A Pony Walks Into A Bar...

by chief maximus


The Princess

The Princess

Now, this next tale is the reason we have that plaque on the wall behind ya. The one that says 'Official Royal Dive Bar?' Yeah, that was proclaimed by royalty! So let's get started!

Sunday nights are just about the slowest nights of the week. Only your hardcore alcoholics will come in on Sunday. Most ponies don't want to drink if they have work the next morning. Then again, most ponies' words aren't law. We open a bit later than usual, and it's usually an hour or two before we get any customers anyway. We normally do food specials until three to draw in some extra folks. We have a spinach and artichoke dip that will knock your clothes off! If you're wearing them. But, I digress.

We had just opened for business when a royal guard come through the door. But not just any royal guard. A night guard. Now, ordinarily, the guards are not allowed to indulge while in uniform. This guy had an air of pure business about him, so I assumed he wasn't here for a drink.

"Can I help you... sir?"

"Captain Spear," he said, stopping himself from saluting a civilian. Must've been a reflex at this point. "I've come to secure this tavern for Princess Luna."

I could hardly believe my ears! A princess, in my bar? If I'd known, I would have helped the staff clean up!

"Uh... well, you're free to look around," I said, wondering just what I had done to deserve a visit from Princess Luna at my hole-in-the-wall bar. The guard began snooping around, testing the sturdiness of the tables, chairs, and eyeballing my staff. Once he'd made his rounds, he came back to me.

"This place has passed. Her Highness will arrive momentarily." With that, he turned quickly and strode out the door. By now, a few patrons had wandered in—mostly the lunch crowd. After a few minutes, I went back to taking inventory. As I counted the bottles, the bar door slammed open, startling everypony inside.

"Hear ye! All shall bow before the glory of the princess of the night!" one of her night guards bellowed. He then proceeded to blow a trumpet as loudly as possible before a hoof slapped it away from his mouth.

"Shield! What did we tell you about doing that?"

Princess Luna strode past her contingent of guards. She wore decidedly un-royal garb, a blue hooded sweater, sunglasses and a hat with a crescent moon on the front. Unfortunately, her disguise would only fool the blind. I bowed, as did the rest of my staff before she sighed and told us to rise.

"Everywhere we go, this happens!" she complained, sitting at the bar while her guards filed into the building, eyeing everypony with suspicion. The captain from earlier strode beside Luna.

"Your Highness, there are peasants taking up valuable space in this establishment. Shall we have them thrown in the dungeon?"

Luna's expression flattened like the month-old seltzer water I give to anyone ordering a seltzer and water in a bar. "For the final time, Sword, we do not throw ponies in the dungeon anymore! You and the other guards are to sit quietly until We have whet the royal whistle. Now go!"

Hanging his head, he returned to his table and sat quietly, munching on the mixed nuts. "The royal night guards are sometimes a royal pain."

"Well, I don't have much experience in the hardships of being guarded, but I think I might have something to take your edge off." I floated a drink menu toward her as she put her hood down and hooked her sunglasses on the neck of her sweater.

"Barkeep, why is there no mead on this parchment?"

Wow, I guess the rumors were true! It really must be tough having to rejoin society after being isolated from it for a thousand years.

"Well, no one has really ever asked for it, Your Highness."

She glanced up from the menu as if I'd just sworn at her. "No... nopony drinks mead anymore? Why, Starswirl the Bearded could put away an entire keg with dinner!" She slapped the menu down on the bar, attracting the glare of her guards. "So what is it that today's pony enjoys?"

There was no way I could walk her through every advancement in booze technology in the past millennia, so I gambled on picking something for her. "Well, the apple cider is a very popular choice around here. I believe you know the family that makes it."

"Apple cider?" she paused to consider it. It's been said everypony in the kingdom has a favorite princess. Behind closed doors, anyway. While there are a good many still kind of bitter about the whole 'eternal night' thing Princess Luna was involved in a while back, she's been steadily winning over a loyal following. I could see why. It was just hard to stay mad at a pony that seemed so... confused by modern culture. "We shall have your finest flagon."

"Comin' right up." I don't have the slightest idea what the hell a 'flagon' is, but I'm sure is similar to a mug. A perfect pour. It's crazy how good I am at that! But I guess that's expected. I slid the glass toward her, and she caught it in her magic. She examined it closely, squinting over every detail. She brought the rim to her lips and sipped gingerly, savoring the taste and practically chewing it before swallowing. Her eyes brightened, and she took one large gulp, finishing the entire mug in one swig! All sixteen ounces! To this day, I've never seen anything like it.

"Barkeep, your choice in drinks has earned you the favor of your Princess. What is your name?"

"Frosty Mug, Your Highness." I bowed again. It's kind of a habit for us rural types, I guess.

"Frosty, I will have another of your delightfully brewed apple mead."

She drank another eleven pints in the course of forty-five minutes. Not only was she still coherent, but she only showed a slight case of the giggles! I guess alicorns could handle their alcohol better than most ponies. As I continued serving Princess Luna, she eventually lightened up a bit and allowed her guards to enjoy a drink. One thing that's great about royalty frequenting a business, they'll never skip on a tab.

As her guards relaxed and she began work on her twelfth pint, she spotted the boot-shaped glasses I had to break out the night before. I hadn't had time to replace the glass panel that was smashed out to get to them. I know it makes for better dramatics to smash something, but I'm seriously considering just putting them in a cabinet or something.

"Frosty barkeep, why are those boots made of glass?"

"Oh, well, they're usually how arguments are settled in the bar. It's part of a contest—"

"A contest you say?!" She was getting excited now. I would have never pegged her for the competitive type, but when you consider history, I guess it isn't too out there. "We demand to drink our apple mead out of that glass shoe!" she shouted, gesturing toward them and clapping her hooves together.

"Well, you certainly may, Princess, but you'll need an opponent. You can't just drink from das boot without somepony to drink against."

She finished her cider and slid the mug back to me. "Very well. You will drink against me!"

"Oh no, Princess, I couldn't. I can't drink at work." She looked a little dismayed, plus there would be no way I could beat that magic chugging ability she has.

She put a hoof to her chin. "Captain Spear!" she called over her shoulder, summoning the same bat-pony that had given my bar a once-over before letting her in. "As recompense for your sins earlier in the day, you will challenge me to a drinking contest."

At first, I thought he would protest. But he didn't even flinch. I guess it's true what the legends say about the night guard. They'd rather fall on their spears than disappoint their Princess. "I will punish my liver to further your glory, Princess!" He saluted crisply as I slid the boot to him and filled Luna's.

Once they were both ready, a waitress held up both hooves. "When Marga Rita drops her hooves, the contest will begin," I explained. She began the match, and Luna took all of three seconds to down the huge volume of cider. Poor old Spear took at least ten seconds to finish his. She repeated the contest nine more times with three different guards. Only then, after she'd drank more cider than anypony I've ever seen, and killed the keg, did she appear drunk.

"Barkeep, we demand more of this substance!"

"Sorry, Your Highness, you killed the keg."

Her ears fell before she managed to find the drink menu once again. "W-what of these would you suggest for a being whose liver is just as immortal as the rest of her?" Bit of a slur on that one. Good thing she had a team to make sure she got home safely.

"Well, maybe a cosmare?"

"Make it so!" she boomed. You wouldn't think such a voice could come from a mare that... well, she wasn't small, but she sure didn't look like she could have that kind of heft in her tone.

I made her drink, and just like I suspected, she loved it. "Another wonderful choice, Frosty!" She turned to one of her sober guards and used that command voice again. "Lieutenant, fetch me a christening plaque!"

With a salute, the guard began rifling through a bag they'd brought with them, removing a gilded plaque without an inscription and set it before Luna. With a quick blast from her magic, she etched the words 'Official Royal Dive Bar' onto the metal. "I christen this bar... my favorite bar in Ponyville!" Her guards cheered as if on cue, and abruptly stopped, as though they had practiced for the occasion.

The Princess turned back to me as the guard hung the plaque on the wall. "You k-*hic*-know, We have this feeling that we've forgotten to do something..."

She had already paid her tab and tipped every staff member regardless of whether they served her or not. I couldn't think of what it could have been, until I looked outside. By my count, it had been sunset for the better part of three hours, as it was now nine in the evening.

"Uh, Princess, I think maybe Princess Celestia may be waiting on you to bring on the nighttime." The look on her face was priceless, I gotta admit.

"In the name of Epona! Captain Spear!" She was not happy. The still drunk captain staggered to his hooves and tried to salute, but ended up bopping himself on the nose.

"Y-yes, my Princess?"

"How couldst thou let me forget about my singular job?!"

It took him a few seconds, but he managed to reply. "My infinite apologies... princess..." he took a few breaths and belched impressively. "But you were having such a good time, none of us wanted to interrupt—" By this syllable, he had lunged towards a waiting trashcan, and the I think the next word was a mix of 'you' and the sound someone makes when they're puking. Thankfully, he got it all in the trashcan.

Luna sighed, removing herself from the bar and heading towards the door. The guards that were able followed, while the others were helped along. "Thank you for your hospitality, kind barkeep Frosty. It will not be forgotten the next time We are in town!" She shook out her mane, set the hood back atop her head, and put her shades back on. I could have sworn I heard the words 'Okay, Luna, just like we practiced. Time to fly sober!' before she took off, but I wouldn't want to start rumors, especially not about a princess!

Well, that was it! It's last call pal, so unfortunately I'm gonna have ta ask you ta finish that drink and be on your way. I don't care where ya go, but you can't stay here. Till next time!