Rainbow Dash, wearing heavy protective gear, entered the kitchen carrying the warning label-covered ingredients followed by a similarly garbed Pinkie Pie carrying the cookbook. After setting up, Pinkie giggled. “I’ve baked some exotic stuff for all kinds of creatures, but I’ve never made anything that could kill somepony before! I can’t tell whether this is going to be fun or not!”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes as she arranged the toxic ingredients and got out the cookware. “I’m not exactly excited about it myself, but nopony said that doing something nice for somepony else was going to be pleasant each time!”
Pinkie Pie laid out the book and started turning the pages. “Let’s see… Poisonous pancakes, murderous macaroons, viper’s venom topped with cream, cyanide custard pie… Here it is! Special iced arsenic cake! Hm… looks simple enough, and it’s a no-bake! Ready Rainbow?”
Rainbow Dash gulped as she started opening the containers, turning her head away from the fumes. “As I’ll ever be, I suppose!”
Pinkie Pie cleared her throat and put her hoof to the written lines. “‘Take a big bowl of strychnine, cream with hemlock ‘till it’s green. Take a glass of paraffin, warm it up and tip it in.’ I’d say add two for luck.”
A bead of sweat ran down the side of Rainbow Dash’s face as she poured in and mixed the ingredients. She gulped heavily. “Okay… next please…”
Pinkie returned her attention to the book. “‘Add a spot of opium. Marinate a leech in scum. Sprinkle with some chopped frog spawn…’”
“Now we add a peppercorn?”
Pinkie Pie carefully scanned the page. “Um… nope!”
Rainbow Dash huffed and looked away. “Hm? Oh well…”
“‘Crumble up your arsenic, in a glass of narcotic. Add two spoons of castor oil, put them on the stove to boil.’ Maybe add three for luck.”
Despite her face coverings, Rainbow Dash’s eyes started watering as she gagged. “That’s done, what’s next?”
“‘Put some snake’s blood in a bowl. Stir in a crushed tadpole. Add a thimble full of glue…’”
“Add a spot of sugar too?”
“Hm… No!”
Rainbow Dash sighed, carefully pointing her snout away from the fuming mixture. “No? Oh well…”
“‘Add rat poison to the brew, cobra’s venom goes in too. Sweeten it with orange juice, three segments is what you use.’ Considering who we’re making this for, I think just one will do.”
Rainbow Dash wiped the sweat from her brow. “Okay, that’s all done. What’s next?”
“‘Thicken all with mandrake root. Decorate with moldy fruit. Just before the funeral…’”
“Add a spot of vitriol?”
“Uh… yep!”
“Somehow, I knew that’d be a good idea…”
After pouring the mixture in the pan and letting it sit for a moment, Rainbow Dash turned the foul pastry over onto a sheet of baking parchment and pulled off the container. “It’s probably for the best that it’s a no-bake. A little heat and this thing might explode! And I don’t think even Crazy Joe would find that appetizing after that.”
A concerned Mrs. Cake entered through the front door of the shop and trotted up to the entrance to the kitchen. “Pinkie dear, I know you said you needed us out of Sugarcube Corner for a couple days for an important order, but I just wanted to check-” However, she soon caught a whiff of the fumes coming from the kitchin and recoiled in horror, holding her hoof to her face. “SWEET CELESTIA, PINKIE! What are you baking in there?”
Rainbow Dash came out of the kitchen hovering past her, making sure to hold the warning label-covered cake box at a safe distance. “Trust me, Mrs. Cake, you don’t want to know. You might want to open a few windows for a few days, and sanitize the bowls and stuff with something labeled ‘industrial strength.’”
Rainbow Dash made her way to Everfree carrying the poisonous parcel. She asked around, but was told that Mort wasn’t home. Eventually, she was told about a specific trail he wandered down to be alone. It wasn’t until nightfall that she happened upon Mort sitting in the middle of the flattened-out ground grumbling to himself. “Hm… Bad attitude, eh? I’ll give you something to have a bad attitude about…” Then, he sighed and loudly sniffed. “Oh, Nanny…”
Rainbow Dash coughed to get his attention. “Hey there… Mort…”
At this, Mort sprung up like a rocket and held his scythes to her neck, then dropped them when he saw who his potential assailant was. “Oh… the illustrious Rainbow Dash! I hear you’re some kind of celebrity up here, part of a troop of performers called the Wonderbolts, right? And that’s in addition to all the times you’ve saved civilization as you knew it. To what do I, now a glorified janitor, owe the pleasure?”
Rainbow Dash was a little hesitant after having Mort lay it on so thick at one time. But she swallowed her pride and held out her gift. “I heard you were feeling down… So I made this for you…”
He sheathed his scythes and took the parcel in hand. “Well I suppose I should feel honored, it’s not like a people so focused on friendship doesn’t do this kind of thing every single-” However, he paused after opening the box and getting a facefull of its distinctive odor, which made Rainbow Dash back away slightly. “How did you…?”
Rainbow Dash awkwardly avoided eye contact. “Your boss and Durza mentioned something, so I kind of found an old cookbook and went from there.”
Mort looked back at the fuming cake. “Well… This… I mean, no one’s ever… Not since Nanny…” Mort soon disregarded what was left of his inhibitions and started wolfing down the toxic treat by the handful, the grass and weeds dying upon contact with the scattered crumbs. Once he was finished, he discarded the box to the side and turned towards Rainbow Dash. “That was… This is just… I don’t really know how to say it! I feel… I feel…!”
Suddenly, Mort’s cheeks puffed and he loudly belched into the air. It didn’t occur to the two of them present, but for over a hundred miles, grass and vegetation wilted, hibernating animals abruptly woke up, and fish in surrounding bodies of water went belly-up. When he was finished, Mort tried to laugh it off. “Well, pardon me, but that wasn’t all I felt. What I was saying was that I just feel… optimistic.”
Suddenly, a bright light emitted from behind Mort’s back, startling the both of them. Mort took out his glowing scythes from their holsters on his back and marveled at them. When the glow faded, they began to glimmer in the moonlight in a striking shade of red-violet. After a moment, Mort scrunched up his face and suddenly they disappeared in a rich purpleish light and reappeared a second later. He repeated this a couple of times before making a few practice swings and striking several different stances.
Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but smirk at this. “Wow, I guess this means you’re the real deal now, huh?”
Mort made what could only be described as a sincere smile, but then abruptly dropped it and lunged at Rainbow Dash, forcing her to barrel-roll out of the way. Once she regained her footing, she angrily pointed her hoof at the underworlder Administrator. “What do you think you-” But she dropped it as she saw the sight before her.
Mort was grimacing as he pushed back with his scythes against the club of solid dark dirt held by the human with a familiar striped outfit. Rainbow Dash was taken aback. “Chet Tiller? Here? He’s supposed to be back at Tartarus!”
Mort and Chet broke off their struggle, leaping back from each other. Mort swung his scythes wide to block the criminal from Rainbow Dash. “I know this guy, he was just like Trace! Super slippery, wouldn’t be much of an exaggeration to say he’s more than capable of escaping Tartarus of all places.”
Chet gave a sinister smile and suddenly held high what looked like a small whistle made of his black earth element. He soon held it to his mouth and blew, giving off a strange hollow tone. The human/pony pair started looking around in apprehension as the ground started shaking. Suddenly, a trail of disturbed earth appeared from the woods and out of it burst a huge maulwurf, growling and baring its large teeth and claws.
Rainbow Dash recoiled in shock. “Where’d that thing come from?”
Mort crossed his scythes at the creature. “He must have tamed it and turned it into a familiar! With the right spell, a familiar user can summon their pets from anywhere!”
After regaining her composure, Rainbow Dash held her head low and snorted. “Well… you’ve got a plan?”
Mort gave off a short cackling. “Typically, I’m the underworlder gang’s expert on one-on-one fighting. I might now be a top-class warrior, but I’m still fresh, and his earth derivative has the advantage over my water derivative. If you can use your weather control against him, it should be enough to dispel anything he’ll try to create. Meanwhile, I’ll take on this monster. It looks tough, but enough paralytic poison should lay it out.”
Rainbow Dash reared back. “On it!” She soon charged the bandit while Mort charged the beast, spraying a dark liquid from his mouth onto his weapons’ blades.
As Rainbow Dash got near, Chet swung back his club and snapped it at the oncoming pegasus, causing it to elongate into a multi-tipped bullwhip. Rainbow Dash deftly avoided each of the winding strikes, then suddenly dashed back while blasting forward a gust of wind which caused the crude construct to crumble. Holding what was left of his makeshift weapon’s handle, it elongated into a long stick and he threw it at his opponent, one end giving off a spray of sparks. Rainbow Dash whirled around and gave what was clearly an explosive a horizontal bat with one of her hooves, sending it back and forcing the one who created it to leap out of the way as it exploded and left a crater in the ground.
Meanwhile, Mort back stepped or deflected each of the maulwurf’s sweeping claw strikes. When the beast paused to recover, Mort sprung and raked his blades across the creature’s arm. However, it merely made a shrill holler and batted him back with a swing of that arm. Mort backed off to size up the situation. “Thick hide, and it's got some potent natural immunity too. This should be fun!”
Chet bent low and ripped out a chunk of the ground. He flung it at Rainbow Dash, causing it to turn into a series of flying bolas. Rainbow Dash countered by spinning around and making a small tornado that the constructs disintegrated on contact with, forcing Chet to dodge out of the way as it moved towards him.
Mort jumped back while swinging his scythes, sending out a pair of flying crescent blades of fluid poison. The maulwurf avoided by tunneling into the ground. Mort kept his guard up, and backflipped to dodge the monster’s below-ground lunge at him. However, the flying slashes of poison suddenly boomeranged around and struck the maulwurf in the back, sending it toppling. Mort smirked at this. “I guess I can remotely control my poison attacks now. Cool.”
This time, Rainbow Dash took the initiative and rocketed high in the sky. Chet peered up at her and flinched as she came down to divebomb him. He bent low and thrust his hand into the ground next to him, swinging it back up to erect a shield of solidified black soil that smothered the worst of the pegasus’s full-on attack. However, she extended her legs to give herself a jumping start as she went back up to the sky and came to rest on a lazily passing cloud she spotted earlier. With a confident kick, a lightning bolt shot down and shattered Chet’s shield, sending him spasming into the ground as before.
The maulwurf zoomed back and crouched low before making a headlong charge at Mort. However, it abruptly stopped and swept its claws upward, sending a storm of rubble at its human opponent. In response, Mort swung and threw his scythes outward, making them scatter the projectiles as they curved back around. Mort used this as cover to charge directly at the creature. He leaped up and forcefully pulled down the maulwurf’s lower jaw before spraying a thick stream of poison in its mouth from his own. The creature made a clumsy gulp and belched up a few fumes before swaying on its back paws and falling over.
Rainbow Dash and Mort met back up and marveled at their handiwork. Rainbow Dash raised a hoof and Mort, recognizing the gesture, tapped it with his fist.