//------------------------------// // Iso-Dopes // Story: A Mangled, Scrambled, Slice of Life(That Was Overcooked, to Boot!) // by SpectralUnicorn //------------------------------// CAUTION: This chapter is rated A for Absurd depictions of radiation _____________________________________________________ As the debris cleared out of the ruins of the kitchen, Rainbow Pie could make out the irate pink Rarity glaring at her. At the same time, Spike, Big Mac, Flutterjack and Apple Bloom could make out the four semi-unconscious mares scattered all over the plywood that made up the kitchen for Sugarcube Corner. "Uh, heheh..." The fake Pinkie was confused and frightened at why the real Pinkie looked so cross with her, so much so that she had stopped being Pinkie at this moment. "So, uh, anything wrong?" she asked, futilely trying to diffuse the tension. "You darn tootin' there's something wrong!" Pinkie snapped, in a distinctly not-attempting-an-accent accent. "Hey now," Flutterjack butt in. "Ain't Ah the one sayin' 'darn toot-'" "I'm busy right now, Fluttershy!" Pinkie spat. "Um, okay." The four conscripts in Pinkies' war were just regaining full consciousness, getting a better feel for their surroundings. Twilight, in particular, was taking note of the glowing green goo that gave the kitchen a ghastly guise. Her eyes became saucer plates that weren't broken like the ones in this kitchen, and her pupils became smaller than the remains of the things covered with the radiated slime. She slowly got up, trying to deny it, then quickly confronting the two mares, unable to hide from it. Her mind raced to the conclusion the lethal batter gave her. "Has the Ponyville Radiation Plant seen what you've done?" Twilight asked Rainbow Dash in a hushed, audibly mortified voice. "because when they do, YOU'LL PAY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES!" "Darn tootin,' she will!" Pinkie interjected. "Okay, okay!" Rainbow conceded further. "What did I do wrong?" "Hmmmm, let's see, shall we?" Pinkie was being rather antagonistic today. If Rarity and Applejack didn't wake up from Twilights' freak out, Pinkies' barbed, sarcasm-soaked response to Rainbow Dash trying to reason with her sure did. "Maybe, perhaps, somehow, in a way, you may have, kind of, perhaps, slightly, maybe, possibly, a little more slightly-" "Just get to the point already, Pinkie! Really!" Rarity shouted. All the tension in the "room" dissolved all the passion for role-play at the moment. "What I'm saying, Miss Rainbow Dash," Pinkie summed up in a not-Rarity accent, contrasting with that last sentence, "is that you are in violation of copyright laws." "Copyright?" Rainbow said, dumbstruck. "What kind of bakery involves copyright?" Pinkie went livid. "The kind of bakery that trademarked Thermo-nuclearo-dynamicano-So-Bucking-Good-It-Oughta-Be-A-War-Crime Pancakes!" "Is that why we're both sterile?!" Standing next to the over-stimulated eardrums of the farm ponies and Spike were an equally livid Mr. & Mrs. Cake. Mrs. Cake was the one who intervened. Pinkies' anger subsided almost entirely. "Wait, all these radiation blocks in the secret stash sterilized you?" She asked this as she opened up a trap door in front of her that let out a much stronger burst of lime green. Everyponys' jaw hit the floor. As did Spike's. "Pinkie?" Twilight asked apprehensively. "Why did you steal all of those radiation bars?" "Do tell, Pinkie." Faux-Rarity was gesturing at Faux-Pinkie. "Uh, 'Rarity?'" the fake Pinkie responded. "Rainbow Dash means you." "Oh!" Pinkie exclaimed, dropping the act. "Wait, I didn't steal them! I paid the nice mares in hazmat suits for them." "Paid?!" Twilight spat with hushed disharmony. "You bribed them for radioactive rods?! And they accepted?!" "Nope!" Pinkie responded proudly. "I left them a gift for all those sticks!" "A GIF-" Twilight was frenzied, but she caught herself, trying to right what Pinkie made wrong. "Okay," not-Rainbow said with a deep breath. "What, pray tell, did you bribe them with?" "Laundry detergent!" Pinkie shouted excitedly. She paused, then added, "With chocolate! I had a bite before I picked up the radiated sticks, and I didn't know how to present the two together, so I stuck the chocolate bar to the detergent contai-" Before Pinkie could talk about how to present presents, blaring sirens sounded all over Ponyville. The sounds were especially noticeable outside, which the group essentially was. "This is an emergency announcement!" Mayor Mares' voice boomed across the town limits. "I've just received word that the Ponyville Radiation Plants' radioactive equilibrium has been thrown out of balance." Twilights' eyes managed to widen even further in horror. Everybody else just stood there looking perplexed. "I've just received more word: what the PRP is saying, is basically 'The power plant is having a meltdown because of some laundry detergent and a bar of chocolate replacing nuclear sticks.'" Since real Pinkie was once there with some detergent and chocolate, everyponys' eyes were now on her. There was no sound in that crowd, except for the sirens still cutting through the air, and whole herds flocking to get out of Ponyville. "Wow!" Rainbow Dash broke the potential silence. "I thought I was wreaking havoc by taking those rods! But I guess I am the best role-player, since I thought like Pinkie, and acted like Pinkie." She sounded totally nonchalant and cocky as she said this. "Welp, I think I've won this bet! I'll have $200 from everypony, starting with Apple Bloom over there. Pay up!" "Apple Bloom?!" With all of this talk of nuclear meltdowns and friends facing a very real extended life sentence at best, Applejack understandably forgot about her fugitive, beer-drinking little sister. But there would be no salvation now. "Well, well. Looks like Ah found mah fugitive." "Fugitive?" Apple Blooms' knees trembled. "No, sis, Ah'm sorry! It was a kid thing! Didn't you ever drink beer when you were a filly?" Applejack paused, remembering that she did, in fact, drink beer when she was a young foal. She even got drunk! "Actually," Applejack said, her death stare on Apple Bloom melting into a look of deep emotion. "Ah did." The 'room' went silent, except for Flutterjack, who said, "It's all good to have moments lahk these, ev'rypony, but shouldn't we-" "But nopony else in this family's gonna do that!" The fire in Applejacks' eyes lit up again as she tackled the redhead foal and pinned her to the ground. "Twahlaght," Fluttershy the fake Farmer intervened. "There's a-" "No time!" Applejack rejected. "Apple Buzz here's gotta get home! Granny Smith'll be waitin' for her!" "But Twahlaght-" "Ah ain't Twilight, Fluttershy! Mah name is Applejack! And your name is Fluttershy! And 'Rarity' is Pinkie P-" Applejack lost her voice as her eyes followed a regal chariot swooping out of the sky and onto the ground in front of the ruined kitchen. An even more regal mare exited the chariot and quickly approached six of the ponies in the ruins. "Girls!" Princess Celestia urged. "We have a serious problem right now, and I need you six to put everything that happened today behind you!" Rarity, being a keen listener, decided to give Celestia some trivia she learned today. In Fluttershys' voice, she said "Um, well, if it's about the, well, you know, I think I should, well... I mean, Pinki-" "NO!" Celestias' voice boomed, sending Raritys' hair into disarray. "Total cooperation! We have to put an end to this now! Follow me!" The six mares, and Spike, trailed the Summoner of the Sun without question. The only inconveniences were Rarity having to readjust her hair into Fluttershys' style, Pinkie grabbing the nuclear rods, and Applejack giving Apple Bloom to Big MacIntosh. She wasn't lettin' no nucular meltdown get her connivin' little sis off scot free! "So..." Mr. Cake said, as everypony departed. "What about our kitchen?" Nopony, or Spike, wasthinking about where they were running, or what direction they were taking. They just had to set everything right. "We're here!" the Princess declared. "Here?" Twilight asked. "Princess, this is Town Hall." "I know. Your point?" "What about the pow-" "Sssshhhh!" The Princess silenced Sparkle. Then she said in a hushed voice "We need to approach quietly." Bewildered, everypony complied regardless. They snuck through the whole tower. It was refined, yet abandoned, like a fine China teapot. "Ugh, where is she?" Celestia asked herself as her magnificent horn began to glow. "But Princess," Twilight said, "Shouldn't we be trying to stop-" "Aha! In that bomb shelter! No use hiding from me, you miserly little weasel!" Celestia proclaimed in a singsong tone. She walked towards a safe in the floor, and she blasted it open like it was paper. Something scurried into a corner, but Celestias' magic pulled her out. It was Mayor Mare, shaking and jittering like a pug out of water. "Oh, good day, everypony!" greeted the Mayor to the six swapped ponies. And Spike. She then turned to a peeved-looking Celestia. "And a very fine welcome to you, Your Highness!" "Can it, Mare!" Celestia wanted to get to business, meltdown sirens be damned. "You lost that bet fair and square, now pay up!" She caught the shocked ponies staring back at her. "Oh, and, I need to collect those taxes, now!" "Everypony?" Flutterjack wanted the floor, but Twilight pushed her out of the way. "Princess? Mayor? what did you two gamble on?" asked Sparkle. "Aheyum!" Farmer Fluttershy interrupted. "Rainbow Dash?" Celestia exclaimed. "Why are you acting like Twilight?" Twilight tried to keep her cool. "I don't think this is the time for acting and debt-collecting. There's a nuclear meltdown going on right now, didn't you hear?" "There was actually a nuclear meltdown?!" Mayor Mare and Celestia shot out in surprise. "Princess?!" Twilight was shocked, then turned enraged. "Mayor?! You activated a false alarm just to get out of paying a gambling debt?!" "Of course not, Twilight!" Mayor defended. "I was merely testing it, and...everypony passed! But there really is a meltdown at the power plant, so let's go!" "Wait!" Celestias' hoof calmed everyone, even with the sirens sounding. "You girls." She gestured to the Mane Six. "The day hasn't ended yet." "Princess, with all due respect," Applejack started, "This ain't the buc-" "Giddy up, slowpokes!" yelled Fake Farmer Fluttershy as she galloped past everypony and Spike. She knocked over a book, detailing the powers and checks on Equestrian Royalty, in front of Twilight, who got a good look at it. "That's the spirit, Applejack!" Celestia called out. Everypony got the message, even if the Princess was acting completely insane. "I do say!" Rarity Pie yelled as she ran into the fray. "Let us teach that ruffian power plant what happens when its' manners are misplaced at its' abode!" "Um... Rarity?" Faux-Fluttershy trailed her imposter. "Anypony got a lollipop?" asked the curly-haired Rainbow. "Huh?" Twilight was finished reading an interesting piece of trivia about Equestrian royalty checks. "Oh, ri-yeah. No stupid plant's gonna hurt my friends!" "Wait up everypo-" Celestias' slender foreleg blocked Applejack. "Twilight, you're acting strange!" said the Princess. "Almost like Applejack!" The orange mare sighed aside and forced out "Let's go, girls! I have a plan that'll save Ponyville from a nucula-" "Nuclear." "Nuclear meltdown." "Here's a map to the generator that the PRP provided me. Good luck, my apprentice." As 'Twilight' left, Celestia turned her attention to the gray-maned pony trying to sneak away from her debt. "Nuh-uh-uh!" Celestia held the Mayor in a tight levitational grip. "We didn't pay off our debts, now, did we?" The momentarily meek Mayor Mare merely whimpered. As the mares and Spike ran to the power plant, Pinkie was eating something bright out of a bag with a fork. Nopony noticed, though. But Spike did. "Uh, Twilight?" Spike said. "Not now, Sug-Ah me-I mean, I mean Spike." Applejack of all ponies said. "But Pinki-" "No I'm not!" Rainbow Dash was merrily bouncing towards the facility. Why did Celestia have to make everypony get back into 'character' right now of all time? "Okay," Spike played along. "Rainbow Dash!" "Yeah, Spike?" Twilight responded. Thank Celestia, too! "Do you see what Pi-I mean, what Rarity's eating?" "Huh," Violet Dash looked at the fashionista fraud eating bright stuff from her bag. "That is pretty weird." "Well, let's talk to her when we get to the plant. You might know what to do." "Probably not. Go ask Twilight." 'Rainbows'' response caused the purple dragon to bury his face in his claws. "Wait, girls!" Everypony stopped at the fake Rainbows' demand. "We're he-" "Hold it, partner!" the surrogate Twilight butt in. "I am the highest ranking member of this unit, so I declare our arrival." Everypony looked at her, puzzled, for a number of reasons. "Ahem. Wait girls! We are at our desired location of problem-fixing." Violet Dashs' face was stone. "Uh, Twilight," Imitation Dash asked, "maybe I should lead us in. You don't seem too well today." "Phew! Ah didn't what Ah'd do at a power plant! Thank Celestia you're around!" "We probably shouldn't thank her for this day. Anyway, let's split up and look for the ge-" "My most wise, most beautiful, most sexy mentor Princess Celestia has provided me with a cartographication of the Ponyville Radiation Plant. It's right through the doors, there!" Everybody laughed loudly at Applejacks' impression of the bookish unicorn. Even Twilight couldn't hold back her giggles. And with that, the seven walked through a giant, dark, rusty, chrome room with green puddles everywhere. Machines were still working, but the glow around them said they were not to be trifled with. It made real Twilight drip beads of sweat. "Hey, uh, Twilight?" she asked Applejack. "Did the Princess provi-g-give us hazmat suits?" "Huh." That question caught Applejack off guard. "I suppose we were not completely armed to subdue this potential nuclear holocaust. However, time is running thin and we must corre-" "We have arrived!" The verbose earth pony was interrupted by the other verbose earth pony, whom was right. The generator was a hexagonal mass of dark blue techno-metal suspended by a thick, cybernetic pole of the same color. It was glowing the brightest. "Alright Pinkie-I mean Rarity." Twilight the Dash instructed. "I've been an egghead and read stuff about handling nuclear energy. Still have that bag of radiation?" "Ah, yes!" the False Designer replied, holding up the empty sack. "I most certainly did have it! It was spicy, yet filling! And the consistency was top-notch! I give it a B+ for effort!" Everyponys' jaw dropped. Spike just rolled his eyes. Rarity, the real one who was Fluttershy, however, had a reddening face and twitching eyes. She stopped being Fluttershy to give 'Rarity' even more of a piece of her mind. In fact, she was giving her the whole pie! "YOU ATE THE STICKS?!" Pinkies' face scrunched up as Rarity started screaming in her face and holding her coat. "Pinkie, you brainless dolt! I've put up with you for years, and this is how you repay us?!" Pinkie looked back at her other friends, but they merely wore a stern expression. "Destroying my Boutique! Nearly killing us on impact! Wrecking the Sugarcube Corner bakery! But nooooo, that wasn't good enough for you, was it?! You had to go above and beyond annoying! You had to eat Ponyvilles' salvation, too! What do you have to say for yourself?!?!" Rarity tossed Pinkie backwards, and she regained her balance quickly. Pinkie mumbled something totally unintelligible, like her mouth was full-to-bursting with something. Sure enough, she opened up her mouth to reveal a red, glowing octopus that had grown on her tongue. A chorus of screams erupted from everyone in the room not named Rarity. The real one just started breathing through her stammers. Then a loud, royal laugh bellowed through the generator chamber. "That was amusing enough," the empowered voice echoed. "The day is over!" Through a pink and white portal came Princess Celestia. She looked very amused. "Princess, stay back!" the real Twilight yelled. "Pinkie Pie's contaminated with radiation. She has an octopus on her tongue!" "It popped off!" She declared happily. "I'm naming her Pointy!" After a beat, Celestia said, "Don't worry, Twilight. You were never in any real danger." "Wh-What do you mean?" she asked. "I mean there never was a power plant!" Celestia responded. "I just got everypony to think there was!" And with a swoop of her mighty left wing, the plant disappeared around them, and a barren school for fillies and colts appeared in its' place. Everyones' jaws hit the floor, except for real Pinkies', who was squeezing Pointy with her hugs. Nopony, or Spike, knew how she managed to become mutated when the Ponyville Radiation Plant wasn't even real. Pinkie Pie works in mysterious ways. "Princess Celestia," Twilight started, "doesn't this seem a little unethical?" "Come now, Twilight!" She responded. "What's the harm in a little fun?" "Well," the bookish mare began. "You've had too much fun! Mass illusions and brainwashing are only excusable in times of Total War, Gambling for any reason is inexcusable in the Royal Court, and forcing subjects to role-play for a whole day is illegal." "Twilight," Celestia said, amused. "Where did you get such ridiculous ideas?" "The Geneighva Convention. When Fluttershy ran by you, she knocked over a very interesting book detailing the powers and limits of Equestrian Royalty." "Oh, Twilight," Celestia tried to hoofwave, increasingly desperate to drop the conversation. "Don't you know that these things change all the time?" "I also read that Geneighva Convention Amendments must be publicly announced before ratification, and even if they weren't, I would have heard about them." Celestia opened her mouth with a response, but even her voice was against her. The mares who endured each others' lives looked at Celestia with a devious smile etched across their faces. Even Spike derived some schadenfreude from the Princess Celestias' predicament. "Spike," Twilight announced. "Take a note. But send it to a different source." "With pleasure, Twilight!" Spike gleefully replied, pen and paper already ready. Celestia gulped. And Pointy hugged Pinkie back.