//------------------------------// // In Which Pinkie Pie Is Incensed // Story: Retreating Rationale (an author's worst nightmare) // by LordBarcha //------------------------------// Lightning shot down from cloudy skies, illuminating the flat roof of the Astronomy tower in central Canterlot.  An orange pony cowered in one corner, trying desperately to hide herself among the smooth stones. Brightly shining, the figure of Celestia stood grinning in the center of the floor.  Guards swooped down from the sky, surrounding her. “Princess, what is the meaning of this?  Why are you attacking our charge?”  A nameless pegasus begged. “I’m not attacking her!” Celestia cried, “And you can keep guarding her, ON THE MOON!” With a bolt of magic, the guards vanished, apparently transported to the lunar surface. “I had forgotten how much fun tyranny is,”  Celestia commented, as she strode closer to the cowering figure,  “Now, just relax and calm down.  I’m just going to violently teleport you to the moon, or at least, somewhere in that area of the sky.  It’s always so hard to hit a moving target” “Wait!” protested Applejack, “Since when are you a tyrant?”  She tried to bolt, but the princess simply stepped to one side. “Keep running, Applejack!  Straight TO THE MOON!”  Celestia quipped.  Another shot of golden magic flowed over the tower, and the orange figure disappeared. “Who needs narrators, anyway?”  Celestia asked, “You can narrate, FROM THE MOON” With a flash, the scenery changed to a marble floor.  High arching columns arced gracefully up to a ceiling nearly a mile above.  Through clear quartz at the top, a small green and blue smear was visible.  “So this is the moon?” one guard asked. “OF COURSE!”  A voice boomed from a balcony at one corner of the room, “DO YOU THINK I WOULD DO NOTHING FOR A THOUSAND YEARS?” “Princess Luna?”         The alicorn, rather than answering, simply leapt from the balcony, flying hundreds of feet into the air.   She floated there, drifting slowly downward.  “Blasted low gravity, it doesn’t even let me fall right!  That was supposed to be a dramatic entrance!”          A bearded unicorn on one corner mumbled to himself, “Gravity doesn’t work like that.  She should be taking just as much time to fall as it did going up, no more, no less.  It’s like we’re in a piece of fiction written by somebody who has no idea about how physics works, but wants to show off how smart he is.”         “Princess, what happened?”  begged one of the guards. “From what I can tell,” exposited Luna, “My sister, who has never once shown anything but benevolence and forgiveness, has gone mad.  This madness has resulted in her sending people at random to the moon for nothing more than her amusement.  Most absurdly of all, it would seem that my insane alter ego, Nightmare Moon, built a marble palace on the moon while waiting for her thousand years to be up.  This is rendered all the more absurd by the fact that there is no marble on the moon.  the moon is made of cheese with a core of incredibly dense matter making up for the excess mass.” Without any warning at all, a pink pony appeared from one corner of the room, screaming, “Duck!  Scene break incoming!” *SCENE BREAK*         It is a little known fact that seizing attention is a cyclic system.  As flamboyance and other factors rise, the amount of attention gathered increases.  However, if pushed too far, the amount of attention loops back around until the person is effectively invisible.  Indeed, most observers find themselves looking in the opposite direction for no discernable reason.         This particular skill was eventually refined by a long line of assassins, who would walk through entire secure facilities wearing the most absurd costumes, and never be noticed, much less caught.  Unfortunately, they rapidly discovered that because people refused to acknowledge their existence, they refused to believe that they had been killed.  After the third zombie incident in a row, they finally agreed to give up the assassin's trade in exchange for a sizable monthly stipend.   These skills waxed over generations of assassins turned thieves until a true master was born.  This master was so excellent at this skill, she occasionally managed to do so both without a costume and without trying. Hooves clattered against the ground as Rarity rushed toward the library.  Overhead, a rainbow streak cut through the sky, growing ever closer.  Solid oak doors flew open with a crash and the pair landed unceremoniously in the center of the room.         Outside, the sun suddenly set, then rose again.  “You really must watch where you’re going, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity huffed, “my mane is an absolute disaster.”         “Sorry, Rarity, I kinda got distracted and didn’t see you.”         A door slammed open, revealing a purple mare in a white lab coat.  From behind her, long streams of paper spilled across the floor.  Rushing past the pair lying on the floor, the decidedly maniacal mare shot past them.         Rainbow Dash blocked her path, demanding, “What’s going on, Twilight?  I haven’t seen you this bad in a while.  Is it Celestia going insane, the fact that Cadence was actually a changeling all along, and that Chrysalis was her daughter, or all the stuff Pinkie Pie has been babbling about lately?”         Instead of answering, Twilight levitated a set of books from  the shelves and fled back down into the basement.                  “Wait, what was that about Pinkie Pie?”  Rarity asked.         “She’s been babbling about something called the ‘Plot Continuum’.  She also said something about ‘The worst of all possible worlds’ and ‘the badfics’, whatever they are.” A pink head poked out from between two books, shouting, “Watch out!  The author is terrible at dialogue!  He’s going to use an overly meta moment to distract you, then end the scene!” *SCENE BREAK*            “This madness has only one possible cause!”  Luna shouted to the guards as they chased her through the palace. She burst through the gate, and slammed into the statue of Discord, which fell to one side, utterly lifeless.  Her horn glowed as she examined the fallen tyrant.  Suddenly, she gasped and recoiled from the thing.         “Princess!  What is wrong?”  The guard asked.         “The binding spell is still entirely intact, but Discord’s life-force is not present within it.  He is dead!”         “Why would the author kill him off?”  Pinkie Pie asked from her perch on Luna’s back, “Now he won’t be able to resolve the plot holes he’s been making.”         Luna considered asking where she had come from, but decided it might be best to just forget it.  Backing away from the fallen villain, she jumped in shock as Pinkie Pie suddenly started wailing.         “NO!”  Screeched Pinkie Pie, “He wouldn’t DARE!  Run for your life, Luna.  If you spend much more time in the spotlight, he’ll notice you.”         “What are you talking ab-” Luna started to say, before a glazed expression crossed her face, “Pinkie Pie, have I ever told you how much I like your mane?”         “What was that?”         Blushing furiously, the princess tried to hug her.                  “No.  Don’t do this to me.”         “I love you!”         Pinkie struck Luna across the face.  Hard.  “You’re better than this!  Don’t let him control you!  Snap out of it!”         Luna leapt onto her, lips puckered.  Pinkie pushed her away, looking decidedly less fluffy.         “Author!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she fled the increasingly amorous princess, “I swear!  I will find you!  I can deal with bad dialogue, terrible pacing, and huge plot holes, but this is too far!  You’ve destroyed my friends, and made this world a disaster in all but name.”   In her search for a hiding place, she eventually settled on a nearby hedge maze.  As she turned the first corner, she nearly tripped over a blue unicorn.  She skidded to a halt and stared at the spectacle before her.  Celestia sat in a corner, lips locked with Trixie.  Opening an eye, she broke the kiss.   “Moon.” *SCENE BREAK* Hi!  My name is Empress Seraphis Angelus Bacon Cavallo Mangiatore Ebony Smith, but you can just call me Seraphis Angelus Bacon Cavallo Mangiatore Ebony Smith.   I’m a young alicorn with a cutie mark cutie mark.  It means I’m talented in everything!  Everypony loves me. Today, while out exploring the mines, I found an enchanted sword forged by the last king of Atlantis for my exclusive use.  After thrashing Chrysalis and Celestia with it, I almost broke down.  Why has fate been so cruel to me?  It gave me stunning looks, every possible skill, and riches beyond imagining, but they can’t fill the void in my heart.  Only my palace and various love interests can comfort me.  *sigh*  Life is so ha- With a thump, the black alicorn collapsed to the ground. “No.” said Pinkie Pie, “There will be no more terrible self-inserts.  This has to stop.” *SCEN- “Oh no you don’t, Author.  I’m the main character now.  This story is about me fixing your messes,  so do your wo-” End of Chapter 1 A/N:  Is it always this hard to control characters? AotA/N (Author of the Author’s note): This is a parody.  Obviously.  My thanks go out to LieutenantLafayette, who helped proof the mess.  Also incensed is an archaic form of “Enraged”