Today was not looking like a good day, to say the very least.
First he got chased down by a giant raging bear covered in stars, then he nearly got blown to bits by his arch rival, and finally he got hit on the head with a coconut. The large knot forming under his hat was a constant reminder that Karma was indeed, a solid bi-
Wait, hold that thought. Black's nose caught onto a unique scent, one unfamiliar to him. The strange smell had an alluring essence, as it drew Black along the trail, following intensely and sniffing the air before parting some bushes to see a small shack, with an open window being the source of the sensation he sniffed. Black quickly ducked down to the ground all sneaky style as he slowly creeped towards the window before slowly popping his head up to see it was emitting from a cauldron of sorts, a green liquid seen inside.
Seeing as he basically had nothing better to do, he stuck his finger in the pot, swirling it around before taking it out and sticking it in his mouth. Alright, a hint of blueberry, some raspberries in there, lemons for some reason, apples, and coconuts. Definitely a strange mix of fruits, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. And so Black stuck his head inside of the pot, slurping half of it up as he let out a sigh of satisfaction. That would definitely hold him over for a day or two. Now then, back to fufilling his current primary goal, getting his own evil lair- Err, hideout set up.
This hut wouldn't do, as somebody already no doubt lived in it, and in order to ensure he was not caught by said homeowner, Black spy quickly made like the trees around him and left. That one cave he found wouldn't work, on account of the giant man-eating cosmic Polaris bear. But maybe a smaller cave would work... As Black walked throught the shrubbery and bushes, his foot was caught on a root as he tripped and fell forward into a very, very, veeeeery deep hole. Descending downwards in free fall Undertale style, Black eventually landed face first onto solid rock, before getting up and dusting himself up. The light coming from the surface was surprisingly dim, and barely illuminated his surroundings, so he decided to pull out a rusty trusty headlamp, strapping it to his hat and switching it on as he surveyed the area around him.
And slowly it began to click how lucky he was to have fallen down here. From what he saw, this cavern was rather large and spacious, complete with a tall ceiling and plenty of room. Plus, a small little spring was in the corner, so free clean water. Black Spy could already picture it now... The explosive ordinance factory would go over there, the robot workshop would go right there, the plasma generator would be somewhere in that area... No no no, he was getting too ahead of himself, he had to start simple.
Step one of making a evil hideout, is to make it a home.
Reaching into his pockets, the Black spy pulled out a toolbox, an industrial welder, several pieces of home depot wood, steel beams, and ikea furniture pieces, before finally pulling out a hammer and getting to work. For those asking how he managed to fit all this in his pockets, you're asking the wrong dude. Wait, no, I'm the narrator, you are supposed to ask me. Uhhhh... Pocket dimension, no other explanation cause that's the best I got and you ain't getting anything else. Okay, that sounded rude, anyways let's move on before the forth wall ceases to exist and this story becomes more self aware than the amazing world of Gumball.
...
Dang it, it already is! Quick, do a time skip while I repair the forth wall!
Black spy hammered in the last nail into the wooden board as he wiped the sweat off his brow and stepped back to review his handywork. Steel support beams ran up to the ceiling, holding it up while holding industrial lamps and fans as well as holding up wooden beams which stretched across the cavern. And this was just the safety measures to stop any cave-ins, while also keeping it well lit and temperature regulated. He had built himself a kitchen in a corner, as well as a laboratory and the most important of the lair, the workshop.
With many tools, machines, and equipment, the workshop was equipped to construct basically anything. At the larger end of the cave sat a big ol super computer and several other beeping techno gadgets and gizmoes. All of the machinery and technology was powered by an industrial-grade generator located in a smaller cave directly under the main hideout, accessible by a secure door to ensure maximum security. Within her personal quarters, he had a small bed to snooze in and dream up evil vile ideas. How did he get the resources to build all this? Well, it just so happened that he had remembered to bring his portable Evil-Lair Item Printer 2000™, and was able to spam out everything he needed. Of course, the printer crapped out from printing so much, so now he had to rely on what he had, which wouldn't be that hard.
The cave was looking quite nice and homey, and now was currently the time for Black to begin planning his ultimate revenge. And this time, not on White spy, but those ponies that had wronged him back at the castle...
Especially the pink one.
Black rushed over to the drawing board in the workshop, lowering the lamp over it as he pulled out a pencil and began drawing sketches of his newest weapon of mass destruction, snickering to himself as he did so. Soon the diagram was drawn, as swiveled in his chair and stood up, before a welder and welding mask as he lowered it and got to work. The machine came together slowly but surely, as metal plates were melded together, steel bolts screwed into place, and iron parts hammered into the correct shape, all of it fitting together like a big puzzle piece. And as Black stepped back from his newly finished war machine and marveled at it's design.
The glorious Steam-Tank, complete with treads for mobility and a steam powered machine gun and cannon, capable of blowing anything it hits to kingdom come. The hatch of the tank opened with a hiss as Black placed goggles over his eyes and climbed inside, the engine starting as the tank slowly crawled forward into the center of the cave, before a metal platform sensed the weight and rose upwards as an elevator to the surface, lifting the tank up through the hole in the cave ceiling and stopp as it drove off the platform. The elevator lowered again before the hole was sealed by a metal blast door, and the tank drove onto the path and through the forest, slowly picking up speed as the speedometer read thirty miles per hour.
The ground rumbled with the passing of the massive mechanized machine, the earth itself trmbiling at the might of glorious German- I mean Spy engineering! Within the path of the tank stood one of those perfidious wooden canines, however it would not obscure Black's path for long. Black snicked to himself as he reached for a lever to his right and pulled it, as his steering wheel shifted into a joystick and the viewing port changed to show the machine gun as Black gripped the stick and turned it towards the wolf, who was now looking much less brave than before. With the press of a button, a hail of bullets rapidly fired from the MG, gunning down the beast and filling it with lead as it broke apart into tiny wooden sticks. With the obstacle removed, Black shifted the vehicle back into drive mode and continued forward.
Soon, the tiny town of Ponyville was in sight, with Black gazing out of his tanks view port with malicious intent and snickering to himself, scanning for any potential targets. He saw the boutique building, home to that one fashionista, definitely a viable threat to destroy. There was a large tree house which doubled as a library, and considering how that one purple pony had lots of knowledge in her brain, that was probably her tree house, and thus another dwelling added to the hit list. Finally, there was a large building in the shape of a large confectionery. It seemed practically obvious which of his equine rivals inhabitated his building, as he grinned a maniacal grin.
Target locked.
The venting of steam and clanking of gears was heard as the heavy machine slowly rolled along the ground, it's treads slowly pulling it forward as it left distinct tracks. The distinct sound of a shell being loaded into the main cannon was heard, along with the connection of a belt of bullets into the machine gun. The cannon slowly adjusted it's aim, slightly lowering before locking onto the large confectionary shaped building.
Time to recreate the literal form of the word 'Sugar-Bomb'.
Of course, he would have, if the side of his tank hadn't been struck by a sudden missile blast, rocking the tank and causing Black to fall over in his seat disoriented. He quickly shook his head and opened the hatch, clambering out to view the damage and find what had shot at him. The damage itself wasn't bad, but the source of it made his blood boil as the distinct sound of rapidly rotating blades was heard paired with the hissing of more steam as White spy snickered from the cockpit of his steam dual-rotored Helicopter, it's three remaining missiles attempting to lock onto Black as he yelled and quickly climbed back inside the tank, sealing the hatch as he took evasive maneuveurs.
The tank swerved and its engine groaned as it quickly rolled out of the way of another incoming missile, the explosion detonating right behind the tank and rattling its armor. Black switched gears and aimed the main cannon, firing a shot towards the copter only for it to swerve out of the way, letting the stray shot fly through the air before landing and blowing a poor ponies to smithereens right as he was returning from work.
"Ah man I just finished paying my mortgage!"
Switching to his machine gun, Black swerved his turret to try and zero in on the evasive airborne threat, finally getting good tone as he fired a quick succession of gunifre, pinging off of the copters armor until one lucky bullet struck an unlaunched missile, causing it to explode and blow the copters back rotor off. White screamed while his vehicle rapidly lost stability and began spinning out of control. Black snickered to himself and relished in his victory, before he realized the copter was spinning towards him.
Well cra-
Boom!
Both vehicles were left as scorched and ruined smoldering wrecks, as Black slowly opened the hatch and slinked his way out, falling to the ground with a cough. He looked to see his opponent had not survived the crash, so he claimed victory. At least until he succumbed to internal bleeding.
All the while Pinkie Pie and her friends watched from Sugarcube Corner as Twilight was busy rapidly writing a new letter.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Alright, so I know I'm gonna sound crazy, but...
Next time, on Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Equestria!
The music slowly approached the climax with everyone on the dance floor vibing to the beat and enjoying themselves gleefully, dancing elegantly and gracefully with their glorious dresses glistening in the light. The disco ball above spun and shimmered, as the two gentleman Spys in their disguises snickered to themselves, nodding to each other before each pulling out their own remote, and pressing big red buttons.
Time to take this fashion show to the next level of 'sparkly'.