Soft piano music wafted through the restaurant carried on by hushed indistinguishable conversations. Wine bottles clackled together as couples ordered the finest Equestria had to offer and faint yet prevalent scents of foods most ponies would never dream of eating filled the air around the quaint summer villa inspired architecture. And though nobody would say, and much to her dismay, the focus was not on the food or the wine or even the music. Instead it was on the Princess of Friendship and that nights companion, one BLOOD DEATH, savior of the Crystal Empire and all the ponies witheld.
Twilight was as red as a ripe tomato. BLOOD DEATH, instead of eating like anybody else, instead decided that flinging the food into his mouth with a fork in the style of a catapult was the way to go. This certainly wasn’t how Twilight had seen her evening ging. She was supposed to be hundreds of miles away in the realm of Maretania meeting with their rulers to hash out a new trade deal, not on some pity date with the dumbest stallion since… since…
Twilight's thought train was derailed when she noticed how the ponies around her were reacting to BLOOD DEATH. Instead of abhorrent disgust or anger at the ruining of what was supposed to be a quiet dinner, the ponies were instead captivated by BLOOD DEATHs every move. By now He had begun trying to see how high he could waterfall some Fleur de Pantalon 874, an exceptionally rare wine, before it started splattering all over his face. Twilight had estimated he was at about 4 feet up.
She supposed that if nobody was really upset by his actions then she shouldn’t be herself. After all. What sort of representative of Equestria would she be if she didn’t agree with her subjects?
BLOOD DEATH coughed and threw his wine glass across the room. Everypony except for Twilight cheered and clapped. All she could muster was a nervous giggle before BLOOD DEATH opened his mouth.
“Twilight, I’m worried that isn’t the last of Walter we have seen.”
Twilight about spit out the wine she wasn’t drinking.
Is this mfer seriously planning shit?
“Yes, I am. I can read minds, that's one of my powers you know.”
Well, captain dipshit. Maybe you can tell me why you are such an idiot! We have contact with another world and you KILL one of the first to come across!?!
“First off, he shot at me, and second off, that ain’t no way to talk to your baby momma.”
B-baby mother!?!
BLOOD DEATH reached under the table and pulled out a hideous abomination, something that made Twilight’s stomach churn.
Twilight’s jaw dropped to the floor. She was far too flabbergasted to truly comprehend this preposterous rabble rousing buffoon in front of her presenting this misproportioned infant demon child unto her observant orbs, and insinuating that this horrid affront to God was her son just made the whole predicament all that more burdensome to engage with.
“That thing can’t be mine!”
“You bet your thick thighs he is. What, did you become an alicorn yesterday? DIdn't Celestia teach you this shit already?”
Twilight remembered what her teacher/mom had said to her just before her transformation.
You’ve come such a long looong way, and I’ve watched you from that very first daaaay. Bythewayneverlookamalealicornintheireyesoryou’llgetthempregnant. To see where you might go, to see…
“Oh my god.” Twilight facehoofed.
“Pony Jesus Christ, Twilight. This is day one shit. Ffs.”
Twilight grimaced. “How did you… you know, get him out?”
“Like a hyena. Yeah. There ain’t nothing going on down there now. 2000 years keeping my dick intact and then some rookie nonce goes and fucks it all up.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know!”
“Tell that to the tattered remains of my flaccid cock. Anyway, I’m gonna be expecting alimony and childcare checks in the mail by monday.”
“But we were never married!”
“Bruh.”
As it turned out, Marriage between alicorns was determined when you look into their eyes. Thik about it, have you ever seen Celestia and Luna looking eachother in the eyes? Exactly. Twilight is such a moron.
Meanwhile, in New Mexico
Waltuh stood in front of Planet Fitness. The asphalt cracked under his sheer weight. Gymbrahs were basically on a revolving door going in and out, yet he could still see plenty of available machines. Planet Fitness™, for the ones who get it done.
The idea of walking in with no prior experience was intimidating. What would others think? A 600 pound man trying to lose weight? As if!
Waltuh sorta felt a hand smack his back. The nerves had long since stopped being able to feel, as he was just so fat.
“Don’t worry brah. I can see your hesitance to come inside, but this is a judgment free zone.”
The man that stood before him was insanely buff. Bros muscles had muscles. He was truly THE Gigachad.
“Come inside MEEEEE!” Walter explained like a repressed homosexual who is violently homophobic but finally came out of the closet.
“What?”
“What?”
Twilight paced around her castle room trying to contemplate the shitstorm she was in. Spike kinda just sat on the sidelines. Fuck Spike. Dumb bitch.
“I can't be a father! I haven’t even had sex before!”
“Hey, keep it PG13 Twilight!”
“Shut the fuck up Spike!”
At that very moment Spike coughed up a note. It bore the Royal Seal, a letter from Celestia no doubt.
Spike unfurled the letter. “Dear Twilight, Congratulations on the kid! Also, shut the fuck up, Spike. I can’t hear your dumb bitch ass but I know your yapping like a total ass rn.” Spike quickly scrawled on the back of the note something Twilight couldn’t see. He burped the spell that sent the letter back without much effort.
“Spike… if Celestia knows, then so does Luna! She is my waifu Spike! MY WAIFU!!!” Twilight grabbed Spike and shook him while emphasizing that Luna was indeed her waifu for laifu uWu. Remember kids, if you are angry at a baby, make sure to shake them!
“Oh Twilight, I’m sure Luna would understand having baggage from previous relationshi-”
EXPLOSIONSANDBRICKSFALLINGDOWNSOUND
Celestia had demolished one of the walls and grabbed Spike magically.
“BIIIITCH!!! THE FUUCK DID YOU CALL ME‽‽‽”
Spike slapped Celestia. “Bitch, I meant what I said. Now if you don’t get your dirty ass shit stained hoofs-” Celestia threw Spike against the wall and blasted him with a spell that he screamed ‘aaah oh nooooo’ at. Dumb bitch.
Walter and Gigachad were doing some sick curls facing each other and talking about Walter's experiences in Equestria. Walter had gotten in using Gigachads free friend perk. Planet Fitness: we welcome everyone!
“...and that is why I must get buff, Gigachad. I must get revenge for my Student/friend, Jesse Pinkman.”
“Whoa bro. Thats deep.” Gigachad seemed uneasy, as though something was weighing on his mind. Walter, do you know what fusion is?”
“Like nuclear fusion? Not intimately, but I am a chemist so I am familiar.”
“No, not that kind of fusion. The kind in which we go inside of each other.”
Walters eyes rolled into the back of his head.
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWT!”
Gigachad shook his head and stood up. “Here, follow after me.”
The mountain of muscle began to do a goofy looking dance that involved many moments where he spun around and did a twirl. Walter followed along carefully, even if his body around him did not want him to do so. For Jesse, anything was possible. But with much effort the dance was complete, and Walter was drenched in sweat.
Gigachad performed his final cha du gra and proclaimed “And now we touch tips.” Walter was halfway down his zipper when Gigachad stopped him.
“No, like this.”
There was a flash of light and a loud popping sound. Not so much unlike the sound a butt plug makes when yanked from the tight twink asshole of a cute sub femboy. I’m sure all of you reading are intimately familiar with that sound.
“I. FEEL. AMAAAZING!!!!!!”
The inner voice inside of Waltuh’s new form called out to him.
“And now, we train.”
One year later...
Ponies cheered all around. Even a whole ass year after having ‘saved’ Equestria, BLOOD DEATH’s victory was still being celebrated. He stood atop a giant float adorned with his equally as huge head. Beside him was Twilight, his sister Luna, and the other alicorn of which he has no relation, Celestia.
“It has been a whole year and ponies are still cheering? WTF?” wilight bitched.
BLOOD DEATH rolled his eyes. “Obviously they are just happy a stallion did what 6 mares had been doing for time in memoriam. Big Stallionist W.”
“Truly you have broken the glass ceiling holding down stallions for so long. Congratulations brother.” Luna gave a warm, genuine smile that only someone who deeply cared for you could offer.
Celestia, who had been otherwise emotionless during the parade, shared her sisters smile. “Yes, you are right my sister. This stallion of which I have no relation will be a shining beacon of positivity for stallions everywhere. I hope to be as influential in my lifetime.”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “You have been the ruler of Equestria for 1000 fucking years!”
Celestia didn’t falter even through her students' crass words. “You are right, Twilight.”
“Thank you!”
“...I really have been ruler for far to long…”
“What!?”
Celestia waved her hoof and the procession came to a halt. Ponies stopped cheering, wondering what had happened. Many hushed words were exchanged as Celestia flapped her wings and took flight.
“Ponies of Equestria. For many years I have ruled this land, even knowing that I directly benefited from the oppressive power structure that our great nation has unfortunately upheld for many years.”
Twilight shook her head, not believing the words that she was hearing. Celestia wasn’t about to-
“...And while I can never apologize enough to possibly even hope that I may repair all of the pain I have caused, I can do this.”
Celestia enveloped BLOOD DEATH in her magical grasp that had just been used not hours before to shake a baby and lifted the alicorn to her level.
“I have decided to step down. In my place I choose the great and powerful BLOOD DEATH, savior of Equestria, hardworking single mother, and absolute Chad, to lead us into a future of equality and peace. May his reign last many moons!”
The crowd went wild. Ponies were so excited that they shidded and farted all over. Nobody cared much tho. These are horses ffs, what do you expect? This is like a Tuesday for them.
“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!”
Gasps reverberated throughout the crowd. A cloaked man had stepped in front of the float. BLOOD DEATH and Celestia practically got whiplash from the speed in which they began soyjack pointing at the cloaked figure below.
“I CHALLENGE YOU BLOOD DEATH. FOR THE CROWN OF ALL EQUESTRIA!!!”
BLOOD DEATH, ever the opportunist, flew down to the ground to meet this man eye to eye. “And who might you be?”
The man smiled. “Has it been that long? So long that you have already forgotten my voice?” BLOOD DEATH’s heart skipped a beat.
Could it really be..?
The man chuckled and reached up and tore the cloak off revealing the most shredded being known across the multiverse.
GIGAWALTUH
BLOOD DEATH looked at him, mouth agape.
Gigawaltuh kinda just stared back like this
“So, what’ll it be, Prince!?”
BLOOD DEATH shook himself from his surprise. “If it a fight you what it is a fight you’ll get. Luna?”
Luna flew down to meet her brother. “Yes, my liege?”
“Get the royal hospital ready. I’m finna lay down a can of monarch sized whoop ass.”
“As you wish.” Luna flew away to the castle with needed haste.
BLOOD DEATH, sure he was ready to do what he had needed, began to transform.
“I AM VENGANCE.”
“Oh ffs BD…” Twilight flew down next to Gigawaltuh.
“I AM THE NIGHT!”
“No you are not! I am putting an end to this madness!”
Twilight was seconds away from shooting BLOOD DEATH with her brand new Jerifuckyoucho 941 but Walt placed his hand on her shoulder.
“Let him cook.”
Twilight felt compelled to do so by the sheer bravado exemplified in his demeanor. Yeah I pulled up a dictionary. The fuck you gonna do about it? Comment “omg this guy is using a dictionary jdnfneocnwqofmkeemstarebbbfbe”? Bitch.
“I.
AM.
BATMARE!!!!!”
Batmare got up on his table and cast a spell and cloaked himself in a dark orb before shortly reemerging in a Batmare suit reminiscent of Batman Beyond’s Batman batsuit.
If Twilight could facehoof any harder she would have to check herself into the hospital for potential CTE. “Blood Death, what the fuck are you doing.”
“I am not ‘BLOOD DEATH’ anymore! I go by Batmare now!” Batmare struck a sick pose from JoJo.
“You do not know which fuckery you have caused, Batmare! Prepare yourself!” Waltuh struck his own pose.
“AAAAAAAHHHHAAAHHHHA”
“AAAAAAAHHHAAAAAHHHAAAAH”
Waltuh and Batmar-
This is a message from the writer, Scotishbro. Due to budgetary constraints and the distinct lack of GAF, I have decided to unfortunately cut out the fight scene. Just know that it was totally cool and stuff. Yeah.
P.S. sorry for calling u a bitch earlier.
Waltuh threw a slab of concrete off of himself and spit out a glob of blood. Batmare lay up against a nearby rock, barely alive and struggling to breath.
“Did you really think you could beat me Batmare? Think Batmare, think! I had Junkai Jitsu on my side! I believed in the heart of the cards!”
Batmare tried speaking but ended up coughing blood up.
“What was that? You are soooorry?” Waltuh held up his hand to his ear.
“Ur mom.” Batmare said weakly.
“AAAAAH” Waltuh reached up and punched Batmare so hard that the caped vigilante was launched into the soil below. The godsmack was heard all aroud the world, and sent ripples throughout the multiverse.This is the moment Waltuh became Heisenwaltuh. Twilight emerged when the dust settled. Her mane was matted with blood and she walked with a limp. Bystanders siad they even saw tears stream down her face when she saw Heisenwaltuh standing over a hole, her having no doubt as to what had happened to their hero.
"Goodbye, BLOOD DEATH."
Hey Scot here again. I neglected to mention that Twilight had come around on her stance around Batmare *during* the fight. Yeah I’m not explaining.
P.S. I’m no longer sorry.
“Walter… what did you do…” Twilight was crying profusely. This had not at all been what she had wanted.
Walter turned to Twilight and simply shook his head and walked away. This has huge implications going forward on the relationship between the two worlds.
And so, a hero tragically passed before his time. For the ponies who knew him, the world had seemed to die that day. Every breeze a bit less refreshing, every cup of coffee a bit more bitter.
But even so, life went on.
FIN.
OR DID IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!
SNEAK ATTACK PREVIEW
Deep underground BLOOD DEATH lay upon a rock bed in a dark damp cave. He thought that this was his end, that even a miracle couldn’t save him. But he hadn’t met SkelleJesse.
“Nyehehehe! What do we have here, bitch? My killer, in the flesh!?!?! NYEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!”
TO BE CONTINUED…
