the one right next to it. Her ear twitches as the combined steps of both yourself and the guard echo through the room while you're being placed back into your home for one last time. The door to your cell is closed as you step in and routinely march over to your bench, taking your usual seat. Your eyes move to watch the mare leaving the room. There's a moment of hesitation in her steps, a pause as she glances back at you and opens her mouth. You wait patiently for the words that never leave, watching her eyes shift and her ears fold before she closes her mouth and exits, closing the door behind her before locking it tight.
The bang from the door is enough to rouse Jade from her slumber. The dog wiggles around some before placing her arms to the floor and lifting her upper body. She lets out an admittedly cute yawn as her eyes strain to stay open in the well-lit room. Meanwhile, you've preoccupied yourself by staring down at the ground. You can still feel that constricting grasp, like your chest is being compressed from all directions. In a way, you feel you've made the worst breakthrough of your life. Twilight, one of your most loyal friends, finally spoke her mind. Even if she didn't mean what she said, it still shows that the thought is there. Deep down, even she thinks of you as some kind of animal. You begin to wonder if there's even a point to continue living on in this world. This is a pony's world after all and you're just some hairless ape dragging its feet in the hoofsteps of your spiteful, equine god. You've tried changing; you've tried to adapt to this world and its rules. You've met their royalty, befriended those you could, but nothing ever really changed on your end. Ponies have always been skeptical of you with only a few brave souls who would come up to you either out of morbid or sexual curiosity. Most of the ponies you have met either want something from you or desire your immediate departure. There are only eight ponies here who have actually tried to assist you, but even they have their limits. They have lives, jobs and family obligations. They can't be there to help you all of the time, often leaving you to wander blind and attempt to figure things out on your own.
There's nothing left for me here.
There are no words for how much you hate this place and pretty much everything in it. As it stands, you've met virtually no one who understands you. Berry has been the most understanding, but even she is lost on a lot of your natural instincts, which are just as alien to her as your own name is to this whole planet. You're just too different. No one will ever truly understand you. You will always be made to suffer through this nightmare alone. The only one that seems to get it is-
"I don't like that look..." Jade's concerned tone reaches your ears and pulls you out of your thoughts. You weakly lift your head and look over at the dog. You notice that she is struggling to make eye contact with you, seeming to be forcing herself not to look away. "I don't know what you're thinking about, but please stop."
Jade has mentioned several times that she can tell how you're feeling simply by looking into your eyes. You weren't really sure what to make of that at first, still thinking her to be crazier than a June Bug in July. However, times like this continue to cement her words. She may not know what you are thinking, but she can use what she does see to read you to a certain degree. It shows her when you are strong and when you are weak. You can only imagine that she's seeing nothing more than a scared child waiting to either be saved or forever consumed by the darkness that they wandered into. You feel cold, lost and ready to finally break. You feel empty and hollow, like a tree filled with termites being eaten from the inside out. You want to scream and lash out and curse at the world, but you can't find the energy or willpower to do it anymore. You've been screaming into the void for so long and nothing has screamed back despite your instigation.
Maybe I'd be better off dea-
"I said, stop it!" You blink as your senses return once more, wondering how long you've been sitting here staring at her like this. Her voice was aggressive, but not in a challenging way. You can only guess that she really wants to get you to stop zoning out. You are her only real social interaction while in this place. Must be lonely when the only source of entertainment is lost in their own world. "Are you even listening?"
"I'm in and out," you finally respond, the sound of your voice seeming to make her features drop further.
"What's going on with you?" she asks without pause, her eyes alone demanding that you answer her. "Did something happen?"
You can't help but wonder why she's so worried about your goings-on. Then again, this could just go back to you being the only one to actually sit down and talk with her. The ponies here give her about as much attention as they give you. You figure that you might as well indulge her. "Twilight came in today."
Jade's brow raises at the mention of the alicorn. "The purple, pony princess?"
You've mentioned Twilight and her friends once or twice to Jade, but aside from what little they did to help you adjust to your new life, there wasn't much to tell. "That's her."
"...And?"
Your heart pounds furiously as you recall your earlier conversation with Twilight. You can feel your leg starting to shake as you inform Jade and remind yourself of what is to come should you cross your already-paper-thin line. "They want me to go to Manehattan to serve a two year sentence. She managed to talk them out of it, but that's their plan. Just one more fuck up and I'm gone."
"No..." Jade's pupils constrict to the size of pinpricks as she hears this, her head slowly shaking from side to side as she is overtaken by the shock of the news. "That's...That's not right. Why would they want to do that to you?"
You can only shrug as you respond to this, "What can I say? Maybe it's just my charm."
The shock Jade is feeling quickly gives way for something else, something much more powerful. You see nothing but anger filling her from top to bottom. If looks could kill, her gaze would melt the bars separating the two of you. In the blink of an eye, she is standing up straight and tall. Just as quick, she lunges at the door to her cell and grasps the bars in her paws, shaking it back and forth. The door moves as far as the internal lock will allow, giving it enough wiggle for the door to bang as she thrusts it back and forth. The clanging of the metal is annoying enough on its own as she struggles against the solid structure keeping her in place.
"What are you doing?" you ask from your seat. Not for actually not knowing, but wondering why she's even trying to get out in the first place.
"I am getting us out of here!" Jade growls as she continues to force the door back and forth to no avail.
Letting out a sigh, you stand up and walk to the front of your cell, getting as close as you can to her. "You and I both know that you can't get through that door."
"I have to try!"
You can admire her tenacity, but this is pointless. "Why?"
Jade ceases her assault on the door, taking a break to catch her breath. Her paws never leave their spot, staying tightly clenched around the metal rods keeping you both in your respective cages. Struggling to catch her breath, she replies between pants, "We don't...belong...here."
You don't even have it in you to be frustrated by the situation, still pushing the matter so she can come to her senses. "There's no point. Besides, breaking out would just give them more reason to send me away before I even get out."
In a flash of movement, Jade is standing directly in front of you, her paws now grabbing onto the fabric of your shirt and tearing it a solid six inches down the middle from the neck as she pulls you against the metal rods between the two of you. Her eyes stare up into your own, the fury from before never wavering. "I will not let them take you from me!"
You blink in surprise at her words, watching her anger seep away into sadness. Tears well up in her eyes, sobs - that she is desperately trying to hold back - escaping from her in waves before she releases her hold on your shirt and wraps you in a desperate embrace. The dog buries her muzzle into your chest as she grips your body like a vice, as if fearful that you would simply vanish the moment her grip slackens. "I don't want to lose you..."
The pounding in your chest from earlier doubles as you find your arms moving between the bars to return the rather forceful hug she pulled you into. Once again, you find your mind wandering. You wonder if maybe you're not just company to her. Maybe she actually cares about you. Your so-called friends have gone through some crazy things to defend you, but this dog is the only one to attempt to break you out of jail. Feeble thought it may have been, the thought alone is comforting. She's also the only one to ever cry like this over you. The second she heard that you would be sent away, she lost it. The fact that you're not even being sent away yet means nothing beyond the fact that you could. Then it occurs to you, the realization hitting like a freight train. How did you not see it sooner?
You wouldn't just be going away from here, from Ponville. You would be away from her, with no way to speak to the only creature to ever make you feel like you might belong somewhere. You feel your arms tighten around her as the last two weeks plays out in your head; her pretty little face, the long talks, holding each other at night. In a way, you've come to rely on this dog, her presence filling you with a bizarre form of comfort that you cannot identify. With her around, you don't feel as alone. Every corner doesn't feel as dark when she's there and you can't seem to wrap your brain around it. You haven't known her for long, but you feel a connection - one whose name eludes you. Should you be sent away though, that connection would be broken and you likely would not see her for a very long time. Your hushed whispers, the warmth of her breath on your neck as you sleep, those eyes that stare into your own and see a whole side of you that you can't even fathom; it would all be gone and there would be nothing you could do about it.
Jade's sobbing changes tune and there's an odd, wet warmth on your chest that causes you to look down. There you see that cute face again, eyes closed and soaked with tears. Small cries continue to escape her in short bursts, only to get cut off as she sticks out her flat tongue and gently licks up the center of your chest through the new opening in your shirt. Little hums escape her as she does this as well, seeming to calm her a bit. It's strange, but you find it oddly adorable and you-
I don't want to lose this.
Jade stops in the middle of her ministrations and looks up at you as she feels your arms leave her. You take a step back, examining the dog before turning and starting to slowly pace around your cell. Things have suddenly become more complicated and, for the first time in a while, you need to really think this through. Everything seems to be happening so fast, despite how all of this has been moving at a snail's pace from the beginning. Mentally cursing yourself, you push and push for an idea; something that could make it alright. However, nothing substantial comes to mind. There are simply too many variables at play here. You feel stumped, defeated as you come to a stop at the furthest end of your cell. For a moment, you consider trusting your instincts. While they haven't been the best at keeping you out of trouble, it's the only thing that feels right to you.
The door to the cell room opens before you can speak, pulling both yours and Jade's attention. A younger unicorn pony lazily trots in, her mane haphazardly tied into a ponytail. If not for the lingering stench of spiced rum coming off of her, you might have bothered to wonder why she's practically dragging her hooves during her approach. The mare makes her way directly to Jade's cell before magicing a set of keys from her hip and unlocking the door. "Alright, mutt. It's time to go."
Your eyes move to Jade, who glances back and forth between the two of you before resting her gaze on the hungover guard pony. "Go where?" she asks cautiously. "I was already outside today."
The guard grumbles in frustration before pulling the cell door open. "Back to whatever hole you crawled out of! Now let's go; I don't have the bucking patience to deal with you sniffing around for a place to piss all day."
You useless, sack of meat...
You're not sure when you had moved, but you did. Standing at the front of your cell, your hands gripping the bars, you begin to pull them apart. There's a horrible creaking sound that emanated through the room as the metal warps in your grasp. Your eyes are locked onto the mare, who is staring back at you in delightful fear. Releasing your hold on the bars, having spread them just enough to peek your head through, you lean forward and stare at her from just outside of your cell. "I will only tell you this once," you begin in a cold, soft tone. "Never. Ever. Speak to her like that."
This short interaction proves more than enough to sober her up. Even so, the mare reacts a bit more instinctively than you had expected. Dropping her keys, she turns tails and runs out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Satisfied, you retract your body back into your cell and make quick work of pushing the bars back into place. Just as you finish, you hear the door next to you close and lock. Looking over, you see Jade, still standing in her cell, a set of keys in her paw that she quickly discards. Tossing the keys on the other side of the room, the dog steps away from the now-locked door and stands in her usual spot just beside your own little cage.
"...Why?" you find yourself asking, dumbfounded by her actions.
"I already told you," Jade says genuinely, her eyes almost shining as she stares at you. "I don't want to lose you." You feel your heart pounding in your chest. Unlike the many other times in your life, it does not beat out of anger or rage. Neither frustration nor fury work their poison into your veins as you begin unconsciously closing the distance between the two of you.
"I don't care how long it takes, Beasty." Jade continues as you come to a stop in front of her, placing your hands on the bars separating you from one another. You note that this is the first time she's called you - anything, really. Not even once since being here has she referred to you as Handyman, despite having heard the guards say it several dozen times. It's a bit odd initially, but it also feels nice somehow. "I'm not going to leave here until you do."
You blink a few times in surprise, feeling a long-overdue smile grow on your normally neutral face. If the tables had been turned, you honestly feel that you would do the same. Scratch that, you would twist these bars so that the door couldn't be opened until she could come with you. That feeling fills your chest again, the one you can't quite describe. The intensity only seems to grow as the two of you stare into each other's eyes. As if being led by some unseen force, the two of you start leaning in, eyes lidding on their own. What little distance remains between your faces becomes non-existent as your lips meet gently between the bars.
The warmth in your chest explodes as your heart races enough for you to feel it in your fingertips. It doesn't occur to you that the bars between you have started to spread apart, leaving a massive gap large enough for you to reach out and pull her into your cell. Her paws run along your back for a moment before reaching down to tear away your already ripped shirt. Meanwhile, you've worked your hands onto the neck of her vest, pulling it off of her in one motion and discarding the item onto the floor. The two of you press against each other ravenously, your tongues intermingling as you begin to explore each other's bodies through what you can touch and grab. The lights in the room die, signaling the end of the day. In the cover of darkness, you and Jade simply allow your instincts to take hold and guide you through what comes naturally.