//------------------------------// // Lost // Story: Harmonic Cognition // by Jymbroni //------------------------------// Think, Octavia, think!  She pressed her fist into her forehead as she tried to conjure up some way of opening the portal. She knew for certain that she could travel here from the castle, but was it possible to travel back? It would be mental if somepony just created a one-way portal, right?  The more she thought about it, the stranger it seemed. Octavia regretted not paying attention more when Vinyl was using her magic. Could Vinyl even open a portal? She'd seen the DJ do incredible things with her sound crystals, but nothing as extravagant as opening the door to another dimension.   Octavia continued to rack her brain, unsure if she was even asking the right questions. She began playing back the minutes before the portal took hold of her in her head, trying to see if she was missing something. She recalled how the mirror made it abysmal during her warm-up as it unnaturally reverberated the sounds of her cello.  Why did Princess Twilight have to leave that stupid contraption in the library?  Thinking about it, Octavia didn't realize how infatuated she was with the mirror. For the most part, she would be locked into the music when rehearsing if you don't count Vinyl's subtle distractions. However, there was this burning desire that drove her toward the mirror. The crazy thing was that she had felt that desire before but couldn't place a hoof on it.    Before she could consider it further, her train of thought was violently derailed by a burlesque bump from her strapping companion. She spun on her heels, ready to lecture a certain lug of a man about the importance of personal space and softly to get somepony's attention. As their eyes met, she noticed the concern he held within them.  "Do you need something?" she asked sheepishly under his gaze. "I've been calling your name for a minute." "Ah, my apologies." Octavia looked up to see they had put some distance between them and the statue. Surveying the area more, Octavia hardly recognized anything around them except for the waterfront that seemed to cut through the city's heart. "I guess I was really lost in thought." "You can say that again," Jacen teased with a cheeky grin. "What were you thinking about?" Everything! Ever since she arrived here, her mind has been running nonstop. Mentally it was exhausting, but she needed to get back home. She needed to be with her marefriend again.  "Nothing really," she dismissed; she was not ready to entertain the thought of being stuck here forever or discuss it with Jacen. "Where are you taking me?" "You'll see." Jacen gave her a wink as he continued leading her to some mysterious location. Octavia huffed; everything up until that stupid portal, she had been able to plan, predict or have fail-safes to keep her one step ahead of life. Right now, she should be engrossed in lesson plans for her students, not dawdling around with some hairless giant. An empty sensation filled her stomach as she stared at her alien hands. She was ready to embrace this new challenge of instructing the next generation of musicians. But, in an instant, life had ripped it away from her in some cruel joke where she was the punchline. To be paraded around like a show pony in front of her giant friend until she completes her act by finding a way home.  It was utterly vexing how lost and helpless she was; she didn't even know where Jacen was taking her, and it grated her to no end. She hated being in the dark, and this whole situation felt like an endless night.    Octavia's shoulders slumped as her petty anger began to dissipate. Even though she wanted to pander to the hopeless situation, guilt tore at her as the incident she caused came to mind. Clasping her arms, Octavia chewed on her lower lip, contemplating ways to make it up to him. He had at least entertained the idea that she came through a portal, but to the degree he believed her was irrelevant. What mattered was Jacen was at least trying to understand her predicament, making the feeling of guilt even more potent. "Thank you," Octavia said softly, lowering her head. Jacen glanced down at her with a crease in his brow. "For what?" "For your kindness and understanding. I know how crazy I sound when I talk about my situation, and it means a lot when you don't make fun of me or readily dismiss me." "No worries." Jacen glanced down at her with a warm smile. "I wanted to be helpful." "You are," she reassured. "More than I deserve." Jacen blew out raspberries. "I hardly doubt that." "Honest," Octavia replied with some annoyance at his off-hand dismissal. "I don't know where I would be if it weren't for your help." Jacen tucked his chin as a warm smile creased his lips.   Octavia mirrored his smile but noticed the pain he still harbored in his eyes. Regret tightened her chest as her disembodied self watched helplessly as this stranger who shared her features tore into Jacen. But no matter how hard she tried to suppress it, her callus arrogant words played like a one-track record on a loop. Despite her best efforts to reason, bargain, or plead with herself, the flagrant assault happened.  Wrapping her arms around her midsection as her stomach began to feel sick, she wished she defended Jacen better or at least shut her mouth.  Octavia saw his brow crease as if he was deep in thought. "Are you okay?" "Huh?" Jacen muttered, looking at her quizzically.  Octavia chewed on her lip, trying to find the words. "I notice you get quiet and kind of lose yourself in thought and I was wondering if you're doing alright?" "Oh," Jacen muttered as he lowered his head. "Sorry." Octavia tightened her grip on her arms. "Is it because of me?"   "Umm... no... what do you mean?" Jacen stammered.  "Well..." she trailed off, sucking on her teeth. She needed to rip the band-aid off. "Do you regret helping me out? It's okay if you do because I haven't been the most pleasant individual to be around, putting it lightly." "No!" Jacen turned abruptly towards her. "It's nothing like that," he stated firmly before letting his head fall. Octavia seeing his reaction didn't ease the guilt plaguing her consciousness. "You'd tell me if I was, right?"  Jacen soberly nodded his head.  Octavia hummed at his response. Even if he looked like he was saying yes, it didn't feel like he was. The divide was still present, like a vast canyon with a broken bridge, and she was holding the cutters on the other side.  Octavia sucked on her teeth as her brain rattled off ways to apologize for the incident she caused, for how she acted, and overall just being a poor excuse for a friend. But, every word felt hollow and cliche; saying sorry for the thousandth time at this point was just for her to save face, and it offered no comfort or benefit to Jacen.   "You know," Jacen said tepidly, breaking the silence. "It hasn't been all that bad helping you out." Octavia chuckled uneasily; if he was going to lie, he needed to do it more convincingly. Tartarus, Vinyl could lie better with her glasses off, and that mare was as transparent as a cleaned window.   "I enjoy your optimism, but we both know that hasn't been the case." "I care to disagree," Jacen defended proudly. "Well, that makes one of us," she replied, giggling at the poor choice of words.  "I'm serious. I've really enjoyed your company," Jacen said with a reverence that caught Octavia off guard.  "What... why... I don't understand," Octavia stammered.  Jacen wrung his hands together as he continued. "It's been a nice change of pace, and I promise I will make the most of it." "The most of it?" Jacen turned away as his smile died on his lips, and the life in his eyes began to flicker out. "Yeah, you're only here until we find a way to get you back home. I can tell you miss it a lot." "I do, tremendously," Octavia admitted, causing the corners of Jacens mouth to sag even further. The warmth of Vinyl's forelegs around her made her yearn for her marefriends touch. The lavender scent of her coat eased her burdens and made Octavia feel like everything would be okay. Her infectious giggles when she would purposely miss a note to throw Octavia off. They were all cruel reminders of what she had lost. But seeing the life being sapped from Jacen wrenched her heart unexpectedly.  The pain in her heart was starting to be commonplace, and it baffled her. It wasn't the same way her chest would tighten when she thought of Vinyl, but a feeling of betrayal if she left him here, left him alone. Octavia shook her head; surely, he had friends besides her. A hollow sadness formed in her stomach didn't offer any comfort.    "But I need to focus on the here and now," she continued, resolute in her answer. "What...why?" Jacen stammered, searching her eyes for understanding.  Octavia tucked her chin, gripping her arms. "I feel like I'm causing more problems than it's worth." She caught Jacen's jaw slack from the corner of her eye. She wanted to go home more than anything but didn't want to do it at the expense of somepony else, especially Jacen.          "But you're not causing me problems." Jacen defended. "Sure, we have had a few spats here and there," Jacen trailed off before pulling his shoulders back as if preparing to make a speech. "You're the only one that has given me positive attention in a long time, and despite what may appear on the outside, I feel like you care about what happens to me. Plus, you said that's what friends do." "Using my words against me," she chuckled. "No! Not intentionally..." "It's okay, Jacen," she cut him off. He paused for a moment before continuing. "I'm not opposed to you staying with me, but I'm confident that's not what you want." "I don't know what I want, and that's the problem. I want to go home so bad it hurts, but at the same time, I think about abandoning you, and I'm consumed with guilt. I feel like I'm being split in two, and regardless of what decision I make, somepony is getting hurt," Octavia admitted weakly, raising her shoulders to her ears and hugging herself tightly. Jacen's eyes drifted forward as he remained silent. Octavia was thankful he decided not to press her more on the matter. Right now, she wanted to stop causing problems for him before she entertained the idea of going home again.  "I'm here if you need anything."  The hope felt desperate when she would think of Vinyl like she was struggling for air in a cold sea. However, when Jacen reassured her, it felt like a life preserver keeping her from drowning.  "Thank you," she said warmly.        "And we're here." Jacen gave her a gentle nudge and pulled Octavia out of her thoughts. The pair stopped in front of a quaint restaurant with windows that stretched to the first floor of the multi-storied building. Vibrant green umbrellas sprouted from the center of black iron tables, giving much-needed shade to those electing to dine outside.  "Huh," he muttered. "It's busier than I expected." Jacen opened the black gate motioning for her to enter. Octavia hesitantly stepped forward as the multitude of people inside the restaurant became apparent. She walked in with the tentativeness of a performer taking the stage for the first time before Jacen passed her to open the next door.     "Thank you, but I'm not entirely sure where I need to go," Octavia dug deeply into her professional etiquette to mask her trepidation. Jacen shrugged and walked inside, holding the door open enough for Octavia to grasp it with her sweaty hand. As her eyes adjusted to the artificial light, the trembling sensation of her first audition for Celestia's school took hold of her. Octavia drew her hands to the ready position as she reached for her cello's bow.       Looks of bewilderment formed on several individuals' faces as Octavia realized she was grasping at air. Tucking her chin to let her mane obscure her embarrassment, she hastily walked forward, wishing she could shield herself with her cello. Without anything to hide behind, Octavia tucked her blushing face into her mane to hide her embarrassment as she chased after Jacen. Still drowning in chagrin, Octavia's head smashed into a wall of cloth, sending her world sideways before her flank returned to the floor.   Jacen spun around, perplexed momentarily, before lifting her to her feet. "You alright?" Octavia gave a muted nod as she tried to ignore the murmur of chuckles and the unbearable heat radiating from her face. If one could die of embarrassment, she would be on life support. Jacen brushed her off right in front of the peanut gallery exacerbating her dread. Despite his chivalrous intentions, the awkward contact did little to comfort her. Vinyl wouldn't have been much help because of her inability not to seize the opportunity to poke fun at her. Nevertheless, all the jeering would be worth it to have her marefriend in her hooves again.   "What can I get started for you?" Octavia was at a loss as her eyes scanned the impressive assortment of vegetables, but her mind was unable to figure out what she was supposed to do. Desperately, she nudged Jacen only to find her efforts in vain as he failed to register her hints for help. Breathe, Octavia, breathe. As the attendant stared her down, Octavia pointed to things at random in an effort to be done with this stressful experience. She would have to deal with her haphazard decision-making later; the blonde lady wrapped her food, placing it with Jacens. Turning, Octavia darted to the first available table, sinking into the seat,  hoping that being seated would dissuade people from watching her.    "I didn't know what you wanted, so I got you some water," Jacen said, sliding into the chair across from her. "That is fine, thank you." She sat up, taking a drink, hoping the water would calm her. Jacen looked between Octavia and her untouched food, causing him to cock his head. "You don't like it? I thought this would be a great place for you since they've got so many choices that weren't meat." "No, it's not that," Octavia quickly defended; swallowing her pride, she pressed on. "I'm not comfortable being around all these people." Jacen cocked his head as he looked at her with surprise and confusion. "Why?" "Can we sit outside, please?" Octavia pleaded, wishing she could be anywhere else in the world. Jacen remained perplexed but took the hint never less. He started wrapping up the remnants of his food, which at this point was a formality since there was almost nothing left, before collecting the rest of their items. As he led the way out of the restaurant, Octavia stayed on his heels, the sensation of a predator's eyes stalking its prey ever present in her mind.  As they exited the restaurant and selected the cleanest table, they took their seats opposite each other. Jacen resumed eating almost immediately as Octavia looked at her haphazardly wrapped food, still void of hunger. "Thanks." Jacen grunted in affirmation, taking another hefty bite of his food.   Octavia picked at the hardened things that covered the tips of her fingers.  Ever since she arrived here, she felt like she was trotting a knife's edge between sharing too much and not enough. The dam she had constructed in her mind to keep her sane was beginning to crack under constant pressure. Slumping back into the chair, she couldn't figure out the next note to play, even if it was staring her right in the face.  Letting out a defeated sigh, Vinyl always somehow knew what to say to get to the root of the issue. She had never realized how much she needed that until now. That ability to be completely open, to put it all out there, so nothing was in the dark. To start to close that divide that she had created. But where to begin? "Can we talk?" Octavia asked. "About what?" Octavia let out a heavy sigh that was at the heart of the issue. She didn't know what she wanted to talk about; all she knew was they needed to. "That's the thing; I don't know what," she admitted. "Okay." "But it's not okay," she retorted, annoyed at home dismissive he was being. "I can't help but feel like I'm hurting you." "You're not, trust me." Octavia was about to counter, but how he articulated 'trust me' caused the unease sensation to return. It was so deep and dark that it rattled the cellist to her core. Even though her mind hoisted crimson red flags in her head, something pulled at her heart to dig deeper, to unearth whatever he hadn't told her.    "Could you help me understand something?" Octavia asked, trying to be as tactful. Jacen hummed as he took another bite of his remaining wrap. "When I recall the time I've spent with you and how most of our conversations have started or ended up, they've, for the most part, been negative. So it's hard for me to imagine that others are treating you worse than I have because you're so kind and generous to me."  Jacen hesitated momentarily before shoveling the rest of his food into his mouth.  "Well it's true," he admitted, void of emotion. Octavia felt an unpleasant churning of her empty stomach. "I'm sorry to hear that." "Don't be." Jacen stood up from the table, taking his trash to the bin. "It builds character." "What kind does it build, I wonder?" "Don't know," Jacen admitted, returning to his seat. "But right now, that's all that life has presented me." Regret saturated her mind, unable to tell if he was talking about her or something else or combing the two. "I need to be nicer to you." "You already are," he clarified. "Plus, you don't need to worry about me once you go home." "Please stop doing that!" she begged as the feeling of abandonment sickened her stomach. "What?" "Talking about me forgetting you or me leaving you." "But it’s true," he fired back. "Stop it!" she begged, on the verge of tears. "I'm not trying to abandon you! Please. Stop saying it like I want to." Jacen shrank back as his jaw went slack. "You know how badly I want to go home," she continued, unable to hide the desperation in her voice. "But I can't just up and leave you." "Why is that?" Jacen asked tepidly. "Because you'll be alone," she admitted, shifting her gaze to her hands. "I'm getting split in two because no matter what decision I make, somepony is going to get hurt." "I'm sorry, I didn't know." Octavia slumped back, tucking her chin. "It's not your fault; it's mine. My life was perfect before I came out here."  Jacen remained silent as he subtly withdrew, letting his arms fall into his lap. Octavia immediately rebuked herself for the insensitive comment. "I didn't mean it like that, I..." "I know what you mean," Jacen cut her off. "You don't need to coddle me, promise." Profane screams laced her mind as her soul started to tear again. Over the years, she composed many compositions ranging from a simple quartet to a full orchestra. However, all those stress-riddled nights paled in comparison to this. She was entirely out of her element and constantly failing at every moment.  Collapsing onto the table, Octavia wrapped her arms around her head, desperately wishing that somepony had created a reset spell. So she could return to the first night she met Jacen and treat him with the kindness he deserved. To show empathy where she showed anger, remained silent, and listened rather than voicing her petty complaints. Even though she wanted to go home more than anything, it felt so wrong, like she was spitting in his face. Memories began to surface in an attempt to beat her into submission. All the times she tore into Vinyl over stupid things that she couldn't even recall why she was mad in the first place. As more and more events paraded through her mind, an unsavory thought began to form. Had she been like this before Jacen, had Vinyl's unconditional love for her masked her shortcomings?  Bile formed in her throat as the dark thoughts consumed her. She was no good for Vinyl, Jacen or anypony. On the verge of tears, Octavia felt a gentle hand squeeze her forearm.  "You need to stop beating yourself up," Jacen soothed. "You first," she countered, lifting her head from the table. "I don't..." Jacen trailed off as Octavia narrowed her eyes.  Folding his arms across his chest, he huffed in annoyance. "You don't even know what's going on." "I would like too," Octavia said softly.  "No," he said harshly. "I've told countless people, and it did absolutely nothing for me. Hell, it made it worse, so forgive me if I'm not an open book."  "I'm not those people," she offered, extending her hand across the table. "I want to help, if I can." Jacen looked at her hand with trepidation before closing his eyes as his shoulders sagged. Octavia sat back in her chair, mulling over what to say. Every immediate idea appeared shallow, like she was still guarding against the big bad monster. "I know what it feels like to be unwanted," Octavia admitted weakly as every possible thought screamed at her to keep her mouth shut. "When I was at the Royal Academy, I had no true friends, only ones that were your friend until something better came along. At first, I tried my best to fit in; I engaged in the gossip and followed the social protocol even though I found it revolting. One night I got a little comfortable with those 'friends' and shared with them that I liked a particular colt. The next day I found pictures of us plastered all over the school. Sure, it was a harmless prank with little meaning, but he was a Duke's son, so immediately, rumors started to spread that I was trying to get with him to elevate my social status. After that, everypony treated me like a heretic, like I was openly defying the elite's society. That day I realized that no matter how hard I tried to fit in, they only saw a peasant." "But then you changed schools, and it got better." "Yes, but it wasn't instantaneous," she clarified. "Because of what happened, I didn't trust anypony, and I often ate alone to avoid social interaction.  "Then how did you meet your roommate?" "Well, there was a section in the school with rooms dedicated to practicing. I would go there to relax and get lost in the music. After a couple of days, I noticed I kept seeing this girl show up around the same time I did. I thought nothing of it because she said nothing to me, but I started getting suspicious after a couple of weeks. I would change my times, and she would still show up."  "So you have a stalker now," Jacen chuckled. "Hardly." Octavia giggled at how innocent her marefriend was back then. "I found out later she was just working up the courage to talk to me." "I can see that; you can be pretty intimidating when you want to be." Octavia shot him a withering look as Jacen threw up his hands. "Okay, not helping." "It wasn't until I let my guard down that I realized she was trying to be there for me, to give me the support and trust I needed." Octavia looked away as a mixture of love and loss swirled around in her chest. "I owe her so much." She could hear the metal creaking as Jacen shifted around in his seat. "That's all I want to do for you, to help you out as my roommate did for me."  "It's hard to," he admitted weakly. "I know," Octavia eased, giving him a supportive smile. "It takes time and it currently looks like I have a lot of that on my hands."