“Oh, so potions function like chemistry.” Twilight said as she and Sunset were reading through some books.
“Basically. Rather than the chemicals and such reacting with each other it’s the magic. The Zebra Kingdoms really pioneered potions and alchemy more than ponies.” Sunset replied.
“Right, but chemistry is still a thing in Equestria. Has anyone tried to see if a combination does anything?”
“Sometimes yes, sometimes no. There are still a lot of unknowns when it comes to magic and why certain reactions happen so, when mixing with more predictable and calculable things like basic chemistry, things tend to either not happen or go nuts.”
“Strange.”
“I see you two are hitting it off.” I said, even though I was currently opening pack’s of the newest set of Yugioh Cards, and it being about the Paradox Brother’s Labyrinth episode, which was awesome to me as a big nerd.
“Well, given magic actually follows almost the same laws that science does, I've been reading and studying up.” Twilight said. “Casting spells still is a challenge given I’m not exactly used to the anatomy or having magic at all, but given they teach it to toddlers here I can easily pick it up once I learn to channel it. But potions and runes seem to be the easiest forms of magic so far.”
“Yeah. Potions are like chemistry and rune magic is like writing words to speak to or in magic to commend an action.” Sunset added.
“At least you have a horn to levitate things, I don’t.” I huffed. “I miss thumbs…” I looked at my hooves with a frowned. “But so far, I’ve been getting pretty lucky with some new cards, back home they probably wouldn’t have been too groundbreaking but here they’re probably gonna be really awesome.”
“Well, why not learn some alternative casting or enchantments?” Sunset asked.
“Can Earth Ponies do that? Also…how will I cause if it’s difficult as hell to open packs without thumbs, writing enchantments or possibly writing for casting stuff is gonna be a bitch.”
“Well…” Sunset started, floating down a book from the shelves. Using her magic she flipped through the pages until she arrived at one and showed it to me. The page displaying a sketch of some… clockwork clawed appendage?
“Griffons for centuries have made use of clockwork enchanted prosthetics to replace lost limbs. Ponies sometimes use them as they find fingers much more viable for use. The best part is that a lot of the ones made for ponies don’t require surgery, rather they slip on over the hoof and latch on along the legs above the frogs. If not, there are enchanted bracelets that allow for a form of mild levitation or other spells that can be put within it as long as the gemstones on the item are strong enough to support the spell.”
“Okay…that’s actually really cool.” I said honestly. “So time to get myself some clockwork talons…and do I need to go to a specific shop or do I have to personally make these things?”
“Well, there might be some shops that sell them, but they are pricey. Then again, royalty.” Sunset chuckled.
“True.” I shrugged. “I am…more money than I could ever care to use…”
“Making some might be cool though.” Twilight added. “You could make all kinds of alterations, additions and modifications stock produced versions can’t have.”
“Well, you basically have unlimited funding and magic comparable to the SCP Foundation…I might as well ask you to build me some of those fancy prosthetics cause you’re awesome.”
“Your flattery is appreciated but unnecessary.” Twilight said, but smirked.
“Oh you love it.” I teased with a smile.
"Well, either way making a custom one will take a week at the least, a month at the most." Sunset added. "Think you can wait up to a month?"
“Yes I can, since I have a lot of things to work on, like school, learning how Earth Ponies function, learning tactics cause I’m supposed to be a more tactician of the group and a whole lot of other things.”
"Why do you wanna know how earth ponies function?"
“Because Earth Ponies need to have something they can do that pegasi and unicorns can’t.” I said honestly.
"I mean, they're typically physically stronger and can aid in plant and agricultural magics. They're also some of the best crafters in the world, matched only by Griffin and Minotaurs in the fields of technology and industry."
“That’s pretty cool.” I nodded. “Good to know all that…I suppose it doesn’t really help with what my skills are but still.”
"Well, in regards to tactics and such maybe you can find a mentor with some of the royal guard?"
“True.” I said. “Do you know anyone Sunset?” I inquired since she would know a lot of people around here.
"No one personally."
“Right, so I’ll either have to talk to Celestia about it all or just look around myself.” I said honestly.
"Celestia would probably be your best bet."
“True…so off to talk to her and see who’s good with tactics.”
I got up and began looking for Celestia, who was thankfully in the throne room where I expected her to be.
"Hello Mike." Celestia addressed me. "What brings you by?"
“I need your help looking for a tactician.” I said. “Cause I really need to learn a lot about it.”
“Ah, I see.” Celestia smirked. “I recommend locating Former Captain Golden Arrow. He’s retired but is the best tactician I’ve had in my ranks that is still amongst the living.”
“Thank you.” I nodded. “Where can I find Golden Arrow?”
“These days, he plays anyone who is willing at a game of chess in Rosewood Park. I imagine even after this event, he still is waiting for opponents.”
“Oh god Chess…haven’t played that in a while…” I groaned. “Well, where’s Rosewood Park? I…haven’t really explored like I should…”
“It’s not far. Just exit the castle from the west exit and go straight. The park will be easily found to your right after a half an hour's trot.”
“Thank you.” I nodded. “I also hope work isn’t being too annoying for ya today.”
“There are some moments, but since most of the kingdom is trapped in cards still it’s much less than it used to be.”
“I’m trying…” I sighed. “Got two down…just need…the rest of this planet…”
“No one is saying you aren’t Mike… No one other than yourself it seems.”
“It’s dawning on me how many people’s lives are at stake and how I’m probably the person that has to defeat the Monarchs, then possibly all the villains from another dimension because Angrdoba and Fenrir wanted some ‘entertainment’.” I frowned.
“These things take time Mike. No one is born ready to solve the world’s problems. I feel that meeting with Golden Arrow will be a good thing. Knowing the old pony, he probably expects you to come to him anyway.”
“Well…hopefully our meeting will go well.” I said honestly. “Thanks Celestia.”
“Take care Mike.”
With a nod I left to the west exit. The Walk was… relaxing.
Finding the park was easy and I found it fairly empty, save a golden maned elderly earth pony with a soft brown coat. He sat with a set up chess board in front of him and a large glass of iced tea next to him.
“Hello sir.” I said politely. “Mind if I have this match?” I asked, motioning to the set up chess board.
“Take a seat. Been waiting for ya, ‘King Mike’.” He smirked as I sat across from him. “Was wondering when you’d show your muzzle around me.”
“Sorry sir, I was a bit busy trying to figure out some things.” I said sheepishly. “But it’s nice to meet you, and who shall go first?”
“You can go first.”
I nodded, looking over all the pieces and seeing that they were all basically the same shape as back home, so I moved one of my pawns two spaces forward and passed. “So, Celestia has told me you are the best tactician Equestria has that’s still alive.”
“So she tells me.” He chuckled, moving his own pawn.
“Well, I’m here to ask for your help.” I said, as I moved my left knight up.
“I know.” He said, moving and taking my pawn. Wait, how did he… oh…
“Uh…how?” I asked, having seen the board and my pawn wasn’t anywhere near the diagonal, that should be a pawn’s ‘attack’. “I…probably should have asked what the rules of Chess were here…”
“Better question you should have asked was ‘What Version of Chess is this’.” He smirked.
Multiple versions of chess? Well… that’s actually kinda cool. I know there are some alternative versions of chess back home but… magic version? That’s interesting.
“Alright, so I didn’t know there was multiple versions of chess…well, I kinda did but what version of chess are we playing here?”
“Pre-Planned Assault.” He said. “It’s similar to normal chess, but it puts the first to move at a disadvantage.” He said. I looked back at the board- what the?! The pieces are scattered, and it got… bigger? “Think of this game like this. You are an invader charging into unknown enemy territory. The goal is to claim victory in an ever changing and unknown landscape. The board changed depending on the mental image the natives, in this case me, know the land as.”
Woah… that’s pretty hard core and stacked heavily against me… but if you can win against a battle like this…
“Right…so I have to think on the fly and hope for the best…” I muttered, already hating this as my brain with ‘Yugioh’ strategy felt more like stupid solitaire compared to this…”Oh boy…this isn’t going to end well…” I said, moving over and taking his pawn with my own.
Once I did I saw one of his pawns take my rook. Crap… this isn’t good…
“Okay this is mildly cheating if he’s already destroying my backrow with fucking pawns…” I thought to myself bitterly, taking it out again with my own pawn as I just had to react to his chicanery here.
Two moves later, I lost and the board magically reset and turned back to normal.
“Welp. That was pathetic.” He chuckled.
“And if you mean ‘pathetic’, you mean you were literally taking my backline when you shouldn’t have been able to…” I grumbled. “I mean seriously, I literally make one move and suddenly you go ‘well, I cast Teleport, suck shit’.” I frowned.
Golden Arrow just burst out laughing. “Welcome to warfare and tactitioning kid. It’s all bullshit.” He said with roaring laughter. He then stopped. “And if you can’t adapt to the shit you and your kingdom are screwed.”
“My guy, if you think ‘I move pawn, I get shanked immediately’ is proper adapting, I don’t know what the hell you want.”
“I want you to try.” He smirked. “If you take every unfair loss as proof you ain’t worth shit, then you ain’t worth shit. If you keep trying and learn from the mistakes and losses, then you can grab victory when it counts. I was given the rundown on your fights here in Canterlot and over in Ponyville. Gotta say, if you give commands like that and still think you’re a tactician, you really are just a child playing card games.”
“So far this is the only unfair loss I’ve had so far in this…giant mess…two, I only did like…five fight’s all together, with two of them being here and I have no idea who gave you the rundowns on them…” I frowned, still trying to fathom how he thinks my fights went from ‘I’m actually doing okay in this fight’ to ‘welp, you died somehow, better luck next time’.
“Listen kid, the way I see it, is that you have a talent for planning ahead, but you lack adaptability. Combat wise I can already tell you’re like a twig, but your mind is sharp. So you tell me, what do you think makes a good tactician?”
“Many things, foresight that…isn’t magical now that I’m dealing with a lot of magic,” I said nervously. “Quick wits, knowing your people and all their talents, as you said adaptability, and all around just needing to be a fantastic multitasker.”
“You forgot one crucial part.”
“What is that part?”
“Information. Not just on your allies, but of your enemies and of everything. A true tactician takes knowledge of all things and focuses on how to make it work for them and their troops in battle. A seemingly useless bit of knowledge can turn the tide of a battle and spell victory when defeat seemed certain.”
“And I’m currently having to play a game where I’m not allowed to know anything…” I frowned.
“You have every chance to know everything. You just came here knowing little to nothing of your opponent and agreed to a match without thinking.” He smirked. “Rookie move.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah yeah, excuse me for assuming this would have been…alright, I have to ask, was this an accident or is the ‘old wise man in a beautiful park wanting to play chess’ just a universal constant?” I asked, that weird realization just ramming into me that I was, in fact, in one of those situations.
“Oh I do this to swindle hot shot nobles walking through here out of some bits.” He chuckled. “Oh their egos and pride are so easily bruised and beaten to a bloody pulp. Warms my old heart to see them lose their shit.” He chuckled.
“Well…considering what I’ve seen so far of the nobles…I’m not surprised.” I said honestly.
“Now then, you still looking to study under me?”
“I have to know better so I can do better.” I said honestly.
“Alright then your ‘highness’. Don’t expect the royal treatment though just because you're shagging the princess.” I blushed. “Come on then boy, let’s get you a real education.” Golden Arrow said as he got up and began walking down the path.
“That is in fact what I’m here for.” I said, getting up and following after him.
“Is Mike… okay?” Sonata asked.
“I heard his teacher has been putting him through the ringer. That includes learning and challenging him to those duals.” Sunset said.
“From what I’ve learned he’s beaten Mike at every chess and duel match they’ve had. I think it’s gotten to him.” Pure said.
“This guy must be one hell of a tactician to beat Mike every time.” Twilight said.
“Golden Arrow has a stellar record, and his family goes back many generations to well before the war with Nightmare Moon. His family has been a family of genius tactitions.” Celestia said.
“So why bother challenging Mike all the time if he’s basically gonna win every time?” Sunset asked.
“To see how far he’s come in his training. When studying under a master of Golden Arrow’s caliber, the best test to determine progress of a student is practice and failure. Each failure tells him how far Mike has come.” Celestia replied.
“It’s true. The best way to judge progress is to see how long it takes them to fail.” Pure said.
“Yeah, that makes sense… still… it’s been four months… I think at this point he might be fucking with him…” Sunset said.
I sat in my pile of notebooks and books for reference…
“A lot of these notebooks are references to how I failed…and some of these books are recountings of Golden Arrow’s prized wins…seriously, how the fuck does one win a fight ten to one with nothing but two unicorns, fifty foot rubber hose and a pack of fire crackers?”
“Rather chaotically.” Celestia chuckled.
“Is he really a tactical genius or just crazy?” Sunset asked.
“A bit of both I suppose. That’s what makes him one of the best the kingdom has ever had.”
“Yes, he’s proven that very readily.” I groaned.
“Surprised he’s not pushing some granddaughter on Mike. Especially if Mike beats him.” Pure said.
“Golden Arrow never fathered any children.” Celestia said.
“Wonder why…too busy with guard duty that he never bothered or something else?”
“He fancied stallions.” Celestia said.
“Oh… that’s rare.” Sunset said.
Being gay is rare in Equestria?
“Why is being gay in Equestria rare?” I asked.
“Well, being gay isn’t rare exactly… just amongst stallions.” Celestia said. “As is, stallions are not commonly born in Equestria. There’s nothing wrong or illegal about it, It’s just not commonly seen given the low ratio of stallion births.”
“Yeah, I wanted to ask that but didn’t know when or how to ask.” I brought up. “So what’s the actual birth rates of males then?”
“One in fifteen are born a stallion at the current rate.” Celestia sighed. “It’s sadly been that way for the last two hundred years as well. The Equestrian population has unfortunately taken a steep decline then has stagnated since.”
“Well…that’s uh…that’s not good at all.” I said honestly. “Is there a reason for this? Like some lust demon getting pissed and cursing your race for some reason?”
“Oh no, he knows his place.” Celestia answered practically immediately with a…very concerning smile.
“Uh…” I gulped. “Sh-should I ask?” I asked nervously at the possible ‘dommy mommy’ threat.
“I wouldn’t.” Celestia said. “No, this has just been an unseen and unexpected development. Thankfully, there has been a boon of advancements in artificial pregnancy methods, herd and poly relationships are extremely common. Things have been tricky but stable.”
“I mean…you have magic, magic up a functional pair, can’t be that hard right?” I asked, considering everything else about magic I’ve heard growing a dick shouldn’t be that hard.
“...Says the pony who knows nothing of magic…” Celestia said with a frown.
“Despite how magic seems now, it still took a lot of development and experimentation Mike. While yes a talented unicorn mare would ‘make’ a pair and rod that work and feel like the real thing, making working soldiers is another thing entirely.” Sunset said.
“Let’s start with what I’ve seen and been told about magic…” I said, taking a deep breath. “You have personally brought down the sun’s wrath onto a bitch, I know it was tough and your somehow connected to it, but that is still a massive feat, magic can literally bend the laws of nature to your will but you still need to somehow schedule it instead of letting nature take it’s course,” I raised a hoof before they could respond. “Death itself barely means a thing because of magic, and I have two people that are living proof of such a thing.” I motioned to Pureblood and Sunset. “No, I don’t understand Magic, I will concede that point…but come on, when that’s literally some of the first thing’s I learn about magic in this world, the mundane being ‘difficult’ seems really weird.”
“My magic to move the sun doesn’t come from study or talent. It’s a natural part of me as a Sun Goddess.” Celestia said. “To me, moving the sun is as natural as breathing. It’s not something I can explain or teach. As for the death part, Demi Gods are unique within Equestria. They can easily travel between the lands of living and dead. The reason they can revive those that pass is because they can witness one's life and see if the sands that count down to their true death have run dry or not. If not, then they revive. If they are, they are left in the lands of the dead.”
“I’m sorry, meant to say Sunset with the Sun’s Wrath thing.” I said with a raised hoof. “But one thing I was told was that there’s a Gender Bending potion…why didn’t you just make one that was half way? Giving someone biological parts of both from the template of changing someone from one to the other?” I asked. “You were especially casual with how you made it sound like Sunset’s old boyfriend bailed and was under witness protection because of her Celestia.” I said, not knowing why we’re having this ‘fight’ but it’s at least something for me to understand magic more in this crazy world.
“While there are potions that can change the gender and even species, making them fertile is something only a fertility god can do. That is how Sunset’s ex achieved this, however the only fertility god on Equestria refuses to assist in developing a means for us to alter the issue.”
“What?” I asked. “That’s…that’s dumb…where’s this Fertility God and why are they grumpy?”
“They live on the eastern coast. They mostly spend their days fishing, gardening and only travel into the nearby town for new books.”
“And why have they seemingly given up on their job?” I asked. “Cause I think the weird birth ratio has something to do with them leaving their job…also, when did they decide to live like a hermit?”
“No, Dria has always hated her job as a fertility goddess.” Celestia sighed. “For as long as I have been a goddess, she has hated it.”
“Then why haven’t they either given their divinity to someone else or give someone else the Fertility Spark?” I inquired. “I don’t know how god’s work, because Divinity on Earth has been changed to mean a lot of things, and be either a predetermined thing or someone can get it based on either super magic, devotion, or other means.”
“Godhood can not be transferred. She always hated followers. Though to be fair, so do I, and… Fertility Spark? Really? You do know that’s not a thing…”
“Listen, I’ve been teleported to a new world by a Skeleton Witch Doctor pimp, the entire planet has been carded by a griffon and a wolf both named after mythological beings, I am summoning monsters from a completely different world from all of this, and your telling me that something is ‘not a thing’.” I said with a frown. “I might finally be processing some of this insanity and making me wonder what is and isn’t possible.”
“I do wonder how Voodoo is doing?” Sunset hummed with some thought, given that we haven’t talked to our ‘sponsor’ in a while.
“Where I to guess… placing bets.” Adagio said.
“On what?” Pure asked.
“How many mental breakdowns Mike is gonna have.”
“That makes sense.” Aria said.
“I’m right here ya know.” I frowned. “I’m not going to have any mental breakdowns.”
“You had one over me and Pure fighting!” Sunset said.
“And somehow that was the only thing that could make you see what you were doing was completely batshit insane!”
“No we only agreed to end your mental breakdown and rebuild your sanity.” Pure said. “In case you forget every night Sunset and I battle it out in vivid life like dreams. Just last night I snapped her neck.”
“Only because you threw dirt in my eyes you fucking cheater!” Sunset growled.
“To the victor goes the spoils.” Pure smirked. “I got to view an hour of your baby memories.”
“Piss off…”
“Or just…never mind.” I shook my head, closing my book and putting it down. “I almost forgot that it was just a compromise…” I rubbed my temple bitterly.
“In any case, Dria isn’t a fan of company.” Celestia spoke up. “I doubt she’ll be happy to see you. Or anyone really.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to work a miracle.” I said honestly. “Oh, also, I forgot! SCP exist! Oh god why did my mind skip that?” I shook my head, remembering that the SCP foundation is just full of magical and scientific bullshit.
“There is no way the Foundation is letting you use any of the SCP’s.” Wallflower said from her corner where she was surrounded by manga and an MP3 player with earbuds in… somehow…
“Oh I know that, I was just bringing up another thing that shows the ‘it doesn’t exist’ bit might be a lie.” I said honestly. “Cause the SCP’s are nonsense.”
“SCP’s are largely either anomalies in reality or don’t belong in this or rather, back home, at all. You can’t seriously compare the two… scratch that, you are and you’re gonna stick to it out of desperation…”
“Desperation or not, my point still stands.” I said honestly. “Anyways, that’s enough arguing for one day, I have things to do…in an ever growing list of things to do…”
“Does that to do list include us! I’m about a week away from grabbing Aria and a strap on!” Sunset huffed.
“Excuse me!?” Aria screeched.
“Why didn’t you ask?” I asked, which made everyone look at me. “What? You all look like asking me to plow the fields is weird.”
“Normally you’re shoving your head into whatever new nonsense to help solve this worlds problems we never…asked…” Adagio said carefully. “When in reality you should be shoving your head between our thighs.”
“Well, this is Dria’s cabin.” Celestia said. Before me built partly into the coastal hill was a log cabin, made all by hand, it seemed with hand carved furniture and such outside in the front yard. It looked very nice.
“Place looks honestly really pretty in a humble fisherman's house.” I said honestly.
“Dria picked up many skills over the years. Well, good luck.”
“All the luck hopefully…” I sighed.
I walked up the hill and to the door. I gave it a knock…
The ground dropped under me. A trap door sending me into a pit where a net caught me, wrapped around me then pulled me through the air, through a dirt tunnel up and into the cabin from a hole in what looked like a small cabinet. Sitting in a chair in front of me was a pink and rose red griffiness who was looking at me with a raised brow.
“So, what dumb ass reason do you have to come to my house?” She asked me with annoyance dripping in her tone.
“Nice to meet you too.” I said. “I’m here to talk about the weird problem with birth rates going on.” I said while struggling to get out of the net.
“Ugh. Another one of you guys.” She groaned, standing up and… picking up a dagger that she poked into my muzzle. “Listen little pony. I don’t give two shits about your issues. Go kindly fuck off and get off my property.” She huffed, cutting me down and throwing me into the wall across the room.
“Not until you give me an explanation on why.” I said, getting back up with a frown. “What is your problem and why are you so pissed?”
“I’m not the problem, you mortals are.” She growled. “Always ‘bless my pregnancy’, ‘Help our village grow’, ‘bless our harvest to boon’, ‘goddess I offer my eternal servitude to you’. It’s all nothing but endless begging. When it’s not that it’s nothing but a bunch of perverts thinking I condone their orgy’s and sex addictions!”
“Or maybe it’s just…ya know, asking?” I suggested. “They asked you to bless something important to them, help the people actually live through good harvests, one of those was literally someone asking to help you do your job…the rest is for you to go which kinks are good and which aren’t cause I’m terrified Celestia has a secret BDSM dungeon where she subjugates a literal lust demon to her perverted ways.” I said nervously.
“Okay, so I’m going to ask you to try and keep those two brain cells you have working while I explain something mortal. I am the Goddess of Fertility. My blessings do not ensure a child is born healthy, they ensure a child is conceived. They do not determine the gender of said child. My blessings can make sure a harvest has more growing, but that takes a heavier toll on the lands leading to up to five years of weaker harvests. And again… I am the Goddess of Fertility. Not love, not kinks, not SEX! I don’t even care about sex or romance or any of that bullshit, but every mortal hears ‘Fertility Goddess’ and think I’m some sex crazed whore! So now that I hope that was hammered into your short lived brain, kindly get the fuck out of my cabin and if I see you again, I’m taking your ears off your head.”
“And all I’m asking of you is to help people conceive males.” I frowned. “I don’t think you’re some sex crazed whore, I see you’re just tired and angry for being mistaken for a sex goddess, all I need your help with is for you to do your job.”
“Mother fucker I just told you, my powers do not affect the gender the child will come out as! I can only ensure a child is conceived!”
“Then why are you even a god?” I asked.
“I don’t fucking know! I woke up here with the other gods fucking forever ago knowing nothing but my name and what god I was, that’s it. Not my fault no matter how many times I tell mortals they all think I’m the answer to their problems just because I am a god. Well guess what, I’m not. So please fuck off and leave me alone.”
“Alright, so are you pissed about people ‘begging’ you because you're a Fertility Goddess, because you are a God, or is it because of something else? Because my mild knowledge on mythological god’s and goddess’s is that what people were praying to you for is exactly what Fertility God’s due, which are normally associated with fertility, sex, pregnancy, childbirth and crops.”
“...You have three seconds before I kill you to get out.” She said, raising her dagger.
Suddenly, chains erupted from the ground and wrapped around her, dark energy seemed to emanate from the chains as the Fertility Goddess struggled to feel her power. “Shadow Spell, simple, but very effective.” I said, staring into her eyes. “So, answer my question.”
“Ha! Or what? Imprison me? Bitch I’ll enjoy the isolation? Kill me, if you can that’s doing me a favor.” She smirked. “I’ve hated existing since Mortals evolved from their mindless ancestors and began to speak and build. Either way, I’ll be happy.”
I rubbed my temples. “All I ask for is one simple thing…a simple conversation with someone that isn’t a complete fucking psychopath…” I grumbled. “And no, I won’t torture or imprison you…I just want to understand, something that people clearly have a hard time doing half the time in this world.”
“Then understand that I just want to be alone. The only one not understanding that is YOU. You and every other fucking mortal on this planet!”
“Yes, yes I know, you’re upset, but I want to know why.” I said. “Being a God probably sucks, I get that, but what caused your insistent need to be alone? Because unlike you, I’m asking you as a fucking person.”
“Gee, I dunno, maybe it’s because Mortals always thinking I can do more than I actually can! Maybe it’s all the sex cults that get started in my name that I have nothing to do with! Maybe it’s the fact so many horny fuckwads think I’m down to bang when I don’t want anything to do with sex or romance or any of those kinds of relationships! Or maybe it’s because every time I let anyone get close to me, mortal or god, they just want to use me!”
I clapped my hooves together, which made her flinch after her tangent. “Thank you! Was it that hard to answer my simple question, that I asked you as a simple person?” I asked. “I don’t know how God’s work in this world cause I’m not from this world two times over. But thank you for telling me why you’re upset, thank you for telling me that your specific brand of Fertility is Pregnancy and Crops, and I’m sorry that your past relationships have only either been or looked like they wanted to use your powers or just use your beauty for personal or sexual gain.” I said, which when I noticed her eyes flicker a bit I really hoped she knew that what I said was the truth and not some spark of rage.
“Just… get out of here. You got what you wanted and like I said, I’m useless.”
“None of that.” I said quickly. “And I’ll be back either tomorrow or a couple days cause I am currently busy trying to…” I blinked. “Wait, hold on a second, why weren’t you carded?” I asked, now just realizing this weird little fact cause I wasn’t sure if her cabin was in range of Canterlot or Ponyville.
“What? Oh you mean those things that the rest of the world is trapped in? I broke out.” She said, She then broke the shadow chains by opening her wings. She stood up and brushed herself off. “So I’m gonna say this one last time. Get out of my house. If you do come back, I will kill you.”
“Right, so tomorrow maybe around five-ish, you can teach me how to fish since I’ve never actually gone fishing before.” I said honestly, not caring about the death threat as it looked more like…she was just alone and hurt, and I’ll be damned if I won’t help her.
Dria took a deep breath. “So would you prefer being stabbed or shot with a crossbow?”
“Would you prefer I bring my own fishing pole or do you have a spare?” I asked. “Cause you threatening to murder me isn’t going to stop me from trying to at least be a friends with you, cause you are not the ‘I’m happy to be a hermit’ kind of alone…you’re in pain, and scared that someone will come in and hurt you again, and I’m here to show that you can trust me.” I told them simply. “I don’t know if Gods can see into souls or be some magic lie detector, but I hope you can see I am telling the truth.”
Everything suddenly went black…
I woke up with a gasp in Canterlot… What the?
“Congratulations, you died!” Sunset said, popping up next to me. “And now you’re back! How was the afterlife?”
“No idea, blacked out and came right back and I have no idea how or why.” I said.
“Dria shot you with a crossbow.” Celestia said, sitting on the other side of the bed next to me. “She then tossed your corpse into the ocean where I picked you up and brought you back here for revival.”
“Wow, throwing me into the ocean? I’m making progress.” I joked.
“You’re actually going back?” Sunset asked. “Celestia, I think Mike finally broke.”
“Or, I just want to help someone that’s in pain.” I answered. “She is a Fertility Goddess of pregnancy and crops, but everyone thinks she embodies every part of it…”
“I’m aware.” Celestia sighed. “As far as gods go, she covers very little, but she does have an unnatural reserve of magical and divine energy. When mortals finally began to appear across the world, at first she enjoyed the company and helped them eagerly, but it also became clear they wanted far more than she could give them.”
“She…also told me that she believes she’s useless, that whenever someone gets close to her, it’s only to use her…” I sighed. “She’s in pain, and self exiling herself isn’t the solution.”
“It was my idea for her to do so.” Celestia admitted bitterly.
“Was it because you gave up like Sunset and Pure?” I asked carefully.
“... Three thousand years ago, Dria was largely keeping in isolation herself already. High in the mountains where few dared make the journey to ask her for blessings. One day, a pegasus made his way up there and reluctantly, she gave him shelter. The high winds, cold and regular snowstorms made the weather lethal to mortals. Months passed. Over time, she warmed up to the pegasus. He became her first real friend. Eventually though, he returned to the mortals below. Some years later, he returned, gifting her items he knew she’d love. She was happy to have her friend back… but he returned with an ulterior motive… Gods normally are immune to alcohol unless it is brewed with special grapes found only in the dragon lands. Once she was drunk… he took her down the mountain, where she was chained and imprisoned with ancient runes the god of chaos Discord gave them. She was forced for years to endure lashings for not being able to grant their demanded blessings.”
“Back on Earth, stupid religious people murdered each other because they believed in some corrupt douche bags interpretation of some mystical magic man that probably didn’t exist…who the fuck just grabs a literal God, date rapes them, drags them down and tortures them!?” I asked in honest horror.
“... It’s almost funny you say that. ‘Date rape’.” Celestia sighed. “Almost ten years to the day, her former friend, after years of anger at her inability to grant the blessings of the people, did force himself on her. She laid a single egg. That egg was sold across many black markets, and when it arrived in my kingdom I knew immediately it was hers. It was saturated in her divine signature. I incinerated that kingdom and all who called it home. Even the children and infants. Dria could barely hold herself together. She despised everyone, mortals especially and wanted nothing to do with the egg she was forced to lay. I took her to a place isolated and made traveling there without authority a crime, and let her kill any that trespassed onto it. Her egg hatched, becoming a Demi-goddess of Love. My niece Cadence.”
“O-oh…” I muttered. “Okay…I must be missing something here…what the fuck…is there like…some major malfunction I’m not understanding here? I thought it was bad back on Earth with the insanity, but…” I motioned helplessly to this current explanation and pretty much a lot of what I’ve been explaining over the last month I’ve been here.
“Gods here are all powerful, but we are still flesh and blood Mike. Under the right conditions we too can become vulnerable and at the mercy of another.”
“All powerful my ass!” I said which caught Celestia by surprise. “Do you even know what ‘all powerful’ means? All powerful most assuredly doesn’t explain this shit! If you believe you're ‘all powerful’, then you wouldn’t be vulnerable to jackshit, you’d be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want and not a single being can do a thing against you. Zeus wasn’t all powerful when he fought against Typhon and literally had every single muscle fiber ripped out of him, Ra wasn’t all powerful when people stopped worshiping him and lost his power so he literally created a lioness god of war from his own eye…” I shook my head. “You’re not ‘all powerful’, you’re stuck in some quasi mortal state with flaws just like the rest of us.” I explained bluntly.
“Things are different here Mike…” Sunset said nervously.
“That’s true, but when there’s literally God as an SCP, the Abrahamic God, that is All Powerful, the only times thing’s are outside his control is when things are literally outside his reality. So tell me, oh Goddess of the Sun, the woman I truly love even past this nonsense with the ‘heroes reward’,” When I said that her features softened a tad, which I was glad she still believed I did love her. “Tell me, what is ‘all powerful’ to you?”
“Will you stop comparing everything to the SCP’s. You’re sounding nuttier than a new intern.” I turned and saw Wallflower was also here… stealing the lollipop jar? Wait, the foundation has Interns?!
“I am giving a fair comparison between what they think is ‘All Mighty’ to something that is All Mighty. Cause remember, I’m literally talking to a god here from a different dimension.” I frowned. “And the Foundation has interns?”
“Yeah. My mom goes through nine a week. Well, that was until Dave showed up… he’s been here for three months and somehow hasn’t died, gone insane or committed suicide. We’re wondering if they might be an SCP at this rate…”
“Well…he sounds like fun.” I said honestly. “But anyways, Tia, what is your definition of ‘all powerful’? Cause I can compare you to anomalies because, technically, we are in an anomaly.”
“Well, that’s hard to say Mike.” Celestia said. “I can move the sun. But that’s a natural part of me, taking no real force or show of power.”
“You can get atomized and come back to life.” Sunset added.
“Well yes but so can all the other gods.”
“Yes, yes, you’re in the same group as Ra, the Egyptian god of the Sun, or Helios and or Apollo, Greek gods of the sun…”
“You know Ra? Oh how has he been? I haven't seen him in three thousand years.”
I put my face in my hooves. “Because of course the pantheon’s exist…” I groaned.
“He’s doing great in an SCP cell.” Wallflower said as she began eating the lollipops. “He’s become addicted to mountain dew however. I blame all the call of duty he’s been playing.”
“Listen, all I know about it is that Mythology used to be the ‘religion’ of ancient times, then apparently the Deities decided to fuck off to god know’s where because of either they lost the faith or they just got bored and wanted to do something else at this point, I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I know a lot of stories about it which…might possibly be bad retellings at this point…we’re getting off track here.”
“Very much so.” Celestia nodded. “Mike, I know you only have good intentions, but what has happened to Dria are wounds that while her body kept the scars from remaining, haunt her memories endlessly. It would be better to respect her wishes.”
“So just give up, let her believe she’s alone, useless, and not a single person is capable of treating her like an actual decent person…” I shook my head. “Fine, whatever, can’t wait to see what other nonsense that’s played off as ‘it is what it is’...”
Celestia sighed. “I know you want to help Milke, but Dria will never accept your help. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
“Why in fucks name are you back?” Dria asked. I was outside her front door, a crossbow bolt firmly in my bleeding front arm… leg? Ouch…
“It’s the next day, it’s five-ish, like I promised.” I answered.
“Do you like being dead?” She asked as she was reloading her crossbow.
“No, but you need help.” I answered. “And Celestia told me everything…and I’m not going to just let ‘it is what it is’ dictate what goes on anymore.” I frowned.
“Right… so what makes you think you’re just so special?”
“Well, I’ve already caused one Miracle that Celestia gave the ‘heroes reward’ to.” I answered. “Cause nothing like seeing two sisters, both that I love, literally beat each other to bloody pulps to outright murdering each other and having them realize their murderous rampage against each other was only hurting those around them.” I explained. “And they claim I was having a ‘mental breakdown’ because of their bullshit when…ya know, that’s not normal, it shouldn’t be normal, and I have no fucking idea why people think it is normal.”
“Right…” She said, rolling her eyes. “Welp, say hi to Death for me.” She said as she raised her crossbow back up to me.
I frowned, seeing her try to pull the trigger on the crossbow…and the crossbow not firing at me. “Stop Attack, cause I’m not here to die again, I’m here to talk, cause you need help…I want to help you, not for some ‘use’ or for what other bullshit, I want to help you because it’s the right thing to do, and I also learned that Divinity in this world is nonsense.”
She tossed her crossbow and pulled out her dagger again and walked up to me. “And I don’t trust the words of Mortals.” She said, putting it up to my neck. “Or gods.”
“I’ll be back tomorrow, but I have to ask…if you are a god…why do you need a knife to kill me?” I asked.
”It’s quicker than using my talons.”
I felt the blade cut across my neck…
“This guy again?” I heard someone say.
“Twice in two days. Not a record but uncommon.” A different voice said.
I opened my eyes and… where in the name of fuck?
Standing before me where what I could only describe as… angels, the bodies depicted in artworks and modern media, but the heads were shaped like the biblically accurate ones. Meanwhile I was human again, and standing in some knee deep water wearing all white pants and shirt. Huh…
“Ah…sweet hands…” I sighed, stretching and flexing my hands and fingers. “But hi there…” I said slowly to the angels.
“Yeah hey, congratulations, you died. Again.” The one to my right said. “You aren’t meant to die yet so sooner or later Celestia will probably have you revived so just wait around here don’t touch anything.”
“So hey, mind if I ask how divinity works in Equis? Cause so far I’m seeing that…they're just strong people.” I said honestly.
“Not our department.” The angel on my left said.
“Then who can I talk to about it?” I inquired.
“Unless you plan on staying dead, no one.”
I groaned. “Alright, so can I ask why Equis is showing off more and more of ‘it is what it is’ and not bothering to do anything productive?”
“This coming from the human whose home world at current pace is gonna be dead in two hundred years?” The angel to my right said with… I feel like they’re frowning but I can’t tell cause neither of them have a mouth…
“Excuse me?” I asked worriedly. “Like…the Earth I was pulled from or…Equis and it’s human version world?”
“The earth you dumb bitch.”
Why is everyone celestial so mean?!
“And both of you don’t need to be a cunt, I’m just asking basic questions here.”
“We do that for mortals all day, every day, for the past seven million years. This is our version of customer service! Difference being we get to insult the souls instead of just taking it and dying inside.”
“Pardon her, she’s just sleep deprived.” The left angel said.
“We don’t need to sleep!”
“You should instead be playing Resident Evil 7 all night…”
“Madhouse difficulty can kiss my ass I will beat it!”
“Right…” I said carefully. “So grouchy cause of difficulty…I get that.” I nodded in understanding. “So this is the first time I’m actually…conscious here…” I said slowly, looking around the place.
“Yeah, last time you weren’t dead long enough for your soul to arrive here.” Left angel said.
“Well you poked your head out of the water but you were dragged back to the land of the living pretty much instantly.” Right angel said.
“Alright.” I nodded. “So this either means Dria is keeping my body hostage or something else happened.” I said honestly. “But yeah…I asked before about Divinity working on Equis cause…if they are ‘all powerful’ like Celestia suggests, why does Dria need a weapon to kill me?”
“I believe she said it best when she said her godhood only affects the amount of plants grown in the soul and the chance of conceiving a child. She literally doesn’t have the power to kill people. Thankfully weapons exist.”
“I’m not talking about that.” I said, which made them both give me a look. “Divinity doesn’t just mean your divine portfolio, it means you’re also extremely strong through physical and magical capabilities…Celestia even said Dria has unnatural amount of mana and divine energy, yet instead of flexing her power through other means, like say blasting me with energy, she needs a knife or a crossbow…so what the hell?” I asked, trying to understand what makes ‘divine beings’ in this world.
“Maybe she just likes them.” Left said with a shrug. “Why use magic when has gun.”
"There's just a lot I'm not understanding…oh, also you'll be seeing less of Sunset and Pureblood, finally got them to see some form of reason."
“Awh… I liked those two.” Right huffed. “Great, the only two cool mortals I got to see semi regularly here and now they’re not gonna show up. Thanks alot Mr. kill joy.”
"Yes, I know, death is meaningless, people can just murder each other for funsies, God's are just regular people who also get tortured and raped because they aren't omnipotent, and me being the only fucking sane person here is magically a bad thing, what a fucking travesty."
“Who the fuck said gods are omnipresent?”
"No, omnipotent, those are two completely different things." I corrected. "And Celestia did when she said that the gods on Equis are 'all powerful', ya know, the thing that omnipotent means."
“Look, it’s like this. Gods in different realities oftentimes follow different rules. These however can be anything from freedoms of power to limitations. In this Equis’s case, they’re limitations. Gods can only do what their divine portfolio's allow and are limited in the magical potential of their species. So despite Dria’s high magic and divine energy, she can’t use all of it.”
"Thank you, now I understand, Celestia is full of shit and explains more on how she could be drugged or chained up when beings above and stronger than gods couldn't card Dria…which doesn't make any sense cause Celestia was also carded…and then the only other god I've met was Luna who is fuzed with a Pattern Screamer…"
“Well duh dumb ass, Dria has more divine energy and magic than Celestia. She’s the weakest god because she’s unable to use her reserves, but should she be able to she’d immediately become the most powerful.”
"And what would happen if I break the rules and let her freely use all her power?"
“You’d either shatter reality and suck all that universe into a singularity where it will again combust and create a new universe killing the old all while birthing a new. Or maybe she’ll just have some more magic freedoms. These things can be tricky.”
“Cause of course thing’s can’t be simple…” I grumbled.
“You’re dealing with Gods and divinity the fuck did you expect?”
“I expected at least something to be simple or at least not annoying as sin when dealing with a lot of the crap I’m dealing with right now.”
“Ha, oh right I forget you mortals still think Sins are important or some crap.”
I took a deep breath. “So…how long do you think I’ll be here for?”
“Dunno. They tossed you back into the ocean like last time but this time your body floated out to the coast for a while so… however long it takes for Celestia to realized you left back to Dria’s place. If she doesn’t find your body within two days then guess what? You get to stay here and move on.”
…Oh crap…
“Cause…of course…” I muttered, rubbing my temples angrily. “Why not…cause being a good person is apparently just wrong…”
“Well, when you go about trying to make friends with someone who really doesn’t want to be around people given her trauma… yes.” Left said. “With trauma like her’s, she has to want to interact with people. I mean, dude she was raped and forced to birth her rapist’s child. No one can just get over shit like that no matter how much time passes.”
“Never said or acted like she had to get over it.” I frowned.
“She literally begged you to leave and you responded by chaining her up…”
…
“No, she threatened to murder me.” I frowned. “All because she didn’t want to answer basic goddamn questions, and I was indeed ignorant to what her problem was cause Celestia decided after I died the first time to tell me her story, but I wanted to help her, show her that she can in fact, trust a person again.”
“And after that introduction of a male pony chaining her up and demanding things of her she’s gonna trust you…?” Right said. “Look, yes you didn't know the full story but at this point, you fucked up too bad that no apology can fix.”
… Damn it… I probably did remind her of that monster…
“Right, so don’t bother being a good person.” I answered. “One mistake can ruin everything, sure, when I get back you two can have fun seeing Sunset and Pure again, cause I can clearly see, trying to do a good thing means nothing.”
“It doesn’t mean nothing dumb ass.” Right said, whacking me upside the head. “You just didn’t know everything before jumping in blind. Aren’t you supposed to be a tactician? You didn’t ask, you just assumed. That’s where you fucked up in all of this.”
“I didn’t think I had to ask about something that fucking crucial!” I snapped. “But no! I suppose people just expect you to ask something deep and personal about a person, why shouldn’t Celestia have told me that she was raped before hand when she only made it sound like she just hated her job because of a bunch of insane people, it’s not like I had context through Celestia being shown as a goddess and her telling me she hates the worship.”
“Ugh… you- ah!”
Both Right and Left flinched and stood still suddenly. I turned around and… woah…
Behind me stood a tall, seven foot fully biblically accurate angel being. Well ‘stood’ more like floated… “I shall take this one.” They said. “Someone has requested a meeting with them.”
“Uh, yes boss.” Left said. He then pulled me out of the water and I was now standing on it… woah. Freaky.
“Great, now what?” I frowned, knowing I fucked up and learning that me just helping people outside of being carded was a mistake. “Yes, I fucked up, I admit it, who else want’s to tell me that?”
“The All Maker that created the Equis and it’s human world reflection you call home.”
Oh… Oh I am gonna have words with that mother fucker!
To be continued...