Fluttershy was reluctant to continue our conversation the next day.
She was quite literally the last person I expected to ask me on a date. Of course, just a day or two ago I didn’t think she was interested in me at all. Concentrating on whatever the teachers were droning about was a fleeting afterthought.
Once again, it being a Monday did not help.
Why did she ask me on a Monday of all days? That’d mean waking up earlier than I was used to just to make it to school on time the next day, or skipping it entirely. I didn’t have a problem with that either way, but Fluttershy was absolutely not the type to play hooky.
Was it because of what happened with Pinkie? Off the bat, I wanted to say there was no way. How could her being depressed have anything to do with Fluttershy asking me out? As irrational as it sounded, there was a blot of doubt making its home in my chest, a tickle in the back of my throat that made me feel like I was getting sick, and wouldn’t go away no matter how much I coughed or cleared my throat.
I hated it so much.
By the time classes finished, I’d already forgotten pretty much everything that happened after my call with Fluttershy was over. Fortunately, that was very little.
It didn’t take me more than five minutes to get what I thought I’d need for the camping trip. My understanding of camping mostly came from the occasional episode about it in a show. However, considering the way Fluttershy gushed about it, I was certain she’d be bringing more than enough stuff instead.
My dad was home. Like any dad that tells his kids they should always wake up early, he was napping on the couch. I left a note on the fridge, and hoped he would read it when he woke up to eat something.
We met up at the shelter, but instead of taking care of the dogs like usual, she led me to a van in the parking lot. Now, when Fluttershy and I started actually talking, I thought she was a modern hippie. That thought was vanquished the more I got to know her.
Seeing her van, covered with a mural that looked like it’d belong in an alleyway in some abandoned town, made me reconsider that for a second. The mixture of colors and caricatures of people and objects that didn’t look quite right was straight out of a fever dream.
While the outside had a mural, the inside didn't have much more than the seats. The only other thing of note was a small rear-view mirror ornament of three butterflies, clanking against some pine-tree shaped air freshener.
“Huh.” I plopped down in the passenger’s seat. “Not what I expected you to drive.”
“Oh?” Fluttershy gave me a brief sideway glance, putting her bunny ear painted key into her car and eventually giving it to start with some sputtering. “What did you expect me to drive?”
“I, well...To be honest, I didn’t think you’d drive at all,” I admitted, leaning down and clicking the button on the side of the seat that adjusted its height. “I kinda thought you’d be adverse to driving.”
“Why would—” She fidgeted in her seat, double-checking the positioning of her feet against the pedals, before raising her eyebrow at me. “Eight, do you think that, just because I take care of animals, I go out of my way to be environmentally friendly?”
“Uh...” As tempting as it was to say yes, even I knew that wouldn't have been very smart. I averted my gaze, feigning it as fumbling with the air fresheners. “Maybe?”
“Hmph,” she grunted. Which, intentionally or not, was adorable. “I guess I can’t blame you for thinking that, but I wish you didn’t. Just because I do try to take care of the environment and all its precious creatures doesn’t mean I have to change every aspect of my life to accommodate that.
A tinge of guilt went up my spine. I winced, peering out the window as Fluttershy pulled out of her parking spot and into traffic. It being right after school was done meant that there were lots of cars out filled with rambunctious children, so there was a lot of frequent stopping; which didn’t help the awkward silence.
“Sorry.”
She rested her arms on the wheel, keeping her eyes locked on the road even as she tilted her head in my direction.
“No need to apologize. I get it. As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right: I do hate driving.” Fluttershy’s voice wavered, her hands tightening around the steering wheel. “Its loud, the gas smells bad, and nothing about cars is bio-degradable. However, there’s not exactly an alternative; I can’t walk everywhere, calling an uber or something has the same problem with added risk. Public buses are viable, unless wherever you want to go isn’t on their route like where we’re going. It’s just,” she sighed, taking her hands off the wheel when we got to a red light and resting them on her lap. “A difficult thing. Not to mention driving cars isn’t nearly as bad for the environment as a lot of bigger things. I’d like to stop driving, but I really just can’t.”
“Huh.” I stared at her with a newfound respect, admiring how calm she was during her rant. “You’ve thought about this a lot.”
“Only every other day, on top of whatever else I want to ruminate on that day.” Fluttershy muttered as she leaned forward, repositioning her hands on the wheels. “Either way, driving is something I have to do whether I’m comfortable with it or not. Besides, this van was a friend's; I’d hate to leave something she cared about so much in a corner somewhere to rot.”
“A friend’s? What happened to the friend?”
“She’s,” She dug her nails into the steering wheel, head lowering. Her hair fell forward, draping itself over half her face. “She won’t need it anymore.”
“Oh... shit.”
Fluttershy’s eyes widened. “No, no, no, she’s not dead. She’s just...” She curled in her elbows at the next stop, pursing her lips as she laced her fingers. “I'd rather not talk about it, if that’s okay.”
“Yeah, I'm sorry I brought it up.”
She made a small humming noise, nostrils flaring as she took a deep breath and muttered something indistinct to herself. All that followed was a barely audible ‘it's fine’ as she shook her head.
The traffic eventually let up as we got closer to the outskirts of the city, leaving the only stops to be ones at red lights. As we passed the various buildings and places, it dawned on me that I actually didn't know very much about the city I lived in. I’d lived here for years, but there were so many parts of it that I didn’t recognize: restaurants, a bowling alley, an arcade, and even some kind of memorial, all unfamiliar to me. Was I really so much of a shut-in that so many parts of the place I called home were so foreign to me?
“So, uh...” I idly tapped my fingers against the window, trying to drum up something to say. “Do you go out camping very often?”
“If I can.” She cleared her throat, her eyes darting towards me before shifting back to the road. “I try to go at least once a month. There’s plenty of woods around here, and I try to go somewhere new each time. This time, though, I’ll just take you to my favorite one.”
“That sounds dangerous,” I whispered, a brief slideshow of all the things that could go wrong playing in my head.
“It’s really not. If you know what to look for, like marks on trees or signs at hideaways that show an animal lives there, it’s pretty easy to avoid the dangerous ones. Despite what certain movies might depict, it’s exceedingly rare for an animal to attack a person unprovoked.”
“I know that. I’m more worried about the people you might run into, like homeless people who’ve abandoned society.”
“You watch too much TV,” Fluttershy said with a giggle. “Most homeless people don’t go out in the woods. Even if they do, they keep to themselves and don’t bother others. I actually used to volunteer at a homeless shelter, and a lot of them are really nice people. The closest run-in I’ve had was an abandoned firepit a couple of miles from a college campus. I’ll be fine.” She lifted a hand off the wheel to reach toward me, but stopped short and bit her lip before putting her hand back on the wheel “It's nice to know that you care so much," she said, her voice full of sincerity as a noticeable blush crossed her features. "Thank you.”
It was a meek, taut little expression of gratitude; yet it capitvated me completely. Cliché as it might have been, my heart skipped a beat, and I forgot to breathe for that second.
That fluttering feeling was ripped away as she turned onto a dirt trail that had been worn into the landscape by many previous comers. Even so, there wasn’t any litter as we pulled in—no cans, bottles, or even fast food wrappers.
Fluttershy pulled into a spot and cut the engine, turning her key with a jingle that the bunny on her keychain seemed to dance to. In the silence, she sank into her seat for a moment before raising her chin and taking a long, shaky breath.
Then, with a sharp exhale, she sat up and looked in the rear-view mirror.. “Okay, you got this. Just like Rarity said,” she whispered to herself, making eye contact with her reflection.
Reaching behind her seat, she grabbed a backpack that wasn’t as filled to the brim with camping gear as I'd expected and, after giving it a once-over, turned to me. “Are you ready, Eight?”
“Should be.” I unzipped my backpack. I knew everything was still where I'd put it, but it couldn't hurt to check again. “Yeah, I’m ready. Is it a long walk?”
“No, sadly," she said as she opened the door. Before getting out, she looked at me again with a thoughtful expression. “I think it’s a beautiful one, though.”
I followed her to the back of the van, admiring how quiet it was compared to the city. There was always some blaring background noise, usually cars or the distant sound of a factory. In the woods, it was absent of anything except for the occasional chirp of a bird or distant stick breaking. Even the air itself was distinct, fresh and free of any pollution. Looking around, I tried to remember the last time I'd even left the city, but words failed me when my eyes landed back on Fluttershy.
A patch of sunlight was beaming down perfectly between the leaves, making her shine like a gem. Her silky straight hair was flowing in the breeze, giving me a clear view of eyes green as jade and a genuinely happy smile.
“You’re beautiful.”
I covered my mouth, the compliment sneaking out before I had time to think. I didn’t need a mirror to feel how red my face got, but it must have paled in comparison to Fluttershy. She crouched down, hands covering her face as blood rushed to her cheeks until she resembled the inside of a watermelon.
“I-I’ve never—” Her entire body shook like a leaf, wrapping her arms around her sides as her hair hid her face. “—been called beautiful by anyone other than Rarity before. I, uhm, I don’t...”
She only got more quiet with each word, until I couldn’t even hear if she was breathing or not. I rubbed the back of my neck, fidgeting as I rubbed my foot in the dirt. I cursed myself under my breath, pinching the bridge of my nose as I tried to figure what to say.
When I failed to do that, I walked up to Fluttershy and crouched down beside her. She was staring at a spot on the ground, face flushed and muttering something wrodlessly to herself.
“She’s right, you are beautifal.”
She shut her mouth, glancing at me out of the corner of her eyes and dropping her chin to her chest.
“Really?”
“Yeah, your, uhm,” I fumbled to put into words why I found her so beautiful. It seemed so obvious to think of, but articulating was harder than I expected. “Hair is really pretty, and I like your eyes. And,” I scratched my head, gaining a newfound respect for people who could spit out poetry-like compliments with ease. “I like how well you take care of your face? It’s really clear.”
“You have such a way with words.” Fluttershy chuckled, arms falling to her sides. “It’s nice that you’re trying to compliment me on my hair and eyes, and not my boobs or something.”
“Well, uh-”
“I like it.”
Fluttershy got to her feet, brushing off her knees and straightening out her clothes and readjusting her backpack. After sneaking a nervous glance at me, she locked the van and headed for the path.
“Really? I find that hard to believe; I figured guys would be all over you.”
“You really are starting to sound a lot like Rarity.”
I couldn’t look her in the eyes, instead peeking at her out of the corner of my eyes as we walked along the trail. My heart descended a few more inches to my chest with every inhale I took, a certain sense of tranquilty overcoming me as we walked further in. The forest revealed more of itself: a river flowing with clear water along the trail, eventually overlapping with a fallen tree that worked like a makeshift bridge. More birds on the trees around us than I’d probably seen my entire life, singing a chorus only they could appreciate.
“She sounds like she knows what she’s talking about then.”
“Rarity does give out some great advice. If only she could follow most of it herself.” Fluttershy said with a sigh. Thinking on it, that might be the first time I’d ever heard her sigh. “But no, I don’t really get that many compliments. It’s probably because I don’t use social media, and I don’t really talk to anyone other than my family and friends if I can help it. Besides, even if I did get compliments from guys, it would be shallow. The only people I get compliments from are the only ones that’d matter,” Fluttershy started walking on the log, keep her arms half stretched as she traversed it. “Including you; you even used my favorite word. It means a lot to me, really.”
“Beautiful is your favorite word?”
“It is!” she exclaimed as she looked over her shoulder at me, stopping halfway across the log as she watched me take my first step on it. “Beautiful isn't just a moniker for something that looks pretty, it’s an experience that elevates itself above any other. Music, a book, people; all of them can be beautiful in so many ways. It makes me sad sometimes that people think that's all the word is, but I suppose there’s not much I can do about that.”
“Oh,” I hesitantly placed a foot on the log, half-expecting it to be wet and for me to slip into my few inches deep demise. It was actually pretty dry and steady. “I’ve never really thought about having a favorite word.”
“Most people don’t. It’s something Pinkie brought up a while ago, and I ended up picking that one. Hers was ‘inscrutable’, I think.”
“Yeah that,” The image of Pinkie curled in a corner flashed in my mind: her curtain-like hair that she tried to hide behind. Every word brittle and right on the edge of turning into a fit of sobbing that I couldn’t console.
I can only hope she decided to eat today.
“Sounds like her.”
I hopped off the log, standing with a painful rigidness. Fluttershy was about to continue down the path, noticing my abrupt stillness.
“Eight?”
I held back a grimace, turning away from her as I tried to bury the memory where I can deal with it later. Fluttershy mustered up the courage to ask me on a date; it’s not her fault the timing sucked.
“Yeah, sorry. Just got lightheaded for a sec.”
“Hm,” her eyebrows drew together, tilting her head and following my eyes to keep eye contact. “Eight, do you trust me?”
“Yeah.” I stated, not even having to give it a first thought. “Why?”
“Then, can I,” she rubbed her wrist, fidgeting awkwardly as she bit the corner of her lip. “Touch you?”
“Uhm,” I wanted to ask her to repeat that, but I knew that would be shoving my luck off a cliff. “Sure?”
Fluttershy made a short droning noise, then a sort of squeak as she collided into me. Wrapping her slender arms around my sides as the top of her head bumped against my chin, trying her best to embrace me. She was incredibly soft, and so warm to the touch. I could make out each of her rapid heartbeats, only barely disuingishable from my own.
“What, what are you doing?”
She held me a little tighter.
“My best.”
I almost died on the spot.
Fluttershy was trembling, but held on to me like her life depended on it; it kind of hurt. Not that I’d say that and hurt her feelings, of course. I accepted her tough love, carefully slinking my arms around her and hugging her as gently as I could.
By no means was she small, even so she felt so tiny and fragile in my grip that I was afraid she’d crack if I made one wrong move. Despite how much I appreciated her trying to be comforting, I could tell by how tightly she was gripping my shirt that she couldn’t relax at all. With a bite of my tongue, I slowly moved my hands to hers and guided them off.
“You don’t have to push yourself for me.”
“I know. It’s just,” She took a step back, not letting go of my hands. “You looked like you needed it since you got in my van. I appreciate you trying to put on a face for me, but if you’re sad about something you don’t have to push yourself for me, either.”
“I’m not,” I couldn’t even say that lie through my teeth; not to her. “I don’t want to be. I don’t want to ruin this for you. It’s dumb.”
“It’s not dumb if it's bothering you so much. You’ve asked me for advice on stuff before, what’s so different about this time?”
“Because,” I fumbled over my words, failing to come up with a reason that wasn’t the truth or a lie. “I don’t think you can help.”
“Asking for advice isn’t about whether or not I can actually help, silly. It’s about you talking and me listening, knowing I’m here for you regardless.” She casually remarked as she reached around to her backpack, pulling out a thermos and opening it as steam came out. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. It's just that relationships need communication to work, especially the, um,” Fluttershy tapped her fingers against the side of the thermos, taking a long sip as her eyes bounced back and forth. “Unique one we’re in.”
She stepped to the side, putting the lid back on and placing it in her backpack. I decided to stop standing there like a deer in headlights, continuing down the trail with Fluttershy not far behind. It started picking up, with little bumps along the way. A soreness crept its way into my heels, burning as if someone had put a layer of spice on my muscles. It wasn’t impossible to ignore and I wasn’t out of breath, so I just kept going.
No pain no gain and all that.
“There’s,” I hesitated, adjusting the collar of my shirt. “A friend of mine that was having a really bad depressive episode. Everything I said just made them worse, until they were practically begging me to leave. I couldn’t say anything to help them, no matter how much I wanted to.”
With that patient little smile of hers, she walked beside me. Hands holding the straps of her backpack, pushing it tightly against her back. She walked closer to me than before, inches away from our shoulders touching.
“I think I understand. Did you try your best to help them?”
“Yeah?”
“Did she know you were trying your best?”
“Yeah,” I thought of how her smile wavered before I left, clamping my hand in her quivering grip. “I think she did.”
“Then that’s what matters. Words are hard, especially when it comes to trying to say the ones someone else needs to hear; getting it right once is hard enough. In a situation like that, the genuine attempt means much more than whatever you try to say. Besides, when it comes to helping people instead of animals,” she began to drag her feet, bending her neck as her movements gradually lacked energy. “I’m the worst person you can ask.”
“I think you’re giving good advice.”
She barely registered my compliment, twirling a strain of her hair and absentmindedly following me. It was obvious her mind had drifted somewhere else, and I didn’t want to push her on a topic she had solemn feelings towards.
“So, uh,” In the distance, I saw the remnants of a fireplace; charred and only splinters left in the pile of ashes. It was in the center of a clearing, barren of anything but the logs and rocks around it. “How did you find this place?”
Fluttershy didn’t seem to hear me, her thousand yard stare unfocused on really anything. I gave her a nudge, knocking her out of her stupor and quite nearly off her balance as she leaned to the left. With a few blinks, she glimpsed at me and then ahead of us.
“Some friends of mine, or I guess some friends of friends, showed me this place a while ago. They were night-owls, so they only really slept during the day and did a lot of adventuring when the sun fell. Tree used to ask me all the time to join them; apparently her friends were really ‘far out’.” She chuckled to herself at some joke I couldn’t possibly know. “I agreed, eventually. We came here, talked the entire time, and spent the night. It’s one of the only times I don’t regret listening to her.”
“Is it the same friend who owned the van?” I asked with a hint of reticent.
“Mhm.” Once again, she reached into her backpack. This time pulling out a green stem lighter and giving it a flick as a fire sparked to life at the tip. Switching it back off and placing it on one of the logs. “Can you help me gather some wood for the fire? It’s not going to be too big so I shouldn't need a lot.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
There were plenty of sticks in the area, some of which had already been in smaller piles like they’d been left there. The wind picked up, sending a wave of chilling goosebumps up my spine at its sudden temperature drop. I pulled my clothes tighter, peering up at the sun as it lowered in the sky and night approached.
“Does it get cold here at night?”
“Very much so. Especially during winter; that’s why I’m starting it so early.”
“Nice. You brough stuff to make s'mores, right?”
“Of course. What’s a camping trip without smores?”
“Smoring.” I half expected Fluttershy to at least snort at that pathetic attempt of a pun, only to realize how bad it actually was after it left my mouth. “That was terrible and I feel terrible.”
“It was ok.” she murmured, turning on the light as I let the wood fall into the fire pit. “I don’t really find puns funny, usually. Most of the time, they’re too situational and only make sense if you think about it really hard. Rainbow’s made a few good ones. Those are usually,” she groaned, cheeks blushing as she fumbled with a small piece of paper she lit on fire. “Pretty vulgar.”
“Rainbow Dash likes dirty jokes? Huh, neat.”
I didn’t know Rainbow personally, but being the star athlete of the school made her name recognizable if nothing else. There was an annoying itch in the back of my head that wanted to know how two vastly different people could be friends in the first place; I’d seen them together on occasion and they got along pretty well.
That wasn’t really any of my business, though. The story behind it was probably just that they were childhood friends and Rainbow protected her from bullies since she was so shy, or something generic like that. I let the question bubble in the back of my throat until it simmered, being replaced with another one as I poked the fire with a stick like a caveman. Moving around some of the pieces into the fire.
“Why’d you ask me to camp with you on a weekday? I don’t mind, just doesn’t seem like you.”
“It usually wouldn’t be. Rarity and I talked about it for a while, and we agreed the best way to tell if a relationship is a good idea is to go on an actual date. I started planning everything out as soon as I got home, and, well,” her ears blushed a tinted red, clearing her throat as she set her backpack on the ground. “I know myself pretty well. I’ll get more anxious every day, coming up with all these impossible scenarios until I convince myself it's not worth the risk and wuss out. So, it’s just better to get it over with.”
She pulled out a bag of large marshmallows, followed by just as big graham crackers and two chocolate bars. Then, to my surprise, two roasting rods. Handing me one after donning it with two tasty white squares.
“Are we not using sticks?”
“No,” she said with a scrunch of her nose. “That’s a lot more unsanitary than you think; I’ve gotten sick from that.”
As if for emphasis, she made a sniffling noise; only serving to make her look more cute than she already does naturally.
“Yeah, that’s fair I guess.”
Since I’d never gone camping before, I didn’t know the technique to obtain the fabled golden-brown marshmallow. Just my luck, I didn’t think I’d ever go camping, so I didn’t look up how to do it. While I guess I’d have to tolerate one charred black, I should at least make an attempt at one.
It can’t be that hard, right?
I held my breath as I inched the rod forward, a tensness in my muscles that was painfully tight as I hovered it just in the center. Fluttershy didn’t share in my struggle, humming some annoyingly catchy tune as she effortlessly twirled the rod like it was an art she’d perfected. The flames gently licked her marshmallow, burning the surface until it turned into an almost caramel shade.
Unfortunately for me, those few seconds of admiring her skill were enough for the white fluffy snack to start turning black. I frantically flipped it to the opposite side, dragging it ever so slightly higher so it wasn’t as hot.
Second after, that severe temperature drop she warned me about hit me like a silent car in the night. I tightened my jaw, trying not to let my teeth chatter as the rods grip began to dig into my palm. I hardly even noticed how much of the dark had crept in around us until I looked around, finding that fireflies had already started floating around in flickering glows. The moon was becoming brighter than the sun, when it wasn’t blocked out by passing clouds.
“It’s getting a lot darker than I thought it would.”
As if on cue, a sharp breeze made itself known to us and the fire as it pushed the fire to the left along with every strain of Fluttershy’s silk-straight hair. It stung my face and my hands, but not enough to lose my grip.
“And windier. Maybe we should set up our tents earlier while we still can.”
“Our tents?” I asked as I tentatively poked the marshmallows, having got them as close to gold as I had confidence I could. She offered me a chocolate bar and some graham cracker, which I promptly put the marshmallows in. “Oh, I didn’t know we’d be sleeping outside in tents”
“Eight, I said we were going camping. Where did you think we were sleeping? Wait,” She grew stiff, having already devoured her own s'more without a speck of mess. “Does that mean you didn’t bring a tent? Or even a blanket?”
“Uhhh,” I briefly contemplated searching through my backpack for something I was certain wasn’t there, but that felt too close to deception for my liking. “No, I didn’t. I guess I can sleep in the van or something, it can’t be that f-”
“You absolutely cannot! It’s too far and really easy to get lost if you don’t know your way around, not to mention it's a big metal van; you’ll freeze in there. Although, you can’t sleep out here even if the fires left to burn. Either it’ll spread while you’re asleep, or it’ll go out while you’re asleep and you’ll get really cold. Hmmm,”
She bit the corner of her lip, cyan orbs frantically searching the landscape for a solution. I just sat there awkwardly and twiddled my thumbs, feeling awfully reminiscent of the time I left my DS on the bus and had to tell my dad.
“I guess I’ll have to,” she whispered under her breathe, getting to her feet with her arms hugging her hips and hiding behind her hair like she often did. “W-we can, share my tent. It’s big enough as long as we sleep on opposite sides.”
“Wh-are you serious?” I exclaimed as I stood up, holding the smore in my hand like a sandwich. Ultimately being a mistake as I felt parts of the squished marshmallow seeping into the crevices between my fingers. “Fluttershy, I appreciate the kindness a lot, but are you really ok with that?”
“I don’t think it’d be that different from sleepovers with the girls. Probably,” she rubbed the back of neck, squinting at the ground where attention was glued. “I don’t want you to freeze either. It’s not as small as you’re probably thinking. Just help me set it up and you’ll see.”
She frantically placed her backpack on the ground, fumbling with the zipper for a few seconds and muttering to herself until it opened. Retrieving the tent that, at first glance seemed impossibly small, quickly unfolded into a something so big I preemptively leaned forward to catch it if she dropped it.
With noticeable ease, she placed it on the ground and pulled out a smaller from her backpack as well. It got discernably smaller, so I guess she didn’t overpack after all.
“Put this on the ground somewhere, I can handle the rest.”
She tossed me the tarp, being both softer and heavier than it looked. I paced around for a minute until I found a spot that was relatively empty, throwing it there and flattening it out to the best of my ability. Other than a bulging rock here and there, I think I did a decent enough job.
“This should work.” Fluttershy whispered to herself as she walked up behind me, pulling something connected to the tent as her eyes darted between me and the tarp. She casually walked up to it and placed the bundle up tent in the center, yanking a string that released a puff of air as it started to expand.
Like a balloon filling with air, it grew to match the outline of the tarp with only a few inches over. A dark tent that was about the size of her van sat before us, illuminated only by the dying light of the campfire. On the front was the only entrance, marked by a bright green strip with the zipper. Since that was the only source of light, the inside must be pitch black once the fire went out.
“See?” Fluttershy opened the tent, revealing that the inside of the tent had more than enough space for the both of us. “I brought plenty of blankets and pillows too, I don’t mind sharing some of them with you.”
“Yeah, I uh,” I slumped, rubbing my neck as I hung my head. “Didn’t bring any of those either. Sorry.”
“It's not a problem. There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes as long as you learn from them.”
Fluttershy gave me a heart-melting smile as used some of the blankets from her backpack as padding for the ground, spreading it out and getting rid of any creases with ease. Placing a plethora of pillows on top of them, most of which on the right side, as the inside of the tent began to resemble a bedroom more than the inside of a tent.
“I shouldn’t have made it in the first place. I just wish I didn’t suck so much at communicating.” I mewled, slumping as I stepped foot into the tent. The layers of blankets softened the ground so well I had to remind myself we were in the woods.
I instinctively gulped as Fluttershy zipped the entrance, dulling the inside of the tent. I couldn’t make out her face, but her body language screamed nervousness: looking everywhere in the tent but at me, rubbing her wrist and fidgeting as she made her way to the pile. It was obviously hers as not only was it abundantly more than mine, thet all were either animal shaped or animal faced. Mine were just a dull white.
“You’re better at communicating than most people. One instance of you making a simple mistake doesn’t mean you’re bad at it.”
“Why are you,” I shook my head, rubbing my eyes as how drowsy I actually was set in. “Fluttershy, why do you like me? I know I asked before, but I just don’t see it. I’m not easy to talk to, I’m not nice, I couldn’t even-” I cut myself off, trying not to say Pinkie’s name. “I couldn’t help someone that needed it and they were right there! How can you say I’m genuinely nice after that?”
I wanted to cry, a wave of static-like guilt hitting me as soon as I sat down and just breathed. Instead, I held it in, ignoring the sinking feeling in my chest until it seeped into my very soul and faded. I kept waiting for Fluttershy to say something, to comfort me or tell me it was alright, only to be left with an impossibly rigid silence.
She sat down beside me, her hands resting on her legs and just resting beside me. In the dark, I could make out her hair covering her face, and her hunching over anxiously.
“I think that’s what I like about you most.” She placed a hand on my back, rubbing it slightly back and forth in a way that was admittedly relaxing “A lot of people, not just guys, have a hard time being honest about how they feel; with letting themselves be vulnerable. I’ve never felt that from you, not once. For better or worse, you’ve been completely honest with me. As cliche as it sounds, you wear your heart on your sleeve. I like that a lot about a person, really.”
Her voice was nearly as soft as her touch, not brittle like she was just as close to sobbing as I was. Instead having a silvery soothingness to it that made me want to forget every other sound and listen only to the next word she’d say. I focused on my breathing, the cold air filling my lungs with every inhale was refreshing in a way that cleared my mind just a little bit.
“So, what, because I’m not afraid to cry in front of other people that makes me cool?”
“Not cool, exactly. More,” she leaned forward, idly tracing her finger on my back. “Sincere, I guess. I’m sorry, I’m not as good at words as Pinkie tends to be. She’s always been much better at this.”
Fluttershy tried to mask the crack in her voice with a cough, retracting her hand as she shifted around behind me.
“Please don’t apologize.” I cleared my throat, turning around as we were face to face. She was holding her arm, hair hanging limpy to her side as her legs pressed together awkwardly. I’d forgotten how fragile she often looked, that I was one word away from her shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.
Yet here she was, doing her best to cheer me up. I didn’t deserve her.
“You’re doing fine.” I moved some of her hair out of her face, hoping it would come off as romantic as it often does in movies. She squeaked the moment I did, face flushing a bright red as she flinched. “Sorry, I was jus-”
“It’s ok, I’m just not used to being touched. Uhm, I appreciate the sentiment?” she let out a nervous chuckle, blicking at me rapidly. “This is the first time I’ve liked someone like this, or even been in a real relationship, so I haven’t had to put it into words before. I really think your nice Eight, even if you don’t. I won’t pretend to completely understand what happened with P-” She bit her lip, shifting her head away from me. “But I meant what I said earlier; her knowing that you tried your best is enough.”
Fluttershy cusped my face the same way she did before. Once again, the thought that she was going to kiss me hovered in my mind. Admittedly, some part of me wanted that. A selfish desire to be her first, to experience how unbelievably soft and warm they must be.
“Your eyes really are very pretty, you know. Of course, green is my favorite color, so maybe I’m just a little biased.”
“Really?” I glanced at the tents green walls, then her green backpack, and finally at her green sweater. “I never would have guessed.”
“Ha, ha, very funny.” She said in that rare sarcastic tone of hers, letting out some of that snarkiness that happened on occasion. The way her eyes sparkled as she smiled was magical. The gentle way she rubbed my cheek with her thumb sent shivers down my spine, relaxing me in a way I imagine only a massage place could match.
I didn’t realize I was leaning in to kiss her until it was too late. However, amidst my broken reverie, my attempt to lock lips ended with me just sort of pressing mine against hers,too afraid to move for a harrowing few seconds.
As soon as I managed to move back just a few inches, Fluttershy just blinked at me for what felt like an eternity. She slowly moved to press her hand to her chest. She opened her mouth to say something, instead squeaking out a, well, squeak.
“Oh no, no, no...” She moved away from me, pressing her hand over her mouth as she glanced at me. “It’s my first date and my first kiss and Rarity said a lady shouldn’t do—”
Her already soft voice grew more meek with every word, eventually becoming indiscernible whispering. I could only sit there with my mouth open, failing to come up with anything to say or even a basic excuse. Touching my lips with the tip of my trembling fingers.
She was trying to comfort me, and I took her first kiss!
I fucked up.
“I’m—” I broke the thick silence with an embarrassing voice crack, trying-and failing- to cover it up as a cough. “—really sorry. I wasn’t thinking and you were just so pretty and—” I fumbled over my words, feeling more stupid with every one that slipped out.
“So you kissed me?”
I bit my tongue, holding in any half-baked retorts. Instead, I just nodded, dropping my head to my chin shamefully as I glanced away.
“And I let you.”
“What?” I looked around at Fluttershy again, only to find her hiding behind her hair and clutching a frog pillow to her chest like a scared child holding onto her blanket.
“Only hussies kiss on the first date. Please don’t think I’m a hussy.”
“A ‘hussy’?” I stifled a chuckle at the term, having only heard it in Victorian-era movies. Hearing Fluttershy say something so old-fashioned was funny in an odd way. “I don’t think you’re a hussy, Fluttershy.”
“You—” She moved some of her hair behind her ear, a single eye peeking out from her pink curtain. “You don’t?”
“Of course not.” I reached out to touch her, hesitating as I realized that might not be a good idea right now. Feigning it as wiping something off my leg that wasn’t there. “If anything, I’m the hussy.”
“You don’t act like a hussy.” She fidgeted in place, laying down until her head was buried in the pillows and barely visible. “Was I your first?”
“If that even counts as a kiss.”
“I think it does, though it's not exactly how I imagined it going.”
“Oh,” I followed suit, a sigh slipping through my lips the second my head hit the pillow. It was way softer than I expected it to be. “I’m sorry I ruined your first time.”
“No, don’t be. I just—” She idly played with one of the tags on her pillows. “—thought I’d be ready for it.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that, at least not anything that wasn’t more pointless platitudes. Instead, I closed my eyes and listened to my heartbeat. Counting in between each breath, I watched the darkness encompass the last bits of light behind my eyelids.
I hoped that, in the morning, future me would know how to make things less awkward.
______
Sugarcube Corner was the only place I had been to that smelt exactly how it looked: like the inside of a pastry. Sweet, warm, and a hint of cinnamon. Never before did I think frosting had a smell, which changed the day I walked into the place and noticed that the pleasantness of icing perforated every inch of the shop.
Just at that very moment, it was the only thing I could focus on. Sitting in one of the many decorated booths for customers, waiting on an order that I could barely remember. A milkshake, maybe? Or one of their cupcakes? It was hard to say. There was just this strong tug in the back of my mind to watch the kitchen entrance, waiting for someone to walk through with it in hand.
I didn’t realize it until now, but I’d never gone to Sugarcube Corner by myself before. It was the kind of place that friend groups would hang out at, or that people with a sweet tooth dropped by to get the best cupcakes in the city. Going by myself was like sitting at a table for two.
So, then why did I come here?
Surely I’d asked myself that half a dozen times while waiting, yet not a single branch of thought brought me an answer. A strange fogginess attached itself to every one that crossed my mind, like a parasite that sucked away all logic and reason.
There were a handful of other people with me, each having their own conversations at their booths. Out of an interest to pass time however I could, I tried listening in on them. Usually, I could make out an occasional word or two; a whole sentence if I was lucky. This time, it was more like…high pitched buzzing emanating from their throats. Closer to a cascade of locust than the idle chattering of strangers. None of which I could make out.
I rubbed my ears, then softly slapping them and leaning my head both ways in case I somehow got water trapped in them. Was there something wrong with my hearing? Nothing else sounded wrong, from what I could tell. Though, there was the muffled sound of wheels hitting the floor from the kitchen. Which could only mean-
“Heya Eight, your orders done!”
Pinkie.
With the elegance of a ballerina on roller skates, she moved her way to me while balancing an oversized platter. Did I order that much or something that big?
“Oh, nice. What uh,” I leaned forward to take off the lid, only for Pinkie to move away from me without falling over. “Did I order exactly?”
“A surprise!”
She sat down across from me, placing the platter with a precise care right in between us. Once it was firmly in the center of the table, she cupped the sides of her face and beamed at me. Admittedly, I was unsettled by how excited she was about delivering my order. I rarely saw her look forward to anything this much.
“Well, go on!” She said as she gestured for me to open it. “A surprise isn’t a surprise if no one is surprised by it.”
“That’s true, I guess.”
I wrapped my hand around the top of it, finding that it was actually quite cold. For the last time before seeing it, I asked myself what I ordered. It should have been easy to recall that; why else would I have come here? It wasn’t hot or even warm, so it can’t have been something they’d have baked. A drink maybe? Can’t be, I don’t tend to get just drinks.
In a bout of frustration, I yanked the lid off, getting a whiff of something sugary before seeing a singular cupcake in the center. Bright yellow frosting in a green stand with pink dots. As life has taught me, answers are often confusing instead of satisfying. This was no different. Who buys just one cupcake? I certainly don’t. So why was there only one here?
I peered up at Pinkie, who still had that borderline unnatural smile like a polished doll in its case. Her eyes darting between me and the cupcake, telling me something with her eyes I could only barely interpret thanks to my countless hours of Pinkspertise.
At second glance, there was something sticking out of the cupcake right in the middle. I didn’t see it at first due to being white in a sea of yellow, but a few more seconds of careful examination made it stand out. I pulled it out with care, covered in frosting and wrapped up in a bundle. I wiped off the frosting, unrolling it carefully as it became obvious what it was.
A picture.
There were some leftover splotches of frosting, but it was otherwise clear what it was a picture of: me and Fluttershy kissing. Portrayed in better lighting than the tent ever was, and far less awkward than it felt.
“So, was it nice? Were her lips as soft as you thought?”
I swallowed, trying to ignore how dry my throat had become.
“Pinkie, I-”
“No, no, no. I don’t want to hear your excuses!”
The photo fell from my hands at the brittle sound of Pinkie’s voice breaking, revealing that she’d started to resemble how I’d seen her in her room. Life sapped out of her hair leaving it a limp, straight coat hanging from her head. Smile morphing into a wrathful sneer as tears rolled down her face and pooling into a puddle on the table.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t the perfect girl you thought I was. You got one peek at me on my worst day, realize that I wasn’t peppy and cheerful all the time, and decided that you couldn’t handle it and ran straight to Fluttershy for comfort.”
“It wasn’t like that, really! I-”
“Liar!”
She shot to her feet, slamming her palms against the table as she grit her teeth. Her work outfit, usually being charming and matching, had become a mockery. The heart with balloons had broken in half, all bright colors having dulled into varying shades of gray.
All the other customers halted their conversations, craning their heads however they needed to stare at me. The quiet that’d taken the place of their buzzing words was agonizing, leaving me in a void of noise and buried under the pressure of judgement and expectations.
I shrank myself into the booth as much as I could, deeply wishing I wore something with a hood today.
“I just want-”
“What? To get your dick wet? To show yourself being vulnerable to Fluttershy, who you know couldn’t possibly say no to you? Fuck that.” she slapped the cupcake off the table, rolling out of the booth with ease. “You’ve made it clear which one of us you actually prefer. Get out, I don’t want to see you ever again.”
Before I could say anything, the other people start saying ‘get out’ in sync. Normally at first, then getting louder and louder until they were shouting it. A chant that demanded my departure, and I had no choice but to listen.
“I’m sorry.”
I got out of the booth as fast as I could, making a b-line for the exit. A screeching noise breaking out as I nearly slipped on what was left of the cupcake. My scrambling to the door only made the chanting more intense, the entire bakery shaking from the sheer volume of their mantra.
A cold sweat overcame my body, forcing me to grit my teeth and grab on to the door for dear life. When it was open and the warm outside air hit me, the chanting stopped. Just a tinge of relief made things bearable for a falling instant, before I realized there was a familiar silhouette waiting for me.
“I warned you what’d happen, didn’t I?”
Pinkie’s sister awaited me, a sinister grimace on her face that told me more than words ever could. She didn’t give me the chance to defend myself or even breathe, gripping me by the shoulders in that iron clamp of hers as I yelped in pain. My bones crunched like chips in a bag as she held her head back, tensing her entire body and spreading her legs as she prepared to give me the worst headbutt I’d ever seen.
Luckily, there was no pain. Just an abrupt darkness that dulled all my senses.
______
I didn’t.
Fluttershy was already up and nervously putting her cornucopia of animal-shaped headrest in her backpack while sneaking occasional glances at me. I tried not to do anything that’d let her know I was awake, keeping my head half-buried in the pillow and staying as stiff as some of the logs just outside our tent.
It was a little difficult holding my eyes just slightly open, resulting in Fluttershy being a blurry yellow figure that vaguely resembled a person. With a cloud of drowsiness blanketing my every thought, it was somehow more difficult to come up with anything to say than last night.
Not to mention there was this nagging sensation in the back of my head like I’d forgotten something. There was this dreadful fear that sank its teeth into my brain, different from the anxiety I felt about Fluttershy. Something to do with my dream maybe? It was hard to say, I tended to forget them a few minutes after waking up. Only however they made me feel tends to stick.
After a few seconds of frustrating nothiness, I begrudgingly raised myself and feigned waking up; stretching my arms and trying to force a yawn. From the way she flinched, it was convincing enough.
“Oh, good morning Eight!”
There was a gratingly fake peppiness to her voice, which she reinforced with a smile that quivered at the corners.
“Good morning.”
I couldn’t even fake enthusiasm; any kind of dishonesty with Fluttershy filled me with more shame than anything else did. I stood up and actually stretched, standing a few feet away from Fluttershy as I rubbed my wrist. “Look, I’m sor—”
“No, please.” Her façade of glee fell before I could finish, closing the distance between us and grasping my hand in hers. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Fluttershy’s grip was surprisingly firm, not shaking or sweaty like I partly expected. “For what?”
“Well, I spent a lot of last night and this morning thinking about it, and—” She bit her lip, nostrils flaring as she deeply inhaled. “In retrospect, it makes sense why you tried to kiss me. I thought for a while that all relationships are supposed to do certain things after certain amounts of time like milestones, but Rarity told me about how different people get comfortable with different things in relationships; especially if they were friends beforehand. I didn’t really get what she meant by that until now.”
She wrapped her other hand around mine and brought it to her chest. The second I made contact with her skin, I could feel her heart beating beneath her chest, lending a rhythm to my thoughts that cleared my grogginess. A numbing heat spread throughout my body, slating clean that remnant of grogginess and leaving only an acute awareness and focus of everything Fluttershy.
“Y-yeah, but I probably should have asked you first. Even if you were okay with it, that's still a big first step to make.”
“It is, but I think I overreacted just a bit. I’m not a hussy, and kissing someone on the first date doesn’t make me one, whether we were friends beforehand or not. But what I’m a lot more worried about is—” She squeezed my hand with a painful desperation. I sucked air through my teeth, once again startled by how rigid her grip actually was. “—Pinkie. If this relationship is supposed to be a three-way communication, then going on a date without asking feels like trying to do it behind her back. I didn’t think about that when I was planning it out.”
“Shit, yeah, um...” I clenched my fist, receding from Fluttershy’s touch as a wave of guilt hit me. “I thought you would have already talked to her about it. I don’t know if she’d be bothered by it or not.”
“You were the last one to see her.” Fluttershy placed her arms on her stomach, interlacing her fingers and fidgeting awkwardly. “What do you think?”
“She—” I pictured her in the corner of her room, wallowing in a despair I could only hope I’d never understand. “I don’t know. May—”
My phone dinged, accompanied by Fluttershy’s at nearly the same time. I took it out immediately, finding that Pinkie had added us to a group chat named ‘Party of 3’. She'd sent a single message.
‘We need to talk. Come to my house after school.’
I doubt she meant for it to come off as ominous as it did. Yet another example of Pinkie’s uncanny timing.
“So...” I turned my phone around for Fluttershy to see, pushing out a blatantly fake smirk and an anxious chuckle. “What do you think the chances are that Pinkie somehow knows we’re on a date?”
Fluttershy looked far more serious. "Very high."