//------------------------------// // Old Clicker (Tempered) // Story: Echoes of Family // by I Thought I Was Toast //------------------------------// The new recruit stared me down with a cocky grin bordering on a sneer. The dossier on the desk before me was full of so many black marks that it barely had room for the name King Cobra, and Princess Twilight had given me her own personal report to go with it. That was never a good sign. I leafed through the Princess’s hard work, and only years of training stopped me from rubbing the bags under my eyes and sighing. “It’s rare for us to think about taking in a private. If it were up to your record alone, I’d boot you out right here and now with your history. Princess Twilight seems to think we might be able to salvage you, though.” “Salvage me, huh? And how does the Princess plan on that, sir? I don’t do friends unless they come with benefits.” Oh, sweet Luna, the way his smirk grew as he said that. Bless Twilight’s dorky, little soul. Taking in all the good misfits I understood, but it was ponies like the schweinhund in front of me that really made me question her so-called smarts sometimes. “You do know you’re still on probation, right?” I bared my fangs at him, but he just laughed it away. “What are you, her dad? I’m always on probation. That’s nothing new.” “Oh really? You do know that if you mess up here, you’re getting discharged. This is the last of far too many chances.” I stood from my seat and put my forehooves on the desk, leaning over it to look down and glower at the little snake. “Last chance to bang a princess, maybe, but I got other options.” Cobra shrugged and rustled his leathery wings. “Got a couple invites from the personal guards in the Undercity, and I know the folks back home actually value a good scrap. Honestly, I should have enlisted there like my parents wanted.” I blinked before settling back to start reading Princess Twilight’s report a little more carefully. “Where are you from, Private?” “Griffonstone.” “Raised by griffons?” “No, sir. Raised by wolves.” “Answer the question.” “Thestrals, sir. I'm the first generation of a new colony.” He sighed with all the ire of a pony who’d had to explain that far too often. “And to answer your next question, no, I don’t know if my blood is ‘pure.’” “Why do you think I’d want to ask about that?” I arched my brow. “Cause that’s what all the nobles in the Undercity asked?” He rolled his eyes. “Pfft. You’re in Ponyville now, private. Things are a little different here..” Flipping the picture frame holding one of several family portraits around, I tapped the beaming image of Morning. “That’s my wife and your co-captain. You ever suggest we’re like those blutknallers, and she will make you eat dirt.” “You’re saying that damn fine piece of flank can fight?” A bit of chuckling wiped the smirk off his face. “Speaking from experience, she gives as good as she gets. If you don’t believe me, Private, you can find out for yourself when she gets back from her month of leave. Just try to lay a click on her, and she’ll hoof you your ass on a silver platter.” “That only tempts me more, you know.” “Of course, it does. Princess Twilight wouldn’t risk her neck to pick you if you were even close to sane.” I closed his file and dropped it on my desk, groaning as I stretched and sat back. “Your funeral if you do, though; don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I let him stew as I kicked back and closed my eyes. He had enough discipline to stand there, waiting, but I could hear him grinding his fangs. Finally, I lazily opened a single eye and smirked at him. “No need to stick around. You’re already dismissed. Go meet your new mates in the barracks, and we’ll see whether or not you're a good fit over the next few days.” Cobra grumbled as he left, but hopefully he had a better idea about just how differently the Dawn Guard did things. A few moments of peace and quiet were all I got before Tempest Storm stomped inside the office snorting steam. Sparks danced and crackled off of her broken horn, and the way she glared over her shoulder and out the door spoke volumes. “I take it you met the new recruit?” I hoofed her the dossier to browse. “Met him. Slapped him. Told him if he hit on me again, he’d really get to ride the lightning.” She angrily flipped through the papers, only stopping to glare at the occasional picture. “That’s certainly one way to press charges.” “Shut up, sir.” “I’ll take him off your squad if you don’t think you’re up for breaking him in.” “I haven’t met a pony I couldn’t break yet, sir. You know that.” “There’s a first time for everything, Sparky.” I didn’t even flinch as the nickname earned me a warning shot. “You look at his track record, and every single fight he picked was with a mare or stallion twice his size. The only thing bigger than his ego is his craving for punishment. If he gets a kick out of having you step all over him, we might need to transfer him over to Glimmer’s squad.” “You think that will be any better?” Tempest threw her head back to scoff. “I didn’t offer because it would be better. I’m offering as a friend. If you don’t want to deal with him, I’ll call him a lost cause and dump him on Glimmer. I honestly don’t think we’ll be keeping him. He sounds like the kind of idiot I might’ve been without Morning.” Tempest squinted over at me, frowning. “That’s rather harsh on yourself, sir.” “Is it?” I laughed even as I sagged backwards. “I don’t know. He made me feel like I was looking in a mirror that could turn back time, and buck did it make me feel old.” “Old, sir? You still hit just as hard as the day we met.” She rubbed her chestplate where I’d bucked it earlier in a practice match. “Aye. I hit just as hard, sure,but I used to be able to go three whole days without sleep and just laugh it off like an idiot.” I rolled my shoulder and gave it a good, loud pop. “Can’t laugh off pain anywhere near as well, either.” With another snort, Tempest closed Cobra’s file and slipped it in her saddlebags. “I warned you I had a new trick to get out of grapples. Most ponies can’t laugh off almost dislocating a shoulder.” “Yeah? Well, I was able to laugh off broken bones.”  A growl rumbled in my chest as I shook my foreleg a bit more. Walking to the door, I followed Tempest out and down the hall. “Used to be that I didn’t even feel it while the adrenaline was pumping.” We passed more than a few guards as we carried on down the hall. Most of them gave us waves and smiles. I nodded back for the most part—waved at a few. Tempest was ever the brooding, silent type and did nothing more than nod back. She muttered under her breath as we went, mulling over my words and weighing her own carefully. “If you’re really that tired and achy, maybe you should sleep instead of taking so many double shifts?” “You know I can’t do that. Work is piling up as it is.” It stung me to shut her down, especially knowing she was probably right. It was a constant war to keep myself from yawning in front of the troops, but any sign of weakness would lower morale. Tempest’s muttering intensified, and my ear flicked as I heard her debating if offering to help was worth the ‘risk’ of promotion. “We’ve had that talk before, Tempest. You and Glimmer won’t be climbing the ranks any further unless you want to.” I shook my head. “If you want to help, I’ll take it.” She looked at me, eyes narrowing as we stopped at the intersection that would take us our separate ways. “You promise?” “Why would I lie about that?” “You wouldn’t, but I know who Princess Twilight will insist on if you and Morning step down.” There was a moment of silence as I said nothing and studied her. Nopony else was around—thank the Nightmother—but I still had to claw and wrestle a response up and out of the deepest recesses of my soul. “Where’d you hear about that?” “The walls have ears, sir. Upon your orders, no less.” “Don’t give me that.” I couldn’t help but groan. “You and Glimmer know damn well those wards are only there so we can keep an eye on Twilight and her friends without butting in. They aren’t there for eavesdropping on meetings above your clearance level.” “With all due respect, sir, you are her friend, and you were meeting with her off the books.” Tempest hid her smirk behind an impressively stoney glower, but I could see the corners of her lips inching a few millimeters upwards. “Once a villain, always a villain,” I grumbled. “Don’t tell any of the others. It’s still not a sure thing, and we won’t be stepping down so much as we’ll be stepping to the side. Like it or not, Morning and I are starting to lose a bit of our touch. It should be you and Glimmer leading the troops when the Elements are needed, not me and Morning. If the two of us need to pass on our role as co-captains to make sure the others follow you without question, we will. It’s not retiring to take a bloody desk job and manage the sun-blasted paperwork.” Tempest rolled her eyes and trotted up to poke me in the chest. “You don’t sound too convinced about that. We’ll talk about it later, though. All of us—together. You want me to be Captain? You can start by avoiding any more secret meetings with just you and Twilight. No going behind my back.” “I only kept it a secret because Morning and I still aren’t sure it’s necessary, but understood. You want to be treated like a captain? I’ll treat you like a captain.” Giving her a salute, I smirked as her eye twitched. “For now, go see if you can straighten out Cobra.” Tempest stormed off in her typical stomp-happy fashion, while I headed down a different hall for one of the libraries. It was always best to look in those first when hunting for Twilight, and even though the first one was empty, I knew I was on the right track. There was a mountain of books in need of reshelving, and a trail of freshly crumpled papers and ink splatters meandered out another door for a different library. A single dejected guard was bravely digging through the books to put them back, and I nodded to him as I passed. “Hey, Mettle.” The unicorn looked at me with the face of a pony who’d dived straight through Tartarus and left his soul behind. “You wouldn’t happen to be my backup, would you? Twilight promised me back up.” Shaking my head, I gave him at least a bit of help by having my shadow eat all the discarded papers and ink splotches. “No back up from me. I’m just hunting for the Princess of Pages and Plotbunnies. If I run into anypony while chasing her down, I’ll send them your way, though.” “Thank you, sir.” He was so eager to salute that he accidently knocked all the piles he’d been sorting over in a giant avalanche. “Ughhh… why can’t we just let the castle take care of this? Wasn’t it made to do stuff like this?” “It can, but you know Twilight.” I sighed. “She thinks it polite for Castle if we clean up anything big, and honestly, I can’t argue with her ever since the spaghetti incident.” “Ummm… I don’t think I was here for that.” “Be glad you weren’t.” My eyes glazed over at the memories. “Foals were born in that pasta, soldier. There was marinara everywhere.” “Foals were what?” Couldn’t blame the boy for stepping back. “You heard me, and that’s all I’m going to say.” I shivered and slapped myself a bit to bring me back to the present. “Just know that in cleaning up after the Elements, you save us all. Castle gets stressed just like everypony else.” Peeking up and over his shoulder at nothing in particular, the poor fellow gulped. “I should have read the manual better. This explains so much.” “No pony reads the manual.” I snorted. “’sides, if you’re saying you didn’t know about Castle, he likes it that way. He’s quiet, he’s humble, and he gets a perverse, little kick out of seeing faces just like yours. Not much a sapient castle can do for fun, so we try to let everypony figure it out on their own.” “Thanks, sir. I hate it.” The lights flickered as I left, and I smirked at the high-pitched yelp that followed. “Mettle! What the buck is this?! Why is there a letter with my name on it?!” I just smiled and went on my way, pretending I hadn’t heard him. It would be more fun for Castle that way. My shadow was quick to snap up the trail of papers and ink, dumping it into the darkness. It led me on a long wandering trail from library to library, and more than a few other guards needed extra back up just as the first poor soul had. With all the half-written speeches she was throwing away, my shadow was gonna have indigestion for weeks. I finally found her, though, the little troublemaker. She was sleeping in a bookfort so spic and span that it could pass all the Ponyville building codes, the perfect picture of everything princesses weren’t. Cute, adorable, and drooling up a storm as she softly snored. A few of her books glowed softly as the protective enchantments in them worked overdrive to fend off their own master. “Oi, Princess Pipsqueak, you really gonna just lay there and nap after all the work you just dragged my soldiers into?” I nudged a book out of place, and blinked in surprise when I got nothing but a muffled groan in response. “This is what you get for pulling an all nighter at your age, missy.” The groans grew louder as the bookfort shifted and fell in on itself. The head of my majestic charge poked itself out of the rubble with a yawn, and as her pearly whites chomped shut, she stared at me, unblinking. “Five more minutes, dad.” I rolled my eyes and reached out to pull her from the paper pile before she could retreat back in. “You made your bed, and now you’re gonna lie in it. There must be half the force cleaning up after you. What were you thinking?” “That the kirin are insane to have invented a form of poetry only four words long.” With a long drawn out groan, Twilight buried her head in her hooves even as she levitated up three different scrolls and quills to start writing more trash. “How am I supposed to fit everything I need in four words?!” “Relax, Twilight. Breathe.” I set her down and brushed off a spare book or two. “You freak out like this every time the kirin delegation is due, and every time Autumn Blaze spouts enough word vomit to give both you and Pinkie a run for your money.” “I don’t vomit my words.” Twilight bonked me on the forehead with her first failed attempt. “They’re as calculated as they are verbose.” “My point is Autumn doesn’t really care for ancient kirin tradition or solemn four word greetings.” I bonked her right back before having my shadow eat the crumpled scroll. “I don’t get why you try.” “I try because I always promise I’ll have one for her next time.” Despite the resistance, she was in fact breathing. Best I moved us on before she could spiral back. “Right…. Remember when I said you made your bed and had to lie in it? Forget your bed, princess; jump in mine.” “Really, captain?” “Yes, really.” A cheeky grin crossed my face as I tsked at her. “Why? I’m just being metaphorical. Don’t tell me your head is in the gutter again.” “My head only goes to the gutter because you’re a horrible influence!” She rewarded my impudence and thwapped me with her wing. “Discord damn you! I didn't catch stuff like that before you and your wife showed up.” “Pffft! We had to train you to defend your sweet, innocent soul somehow. Something you’re gonna need with the new recruit.” I started picking up books, but Twilight’s horn lit to almost instantly reshelve everything. “Oh, horseapples! The new recruit is here already?! I completely lost track of time!” Her horn glowed, and my tail flicked it on instinct to disrupt her teleport. “Yeah, that’s why I’m here.” My grin fell into a more serious scowl. “He showed up, and I know you mean well, Twilight, but I really don’t think he’s going to work out.” “What makes you say that? I figured you two would hit things right off.” “Twilight, I’m going to level with you.” Setting a hoof on her shoulder, I tried to soften the blow by keeping it short and sweet. “The guy literally said he doesn’t do friends unless they come with benefits. He’s here for one reason and one reason only as far as I can tell, and that’s to buck your brains out.” “Is there a problem with that, Mettle? It’s better than when they fawn over me and think I’m perfect.” Giving a little grin, she shrugged my hoof away and slugged me. “Besides! I got my big, grizzly Captain to defend my sacred chastity.” “Yeah, I suppose you do.” I sighed and slumped back with a groan. “Speaking of that, though, Sparky and Glim Glam heard our little retirement talk.” “Ooof.” Twilight shook her head and instantly fell to her haunches. “I can’t imagine they were happy about that.” “Sparky wasn’t. We’re going to need us all to get together at some point to seriously hash things out.” “Is there really a need to do that until you’re sure stepping aside is necessary?” “It. Is. Necessary.” I glowered at my charge and she had the decency to look down and away. “I know that now more than ever. You may not like it—neither do I—but if Morning and I don’t step aside, your students are never gonna meet their full potential.” “I’m sure there’s another way to—” “Discord damn it! No, there isn’t, Twilight!” I slammed a hoof down. “This is the last hurdle for them. Once they’re the captains, no pony—not even them—can make any excuses. They’re more than reformed, but they keep holding themselves back! If you really want them to see how far they’ve come, we need to make them captains the same way Sunbutt made you a princess. That’s just how it works. Morning and I had our time, and it was fun going everywhere and kicking butt, but now, you need somepony new.” As my anger melted from me, I too oozed outward, collapsing in a puddle of old stallion goo. “It sucks. I know, but I still have a bit of fight in me. I’m not gonna just leave you. Why are you so hesitant to commit to it?” “Because I know you don’t want it?” Twilight chucked another crumpled up paper at me. “One of us needs to act worried for you, and you’re too tough to. You talk about it being all necessary and good, but I know you. It sucks for Morning, but for you? You must absolutely hate it.” “I will deal with it.” Another groan, another listless wing twitch. “Stars, I’ll take another job if I need to. Maybe I’ll moonlight at the post office or something. I can handle the paperwork by day, and deliver extra large packages by night.” “Moonlight at the… Tempered, be serious. I’m really worried about you between this and everything you have going on at home.” “Yeah? Well, don’t be. It’s under control. I trust Night more than I trust myself when it comes to doing what’s right, and Mercy…” An image of her thrice damned father briefly floated before my eye, but I gutted the schweihund and buried the corpse deep in the recesses of my mind. “…okay, you should be worried about that one, but I know your sentence at my trial will be fair and just.” “Please don’t joke like that…” “Better that I joke about it, than go through with it.” I rumbled darkly as I stood. “Besides, if I had my way, you would have never known about what Mercy is going through in the first place. That letter was for Luna, not you and Spike. You talked with him about that, right?” “I made sure to give him a six hour lecture on not opening other ponies’ mail, yes.” Twilight frowned. “It’s a crime for a reason.” “Six hours? Stars above, I didn’t expect you to go for his throat.” I mosied over to help her to her hooves. “That’s enough to kill some ponies.” “Noooo…. Don’t remind me of that. You can’t prove it was my lecture that did it!” Twilight’s wings covered her face as she squeaked and blushed. “The doctor said it was old age!” “Oh, right! I forgot about that!” With a big, booming laugh, I patted her back. “Didn’t mean it like that. Seriously, thanks for giving Spike Tartarus for me, and thanks for keeping what Mercy went through quiet.” “Just be thankful none of the girls have asked. I won’t lie to them.” The adorkable little bundle of fluff puffed her chest up, and spread her wings. “Though… I think Rarity might suspect something.” “Oh?” I arched my brow. “Wouldn’t surprise me, but what makes you say that?” “She’s the biggest gossip in Ponyville, but when it comes to Mercy, all she ever gushes about is whether or not you three are gonna herd. I get why she doesn’t gossip about Pushing’s dad, but it’s weird for her to not wax poetic over Mercy having come from a noble family.” “Gossip, she might be, but Rarity always did have tact and a keen nose for trouble.” I snorted and nudged her towards the door. “We can talk about letting her in on it later. We’re burning moonlight, and you have a new recruit you still need to meet.” “Right.” She ruffled her wings a bit, silent a moment as we walked. “So… what odds are you giving that the first thing he does is make a pass at me?” “There are no odds on that. It’s a done deal.” “Great…” She trailed off, glowering into the air ahead of us. “Do I need to worry about getting him to medical? Or are you gonna go easy on him?” “No idea.” With slow, steady steps, I led us towards Tempest’s favorite place to train her recruits and mince her meat. “That kinda depends entirely on what he says to you.” “Well, you know the codeword for emergency teleport. Make sure you signal if he’s going to need it.” Her frown turned into a giggle of her own, and she flapped a few times, skipping down the hall. “You know, I’m kind of looking forward to it. It’s been a while since anypony has tried asking me out.” “Oh… you sweet, summer child.” “I know, I know.” Twilight thwapped me with her wing and laughed. “He’s not looking for a date. I can dream, though.” “Say that all you want, but that dream is about to die.” My ears were perked and swiveling to track the various booms and crackles of Tempest teaching our new recruit what for. The storm of explosions and magic might have been muffled by the castle walls, but they were still loud enough that I plugged my ears with shadows and silence before stepping through the door. It didn’t phase me in the slightest to see the rest of Tempest’s unit hiding behind various bits of cover. Craters and piles of rubble were standard when Sparky really cut loose, and from the look of things, Cobra had her throwing everything in the book at him. I could see the schweinhund laughing as he juked and dodged Tempest’s best. A trail of sparkling explosions literally trailed after him. At least two giant arcane orbs were constantly spitting out pony-seeking missiles, and a third was forming on Tempest’s horn even as she lobbed a constant stream of projectiles at him. It made me glad I was wearing my shades. There was enough of a light show to give the sun a run for its money. No pony saw or heard as we entered, they were all too distracted by the fight. That changed as soon as Cobra banked around and caught a glimpse of Twilight in his peripheral as he shot past us. He blinked, and made the mistake of slowing for a moment until the hot plasma on his ass reminded him of the storm currently chucking lightning at him. With a yelp and some new singe marks, he shot forward even faster than before, gaining distance on all the homing magic flying after him. A quick, hairpin turn sent him and all the magic chasing him straight at Twilight and me, and grinning like a loon under moon, he had the balls to land right in front of us and wolf whistle. “Damn, sweetie, mind helping a stallion out? I promise to make it worth your while.” He smiled even as the fires of Tartarus closed in. Twilight was quick as a whip to dispel every last bit of Tempest’s artillery before it hit us, and even faster to sling a shot of her own at Cobra. He didn’t even have a chance to dodge her, ending up chained in enough magical shackles to bring him to his knees. “Really, princess? I didn’t expect you to be this kink—” He might have tried to be a smartass, but between me shoving my hoof in his mouth and Twilight lighting her horn again, he shut up fast. As Twilight glared at him and looked him over, though, he waggled his brow and wriggled as much as he could to show off his flank. “You know… I’m starting to wonder if Captain Mettle is right. It’d be one thing to pull a stunt like that in the field when I’m ready for the unexpected to happen, but here and now? In my castle?” Twilight leaned down, her eyes right in front of Cobra’s. “Tempest is a friend of mine, Cobra. If I had missed one of those shots, she would have felt really guilty over hitting me. Friends don’t hurt friends here, Cobra, understand?” The poor fellow could do nothing but nod and lick my frog with my hoof still over his face. “Let him speak, Captain.” Twilight waved me away. “We’re all friends here, aren’t we?” She aimed the question towards Cobra, cracking her words like a razor tipped whip. “Maybe.” Cobra flashed his fangs at Twilight as I pulled my hoof away. “Do I get an invite to the slumber party?” Twilight pulled back, her glare melting into a smile. It would have been cute if it weren’t for her putting her hoof on Cobra’s head and gently pressing down. “Only the best of the best get to guard me when the girls are over. If that’s what you want, you better prove your worth to the Captain. Understood?” Oh, sweet Nightmother. The mad lad really was a masochist. He all but barked like a dog and wagged his tail when Twilight put her hoof down. “Ma’am, yes, ma’am.” “There we have it, then!” Twilight beamed at me. “Put him through the paces, will you, Mettle? I think Tempest blasted him with a little too much for her own good.” “Not my fault he can’t roll over and die.” Tempest panted as she growled. Her chest was still heaving despite several minutes going by. There were more than a few potion bottles scattered at her hooves, and she wavered drunkenly as she scowled. “I warned him, and he didn’t listen.” “Finally met your match then, Sparky?” I couldn’t help myself. “Like hay, sir.” Even exhausted, Tempest tossed a shot at me. It was weak, but at least that meant she wasn’t completely burnt out. “If you and Twilight hadn’t showed up, I’d be serving you him on a silver platter like the cockroach he is.” “Hah! Even I would get sick off of him, Sparky. I appreciate the thought, though.” I nodded to her as she dragged herself over to where Twilight had picked a spot to watch before turning back to the newbie. He was up and not so much stretching as he was preening and showing off his wiry body to the princess. I rolled my eyes at the sight and did a proper warm up, giving my neck the most satisfying crick as I finished. “Alright new blood. You want to show off? Let’s go, you little lustmolch.” As I settled into a fighting stance, I shrouded the room in eternal night, setting the stage for a proper scrap. “Hey, now! Don’t turn out the lights! How can I strut my stuff for the princess like this?” There was no warning as Cobra slipped into his shadow to pounce at me from my right. He was quick as a snake, so dodging wasn’t an option. I bent with the blow, rolled with it, and took the chance to grab at him. He retreated from my hoof by melting back into the darkness faster than I could follow. I chased him into the Dark and there we wrestled as one with our shadows, biting and scratching and kicking in a no holds barred scrap. At one point he spat pure, utter blackness right in my face, and then the bugger dived back into the real world while my eyes and ears were blinded. The little rat with wings toyed with me as he jumped in and out of the fight, and it made my blood boil to see him slip through gaps in my defense that hadn’t used to be there. With a roar, I stomped the ground and buried the room in yet more gloom. My soul burned bright as the moon as I dragged the shadowlands closer and closer until the floor turned to bubbling black ooze that sucked at my hooves like tar. Grounded within the dark—one with it in a way that schweihund would never be—I projected myself down and out, flooding the room with hot, tempered mettle. My will was absolute as it commanded lashing tendrils as long and thick as a kraken’s to rise up and strike at my foe. “Woah, woah, woah, gramps! Chill!” Cobra flapped like mad to avoid the ever looming darkness. He shot off and out of the ring itself, out over the stands as I herded the little bugger along. He wanted to play dirty? Fine. I would play dirty. Just a little closer to the princess, and we could see just what sort of gumption he was really made of. Sure enough, as he banked past Twilight, he couldn’t help but give her a smirk and a wave. “Hey, princess! I know you’ve read enough books to know where this is going! Mind being my virgin sacrifi—” He didn’t get to finish as another tentacle erupted out from beneath Twilight, grabbing her and Tempest in its sticky, goo-like grip and raising them high in the air. The rest of Tempest’s squad followed as I snatched them up before the shock could wear off. “Mettle?! Mrgrmff!” Couldn’t risk letting an angry princess cook my goose, so I gagged her and kept a firm grip on her horn. Cobra looked up at her then over at me from where he’d fallen on the floor and I bared my fangs at him with a growl. My coat was frothing from keeping everything up, but I hid it by retreating further in the shadows. My breath came out in shakey hisses, but by masking my face in darkness, I managed to warp and distort the sound to something far more menacing. “This is why you never risk playing games, rookie. You think it’s easy taking on villains like the Nightmare? This is nothing next to some of what Twilight has faced. If you think you’re hot enough that you can save an alicorn princess all on your own? Prove it. Otherwise you’re nothing but deadweight.” Cobra looked around at everypony trapped in my shadowy might as I talked, evaluating his situation. The instant I stopped my little monologue, though, he leapt back into the air. This was good instinct on his part. He didn’t fly for Twilight again like I’d thought he would, and the ambush I’d been laying for him missed. “Hah! Old buck, the biggest deadweight around here is you. You think I’m stupid? You might have some cool tricks, but I can hear just how tired you are.” Putting on a burst of speed, the idiot shot straight at me and turned to buck me as hard as he could. It was the worst thing he could have done. As I flew back and hit the wall, everypony got a good look at me with my frothing coat and heaving chest. When I tried to get up, I stumbled and fell right back down. Things were blurry and my vision was swimming. The last thing I saw before passing out was Twilight’s eyes burning like white, hot, hungry suns as she descended to throw Cobra on the floor next to me. I woke up in the infirmary; it might as well have been the morgue. “Ugh… Morning is gonna kill me.” I groaned as I gingerly tested everything, looking for any injury. “She’ll have to beat me to it.” Twilight was sitting there and waiting—just as expected. It didn’t make it any less weird than the first time, but it was nice in its own way. That was until she thwapped me with a wing. “I can’t believe you did that! It’s one thing to go all out in a fight, but I never gave you permission to enact a cuckoo protocol!” Her glare bored its way down to my bones. “Well, I mean, I was hardly able to signal you while he was watching.” I took her wing like a champ, though that didn’t mean much with how soft and fluffy they were. She was so adorkable when she huffed and puffed out her cheeks, “Signal? Tempered, you know there’s at least three different triplicate forms you need to fill out before going all villain on me. Somepony could have gotten hurt fighting back against those tentacles.” “I figured it would make a good lesson!” I raised my hooves in surrender. “It was the only thing I could think of to get through to Cobra.” “Well, it didn’t work.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Diving at the villain to impress me is about as bad as hurting my friends.” “Yeah, I know.” I rested my head back on the pillow with a grunt. “I warned you about him. Where is he, by the way? Did you get sick of him and toss him out?” “No. I figured he could use a real lesson, so I put him in the fungeon.” Thwapping me a second time, Twilight glowered with ferociadorable might. “That’s where you’re going to now that you’re up. Hup hup! Time to get going, soldier boy.” Oh dear, sweet Luna. Anything but the Pink Demon and her fungeon. “Twilight, I know you’re mad at me, but I don’t think I really need the fungeon. How about I just fill out the forms, and—” “Begone with thee!” Her horn lit up before I could finish, popping me out of the world and through time and space with a teleportation spell. Twilight’s giggles rang in my ears long after I was gone, and I languished in the ball pit of doom she had dumped me in. Even with the nearby swearing of Cobra and the tittering of the mad demon, I could hear Twilight’s vengeful mirth as though she was there. “Wow, I forgot how great it is in here! I need to visit the fungeon more often!” Oh… she actually was here. We were out of sight of the others, though. “Not up to showing your face to Cobra?” I chuckled as I got out of the ball pit. Twilight’s head popped out to shake itself. “I got really mad at him. It’s… honestly kind of embarrassing. I can’t remember the last time somepony got under my skin that much.” “Don’t let it get to you. If anypony deserves the fungeon, it’s him.” Looking around, I shivered at the Pink Demon’s work. I’d had a lot of time to get used to Pinkie over the years, and yet… Bounce houses, ball pits, and banquets as far as the eye could see. I knew we were still somewhere deep within the castle, but whatever depths of tartarus we’d been brought to seemed to have no walls with how expansive the crystal cavern was. The tables were loaded with enough sugar to send diabetics into shock. There were pastries, pies, parfaits, puddings… Peppermints and pralines… Popcorn and pancakes… So many sweet little p-words, yet none were as sickeningly sweet as her. Pinkie was still giggling maniacally as Cobra swore his revenge in every colorful way imaginable—adding a few new ones to my book. They were only a few aisles away, past several carnival games and a roller coaster. There she had him at her whims, blindfolded with his ears plugged by cheap little things that wouldn’t completely block his hearing but would muffle his clicks. He was dizzily wandering around and walking into wooden poles as Pinkie Pie guided him towards a pinata hanging in the center. The stick to beat it was long discarded and forgotten. Pinkie gasped as she saw me, and gleefully danced over, passing right in front of Cobra as she did just to tickle him with her tail. “Mettle, you’re awake! Twilight was so worried! Are you ready to have fun?!” Cobra’s head jerked about at my name, looking everywhere but at me. His ears swiveled, and he must have thought he got a lock on me, because he ran straight to the pinata and got down on one knee, head lowered. “Kill me.” He said it with absolutely no hesitation, just like Night would. The sheer contrast was enough to make me throw my head back and laugh. “Good one, soldier! We can’t be going easy on you, though. We both made our beds, and now we have to lie in them.” “You’re stuck here too, huh?” With a groan, Cobra rolled over onto his back, splaying his legs in defeat. “Guess there’s no point in sucking up, then.” “There’s always a reason to suck!” Pinkie Pie struck a heroic pose. “I have lollipops stashed all over Ponyville in case we have a sucking emergency, after all! No better way to get that lip-smacking licky goodness than to suck like your life depends on it!” “Is she for real?” Cobra picked his blindfold up and cursed on seeing the pinata wasn’t talking back. “Yes, she’s real.” I sighed. “And to answer your next question… you don’t want to know what a sucking emergency is.” “I was actually gonna ask about the Pink.” “Oh, right.” I blinked. “No idea, really. You get used to it, though.” “Twilight says I’m special!” Pinkie beamed with sparkling pearly whites. “Yeah, ‘special,’” Cobra grunted. “How long are we gonna be trapped down here captain?” “Until the Pink one gets bored of us, of course.” With a grin, I nudged him. “What’s the matter? I thought you liked getting punished.” “This ain’t my kind of fungeon.” Cobra snorted as he rose to his hooves. “What am I? Five?” “Better get used to it, rookie.” I put a hoof on his shoulder, “If Twilight hasn’t given up on you yet, you’re in it for the long hall. She’s gonna salvage you one way or another; she’s already got your weakness pegged. You don’t shape up, and you can expect to be put on duty with Pinkie here a lot.” “Ohhhh… it’ll be so much fun! I throw parties like this all the time!” As Pinkie bounced between us, she gave a wink that only I could see. “Oh? And what if I just quit and went back home to Griffonstone?” Cobra huffed. “Mmmm… well, we can’t stop you from doing that, but are you really the kind of chump to walk away like that?” I bared my fangs at him already knowing the answer. “No….” His ears splayed back as he finally showed the tiniest bit of humility. Didn't last long, though as he turned and shouted towards the ball pit Twilight had dropped me off in. “I’m just too dang stubborn to give up on banging a princess!~” There was an eep from Twilight in the distance, and Pinkie giggled maniacally. “You and Twilight? Teeheehee!” I’m gonna have to tell all the girls~ How far have you gotten and how many parties am I gonna need to—” “Pinkie! It isn’t like that!” A very flustered and blushing Twilight popped into existence to stuff her hoof in her friend’s mouth. “Tell her, Tempered!” Looking between Pinkie and Twilight, I shrugged. “I dunno, Twi. He’s still here after everything he pulled today. If I were a betting stallion…” Ducking as Twilight tried to pie me, I laughed. Poor Cobra was eyeing us all like we were loons—which we were—but it was too late for him to back out now. He’d learn soon enough. I just had to stomp the jackass out of him before Twilight took a liking to him. Why she always fell for hopeless cases, I had no clue.