What could it be now? A hanging horse body, dangling from a surprisingly sturdy wooden beam? An average weight of a pony is 700 to 900 pounds, spike thought to himself.
"Man, Rarity was pretty fat. Look at that wooden beam go. I mean, actually look at it not go and hold all of that voluptuous mass. Rarity has to be like 320 kilograms or something. That is one thick horse, Jesus..." - Spook couldn't look away from the wonders of Rarity's thexy body resisting the gravitational pull via her neck holding unto the rope.
"Who or what is Jesus?" - Twilight enquired.
"No idea. Something that Rarity was screaming a lot in that fanfiction. Don't know what that means, but has an effective ring to it," - Spike zoned out - "we have to find this...Jesus..."
"He does seem to be the crucial part and the only mysterious common denominator in those terrible things you make...allegedly out of your control. Yes, I think you are unto something. We have to find Jesus..." - The horsie torsie rubbed her chin.
"How do we find Jesus then," - The Lizardoid tugged on Twi-Twi's wing.
"I get a vague feeling that this is a question that many have asked in the past. Come! We must converse with Applejack. Something about her southern demeanor, farmer status and lower IQ make me think that she ought to know something about Jesus," - The dramatic duo rushed to the farm.
The unlikely duo of a princess in training and a horse mating smut author in denial bolted to the apple farm of the Jack Family, to engage in a discourse about the nature of Jesus with the one known as Apple of the Jacks...Apple-Jack. The soil and manure covered hoof, as hoofs are known to be, has kicked the door inside of the Jack residence.
"Come, wash your hooves," - The Apple of Jack's eye, the one known as Applejack has welcomed the combo of our heroes inside.
"Apple of Jacks, what do you know about Jesus? I need this Jesus in my life. Jesus has a lot to answer for!" - Twilight heroically exclaimed.
"Jesus...that is a name I have not heard since the last Sunday...I thought you'd never come around, Twilight. I thought I was the only one who knew about Jesus in this place. Who felt Jesus in their life!" - Apple Pony's eyes glazed with tears, "Praise Jesus!" - she shouted - "Finally, we can put an end to the pagan rule of the false god!" - Sack of AppleJack rejoiced.
"The rule of the false god? What are you talking about, Applejack? You are scaring me. Who is Jesus, why do I need him in my life and who is the false pagan god!?" - Twilight stepped away in a defensive pose.
"Well, Celestia ofcourse!" - Applecrack launched into a maniacal laugh - "The one who says she is in control of the sun and the moon. The one who makes us praise the sun, the pagan idol. Instilled herself as a heavenly king. The one that is the false messiah!" - Applewhack's crazy eyes looked Twilight up and down - "I know the truth. Jesus talks to me, I gets these...these episodes and I write. I write stories, I write the truth. I write about Jesus. Here, Look!"
Applejack scrammed and shuffled through her cabinets, pulling out what seemed to be hundreds of crusty pages, covered left to write in sporadic writings.
"What in the name of Celestia is this?" - Twilight stepped back
"DON'T MENTION THAT NAME! THE FALSE GOD MUST DIE!" - the room filled with Applejack's crazy laughter
"Twilight, I think we have finally found Jesus...and Jesus wants our blood!" - Shivering lizardoider clutched at a purple horse hoof, "Do you think it is the same thing that made me also write what I wrote? Was it Jesus, that channeled this smut into my mind and force me to write this? Jesus!!!! Why have you forsaken me!?"
"Jesus, set their souls free!" - Applejack pulled a rust knife out of the table
"For Christ's sake!" - The duo of our heroes exclaimed.