Colonel Maxim Steelhoof could trace her lineage in the Royal Guard for over one thousand years. There had always been somepony in the family that decided to take up the spear to serve the princess. Just like her great-great grandmother, and her mother, she had caught that particular bug herself.
Old bloodlines or family connections might have meant everything to a regular rank and file, but it meant little to the royal guard. She started out like any regular recruit, her mane and tail shaved and immediately shipped off to bootcamp and ten weeks of absolute Tartarus. Just like many of her forebearers, Maxum found herself excelling as a soldier in gold.
Over thirty years had passed since she walked through the recruiters door. She had been all over this great world, fought all sorts of critters both big and small. She had rubbed shoulders with kings, queens, heroes, villains, and the odd god or three. Through all the trials, tribulations, the famines, the parties, and rude guests in the castle, she had climbed the ranks of the guard to reach the absolute top. Lords and Generals might lead Equestria’s armies, but it was her that led the most elite of fighting forces on this planet.
In Canterlot, her word was law, and her two favorite words were peace and quiet. At her age, nothing made her happier than to wake up, sit in her office, and have absolutely nothing out of the ordinary happen.
She had been a Colonel for ten years. As far as she could remember, not a day had gone by when something out of the ordinary hadn’t happened.
Maxim, in a crisp, perfectly maintained uniform, took a seat at her desk. Just like the mare herself, her small office was pristine. There wasn’t a piece of paper out of place. All of her pens were organized by shape, size, and color, in that order. Her desk had been waxed until it shone in the artificial light of the lamp hanging above. One would have also been able to comfortably eat off the floor if they so wished, though only one of the Princesses would dare even joke about such a thing.
The colonel’s ears were perked. Very carefully, she listened to the scribes and officers right outside of the door. She waited for a shout, or a cry of dismay, or simply somepony falling and spilling a mountain of paperwork that they had been carrying on their back. As she sat there, waiting with trepidation, none of that came. Other than some quiet chatter and the rustling of papers, all seemed in order.
She leaned forward with a small frown, tilting her head in an effort to hear some far-off disaster. From the clock on her wall, Maxim watched five minutes pass with no incident. Some of the tension left the older mare’s body. She leaned back in her chair, tensing just for a moment as her back touched the fine leather. Another minute passed before she reached over and grabbed the cup of hot coffee she had sitting within hooves reach. She picked it up, bringing it to her lips and taking a small sip. The smallest, most fragile of sighs escaped her lips.
There was a rapid knock on her door, which was almost immediately followed by said door being thrown open.
“Colonel, ma’am, we have an issue!”
Maxim let out another sigh, though this one was much less hopeful. She sat her coffee down and looked at the mare that had just barged into her office like her tail was on fire. It was Lieutenant Glory; a younger pegasus that was in charge of the castle’s flyers. The mare was fast enough to have been a Wonderbolt, as tough as nails and a duty and drive that the Colonel couldn’t help but admire. Unfortunately, she was also a featherhead, and prone to making mountains out of molehills.
“Good morning to you as well, Lieutenant,” Maxim said, closing her eyes. “What’s the problem today? Discord? A Changeling invasion? Did Tirek escape Tartarus?”
“It’s a bed, ma’am!”
“...Pardon?”
The lieutenant took a few hasty steps into the office, her wings twitching. “Two privates found a bed in the middle of the western hallway. They reported this to their Sergeant, who went to investigate. They then reported it to me, and I--”
“I don’t need all of that, Glory,” Maxim said with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “Now, I might be getting old, and took a few too many knocks to the head, because I swear you just barged into my office to tell me about misplaced beds.”
“That’s exactly what I’m doing, ma’am!”
The Colonel nodded, pushing her chair away from her desk and hopping to her hooves. “Oh. I see. Before I pull a muscle tearing you a new one to tell me something that’s obviously some prank done by the privates, I’ll allow you to explain yourself.”
Glory opened her mouth.
“You have thirty seconds,” Maxim added, walking around her desk and standing so close to the Lieutenant that their muzzles were almost touching.
Glory took a half step backward, ears folding against her skull. As Maxim quietly counted down from thirty in her head, she watched as the mare’s muzzle scrunched up and her eyes narrowed in thought. Those large, powerful wings twitched again at her sides as she counted from thirty to twenty. She made it to ten when a proverbial light bulb appeared over her head.
“It’s a big bed, ma’am!” she said, chest puffing out as if she were proud of such a statement.
“Big?”
“Yep! It’s really funny lookin’ too.”
“A big, funny looking bed then?”
“Uh-huh! It’s got some weird critter sleeping in it. I didn’t really get a good look at it, but it doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen before!”
Maxim simply stared at the smaller mare. Glory almost immediately began to wilt under the gaze.
“I, um,” she said, feeling as if she were in very real danger, which, as it just so happened, she was. “There’s well, I mean, ma’am, it’s really--Waitwaitwait! Magic! Magic doesn’t work on the bed!”
“Explain.”
“I had a private try to just lift the bed out of the hallway, so civilians could start using it again, but she couldn’t. She said it was like trying to lift a boulder. I had two unicorns try to lift the thing, but they couldn’t even get it to budge.”
Maxim frowned. While she didn’t have any Twilight Sparkles in the guard--unfortunately; if her majesty hadn’t taken her as a student she could have been even better than her brother--even the lowliest unicorn private under her command was an accomplished magic user. Just one should have been able to lift an adolescent dragon into the air without much trouble, let alone two. It honestly sounded like a load of horse apples. Normally, she’d chew the cutiemarks off the mare and throw her out of her office, but now she was curious.
Walking over to the other side of her office, Maxim grabbed a cap that completed her uniform and placed it on her head. She regarded the spear she had leaning up against the wall, but just shook her head. This was no doubt just some prank. She’d find whoever was responsible and have them cleaning every bathroom in this castle with a toothbrush for the next month.
Turning back toward a nervous Glory, Maxim gave her a threadbare smile. “Lead the way Lieutenant.”
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~
Mornings were always a hectic part of the day in Canterlot Castle. If one were being fair, it was usually hectic from sun up to sun down and every second in between, but mornings were almost always especially hectic. This was doubly true for the staff.
The haughty nobility that galavanted around these halls never gave a single thought to the mares and stallions that ran things behind the scenes. From the maids to the cooks to the message runners; all of them were the lifeblood of this ancient dwelling. Without them, things would grind to a halt. Their majesties would not be fed or looked after, nor would the diplomats or other royal officials visiting. Important documents would not be signed or even seen. The common pony could not come to voice a complaint or concern. Everything had to run as smoothly as possible so that everypony was relaxed, content, and happy. It was not hyperbolic in any way to say that if the staff were not on their A-game, Equestria as a nation had a chance of complete collapse within a day or two.
There was one mare that was the maestro to this orchestra of madness. It was because of her this castle was a lovely and memorable experience for all, from the richest queen to a simple farmer. She was a mare that loved efficiency. She spoke six languages and could write with her mouth, both front legs, and even her tail if needed. Never in her fifteen years working as Princess Celestia’s right hoof had she ever taken a day off. Some insisted that she wasn’t even equine.
Her name was Raven Inkwell, and at that moment, she could feel the mother of all headaches coming on.
The western hallway was the busiest hall in the castle. It connected several pathways to very important administrative areas in the castle, including the throne room itself. Thousands of hooves walked along these particular cobble stones every single day, from the mightest kings to the simple apple farmer. Congestion in this hallway was, in every possible way, unacceptable. The staff prided itself in its efficiency, and a clog in one of the most important veins in this shifting, moving stone beast they all lived and worked would not be allowed. Which was why the bed smack dab in the middle of the hallway offended Raven on a personal level.
It was a large piece of furniture; larger than even the beds of the Royal Sisters. Far too plain to be anything from the castle itself. A quick glance told the earth pony that it was just pieces of metal and wood, barely held together by a few loose screws. It certainly wasn’t a piece of art; just something one slept on. On top of this plain bed was a mess of covers and pillows, all of which were covered in emerald green cloth. Two pillows were on her nice clean floor, and a blanket threatened to join them, hanging off the leg of the bed’s occupant.
Raven’s muzzle was scrunched up as she glared at the strange, sleeping creature, who she could hear snoring from twenty feet away. It was clear as day to the mare that this was some sort of prank. Something done by a noble or a gaggle of guardsponies after a night of drinking too much hard cider. Celestia only knows how they managed to carry the bed so deep into the castle without anypony stopping them.
She already could feel the fallout from this little “prank”, especially when the critter woke up. It was all fun and games until ponies were accused of coltnapping. Raven was no betting mare, but she’d bet her clipboard that heads were going to be rolling in the next hour or so, especially if one of the princesses happened to wander by.
Speaking of those walking hurricanes in golden armor, thirty members of the royal guard stood around the bed, preventing any nosey ponies from getting too close. This meant that the entire hallway couldn’t be used. It meant the Postal Office, the Office of Do’s and Dab’s, the Ministry of Concessions Office, the General and Specialized Permit Application Office, the Love Rooms, AND the Throne Room could not be reached. All important, governmentally critical places for the common pony, many whom had traveled days to be here, were not available.
This was beyond unacceptable.
The sane and simple thing to do would be to just walk over and wake up the creature. They’d all probably get an earful, and some shush money would need to be hooved over, but this whole sorry business could be behind them by lunch. Had she been alerted about the situation first, this was what would have happened. How nice that would have been.
It took some effort for the earth pony not to bury her head in her hooves and just scream as the group of guards murmured amongst themselves. All of them had their spears pointed at the bed, as if the obviously harmless critter sleeping in it was some world ending monster. While Raven hated to admit it, with the luck Canterlot as a whole had been having with monsters, this paranoia wasn’t completely unfounded.
“Alrighty. Let's see what we have here.”
Raven’s ear perked up as the last voice she wanted to hear boomed out down the hall. She closed her eyes, took a few deep, calming breaths, and turned her head. Sure enough, there was Colonel Maxim strutting down her hall in full military regalia, a cap on her head and some black-rimmed sunglasses balanced on her muzzle. Behind her were thirty more heavily armed guardsponies. It looked like two of them were dragging along a cannon as well.
Fantastic.
“Mornin’ Raven,” Maxim said, tipping her cap at the smaller mare.
“What. Is. That. Doing. In. My. Hallway,” Raven replied with venom, staring wide-eyed at the cannon.
The two mares hitched to it attempted to take a few steps back, though their harnesses made it impossible to do so. Instead, they looked anywhere but where the mare was standing. One even had the gall to begin whistling.
“Hmm? Oh, that. Some of the mares were spooked, so I allowed them to bring some heavy orbinance,” Maxim said, her head tilting to the side as she examined the bed. “So that’s--”
“You can’t bring a cannon through the hallways!” Raven hissed, interrupting her.
“I absolutely can. I’m the head of all military matters in this city. If I want a cannon somewhere it’s going there. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with an emotional support cannon.”
“I’m not going to let you start blowing holes in this castle! My staff is still doing overtime after what you did during the Changeling Invasion!”
“We aren’t going to do anything with the cannon, you grouch. It’s not even loaded. I just brought it to keep morale up.”
“How does a cannon in my bucking halls keep your moral up, Colonel?”
Instead of answering what was clearly a loaded question, Maxim took a few steps toward the bed, then stopped.
“What sort of creature is sleeping in that bed?” she asked.
It took some effort, but Raven was able to calm herself down enough to answer. “I have no idea. I haven’t been able to get a very good look, since your featherbrained soldiers won’t let anypony within twenty feet of the bed. My best guess would be some sort of minotaur.”
“I don’t think so. Minotaurs get big, but I’ve never seen one get that big. As far as I know, diamond dogs sleep better on the ground than in beds, so it’s probably not one of them. Not hairy enough to be a yeti…”
“Colonel. As WONDERFUL as it is listening to you droll on what exactly the race of the mare or stallion in that bed is, I believe you and your troops would be better suited in moving the bed and it’s occupant before one of the princesses is made aware of what’s going on. Princess Celestia has had a very busy few days, and it would be--”
“Just hang on to that idea for a moment, Inkwell,” Maxim said, lifting a hoof. “Sergeant, would you please indulge me and attempt to lift that bed?”
Out of the ranks of the Colonel’s escort, a large, scarred grey unicorn stepped forward. She eyed the bed for several moments before giving her commanding officer a small nod. The tip of her horn sparked. Everypony in attendance watched as… nothing happened.
The Sergeant frowned. Taking a half-step forward she leaned forward. Her horn became bathed in a pinkish aura, her brow furrowing in concentration. Dozens of eyes turned toward the bed, which continued to stay rooted to the ground.
“I… huh,” the Sergeant said, allowing the magic flowing through her to extinguish. “Colonel, ma’am, I can’t lift it.”
Maxim raised an eyebrow. “Did you not have your oats this morning, Sergeant?”
“I can lift a fully furnished, two story house twenty feet into the air without a warm-up, ma’am,” the Sergeant said, with just a hint of indignation.
“Then why by Celestia’s sun can’t you lift a little bed?”
Indignation gave way to confusion as the Sergeant struggled with the answer. “I… have no idea. I don’t know why, but I can’t seem to get a good grip on it. It’s… slippery?.”
“Very, very interesting,” Maxim said, scratching her chin. “Thank you for the attempt, Sergeant.”
“Ma’am,” the mare said, stepping back into her place in the column.
“When I was told about this, I just thought it’d be something silly and not at all worth my time,” Maxim said. “But that… That might mean we have a bit of a situation on our hooves.”
Raven just barely held back a groan. “There’s no need to escalate anything. If you’d allow it, my staff and I are more than capable--”
“I’m going to have any civilians keep their distance, including your staff. If that thing is resistant to magic then it might be dangerous.”
“It’s SLEEPING for Celestia’s sake! Just leave the poor thing be. I’ll have them carried out of the hall into the room--”
“Captain. We’re going to need get everypony moved back and the halls blocked while we--”
“Nonononono! I simply cannot allow that. I don’t give a flying feather what sort of authority you believe that you have, Mrs. Maxim, but this castle is under MY care.”
“It might be in the day-to-day, but not--”
“I don’t care. Shut your hay hole and get that cannon out of this hallway. I’ll take it from here.”
“No you won’t.”
“Oh, yes I will.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“NO.”
“YES.”
Both mares were muzzle to muzzle at this point, with everypony in attendance watching. The soldiers in particular were watching with interest, with some quietly betting on who’d throw the first punch. The castle staff outside the ring of guards but still on the scene, outraged by what they were hearing, were quick to make bets themselves, as was the odd noble here and there.
Everypony was so busy, they didn’t notice Princess Celestia walking down the hallway, flanked by two of her personal guard. The alicorn, usually so graceful, elegant, and supernaturally beautiful, looked anything but this morning. The yak delegates had, unfortunately, visited, meaning that for the better part of the week the mare had been forced to walk a tightrope with saber-beating creatures that didn’t give a flying feather that she could drop her sun on top of them and their kingdom at any time. Not that she’d ever do that mind you, but after a two hour, one-sided screaming match with the yaks threatening war because the towels in their bathrooms were the wrong color the thought might have crossed her mind once or thrice.
It had been days since she had gotten a good night’s rest. While she was a goddess, with all perks that went along with it, she did need to rest, and her supernatural stamina was far beyond its breaking point. Her head was lowered as she walked, barely dragging her hooves along. The bags under her eyes had bags. Even her mane, usually so alive and vibrant, was dull and lifeless, hanging limply from her neck.
The yaks had just left. She had personally gone to wish them a safe journey and watch as their rude behinds were shipped out of her city. Seeing them disappear out of sight put a smile on her face. She still wore that smile as she walked, too tired to notice the watching crowd, or the row of guards blocking the hall. All that she could think about at that moment was her bed. Her warm, comfortable, wonderful bed.
Ponies quickly parted when they noticed her. She murmured a few good mornings and hellos, struggling to stay awake. The guards, seeing her, stepped aside as well, somepony loudly clearing their throat, no doubt to alert the still arguing Colonel Maxim and Raven.
Celestia’s personal guard looked around, confused as to what was happening. “Um, your highness?” one of them said. “I think we might have a situation of some sort on our hooves…”
The princess’s ear twitched at her little pony’s words, but Celestia didn’t pause in her step. “Oh, there we are,” she said, her smile widening.
There, not five hoofsteps away was a bed. It wasn’t in her bed. It didn’t look anything like her bed, and this wasn’t her bedroom or even close to it. The sheets were the wrong color, and she didn’t recall having a critter sleep in her bed in the last two hundred years.
None of that mattered to the exhausted mare. All she saw was a bed. Beds were for sleeping. She was tired. Ergo, it was bedtime.
Her personal guard could only stand there thoroughly baffled as the princess kicked off her royal shoes. Her crown was next, handed to one of the guards, then her peytral was lifted from around her neck and placed onto the neck of the other guard, who nearly fell over from its weight.
“--And another thing! An emotional support cannon doesn’t make any sense!”
“Hah! That’s exactly what some frou-frou little civilian would say!”
“What the hay are you talking about?!”
“You just wouldn’t under…”
Maxim trailed off as she looked over just in time to see Princess Celestia leaping into the bed with the mystery creature. Raven, red-faced and sweaty from all the yelling, also looked over just as the mighty alicorn plopped right down next to the being. The creature, as if sensing another in its bed, reached out with one of its strange claws, grabbing the princess and pulling her against it.
The crowd of ponies just stood there dumbfounded, their mouths agape. Unfortunately for Maxim, she was the first to recover.
“Holy horse apples…”