Slumped into my couch, Starlight Glimmer frowns. “You know,” she says, “you’re a lot shorter than I expected.”
Twilight closes my fridge and frowns back at her. “Oh. Sorry?”
“It’s not a bad thing! Just a surprise, considering how tall the Princess is.” Starlight watches Twilight, bottle of water in hand, head back to her seat. And as soon as Twilight walks close enough, Starlight leans forward and sniffs her. “You don’t smell the same either!”
Twilight leaps away like a startled deer, face going red. I grab Starlight’s shoulder and pull her backwards, hard, into the couch cushions.
A small piece of me regrets inviting Starlight to crash at my place during her visit to Earth. Not that she’s unfriendly (she’s very friendly), but she demands a lot of attention. And with finals coming up, the last thing I need is a babysitting gig. But I can’t ignore a fellow unicorn-turned-human in need — what kind of host would that make me?
So as she whines in my grip, I put on my toothiest grin. “Starlight,” I say, “do you remember what I said about personal space?”
She blinks at me, then gasps. “Right, right, sorry!” she says, turning to Twilight. “I forgot how fussy humans can be about this sort of stuff.”
“It’s alright. I think.” Twilight smoothes out her skirt and takes a seat in my other chair, then quietly asks, “Did I smell good?”
“Absolutely! Like fresh kiwi.”
That gets a smile out of Twilight. “Oh! Well, thank you then.”
I nudge Starlight. “You wouldn’t believe how many different kinds of body wash we have here.”
“I’m sure I wouldn’t,” Starlight monotones, sending my nudge right back. “Is that my next Human Culture lesson?”
“Nah, Rarity’s probably the best teacher for that. All I have is the crappy grocery store brand stuff.” What am I, a millionaire?
“Then can I learn more about hands?” Starlight lifts her hands and starts balling her fists. “I thought only monkeys had these!”
Twilight sits up straighter and puts on her Ready to Lecture Face. “Astute observation! You see—”
“These hands, these limbs — they’re amazing!” Starlight runs her palms down her neck, her breasts, her stomach. “Pony legs aren’t nearly this flexible. I just want to touch myself all over!”
Turning red again, Twilight looks away. I grab one of Starlight’s hands and pull it away from her crotch. Thank the Goddess that the portal gave her pants. “Please don’t do that.”
“Horseapples, can you not teach me that either?” Starlight crosses her arms. “Who’s the ‘How to do weird things with my human body’ teacher then? Pinkie Pie, I’m guessing?”
“That’s not on our lesson plan!” I yelp, shaking my head.
Starlight rolls her eyes. “Fine. So what is on the lesson plan? I’m ready to learn!”
“Well,” says Twilight, the blush still draining from her cheeks, “one of the best ways to bridge gaps between distant cultures is with food. I believe Sunset went ahead and picked out a meal for you to try?”
“Yep, it’s on the way.” I hold my head high and lean back into the couch. “Three Extra Large Mondo Messy Cheese-Bean-Avocado-Salsa-Lard Gut Check Tacos, fresh from Uncle Jalapeño’s Canterlot Snack Shack.”
Starlight squints at me. Twilight goes pale this time.
“Sunset,” she says, pulling at her hair, “this is her first experience with Earth cuisine, and you pick the single greasiest, saltiest, artery-blockingest meal from the cheapest place in town?!”
“Trust me, there are cheaper,” I say, waving off her concerns. I should know — I’ve got all their menus memorized. “And are you saying that disgusting fast food isn’t typical human cuisine?”
Twilight runs her jaw wordlessly for a sec, then groans. “Okay, yes, maybe, but still!”
“Who cares if I ruin my human body,” Starlight says with a scoff. “I’m leaving in two days anyway!” She leans closer to me. “Do we know if heart disease crosses dimensions?”
“Considering my eczema does, I’m pretty sure heart disease could make the trip.”
Starlight snorts. “Of course.”
“That’s not the only thing we’ve got planned tonight,” I say. I gesture to my teaching partner. “There’s a reason I invited Twilight over: We gotta teach you about anime. It’s gonna blow your mind.”
“I’ve consulted thirty top-rated ‘Anime for Beginners’ lists online, cross-referenced it with my own opinions, and collated the results.” Twilight pulls a stack of colorful graph paper out of her bag. “Research says we should start you off with Lucky Girl, Lucky Cat — an absolute shoujo classic. I’ve also put a few of my favorite ‘How It’s Made’ videos into the playlist, as a sort of industrial palette cleanser.”
I grab one of my controllers from the coffee table. “And video games too! Moonlight Mage 3, Death Dance GX… By the time you leave, you’re gonna be a true gamer, just like us!”
Twilight holds a hand over her heart. “It’s a lifestyle.”
“Video games?” Starlight says. “We have those in Equestria. Aren’t they for foals—kids, I mean?”
Twilight and I gasp nearly hard enough to suck Starlight's beanie off her head.
“Slander!” I cry.
“It’s a common view, but a short-sighted one,” Twilight says, pushing up her glasses. “Gaming is an incredibly mature hobby. Studies show that they train hand-eye coordination, logical deduction, and even leadership skills. I have the literature saved on my laptop, if you want to read it.”
“And all the best games are filled with blood and guts and exploding skulls,” I say, giggling and wiggling my hands in Starlight’s face. “Definitely not for kids.”
Starlight flits her eyes back-and-forth between us, looking bizarrely unimpressed. “Uh-huh.”
Oh, normies. They’ll never understand.
I press the power button on my controller. “Let’s get started — Twilight’s got a curfew, so I hope you’re a fast learner.”
Twilight claps her hands. “I can stay out until 9 p.m. on the weekends!”
“Sure, sure. Just one little thing before we get started...” Starlight stares at the bottle of water sloshing around in Twilight’s hands and squeezes her legs tight together. “How do you go to the bathroom in this body?”
Dead quiet. Twilight and I lock eyes.
I smile at her, trying to beam my thoughts directly into her mind. This sounds like a great cross-dimensional learning experience for you!
She raises a single eyebrow.
I sigh and take Starlight’s hand. “I’ll handle this. Twi, pick a game for Starlight to try out.”
“Can do,” Twilight says, saluting. As I lead Starlight to the bathroom, she takes the controller and flips through my game library. “I’m thinking we start with a rhythm game — music is a universal language!”
Starlight doesn’t say anything while we walk, but as soon as we step into the bathroom and close the door, she offers me a sheepish smile. “Thanks again, Sunset. For all of this. Putting up with me.”
“No thanks needed. I’m the one who brought you through the portal, remember?”
“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure the whole thing was my idea.” She looks at the closed bathroom door, and her smile shrinks. “I do feel kinda bad, though. Didn’t mean to third-wheel you and Twilight.”
I chuckle. “What do you mean? You’re my friend too.”
For a moment, Starlight’s expression changes into one of complete confusion. But soon enough, her grin comes back. “Right, you’re right! Yeah!”
Is it really that hard for her to believe that I consider her a friend? Goddess, that’s depressing. Reminds me of myself a half-year ago: So caught up in my own mistakes that I wouldn’t — or couldn’t — let anybody get close.
The sight of Starlight tugging at her jeans brings me out of the memory. “I noticed that absolutely everyone in this world wears clothes,” she says. “If I take these off, do I die?”
This is going to be a long night.