-Authors Note: The first section of this before the divider was actually written as a bonus chapter after BiE was finished, since they happen one after the other, I just welded them together here.-
Year 683 in Equestria.
You sat silently on your couch. The T.V. was off now. You had to turn it off after some fucking tampon commercial or something showed this annoyingly happy couple.
Fuck happy couples...
Fuck tomorrow...
Fuck drinking whisky in your apartment alone.
You brought the bottle to your lips as the thoughts of the anniversary came back. Only nothing came out. Glancing inside the bottle, you saw that it was empty. Dammit. You weren't going to open another bottle at...
Fuck. What time was it? You look over at the clock. 1:43.
Shit...you should be getting to bed.
Bed was the last place you wanted to be right now...you didn't want to think or dream or do anything. But you had to. You had a job to do in the city so you peeled yourself up off the couch and walked to your room. Stumbling was less of an issue when you were this upset.
You peed out as much of the alcohol as you could before you climbed into bed.
The good part of drinking as much as you just did was that it helped you get to sleep. There was no way you could have done it on your own.
Not tonight...
Probably not for a while.
Your eyelids slowly close until they literally cannot be opened again. And you try to prepare yourself for whatever may come.
It was around your fourth year in Equestria. You sat on the sand looking out over the water. You and Lotus had decided to take a trip to the Bridle Shores.
Nice name...
"See any Sea Ponies?" you ask.
A hoof and bops you in the nose. "You know Sea Ponies are just a myth." Lotus says as she sits in your lap.
"I dunno. We have fliers and magicians, why not swimmers?"
"Us normal commoners don't even get an honorable mention?"
You chuckle as you bend down, your lips brushing up against the nape of her neck.
"Fine. We have pretty ones too."
Lotus cuddles up against you. "No prettier than this view."
The view WAS great. Water stretching out as far as the eye could see with Celestia's sun setting on the horizon. Apart from Anon, she was the only one who knew about this. Thanks, Glowstick.
No time like the present.
You reach into the pocket of your stupid Hawaiian shirt and reach around to place your hand in Lotus's lap.
"Hey. Got something for you."
She looks down at your hand cupped over her gift. "Bits for all the trouble I've had go through with you? You shouldn't have."
"Would you just take a look?"
Lotus chuckles as she turns your hand over and peels back your fingers, a sharp intake of air marking her completion. In the palm of your hand rested a single golden necklace, a blue gem set in the middle.
"I asked Anon for his advice here and you know what he said? "Don't hijack someone else's wedding reception." You take the necklace in your hands and wrap it around Lotus's neck, fastening it in the back. "So how about it? Want to go through even more trouble with me?"
Lotus wipes her hoof across her face as she turns around and wraps her forelegs around you.
"You ass..." she says through teary eyes.
"That is not a no..."
Lotus sniffles as she smiles."No. No it isn't." She says as she pulls herself up and brings your lips together. You pull her against you through the kiss and cause the two of you to fall back. Neither of you breaks until your need for air becomes too great.
You can't help but release a chuckle. "So, do I take your last name since I don't really have one?"
You kick open the door to your house with Lotus on your back.
"Isn't it a bit unseemly for a successful Canterlot spa owner to be seen getting carried through the streets by her husband?" you ask.
Lotus kisses you on the cheek as she did so often back in Ponyville. "Don't worry sweetheart, I've been telling the media that you are my personal mode of transportation, my reputation shall remain clean as crystal."
You crick your back as Lotus hops off. "How fortunate."
The sweet embrace of the couch is not too far away.
"First you use and dispose of me over estrus and now you use me as a pack mule. Don't I at least get some time to recuperate?" you gripe.
"Recuperate on the job, dear! That's how we pay for this nice home of ours!" Lotus calls from the bathroom.
You lean your head back against the couch to let the day wash off you. It really wasn't that bad...You may have had a ton of customers, but these Canterlot ponies tipped like mad.
Lotus and you had a tidy little nest egg put away.
You hear the bathroom door open next to you. "Mous..."
Your eyes spot Lotus standing at the entrance to the bathroom, a small stick held in her hoof. Her hoof that was trembling as a smile inched its way onto her face.
"No way..."
Lotus only nods frantically as her smile grows ever wider.
You jump off the couch and scoop her up in your arms. "Haha! No way!"
Eleven months later.
You sat in a hospital room. Lotus on a bed, you in a chair next to her. Cradled in her hooves, wrapped in a small blanket, rested a tiny foal. Your little Ivy... Now if you could just keep her from becoming a botanist, you should be gold.
"She has your hair." Anon says above you.
You look down at the little tuft of hair sprouting from your little girls head as you twiddle with your own "Really? You think so?"
"He's not even the same species and his genes are still pushing us around..." Lotus says.
Everyone shares a quick laugh but quiets down as Ivy stars to stir.
Anon puts a hand on your shoulder. "We'll leave you guys alone for a bit." he says before him and Rainbow exit.
You reached a hand down to stroke your daughters face, calming her down and sending her back to sleep.
"She's beautiful..." Lotus says.
"She is. Nice work there, Mom."
Lotus nuzzled her face against you. "Don't allow me to take all the credit."
"Credit nothin'. I just put this bun in the oven, you were the one who cooked it and got it out."
You pull her head close and kiss the side of it. "Great job, babe."
Lotus rocked Ivy back and forth. "It only took sixteen hours of labor..." she groans.
You reached a hand down and stroked Ivy's chin "Our little girl takes after her daddy in more ways than one, huh?"
Lotus chuckles. "Why am I not surprised that you were a difficult newborn?"
"Hey, it was bright and cold out there. No way was I going without a fight."
Year..."Who cares anymore?" in Equestria.
You were sitting on the front porch of your house, Lotus laying across your lap. You stroked her graying mane with your bony hand as your great-grandkids ran around like idiots on your lawn.
"Windy, I swear you better not break that tire swing!" you shout.
Windy stops using her wings to almost pull the branch off the tree and jumps off.
"Sorry, Gramps!" she calls up as she fluttered down.
Hmph.
"Your Great Granddaughter almost ruined my handiwork."
Lotus shifts in your lap. "Well perhaps you should have worked harder on it? Boulder was not a small boy."
"Don't badmouth my son like that, that was all muscle."
You sat in silence as you watched the children play. It wasn't long ago that Ivy and Thunderstrike were the ones playing in your yard...
Poor Thunder...he had been a wreck when Anon passed. Same with you.
You wouldn't be here right now if Lotus hadn't pulled you out. You wouldn't get to watch these kids...
"Thanks." you say.
Lotus looks up at you. "Darling?"
"Thanks. For making sure I had something to wake up to...after Anon."
Lotus presses aged lips against your own set. "No charge, Mous."
You wrapped your arm around her shoulder as the two of you watch the kids play in the sunset.
"Think we did good?" you ask.
"I wouldn't ask for anything else."
"A real "happy ending", huh?"
Lotus chuckles. "That was terrible."
"Terribly funny."
You let out a sigh as Celestia begins to set the sun. "I love you."
"I love you too, dear." Lotus says as she cuddles up onto your shoulder.
"Mous?"
"Hmm?"
"It's morning."
Year still 683 in Equestria.
You rocket awake in your bed into a sitting position.
"L-Lo..."
Y-you were dreaming.
Argh...
"Dammit..."
-Music-
You throw your legs off the bed and stomp out to the kitchen. It was still dark out, the clock read 5:21
Some "morning"... Now even your dreams were mucking with you.
You throw open your cupboards and grab the bottle of whisky. Need to forget that dream, can't think about it. Not today...
You crack the bottle open and down the contents. And down. And down... And down some more.
You tear yourself away from the bottle when the burning in your throat becomes too much for you.
Hmmph...Only got half of it down.
You throw the bottle onto the counter and head to the bathroom. You look inside your medicine cabinet and...
The sleeping pill jar is empty.
That's just. Fucking.
"GREAT!"
Your fist lashes out and strikes the mirror head on. The mirror spider webs out from your point of impact. Great. Now you have to get that replaced too...
You look down. And now your fist has glass in it! Great!
You dig out your tweezers and start prying the glass out of your knuckles. This isn't too bad, nothing some rubbing alcohol and a few hours won't fix.
Speaking of alcohol, that whiskey is coming back to you. You toss the tweezers in the sink and collapse back onto your bed. You'd just stay here forever if you thought it wouldn't backfire...
Dammit...
Stupid immortal life...
You slam a pillow over your head as you try to will yourself asleep. You silently wonder how bad it would be if you didn't wake up.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
You wake up at your normal time of the day. You know what day it is. You sit up in bed and glare out at the sun beating down through your window.
Fuck you sun, you piece of shit.
At first you consider just lying back down, you don't have anything to really do today... You shake your head to get that fucking stupid thought out, staying in bed all day today would drive you nuts.
You jump out of bed and head for the kitchen. You planned your day over a bowl of cereal.
What you needed to do was stay active, doing nothing would lead to too much thinking. Not after last night...
You can't afford to think today.
You toss your bowl in the sink and head for the shower. The water beating down on you didn't distract you enough, you ended up having to recite poetry. The shower was probably a terrible fucking idea, too many memories in here. You went back into your room and threw on some clothes.
Most of your original shirts had degraded over the MANY centuries, but you had held on to Rarity's old measurements of you for the royal seamstresses. Even then they could never get sleeves perfect, you were forced to wear an almost sleeveless tunic all the time.
It might have been from the increase in muscle mass you had gotten over the years too, being a logician was surprisingly taxing sometimes. You dress yourself and grab ever-sharp David off the nightstand. You never left home without him nowadays.
You kick open the hatch in your floor and descend the ladder down to the street. It was a bit of a pain, but it kept you from getting fucking robbed. It was cool as hell too.
You take a deep breath. Let's get this day over with...
-Music-
You trudged down the street with your hands in your pockets. Every city had it's rough areas and Canterlot was no different. You had been walking around the new platforms for a while, trying to find some wrongs to right in the more lawless hangouts.
Fucking nothing.
Not one break in, or fight, or fucking purse snatching to be found in the entire fucking city. Celestia probably has the entire city in on some stupid scheme to screw with you, the incandescent bitch.
You had been reduced to counting just to avoid thinking. It wasn't all completely awful, you had never counted to ten thousand before.
This stupid city had been boring you over the last few HUNDRED YEARS.
Couldn't all be like Anon. Sitting in a stone tower, subverting the universe with magic, finding new loves and having a shit-zillion adopted kids.
No, someone had to pound the pavement to find where the leaks in the bucket were.
It was the same thing every damn day. Wake up, piss around the city, solve some stupid problem that any idiot with a brain should be able to solve, irritate Celestia, go home and be alone to start it all again.
It. Was getting. Old.
You make your way to the guard barracks to see what they were up to. Maybe they'd at least be an interesting distraction.
This stupid kid had no idea what he was doing. Neither of them did. Dancing around each other with their spears and their shields, too afraid of getting hurt to take a chance.
One of them, a Corporal, charged the Private he was sparring against in a big showy move. The Private should have been able to dodge that easy, but he looked like he was moving in gunk for all his speed. The Private missed the tip of the spear by an inch and practically stumbled away.
Uhg. You can't watch this.
"Enough! Enough." you shout.
You hop off the box you were seated on and push your way through the ring of stallions watching the brawl.
"What the shit was that?" you ask as you waltz into the middle of the makeshift ring set up in the barracks courtyard?
You snatch the spear off of the ground and bonk one on the head a bit. "You move that slow in the real world and you're fuckin' dead, kid."
The two guards glance at each other. "Well, si-"
"No fuckin' buts. If you don't shape up you're gonna be a fuckin' corpse when someone or something invades the city."
The rest of the guards look quizzical. "Are you expecting an invasion, sir?"
"We live in the most powerful city on the planet, you idiot. Our rulers raise and lower the sun and moon. Everyone wants a piece of that." you spit.
The guards just watch you rant.
"Discord wanted it. The Dogfather wanted it. Whatever High Jarl the Griffins have right now probably wants it. And you colts are the only thing standing in their way."
You spin the spear around and plant it's tip into the ground. "But you're not gonna do fucking shit if you don't learn how to fight against a proper opponent."
One guard speaks up. "What do you suggest we do, sir?"
Now there's an idea...
"You'll fight me."
They all exchange glances now. "Uh..who, sir?"
"All of you."
-Music-
You flick the spear off the ground and broadside the guard on the ground. His friend tries to help him, but he's put down by a punch to the neck. The rest of the stallions rush in to help their friends.
Finally! Something to do!
You revel in the fight as the first wave crashes into you. You bring one down with a blow to the forelegs and another two by throwing them into each other. One tries to jump on your back, but he's torn off and stomped into the dirt.
You duck under a wide swing as the stallions begin to get their bearings. You deliver a haymaker on the lead one and use him as a stepping stone to dive back into those behind him. Stallions are smashed headfirst into the ground or kicked in the face or have their legs dislocated.
Eventually, your worst fears are remembered. These twats have no idea what they're doing!
It's all become routine!
Block a strike, blow to the chest, spin a hundred eighty degrees and do it again on his friend. Only every so often do you get somepony particularly daring, but even they're too stupid to dodge a telegraphed kick to the neck.
It's not long before the routine nature the fight was taking on angers you even more.
Dammit!
"FIGHT ME!"
They continue to throw themselves at you.
"ONE OF YOU LIMP DICK FAGGOTS FUCKING FIGHT ME!"
You feel bones snap and hear grunts and groans but you keep going.
"WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU FIGHT ME!?"
You're about to dive on this Private who probably pissed himself when a voice breaks through your Black Rage. "ENOUGH!"
You can feel the ground shake as the Guard Captain stomps his hooves up to the ring. "Logician! What is the meaning of you beating my guards senseless?" he booms.
"What's the meaning of your pathetic guards not being able to put up a blasted fight, Kamos!?"
He snorts and stomps over to you, slamming his ridiculously compensatory mace on the ground. Kamos was a Minotaur, brought in to teach the guards how to fight in a different way than they had learned. He was failing.
"You've wounded over half my troops here!" he shouts.
You look back into the ring. There must have been three dozen stallions lying on the ground. Most were just cradling their heads, but a few had some bloody wounds or legs pointing off in the wrong directions. One was in the corner with his hooves between his legs biting his lip.
"Your troops could fight their way out of a wet paper bag!" you yell.
Kamos shoves his horned head in your face. "I will not be lectured on the state of my guards by a city planner!"
You grab him by the horns. "And I will not be lectured on how well these runts can fight by a mercenary calf! I barely broke a sweat here!"
Kamos twists horns out of your hands and grabs his mace. "Leave this place, Logician. Before I make you."
Hah. You'd like to see him try. Should just grab David and open this steak dinner up...
You glance around at the ring, these stallions would make it hard to fight. Some might end up getting hurt worse.
You flare your nostrils and turn to walk out. "Fine, lick your wounds, you bumbling bovine."
You went back to your apartment to grab something else to occupy your mind and change your shirt. The stallions had managed to tear it up a bit in the fight. Maybe there was hope yet, all they needed was six times that number and you might actually be bleeding.
You head back to the castle just as the sun is being set. You had worked this out a while ago, saved it for a rainy day. You set up your Big Honkin' Slingshot in the castle gardens and aim it at Celestia's window.
If you were right, she would be brushing her hair in preparation to go to bed right now. Now you just needed your math to be right.
You loaded the plastic bag into the slingshot. A bag full of month old mayonnaise that had been sitting in the sun and a bit of your piss flying through the window. Priceless.
You pulled back on the basket and tuned your ear. If you listened carefully, you could hear Celestia humming to herself in her room.
Best you were gonna get.
You release the bag and watch it sail across the courtyard into Celestia's room. You hear a gasp of surprise after the wet "SPLAT" of the bag breaking and hope for the best.
Now for the fun part.
"Let's see how well the sun can chase someone!" you holler.
You turn and run out of the gardens, the sound of flapping wings following you.
You had of course planned out your route in advance. You bobbed and weaved through the city streets, intent on making this chase as hard for Celestia as you could. You burst through a bakery and ran out the back to avoid her sight, ignoring the shocked faces of the patrons.
As you rounded a corner, you heard the shattering sound of a pot breaking.
"Bill the castle!" you shout back.
You glanced up and saw the tip of a white wing over top of a roof.
Fuck, pick up the pace.
You ran into a small plaza and dashed down an alley. A quick stab of David into the ponyhole cover at the rear got it open and allowed you to drop in.
You couldn't hear much over the running water and your own boots echoing in the tunnel, but you kept moving.
After a few minutes and several turns, you came to the end of the line. A hole in the side of the city served as the end of the waterways underneath the streets. You stopped and watched as the water dropped out of Canterlot to form an artificial waterfall.
You looked back down the tunnel and saw only blackness. You chuckle to yourself as you sit against the wall.
"Looks like I win this round, Sunshine."
"Win what?"
You almost shat your heart out your asshole as you jumped to your feet.
Celestia was standing at the edge of the tunnel, a confused look on her face.
Fuck.
"Well, you found me." you say as you wave a hand at her. "What's my punishment gonna be? Changing your sheets? Finding your new boy-toys? Do I have to be your slave for a week?"
Celestia cants her head. "Mous, what are you talking about? It was just a mirror."
Wait. Mirror? Then the bag didn't hit...
"FUCK!"
You slumped back against the tunnel wall.
"Mous, are you alright?" Celestia asks.
"Yep. Fucking great. I'm just fucking grand today, Celestia."
She takes a few steps towards you. "No, you're not."
You snap your head at her and glare daggers. "And how the fuck would you know?"
Her face hardens. "Well, even if I didn't just follow you on a chase through the city, or know about what you did at the barracks earlier."
Fuck you life.
"I can still see that you're angry about something." she says.
You grunt. "No. All fine and dandy here. Just Ol' Mous enjoying his fucking eternal life doing the same goddamn thing day in and day out."
Celestia lowers her head."Mous, talk to me."
"Fuck you." you say as you get to your feet.
You didn't need this. You don't need to think about what's wrong.
You're about to walk down the tunnel and go home when a silver screen of light materializes in front of you. "You're not leaving until you tell me what's wrong, Mous." Celestia says.
You feel your anger at everything boil over.
"Fine! You want to know what's wrong?" You turn and stomp towards Celestia, jamming a finger into her face. "I've been in your city for over SIX. HUNDRED. FUCKING. YEARS! All I do every day is solve stupid problems and go home to wallow!"
"This has never been a problem for you before." Celestia says.
"Well it's a problem today!"
"Why?"
"Fuck you! That's why!"
"Mous..."
You growl as your anger grows to new heights and the thoughts come rushing in.
"IT'S BECAUSE I'M DOING ALL THIS ALONE! IT'S BEEN SIX HUNDRED YEARS SINCE MY WIFE DIED AND I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT TODAY! I CAN'T BE LIKE ANON GET A NEW WIFE OR HUSBAND OR WHATEVER HE'S ON NOW EVERY HUNDRED OR SO YEARS!"
"SO THAT'S WHY I'M FUCKING MAD CELESTIA!"
You turn from her and go to the wall. "I'M MAD BECAUSE I MISS MY GODDAMN WIFE!"
"AND I JUST!"
You boot lashes out and strikes the wall.
"CAN'T!"
Again.
"DEAL WITH THIS IMMORTAL CRAP TODAY!"
The tunnel is filled with the sound of you kicking the stone wall repeatedly until you feel something on your face.
Celestia was rubbing her snout against your cheek.
You shoot away from her and hold up your wedding bracelet-thing. "Whoa! Hey! Married man!"
Celestia chuckles. "Well, I had to do something to get you to stop abusing my masonry."
She sits with her back to the same wall you were kicking. "You're upset because you're alone in your immortal life? Join the club."
Tch.
"Yeah right. The Princess who brings a new stallion into her room every hour is lonesome."
"It wasn't always like that, Mous." she says.
"Oh yes, I'm sure you experimented with mare too. Leave me the fuck alone Celest-"
"I was married once too."
...Okay, this would be good.
"Bull." you say.
"It's true."
"When?"
Celestia stares off into the distance. "Oh...it was...about right after Luna had to be banished."
You stay quiet as Celestia reminisces. "Luna and I were always close... But when she turned into Nightmare Moon and I had to banish her...I lost my only friend in the world. The only one who knew what it was like to be an immortal..."
Celestia looks like she may cry for a moment before she recomposes herself. "My husband was Grand Magister at the time. He was the one who was able to bring the Elements of Harmony into a physical form."
"...And the only one I could turn to when Luna was gone."
You lean against a nearby wall. "So, you two were close."
Celestia smiles as she remembers. "We were inseparable. What started as two friends grieving over another turned into a feeling I still can't describe."
You gesture to her. "So what made you...like...this?"
Celestia's face falls again. "The same thing that happened to you, My husband died. At first I was able to rule well enough...but soon I began to ache for his touch, the warmness I felt inside when he was near."
She turns to you. "I tried finding others, others that I could hope to love as much as I did him. However, I would take far, far too long...Time is different for an immortal. You can feel like only days had past and then find the object of your affections dying in your arms."
"So..."
"So I decided to never be hurt by loss again. I fell into a pit of mindless pleasure seeking in an attempt to stop the days from piling up and to keep the feelings out."
You remain silent for a bit.
"So, did it work?"
Celestia sighs. "It did. But not for the better."
"What do you mean?" you ask.
Celestia gets to her feet. "I mean where once I felt my feelings for ponies swell and dive, now they just remain...stagnant. I walk down the hall of the palace and don't see guards with lives and families... Just pony shaped hourglasses slowly losing their sand."
"And the boy-toys?"
"A momentary distraction to drive out the misery of the eons until I can find the next."
Well...damn.
"So, what does this have to do with me?" you ask.
Celestia sighs and casts a spell, causing the screen behind you to fall.
"What it means, Mous. Is that I consider you one of my only true friends in this city. One who understand the burdens on an immortal life."
Her voice falls to a whisper. "And I don't want to see you make a mistake like I did..." Celestia turns to the ledge and spreads her wings. "Find something to live for Mous. Be it another pony, or Anon, or even just to see another sunrise. Just remember that you can't live a life in misery, nor can you do it by only living for yourself."
With that Celestia jumps off the ledge and takes to the skies.
Her words remind you of a phrase you were always saying. "Force your way down a path your choose to take."
You...wanted to be happy again. Lotus would have wanted you to be happy again.
You sigh and begin to walk down the tunnel back home, with plans to find a way to get happy.
-Music-