“I’m sorry that came out as super rude, what I meant to say was. Who the fuck are you?” Anon asked, completely unaware of the avatar of chaos and disharmony.
“Well that’s simple my little insert, I’m Discord. Master of Chaos and lord of all disharmony in the world” Discord introduced himself.
“Ok… why are you in my house?” Anon asked “well isn’t that obvious? Chaos attracts chaos, and no other being has managed to cause as much chaos in Equestria as you, Anon. Except yours truly of course” Discord explained “I mean going up to the most powerful pony on this rock and giving her belly rubs like she was some kind of dog? Who could have seen that coming?! The randomness of it almost broke me free from my prison in the royal gardens” Discord explained.
“Hey it’s not my fault she was super fluffy” Anon defended himself.
“Regardless no other being has ever shaken the foundations of pony society quite like us, it makes sense we’d meet eventually” Discord said. The more Anon thought of it the more it started to make sense, he wasn’t exactly quiet during his time here on Equestria.
“So… you wanna hang out until Twilight’s friends pull the magic of friendship out of their butts?” Discord asked casually.
“Eh, sure,” Anon said, shrugging.
Grabbing a teapot and kettle Anon started making some tea for his ‘guest’
“So… how are you doing?” Discord asked “eh can’t complain, just got a gem mine so I’ll probably be spending a lot of time down there in the future” Anon said “what about yourself?” He added “good good, just got out of a thousand year stone prison. Might turn the planet into an orange later” Discord explained while taking a sip of his tea “that… might not be so bad I really like oranges” Anon responded seeing the pros of planetary terraforming of the citrus form.
“What about your form, have you gotten used to it well?” Discord asked “it was difficult to adapt to at first but the biggest issue I’ve got left is dealing with the sun” Anon said.
“You know I can help with that” Discord offered “if you’re planning to turn the sun into a lightbulb or a picture of a sun please don’t” Anon responded.
“I mean I can turn you back into a human if you want me to” Discord explained.
Anon thought back to when he first got turned into a thestral, the constant burn marks, missing so many events because he couldn’t go out in the day without a custom umbrella. All he wanted to do back then was get back to his human form and maybe go home.
“Actually, I’m good where I am” Anon stated. Raising an eyebrow Discord leaned forwards, obviously intrigued by the response.
“Oh? And why would a human want to live in such a limited form” Discord asked.
“Well, at first I thought I would be home in a week when I first got here. Then a week turned into a month, that month turned into two years. I’ve accepted that wherever earth is I’m not going back. Once I accepted it Equestria became my home, while being the only one of my kind was a novelty I felt… isolated, I realised what being the only one of my kind was like” Anon explained “it feels pretty lonely huh man” Discord said “Eeyep” Anon responded “in its own way this is the best gift I could have asked for. I may still be somewhat seen as an outsider by others, but I feel like I finally belong here. Even if these pastel ponies still drive me up the wall sometimes” Anon finished, a light smile showing on his face.
Then Discord made a fake barfing noise, ruining the moment.
“Listen, it’s nice you feel at home but this is getting a little mushy for this old cowcolt, to add a little anarchy to the situation here. Have a gift” he said snapping his fingers and materialising a box on the table.
Looking over the gift of Discord took the form of a pair of sunglasses that vaughly resembled the ones worn by the Terminator “just keep these puppies on and you’ll never have to worry about Celly’s sun cooking you ever again” Discord explained.
Putting them on Anon looked around his room, despite their appearance Anon’s vision wasn’t muddled in the slightest by the shades “so, how do I look?” Anon asked “like you’re about to ask for my clothes, my boots, and my motorcycle” Discord said “good, that’s what I was aiming for” Anon stated proudly as he started humming the iconic theme.
“Anyhow let’s get going, we have a lot of chaos to do!” Discord said, snapping his fingers again. Being ripped from his comfy chair Anon found himself on a cloud made of what smelt like feta cheese overlooking Equestria.
Oddly enough despite it being midday he didn’t feel any burning sensations. In fact the Sun for once felt quite pleasant on his fur “huh, these glasses really are something” Anon said commenting on his gift “of course, I made them after all” Discord said proudly.
“Ok ok you’re the OG Gucci I get it. So where should we start?”Anon asked “ladies first” Discord said with a light bow “but I’m not a…” Anon began before a sudden, dreadful realisation hit him.
Looking down between ‘his’ legs Anon noticed three objects missing “is it the glasses?” Anon asked calmly, trying not to chew out the chaos god “no, I just swapped some parts while we were moving, nice flank by the way” Discord explained, trying to complement Anon’s rear, which had massively swelled in size.
“So what chaos do you want to unleash first?” Discord asked again “I can’t ask for my dong back so might as well have some fun until Twiggles kamehameha’s this guy into oblivion” Anon thought to HERself.
“Hmm, I was thinking turning the grass blue and the sky green for a start”
With a click of his fingers Discord caused the sky and grass to swap colours “starting small I can get behind that” Discord said “now I wonder how life would react if all their drinking water turned them into a different breed of pony” he mused to himself zapping rivers and lakes with lightning from his claws.
“What if all the buildings were upside down?” Anon asked.
She wished and she received. All the buildings across Equestira, even the royal castle which could be seen in the distance from this height, flipped.
“Now that is a good one!” Discord cackled. Joining him in the laugh Anon had a good chuckle.
“You know what Nonners, you’re alright” Discord almost praised the thestral, with another snap of his fingers Anon regained his stallionhood and lost the more curvy aspects of his anatomy “I hope at least Celly enjoyed being on the other side of the mirror for a while” Discord chuckled “wait what was tha-'' Anon tried to ask before a lion way was cupped over his muzzle. Using his claw to operate a telescope Discord looked down to Ponyville with a frown spread on his face.
“A story for another time Nonners, looks like Twilight’s friends have gotten their act together” he said before teleporting himself and his new partner in crime back to Anon’s house “well that’s how the script goes I suppose. It was nice meeting you Anon, I’ll see you in a few seasons!” Discord said joyfully as he flew out of the window, shattering the glass onto grass in front of the house as he did.
“What is it with this world and damaging my house?” Anon complained to himself.
Twilight and her friends were able to imprison Discord in stone once more. With most of his chaos magic dispelled, life returned to normal in Ponyville. Well as close to normal as the land of diabetes level sweet pastel ponies can get.
The last remaining vestige of Discord’s magic was Anon’s shades. Due to their nature Anon had to repeatedly lie about where he got them claiming “internet” every time.
Anon visited Discord every hour and then. Seeing him in stone form was oddly calming for the thestral, seeing the guy who gave him an involuntary sex change in stone form.
“Hello Anon” a voice called out from behind him.
Turning Anon could see the senior diarch of Equestira, Princess Celestia stood smiling at him “morning Sun-Mama, what’s up? '' he greeted causally.
He would have, no, should have learned to treat an immortal ruler with more respect. But when you’ve blown raspberries into said ruler’s stomach telling her she’s a good horsy it’s kind of hard to take her seriously.
Not that she seemed to mind one of his various nicknames for her being used opposed to her title. Her chuckle manages to prove the contrary.
“The Sun as usual, speaking of which I see you’ve managed to gain some form of immunity to your race’s, let’s say disadvantage” she said, looking directly at Anon’s sunglasses “what can I say, I’ve got nothing but Ws lately” Anon said confidently making the princess chuckle again.
She knew he got the glasses from Discord. The moment she noticed her flank had shrunk and her marehood became stallionhood and was swapped back she knew the chaos spirit was up to her old tricks.
Anon ‘finding’ glasses that allowed him to survive in direct sunlight was the least likely of the options.
But that had all been resolved and she didn’t want to take away the one thing that allowed Anon to move about like he had when he was human.
So for her little human/pony she would fake ignorance.
“So how have you been since the last time I visited?” Anon asked “unfortunately Canterlot remains mostly unchanged, nobles still squabble and bicker amongst themselves. But with Luna back things have been getting better” Celestia explained." Everything's easier when there’s someone to shoulder the burden” Anon commented.
Nodding in agreement Celestia and Anon began walking through the gardens. A pair of unicorns in gold armour followed them around as they walked.
“So I hear you got married from Twilight, congratulations” Celestia congratulated, much to Anon’s grim “yeah, sorry I didn’t have time to invite you I was under a bit of a… time crunch so it was a bit of a shotgun wedding” Anon explained.
“Yes…” Celestia said awkwardly remembering the whole situation Luna had created “I am sorry about that Anon, I get so many letters a day from nobles, foreign dignitaries, Twilight, by the time I got around to yours it was too late” Celestia apologised “it’s ok, just another two years and eight months and I can get citizenship and file for a divorce” Anon said very casually.
It was a little too casual for Celestia’s taste “don’t you feel any regret? What will your wife think when you leave her?” She asked, concerned for the morality of her friend “oh Big Mac’s a big colt, I’m sure he’ll take it well. Plus I don’t want to sound paranoid but I think he’s cheating on me with Applebloom’s teacher” Anon explained “cheating? Anon are you sure? Wait, Big Mac?” Celestia asked as she got more questions and answers.
“Yeah, I walked in on her using his face as a chair once, she said it was an exercise, but I’ve started getting suspicious ever since I lost a night of work due to the sound of her screaming “breed me breed me breed me!” While she was supposed to be using my bathroom Anon continued to explain, mostly just messing with the princess at this point “and… why was she in your bathroom?” Celestia asked.
“Big Mac explained Cheerilee is really loud so they can’t do it at his place” Anon explained “and, you let them use your place for that?” She asked, getting slightly uncomfortable, “yeah he’s my homie, and my hubby for now. I’m building up solids so once we’re divorced I can start hitting on Applejack with impunity from Granny Smith. The woman is way too traditional in some areas” Anon said “but enough about me how is Luna settling back into her role as princess?” Anon asked.
Clearing her throat and being mentally grateful that Anon changed subject.
“She’s adapting well, reestablishing the night court after a thousand years of being dissolved is difficult but Luna is a proud mare, I have faith in her. Oh, there are thestral families moving into Canterlot because they have members serving in the guard, the night life will be thriving as it did a millenia ago” Celestia explained “cool, might have to drop in at some point. Since I’m staying as a thestral I should probably connect to my new roots” Anon said.
“Excuse me Princess” one of the guards behind us piped up “a letter has just arrived, the Yaks request your presence for a diplomatic meeting as soon as possible” he continued.
Letting out a light sigh Celestia gave Anon an apologetic look “I’m sorry to cut our conversation short Anon” she said “it’s all good princess, the affairs of state and whatnot” Anon said trying to reassure his friend “will you be in the capital much longer?” She asked “unfortunately not, I’ve got business back home that can’t wait long. But I make a habit of coming back every three to four weeks so we can meet up again if you want” he explained.
Smiling, Celestia’s horn lit up with magic, a scroll with the royal seal appeared and floated down into Anon’s hoof “consider this a gift, from one friend to another” she said.
I Princess Celestia hereby grant full Equestrian citizenship upon Anonymous, formerly Anonymous the Human.
For exemplary service in expanding our cultural literature , unwavering bravery in the face of Equestria’s enemies and endless compassion to his fellow ponies.
As such he in entitled to all the rights and privileges of a citizen and bound by the same laws.
For friendship and harmony.
“Wait there isn’t another green thestral named Anon running about right? This is meant for me?” Anon asked double-checking if it was for him letting out one last chuckle Celestia nodded as she took off into the sky with her wings.
Looking over what he assumed was a citizenship certificate or something Anon folded it and put it away in his saddle bag “whelp, time to get a divorce” he said cheerfully as he left the royal gardens, making his way back to the train station.
The ride back home was uneventful, except for that couple who thought they were being sneaky but weren’t. He arrived back in Ponyville after a day and a half’s travel.
Canterlot was a nice place for Anon, the sights, the culture and the food. If only the locals didn’t bloody live there.
Dropping his saddle bag off at his place Anon went straight to Sweet Apple Acres to break the news to Big Mac.
Entering the farm he spotted the Apple family hard at work as per usual.
“Anon!” Applebloom called out charging at her ‘big brother’ excitedly as usual. Wrapping his front leg into a hug Applebloom hung on as if her life depended on it, much to the detriment of Anon who continued walking, the process becoming more difficult as the added weight of a foal slowed him down.
“Hey Bloom” Anon greeted, unable to be mad at her.
“Welcome back sugarcube” Applejack greeted “good to be back, but I do need to speak with Big Mac about something so would you mind?” Anon asked holding up his foal covered fore-leg “sure thing, Applebloom, let go of Anon’s leg” AJ said using a more authoritative tone with her sister “ok, see ya later Anon” Applebloom said releasing Anon’s leg and going back to her chores.
“You can find Big Mac up on the other end of the field” Applejack said pointing in the direction with her hoof “thanks” Anon thanked before leaving the mare to her work.
Finding Big Mac pulling a cart Anon trotted up to his ‘husband’ “evening Big Mac, you good buddy?” Anon asked “eeyep” Big Mac responded “good. hey listen I just got Equestrian citizenship from Princess Celestia and… well, now that my residency isn’t at risk I think we should get a divorce” Anon explained.
“Eeyep” he nodded before going back to work “oh, this was super easy I don’t know why tv makes such a big deal of this” Anon said “see you at the bar tonight?” He asked “eeyep” Big Mac responded.
While it seemed like all would return to normal easily, poor Anon had no idea how the Equestrian divorce system worked.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!” Anon cried out in pain while he sat within a cubicle of paperwork. Since he got citizenship he’s had to file every form and comply with every regulation. It became pretty clear to Anon why there were so few griffons, minotaurs and zebras living in Equestria.
“Paperwork is a bitch!” He proclaimed to the bureaucrat gods, swearing vengeance for their cruelty.
To be fair only about half of the paperwork was due to him getting citizenship. The rest were filling in divorce papers.
Now that he wasn’t at risk of being deported Anon and Big Mac began the painfully lengthy divorce program.
It turns out that letting the Princess of Love make up the rules and regulations around divorce made it an overly lengthy process. The objective being to supposedly buy Cadance time to fix the couple’s problems instead of just ending an unhappy marriage and letting the two get along with their lives.
Anon sat reading through a questionnaire on why his and Big Mac’s marriage failed. Unfortunately “he’s got a dick” isn’t an available answer.
Why did your love weaken?
Are you sure you can’t give it another chance?
Are you sure you're sure you can’t give it another chance?
“This bitch really doesn't understand why people get a divorce does she?” Anon grumbled to himself. Just as he moved onto the next page he could hear a knock on the door “it’s open!” Anon called out. Still trapped in his walls of paperwork he couldn’t see who it was until they called out for him.
“Anon?” The voice called out “Cadance?” He asked, popping his head over the pile, seeing the pretty pink pony princess standing in the doorway “Cadance!” He called out joyously to see his friend “what kind of sick high are you getting out of this?” Anon asked, his tone immediately switching to venomous.
Blinking a few times Cadance tilted her head “what, what do you mean? And what’s with all the paperwork?” Candance asked “don’t pretend you don’t know, seven out of ten of these pieces of paper are from the divorce paperwork you designed!” Anon explained before pointing out a hoof accusingly at the mare.
“Wait. YOU’RE the one in a unhappy marriage?” She asked genuinely sounding surprised “yep, now if you could streamline this I have a business to run and a capitalist economy to scrape together out of this semi-feudal/barter system mess your kind has created” Anon stated “Anon, this is serious, your marriage is on the line” Cadance explained “yeah, and I want it over the line and into Mexico” he said.
Ignoring the thought to question what a ‘Mexico’ is Cadance pushed on “Anon, marriage is the most powerful expression of love two ponies can give to each other, you can’t just throw it away” she argued “Cadance, you do know why I married Big Mac right? Didn’t Twilight fill you in or something?” Anon asked “I haven’t seen Twilight yet, I came here to do my job first” Cadance responded “well I’ll fill you in, I married him because every one of Twilight and her friends rather said no or had unreasonably demands. I asked Mac to marry me so I wouldn’t get deported, Celestia just gave me full citizenship so I don’t need to keep this sham up anymore. Mac knows that it’s the reason I let him bring his marefriend here for quickies so Granny Smith doesn't lecture him about sex before marriage and shit” Anon explained.
This. This was a lot to take in for Cadance, not for the first time her entire perception on love and marriage got warped by the thestral.
“Wait, you pretended to be married to somepony just so you wouldn’t get deported?” Cadance asked, a bit of disgust in her voice “it was my last option. My letter to Celestia didn’t get through until after the 48 hour limit and I got desperate” Anon explained.
“But enough about me, how’s that mysterious coltfriend you told me about last time we met?” Anon asked wanting to move on from the moral debate of pretending to be married to avoid finding out why he hasn’t seen any other thestrals in Equestria since he got here.
“Well, if you must know. We’re getting married!” Cadance exclaimed happily. The thought being enough to push her conflicted feelings about Anon’s scam aside.
“Well that’s wonderful hun, congratulations” Anon said “thanks, I’m so excited I can barely sleep at night” Cadance said, sounding as excited as a school girl who just got asked out to the prom “that’s true love for ya, so how big is his dick?” Anon asked.
Immediately Cadance snapped out of her giggling trance, her eyes shrinking to pinpricks and her face began to flush “I-I don’t know, we agreed to save ourselves for marriage” she explained “really?” Anon asked, sounding almost like a disappointed parent.
“What’s wrong with saving yourself for your wedding night?” Cadance asked defensively “nothing, in fact I think it’s beautiful. But you two should really get used to each other’s bodies first, what if it turns out he has a micro-penis, or he’s got two of them? These are things you should know beforehand as his future wife” Anon explained “I can’t just ask to… see it” Cadance stated “then don’t, pull him aside when you're alone with him, put your head between his legs and suck like there’s no tomorrow. It’s technically not sex” Anon advised.
Going even redder, Cadance tried to turn the conversation away from sex “on another note, considering my adopted father can’t make it due to a medical complication… And you’re the one who gave me the push I needed to ask him out in the first place” Cadance explained hesitantly “yeeees?” Anon said, anticipation building as he realised where this was going “will you, walk me down the aisle?” She asked.
“Yes!” Anon called out with gusto “this calls for a celebration! Big Mac and I were gonna go for a booze up later. Wanna come?” Anon invited “that, that might be really fun actually. But I’ve never drank more than a glass or two of wine” Cadance warned “don’t worry, I was called Anon Iron Liver back home, just stick with me and I’ll make sure nothing bad happens to you.
Anon got absolutely plastered after five ciders and a shot of rum that night.
Awaking with a pounding headache Anon groaned and hissed as he tossed and turned in bed.
“Never before in the field of human drunkenness, was so much pain given by so many to so few” he groaned.
Turning over again Anon felt something else in the bed. Moving his hoof under the covers Anon traced it over the mysterious object.
He could recognise the shape of a pony, the feeling of soft fur with a few slightly damp patches scarred across its fur.
“Please tell me I didn’t bone Cadance please tell me I didn’t bone Cadance please tell me I didn’t bone Cadance” he almost ritualistically chanted as he lifted up the covers.
Much to his relief it was in fact not Cadance. She was a tanned earth pony mare with brown hair, messed up from what Anon could only assume was a night of drunken love making.
“Ok, who da hell is this?” Anon asked out loud. His talking was enough to stir the mare awake.
“Morning sleepyhead” Anon greeted casually “morning- wait a minute” she said, jetting up “WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED!?” She yelled “I’m Anon, and I don’t really know” Anon explained.
The mare looked like she was having a small panic attack “oh no no no no no I hooked up with a stallion I met at a bar” she said with a distressed voice “sorry to ask, what’s your name? And have you seen where I left the pink pony princess I was with?” Anon asked snapping her out of her trance “sorry, my name is Cream Heart, and I don’t know where your friend is but you have to leave, Button will be awake any second now” Cream Heart explained trying to push Anon out of bed “who the hell is Butt- why is there a letter stuck to my leg?” Anon began to ask before noticing a letter attached to his rear leg.
Peeling it off he chose to ignore what liquid created the damp patch as he started reading. Still being pushed by Cream Heart Anon looked over the writing.
Dear Anon
Cadance somehow drunkenly wrote me a letter last night so I came to pick her up. When I found her you were both passed out in a bar with a stallion called Big Mac watching over the both of you.
I tried to wake you up but you were fairly out of it so I’ll just leave this letter with you.
Cadance talks about you a lot, thanks for your part in bringing us together. I owe you one.
Sincerely Shining Armour.
“Why does that name sound familiar?” Anon asked himself.
“Hey mom have you seen my ha-“ a higher pitched voice asked as the door swung open. Standing frozen in the entrance was a small brown colt, his eyes wide and his jaw hanging low at the sight of his mother in bed with a stallion he didn’t recognise.
“B-Button! This isn’t what it looks like!” Cream Heart called out, trying to use the sheets to cover herself.
“Eh he’s already gonna be traumatised might as well double down, hi son!” Anon greeted waving his hoof at the traumatised colt.
AN: good thing Anon has his book sales and he's mine because I don’t think Cream Heart is going to be able to afford the therapy needed for poor Buttons.