Hi, everypony, and welcome to another episode of Twilight Tries!
Today’s episode is going to be a very special one, and for more reasons than one. The first reason it’s going to be special is because I’ll be following in the hoofsteps of a pony whom I admire greatly, and the second reason is because it’s going to help prove that pony wrong.
Today, I’m going to try…royal guard training!
So if the reveal of what it is I’m trying today didn’t give it away, the pony I was just referring to is my big brother, Shining Armor. And by now you might be wondering why it is I’m trying royal guard training to prove him wrong, so allow me to explain.
You see, last week Shining Armor and his family came to Ponyville for a visit, and for the majority of that visit things went pretty well. Shining and I saw one of our favorite comedians, Jade Olive, perform some standup at a local comedy club, Cadence and I got a chance to finally discuss the Oberon Theory of Teleportation Spells, and best of all, I got some playtime in with Flurry Heart!
Playtime with Flurry is always so fun!
But during dinner on the last night of their visit, things started to go, well…not so well. It all started when Shining Armor and I started reminiscing about when we were younger, specifically about when we each left home. And just so everypony knows, Shining left home when he joined the royal guard corps and I left when I reached the independent study portion of my education as Princess Celestia’s student. Now at some point during this reminiscing, Shining made a rather off-hoofed comment about how, between the two of us, he was the one who’d had things more difficult after leaving home.
And as you can imagine, I disagreed with that comment.
Now to be perfectly clear, I’m not saying that I think things weren’t difficult for Shining when he left home. I’m sure that they were. I’m just saying that I don’t think they were as difficult as they were for me. I mean, when he ventured out on his own he joined a military organization that provided him with structure and direction, whereas when I ventured out on my own I was involved in a program that had no defined structure and next to no direction. He had guidance while I had to figure everything out all on my own and he thinks he was the one who had things more difficult?! Seriously?!
*DEEP BREATH*
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So anyways, after I voiced my disagreement with Shining Armor’s belief that he had things more difficult than I did we traded a few passive-aggressive barbs with one another for a bit, during which time Shining gingerly implied that, had I enrolled in royal guard training, I would’ve quit before the end of the first week.
Needless to say, things started to escalate fairly quickly from there. Thankfully though, Cadence managed to intervene and diffuse things before Shining Armor or I said anything that we couldn’t take back. The rest of the dinner went fine after that, and soon after Shining, Cadence, and Flurry Heart left with no hard feelings between any of us. But despite there not being any hard feelings, there is one thing that’s been bothering me since then: Shining questioned my fortitude in front of Flurry Heart.
So that’s why I’m here at the Royal Guard Academy today! I’m going to go through the first week of their training program and prove that I’m not some sort of wimp. After all, we can’t have Flurry Heart thinking that her Auntie Twily is a wimp.
We can’t have that at all.
But enough of all that, let’s get started!
Day 1
Oh dear, a five-mile trot. How awful. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this week if I have to trot.
In case you couldn’t tell, I was being sarcastic just now. I actually think a long trot will do me some good. I…may have gained a few extra pounds as of late due to some stress eating.
Lousy elevated cortisol levels.
But anywhoo, let’s get trotting!
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Yeah, this royal guard training is going to be a walk in the park.
Pun intended.
Day 3
Phew.
So it appears that the five-mile trot is something that we do every day. Which is something I have no problem with, mind you, but, you know…I just didn’t realize that it was something we’d be doing every day.
I'm pretty sure I’ve already lost those few extra pounds. And then some.
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Ma’am, yes, ma’am!
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Okay, so it appears that we’re going to have another armor inspection now. These seem to be a pretty constant thing around here as well, but they’re really not that big a deal. At least for me. Not to brag or anything, but I’ve passed every inspection so far with flying colors thanks to the special armor cleaner I created.
It’s just white wine vinegar with a dash of salt mixed in.
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Ma’am, presenting armor for inspection, ma’am!
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A stain?
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Oh, t-there is a stain.
Ma’am, this trainee apologizes for the shoddiness of her armor, ma’am! The trainee believes it came from the jelly donut she had in the mess hall this morning, ma’am!
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I’m going to be punished by…having everypony else do push-ups?
Um, all righty then.
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And I’m going to eat a jelly donut while they do those push-ups?
I’m not sure I’m following the logic behind this punishment.
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Ma’am, yes, ma’am! Commencing donut eating now, ma’am!
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Mmm. Good donut.
Day 5
So, yeah, I think I figured out the logic behind that jelly donut punishment; it was to make everypony else not like me. Because ever since that whole incident none of the other trainees have spoken to me unless absolutely necessary.
It’s actually a pretty good punishment when you think about it, given how team-oriented the royal guards are.
But you know what? I’m not going to let this setback deter me. In fact, I’m going to let it motivate me into becoming a royal guard so extraordinary that everypony will forget all about the jelly donut incident!
I mean, I don’t intend to actually become a royal guard, but you know what I’m trying to say.
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Looks like it’s time to fall in.
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We’re doing chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear training today?!
Oh dear. I hope this isn’t going to end up being a repeat of the Learning Nuclear Physics episode.
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Ma’am, yes, ma’am!
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Oof!
Wow, this equipment bag is kind of heavy. Let’s see what we’ve got in here: a gas mask, some kind of special hoodie, a -
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G-Gas?!
Where was that gas mask?! Where was that gas mask?!
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Found it!
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*DEEP BREATHING*
Oh thank goodness. I managed to get my mask on in time.
Can you all still understand what I’m saying? I can’t tell if the gas mask is muffling my voice too much for you to still understand me.
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Uh-oh, looks like the pony next to me is having some trouble with her mask.
Let me help you with that.
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There you go. Nice and tight.
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Don’t mention it. We’ve got to have each other’s backs, you know.
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Aaaand now we have to do push-ups in the gas. Wonderful.
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*GRUNT*
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*GRUNT*
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Oh, thank goodness we’re done. I’m not sure how many more push-ups I could’ve done.
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*DEEP BREATH*
Phew, it feels good to take that mask off. These things may be effective at helping you stay safe but they’re definitely not that comfortable to wear. I wonder if Rarity might be able to design a gas mask that’s both effective and comfortable?
I’ll have to remember to ask her later.
But you know, that really wasn’t too bad. When I heard chemical, biological, radiological and nuclear training I thought for sure that meant we were going to learn about defusing dirty bombs or something, but all it ended up being was learning how to utilize our equipment if we ever find ourselves in a chemical, biological, radiological or nuclear situation.
I wonder what’s next?
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A-Another five-mile trot. Okie doki then.
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Oh, the pony I helped with their gas mask.
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Oh, sure, we can trot together. I’d like that very much! Thank you!
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I think the jelly donut incident is already starting to be forgotten.
Day 7
*HEAVY BREATHING*
Okay, so…remember a few days ago…when I sarcastically said that…five-mile trots were awful? Well I…retract the sarcasm. After a week of trotting five miles every day…I genuinely feel that five-mile trots…are awful now.
*HEAVY BREATHING*
Sorry, but I…need a quick minute to…catch my breath.
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Okay, better.
Now that I can breathe normally again, I’m going to take this opportunity to admit that Shining Armor was right; he had things more difficult when he left home than I did. This royal guard training has been way more physically intensive than I’d originally thought it was.
And you know what? After giving it some deeper thought, I’m pretty sure that Shining Armor and I were going off of different criteria for what constituted things being difficult when each of us left home while we were arguing about it. I was thinking in terms of tectonic difficulty and I’m betting that he was thinking in terms of somatic difficulty.
In hindsight, I probably should’ve realized that a lot sooner.
But regardless, he was right. I may have struggled after leaving home because of the unstructured nature of my independent study program, but all of this structured training has definitely taken more out of me than that study program ever did.
A lot more.
So right now I’ve still got another half-a-day of training before my week is completed, and even though I’ve conceded that Shining had things more difficult than I did I’m still going to see this through to the end. I said that I was going to do this training for a full week, after all, and I don’t intend on going back on my word now. Especially since I’m so close to the finish line, so to speak.
And there’s still the issue of making sure Flurry Heart doesn’t think her Auntie Twilight is a wimp on top of that.
But anywhoo, I think I’m going to end the episode here. I’m already feeling pretty tired as it is, and I’m afraid that if I wait until later to end this episode I’ll be too tired to do it properly.
So as always, thanks for watching, everypony, and I’ll see you next time on Twilight Tries!
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Ma’am, yes, ma’am!
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Thank you, ma’am!
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Figures. My last day here and I get stuck with fire watch.
Oh well, no point in complaining about it; it is what it is. And besides, what’s the worst that could happen while patrolling the barracks at night?