//------------------------------// // 1 - Better a witty fool // Story: She's the flan // by TheInfamousFly //------------------------------// Pinkie Pie bounced through the streets of Ponyville, Gummy bouncing along with her, his tiny jaws clamped tightly over a strand of curling hair. As she went, she smiled and greeted each of her neighbors by name. "Good morning, Klarity Cut! Nice mustache, Ace Point! Watch'ya playing, Apple Bytes? Cool costume, Amethyst Star! Smells good, Savoir Fare! Keep up the sunny weather, Jetstream!" She paused when she saw Caramel Chance, a rather forgetful pony, atop a ladder, struggling with his end of a "Welcome to Ponyville, Princess Cadence!" With a smile, she wrapped both hooves around the base of the ladder, instantly steadying it. "Don't worry, I gotchya!" She called up to him. He blushed and gave an uneasy smile, before pounding the nail in the corner of the banner into the wooden plank in which it was embedded. "Th-thanks a lot Pinkie Pie..." He said, quickly descending the ladder. Like many Earth Ponies, he was uncomfortable far off the ground. "Sure thing! That's what friends are for silly!" She said, booping him on the nose with her hoof and then smiling at Thunderlane, the Pegasus who had long ago finished nailing in the other side of the banner. "Turn that frown upside down, Thunderlane. These decorations are gonna knock Princess Cadence's socks off!" Thunderlane rolled his eyes, but Pinkie Pie didn't notice. She was too busy continuing her peculiar mode of movement down main street, all the while cheering on every creature to continue in their preparations. Normally, the upcoming holiday would warrant this level of decor, but it was not every year that the Princess of Love decided to pay Ponyville a visit. Ponies from all over Equestria had taken advantage of the hubbub and even three days before Cadence's arrival, the alleys were filled with musicians, performers, rodeo clowns and roustabouts setting up booths for various, love-themed carnival games. Pinkie loved games. Especially ones with hoops and bottles and brightly colored stuffed animals as the prizes, waiting to be won. It was always fun to see Applejack ring the bell at the high striker to. Pinkie Pie didn't like to advertise her own Earth Pony strength. She would rather ponies remember her for her parties and her pastries. But there was something about seeing another pony do it, especially a close friend like Applejack that got her all excited. It reminded her of the feats that Maud used to do, the kind which she and Marble Pie would cheer her on for (well, Pinkie would cheer her on, but Marble Pie would give moral support). She skidded to halt outside Rarity's Boutique, grinning at the sign in the window. "50% off dresses for Hearts and Hooves day!" Pinkie wasn't much for dresses. They always restricted her movement and parties were for dancing, not dressing up. Still, she was always glad to admire the beautiful creations which Rarity could form out of silk and satin. It was a skill which she'd not seen replicated in all her travels across Equestria. Rarity had an eye for beauty and beauty seemed to flow from her so easily, that if Pinkie Pie hadn't been such good friends with her for so long, she might have believed it was effortless. She remembered her father, Igneous, telling her that ponies in the big city (which, to the Pie family, had been any city at all) wasted time on frivolous pursuits like gaudy clothing and frivolous music. Of course, he had grown a lot, since his most awkward daughter became one of the heroes of the realm. Still, his opinion of the arts had stayed with her during her first months in Ponyville. She had worked so hard to become everypony's friends and to fulfill the destiny of her Cutie Mark and she'd worried that he had been right, and that she was being drawn in by something that was intangible and unproductive. Then Rarity had shown her the light. Her generosity in those first few months when Pinkie Pie was relying on the hospitality of the Cakes had inspired her to keep going and reassured her that she had made the right choice. Her place was in Ponyville. The two had barely fought throughout their relationship, and although Pinkie's messiness had made it difficult for them to spend as much time together as Pinkie would have liked, it only meant that Pinkie appreciated it all the more, when Rarity attended one of her parties, knowing how particular she was about getting confetti in her mane. Sticking her tongue out between her teeth with effort, Pinkie stood up on her hind legs and took a few steps backwards. Then charged the front door, flying inside utterly without grace, and cartwheeling over to the area of the shop where she knew she'd find her BUFF (Best Unicorn Friend Forever) working on her next big outfit. As she came to a stop, she lifted both hooves in the air as if expecting applause and took a deep breath. "GOOOOOD...MORNING...RARITY!" She yelled, shaking the timbers of the building and receiving a single blink out of Gummy. Her smile dropped when she failed to get the reception she'd expected. Sitting on the stool in front of the worktable was a unicorn with a familiar white coat and purple mane. But she was slumped over her latest chef-d'oeuvre, picking at the hemline of a beautiful emerald ball-gown with one hoof while she used the other to rifle through a box of chocolates. "Rarity...are you okay?" Pinkie asked. Usually, she could get a reaction out of any creature, just by being herself. She wondered briefly if she'd lost some of her touch, at having failed to cheer up Rarity's morning. "Oh. Hello Pinkie Pie. What a pleasant surprise. Please...take a seat." Rarity said, popping the next caramel-coconut twist into her mouth and inhaling it without bothering to savor its perfect mixture of saltiness and crunchiness. "Rarity, you're going to get chocolate on this beautiful dress!" Pinkie said, hopping up onto the table and inspecting the gown. "Oh. Really? It doesn't matter. I can always just make something better to replace it. That's all I'm good for, making dresses. That and saving Equestria from countless apocalyptic dangers of course." "Rarity, you're not making any sense." Pinkie said, leaning down towards her. Rarity sighed and rolled her head over so that she was staring lazily up into Pinkie's quizzical eyes and popped a dark-chocolate cherry explosion into her mouth. "I'm sorry Diana, I am just not in the mood for the usual tomfoolery this morning." Pinkie scratched her head and then pressed a hoof to Rarity's head. When she had determined that there wasn't a fluxuation in temperature in the unicorns body, she leaned down and whispered "Why not?" "Because..." Rarity began, sliding off her stool and collapsing into a pile of self-pity on the ground. "No pony loves me." Pinkie considered this for a moment and then laughed. "Oh, Rarity, that's silly! Of course, ponies love you! Your parents, your little sister, me, Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy-" "No, Pinkie...I mean, no pony is...in love with me." Rarity clarified. "I have dedicated my entire life to...refining myself. Making myself as desirable as possible...but every time I see some creature I fancy; it ends in mortification and regret. I am doomed, Pinkie...doomed to grow old without a hoof to hold and to die...unwooed and unloved." At this, her eyes welled up and she rolled over, turning her gaze glumly toward the floor. "That's not true!" Pinkie insisted. Even she was surprised that Rarity didn't have a special somepony at this point. "It's not your fault." Rarity conceded. "I've been so busy building up a fashion empire, helping you and the others protect Equestria, I've barely had time to pursue somepony worth spending time with. Meanwhile, the few which I have pursued have always been...uninterested in me." Pinkie winced, remembering the stories about the prince and the travel writer. The stories had been recounted in jest and they had all laughed together at how ridiculousness of Rarity crushing her own slipper or dressing up as a farmhand. But in hindsight, the amusing aspects of the story had only been a distraction from the underlying angst. Neither stallion had been the least bit interested in actually spending time with Rarity. She was so beautiful, within and without. If Pinkie could notice that, how was it that no other pony had? Pinkie shook herself, quickly recovering her normal exuberance. If no other pony was going to make Rarity feel wanted, then it would just fall to her. "Rarity, you're the kindest, most gentle, most generous mare in all of Equestria!" Pinkie declared, grabbing her friend and staring deep into her red-rimmed eyes. "Just because somepony hasn't fallen in love with you yet, doesn't mean they never will!" Rarity looked back down at the floor. "Obviously, Pinkie..." Then she dropped from Pinkie's hold, standing up on her own hooves at last. "I suppose I should put on a brave face for my public. After all, there are creatures with lives far worse than mine..." She paused as she turned away. "It's only...I've always wanted to...well, you know...to be courted. Like in stories. To feel those butterflies in my stomach I've always heard about and know that the other creature is feeling the same...well, I suppose it's time I grow up, eh?" Pinkie watched her normally self-confident friend trot out of sight, still staring at the floor in defeat. Then she jumped to her feet. One of her friends...deciding she needed to grow up? Not in this lifetime, not as long as there was something Pinkie could do about it. With unparalleled speed she zipped off the table and out the front door of the boutique, returning only briefly to finish the chocolates that Rarity had left behind and deposit the box in a recycling container. She would need all the energy she could get for what came next. "I can't believe you still haven't told her!" Rainbow Dash said, as they arranged Cumulus humilis in the atmosphere directly above Ponyville. Although she had long ago left the job of weatherpony behind, her tour with the Wonderbolts was over for the year and Applejack had so very sweetly naggedsuggested that she help her second home with preparations that she'd felt like a jerk trying to nap while everypony else was working. Plus, it gave her a chance to talk to Flutterdash in private. Flutterdash didn't answer, focusing instead of pushing the cloud at her hoof-tips. Her eyes were downcast though and her gaze focused on the tiny forms of buildings below. "This is the perfect opportunity...just ask if she wants to dance with you. Even if she says no, you can just pretend that you meant it as a friend." Rainbow said. "But...I don't want to lie to her...about my feelings..." Fluttershy said. "Then tell her the truth!" Rainbow ordered, landing on Fluttershy's cloud. "You're already lying to her every time you two go to the spa together!" Fluttershy wilted. "But Rainbow...what if she doesn't like me back. Then we won't be able to hang out anymore." Rainbow ran a hoof across her face. "C'mon, Fluttershy...do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling bad every time you see her with somepony else? Just...tell her about your feelings and we can stop talking about this every time we get some alone time." Fluttershy frowned. "Rainbow, you're the one who doesn't want anypony to know about your relationship with Applejack." Rainbow's eyes widened and sweat began to form on her brow. Then she folded her forelegs together across her chest. "That's different. That's just because...I have a fan club and I know it would crush them if they found out I'm taken. Besides, it's not like I was afraid to tell Applejack I liked her." "But isn't she the one who kissed you?" Fluttershy asked. "Hey! We're talking about your problem right now, not mine." Rainbow said. Then she sighed. "Okay, fine...I-I know how you feel, okay, Fluttershy? Before...before me and Applejack kissed...I was afraid to tell her I liked her. I worried that...that she might not like me. But you can't live your whole life being afraid...trust me, you will feel better, when you tell her the truth." Fluttershy considered this for a moment. "Rainbow Dash?" "Yes, Fluttershy?" "You knew that Applejack liked mares...before you two kissed, right?" "Uh...yeah, why?" "Well, the thing is...I don't know if Rarity likes mares." "Fluttershy..." "Oh, please, Rainbow! She's only ever talked about dating stallions...for all I know, she might not...have the romantic feelings the same way I do." "Uh, Fluttershy, I'm pretty sure Rarity is romantic. She swoons at every other stallion we meet." Fluttershy glared up at Rainbow. "Right, not helping. Sorry." Fluttershy sighed. "It's just...I wish there was some way to know...you know, before I asked her." Rainbow sighed. "Alright, fine. If I find out, for you, if Rarity likes mares, do you promise that you're going to ask her to go on a date with you for Hearts and Hooves Day?" Fluttershy considered her options for a moment. Then she nodded. Rainbow let out a deep sigh of relief. Finally, it was hard enough keeping her and Applejack's relationship secret. The sooner Fluttershy just spat it out, the fewer secrets Rainbow had to worry about never revealing. It was hard sometimes, being the Element of Loyalty. But Fluttershy would thank her, when it was over and done with. "So, Di, what is it this time?" Silver Spoon asked, as she climbed into the booth of the Hay Burger. Since their first big blowout, she had slowly grown more comfortable with being able to express her exasperation with her friend, instead of just parroting whatever she thought she wanted to hear. She still didn't know if it was a healthy relationship, but it was for sure a lot more fun. "Well, you know how Hearts and Hooves Day is coming up?" Diamond Tiara asked, as Silver Spoon, realizing that she was in for a long and in-depth rant, raised a hoof to order a serving of horseshoe fries. "Uh, yeah..." Silver said, with a glance to the copious decorations which had somehow made their town even more nauseatingly pink than normal. "Well, I just thought...wouldn't it be totally ironic if like, I invited somepony to the dance?" Diamond said, twirling her mane around her hoof. "Di, you don't have to pretend you're too cool for the dance." Silver Spoon said with a snide smile. "It totally doesn't make you a square..." Diamond Tiara shot her a glare, but then a look of consternation replaced her annoyance. "Silver Spoon, do you remember when we used to...umm, be really mean to some of the fillies in our class." "You mean when we bullied the Cutie Marker Crusaders?" Silver Spoon asked, with a slurp from the complimentary cider which had come with her fries. Diamond's face fell. "Wha-uh, I mean...yeah?? How-how long have you known?" "I figured it out after you sang that song with them about just being yourself. It was either you were in the closet or you were secretly a changeling." Silver Spoon said, meeting the sweetness of the cider in her mouth with the salty crispiness of the fries. "Oh...o-okay..." Diamond said, her eyes lowering. "Which one did you want to ask?" Silver Spoon asked, through a mouthful of fries. "Becash if itsh Shcootaloo, I shink that ship has shailed." Diamond closed her eyes, overcome with regret. It was only as she'd matured and exposed herself to more ponies that she'd realized how terrible her mockery of Scootaloo's wings was. She'd told herself that she never would have said those things if she'd known how serious not being able to fly was in Pegasus cultures. But the reality is that she had tormented another filly for something she couldn't help and while she had been able to slowly build trust with Applebloom and Sweetie Belle, she had remained at wing's length from Scootaloo, terrified that the Pegasus would confront her about the things she knew she couldn't take back. "Diamond, relax...we said a lot of stupid things back then." Silver Spoon said. "You can't torture yourself for every time you messed up in your childhood." "Silver, do you think if somepony bullied you, you would ever want to go dancing with them?" Diamond asked, with a fixed glare. "Well, when you put it that way..." Silver Spoon said, with a contemplative hoof to her chin. "Ugh. Why couldn't it be somepony else?" Diamond Tiara asked, slumping her face into the table. "So, it is Scootaloo then?" Silver Spoon asked. Diamond Tiara shook her head, slowly. "S-Sweetie Belle..." She admitted, in a voice barely audible. "Ooooh...I didn't realize you liked the unicorn mares." Silver said, leaning over the table. "Uggggh...can you please not make this worse?" Diamond Tiara asked, in a voice that was so pitiful Silver had to take mercy on her. "Relax, I'm just teasing...if it makes you feel any better, I'm really into those crystal ponies." Silver said. "Can you imagine how much they must glitter while their showering?" "C-can we get back to my problems?" Diamond Tiara asked, suddenly deeply uncomfortable with this conversation. Silver rolled her eyes. "Do your parents know? About the mare thing, not the unicorn thing. I know they aren't that racist." "My parents aren't racist...their just...classist." Diamond Tiara said, uncertain if this was better once she'd said it out loud. "Anyway, this isn't about them, my mother might be mad I'm not interested in the colts from the Canter Club, but my dad just wants me to be happy, alright?" "Well, then what's the problem?" Silver asked, taking another sip from her drink. "You've already apologized, and the crusaders have forgiven you, haven't they?" "They might have said that but..." Diamond Tiara groaned. "What-what if it isn't enough?" "You know what it sounds like," Silver asked, leaning across the table. "It SOUNDS like you're just looking for some reason to avoid asking her out." She leaned back and took another sip. "If she says no, it just means that you're actions as a spoiled brat have forever tainted your chances at happiness. It's no big deal." Diamond groaned again and Silver cackled with schadenfreude. Sweetie Belle sat in the backroom of the Carousel Boutique, kneeling over an immense strip of orange construction paper, using her telekinesis to draw the purple sparkly glue across the paper. When she was done, the message "WILL YOU DANCE WITH ME THIS HEARTS AND HOOVES DAY?" had been drawn across the center of the oversized card, in big sparkly letters. She bit her lip as she considered her efforts. Somehow, they still weren't...awesome enough. With that, she popped up and levitated over from Rarity's collection (the specific materials her sister had set aside for her to use in projects such as this) a couple of jars of glitter, spilling two multicolored streams of dazzlement across the face of the card and grinning at the end project. Then she took a deep breath and, using her magic, lifted the giant card and folded it carefully, before haphazardly stuffing it into her backpack, throwing the backpack over her neck and galloping out of the room. No more hiding her feelings. No more being afraid. For all her foalhood, she had dreamed of the kind of romance she'd read about in storybooks. But she wasn't waiting for somepony to come sweep her off her feet. She was going after the thing she wanted. Her heart fluttered, with the innocence of childish attachment and the eagerness for reciprocation. She was not a little filly anymore. She was finally ready to tell Scootaloo the truth. Being the Element of Laughter was fun. But it came with a lot of responsibilities. Responsibilities like making sure that your friends who were extremely talented and powerful never took themselves too seriously. And making sure that if they fell into a slump, like Rarity clearly had, you were there to pick them up. Words clearly weren't going to help. No, she needed to show Rarity how much she was loved. And that meant taking action. As Pinkie sat in her Party Cave and blew on her bubble pipe, she stared at the poster board in front of her. In the center of it was a picture of Rarity, taken while in the shower (hosting surprise parties for the same ponies every year involved doing a lot of recon without their knowledge, or as the Ponyville Law Authority called it, "stalking"). Multicolored pushpins had been embedded in the board at the corners of the photo and strands of red thread ran from the knobs of each pin to the other photos hosted on the board (which were all pictures of cupcakes except for one blurry photo of a pink pony with a yellow and pink mane). Leaping out of her sofa chair, Pinkie yanked out a magnify glass and began to inspect each thread, following it to its terminus and then jumping to the opposite end of the board to investigate some alternative angle. Then she lifted a hoof with an "A-ha!" and threw the board (which was on wheels) into a distant cranny of her underground base. With that, she turned to Gummy and bounced over to him. "I did it, Gummy! I figured out how to cheer up Rarity!" Pinkie cried. Gummy blinked. "No, Gummy. I'm not going to try to set her up with a bunch of different ponies in hopes that she finds her true love!" Pinkie laughed. "No pony is going to want to date her with the way she is right now! No, I'm going to send her a present letting her know how much she means to everyone here in Ponyville. Once she knows how much she means to us, that'll snap her out of her funk." Gummy lifted his tongue and dragged it slowly across a purple iris. "Of course, I'm not going to tell her who it's from! If I told her who it was from, it would be like I wanted her to know how much of a good friend I am. But a really good friend wouldn't care if she knew. If she thinks it's a gift from some unknown pony, she won't know who is being a good friend to her. She'll only know that somepony, somewhere cares for her! And that's all she needs to know to be back to her usual, glamorous self!" Gummy continued to suckle on his own eyeball. "Silly Gummy! Of course, it's a good idea. Now I just have to make the perfect gift for her...something that will make her believe in romance again!" Pinkie held a hoof to her chin, considering her options. Then her eyes lit up with a second epiphany in less than five minutes and she sped over to one of the various piles of party supplies which lay haphazardly about the cavern. Gummy just watched, knowing deep in his reptilian heart, that he was incapable of halting the catastrophic disaster which was so clearly and rapidly unfolding in front of him. "Ponyville station!" All Aboard declared as the Friendship Express groaned to a halt. The princess enthusiasts who'd come to gawk at the reunion of Cadence and Twilight, seemed to scramble up out of their seats, jostling and pushing to retrieve their luggage. All Aboard prided himself on being able to read his passengers and considered himself as much a steward of their comfort as a conductor of the train. And he had observed them for the whole train ride and expected the level of enthusiasm which all tourists seemed to come to Ponyville carrying. He was startled though, by the urgency of their departure. They seemed agitated, more relieved to be exiting the train than glad to be arriving at their destination. It was only when the crowd had cleared, and the car was all but empty that he made out the cause of their clamor. Sitting at the back of the car, wedged into a booth which, despite the crowdedness of the train, was a creature he'd never seen before. It took him stepping closer and watching her intently to realize she was Abyssinian. The catfolk had begun to filter up into Equestria slowly, ever since one of their own was given a medal for his participation in the emancipation of Equestria from the Storm King's forces. Still, he'd never seen one with fur this dark. It was like a looking into the night sky, an impression only amplified by the constellation designs on the cloak which the passenger was wearing. "Thy work be done. Haft this miraculous device arrived us, At the villa on which we designed?" The creature asked, as she dragged a perfectly manicured claw across the strings of her parched bone lute. "Ah, yes, m'am. This is Ponyville." He said, taking off his hat. "Say, that's a funny way of speaking you got there? Are you royalty from some far-off land or some such?" The Abyssinian laughed and for a moment All Aboard understood why the rest of the passengers had departed in such haste. The sound was like the bellowing applause of a thousand drunken apes, as repulsively boorish as it was overwhelming. Then her yellow eyes met his and she stood, the lute disappearing into the void of her cloak. "Thy speaks verily ere introduction. Mine airs ought to be, the most enflamed in this desserted land, by such bald presumption. Though thine flattery begs of thine position, it indebts to thy mine mercy. May thy daze remain pleasant, And thy worn fate remain untouched by the scissors of Moirai in tears yet." All Aboard frowned. "You mean 'in years yet' surely?" The passenger grinned and her paw passed across his forehoof and in its wake was left behind a strange looking coin, much larger and thicker than any bit he'd yet received as compensation. He squinted through his spectacles at the words around its rim, which seemed to be written in a language he'd never encountered in all his travels. "Thank you for the tip, Miss..." He looked up in hopes of catching the name of what had to be the most interesting passenger he'd encountered in a long time. But the Abyssinian was gone, leaving behind only the faintest whiff of roses.