//------------------------------// // Chapter 9: Groceries // Story: Honorary Crusader // by Aklinstar //------------------------------// “Stop it, Discord. You’re not playing fair,” Twilight said adamantly, ignoring her friends who were arguing behind her. Discord gave her a look of mock shock whilst placing his paw upon his chest. “I’m not playing fair? Perhaps we haven’t met. I’m Discord, spirit of chaos and disharmony?” He got in her face. “Hello?~” he drawled in a sing-song voice. He quickly found himself back on his couch, finding a sudden interest in filing his claws. “How are we supposed to find the Elements of Harmony when you took away the labyrinth before we could get to the end?” Twilight asked, exasperated and starting to find it very difficult to ignore the increase in volume behind her. “That’s MY sister. Unhoof her this instant you ruffian!” screamed a voice. Discord stretched out and gave a content sigh; his legs crossing over the edge of the couch. A bag of popcorn appeared by his side. He let out an ooo sound, as if surprised as he reached in to grab a handful of it. Twilight’s eyes twitched, her frustration increasingly mounting at an exponential rate as not only did the fussing voices really irk her but now Discord didn’t even seem to notice or care for her being there anymore and had simply took in her question as if it had been rhetorical, that is if he heard it. “It’s Applebloom, see!?” Applejack bellowed, her voice wavering as she placed the torn pink bow on the top of the boulder. It quickly tumbled off into the mud. Twilight grit her teeth as Discord continued to peer around her at the scene unfolding, his face contorting as he found it more and more difficult to contain in his laughter. In a flash of light Twilight reappeared in front of him, causing him to jerk back in surprise and to spill his bag of popcorn, the bouncing kernels finding their way into the crevasses of the couch. Discord let out a groan as his body deflated onto the couch, covering it from most angles. “Look at what you made me do! It’ll take ages to get those out…” he tutted, re-inflating as if he were made of air before settling with crossed arms, leering down at the purple mare before him. “Discord, you cheated! And not only that…” she turned back to her friends who were now pushing one another away from the boulder whenever one dared get close to it. “You clearly did something to my friends!” Turning back, she caught him mid-yawn, causing her to stomp a hoof. “What's the point of a game if only one party can win it!?” she screamed, her two rows of teeth rubbing together like a match about to ignite. That got his attention. Discord gave the front and back of his claws a look over. “Hmm, you know… I never once mentioned the elements being inside the labyrinth, funny enough,” he commented, smirking at the look of disbelief on Twilight’s face. They were engulfed in a flash of blinding white light and found themselves standing back in the Canterlot Tower. Twists and turns are my master plan. Then find the Elements back where you began. Discord’s grin widened as he took note of the realization that was plastered on Twilight’s face. The white light took over them once more and they were right back where they had started. Twilight’s mouth twitched as she tried to form words. She suddenly felt nauseous. “But, but—” “Keep trying, Twilight Sparkle.” Discord walked away, giving her a shrug before turning back to face her. “Maybe the magic of friendship can help you,” he mocked, emphasizing friendship with a shake of his claw and paw near his head. He gave her a bored look as he prepared to snap his claw before stopping, wanting to get one last jab in. “Oh, and just one more thing? You might want to deal with that sooner rather than later.” He motioned his paw with a swivel to the group behind her. Giant neon signs pointing to them from all angles; the two in question finding themselves at each other’s throats. “Or don’t,” he shrugged. “Now, if you’ll excuse me; there’s plenty of chaos to be had. Have fun~!” He laughed with a wheeze, snapping his claw and disappearing. A large group of pink clouds formed overhead. Chocolate rain poured rapidly, drenching them all within seconds. Twilight gave her friends one good look and groaned as they continued to fight and trip over one another in the slippery mud and chocolate combo. Discord stretched before collapsing into his throne with a content sigh. It was good to be back. He had to admit that although everything was going just about as he had expected, it was too… easy? Perhaps… Predictable? Certainly seemed that way. At this rate there’d be no challenge left for him, especially if Twilight gave up soon, which he suspected she would. It was funny, even if she did manage to find the elements—which she would—she wouldn’t be able to use them. Not without that hotheaded betrayer and certainly not while they all represented the opposites of their respective Elements. If she were smart, she’d skip town and leave whilst she had the chance. It would hurt his feelings—if he had any of course—as who would want to miss THIS!? He snapped his claw. More cotton candy clouds formed. Thunderstorms brewed delicious chocolate rain above, ready to be enjoyed by all from down below. Nearby animals grew extra appendages that gave them flight, allowed them to burrow or allowed them to traverse at faster or slower speeds. Sometimes all at once! Trees jutted from the ground all around; sporting varying bark, branch, leaf colors and shapes. Fruits morphed continuously, changing into something else in intervals, sometimes tasting how they looked and sometimes not. He even generously turned the slow, boring ol’ dirt road into a fun slip and slide soapy sidewalk!  They should all be thanking him! But were they? Noooooo. They had to go scream and run away and be scared. Bah! They were all so dreadfully boring and predictable… He blinked. Well, most of them were… he thought, stroking his goatee. He squinted as he tried to remember how the certain Trio De Dangers looked but struggled. He squinted harder, gritting his teeth as he attempted to visualize them. A flash occurred; his eyes widened in surprise. What he was met with was an orange chicken, a narwhal with pink hair and a giant and quickly tumbling away destructive yellow apple. A scream followed as a resident’s home suddenly found itself invaded by a surplus of apple sauce.  Discord tapped his indexes together. It was perhaps time to jog his memory. After all an apple a day would keep his memory from committing hearsay as they say, or however it went... Hmm, an apple… Apple… Ponies tended to eat those, did they not? Food, was it? But, bleh. Apples were so boring… But what else did they tend to eat? Grass? Gross. Hay? Hay-about, no. Discord reached the end of his rope, blanking out as he honestly had no idea what ponies ate, which suddenly intrigued him greatly. “Oh, I believe it’s time to do a little… shopping,” Discord said with a grin before disappearing in a flash. Peanut Crunch sighed as he moped the floor. It was the third time that day where somepony’s child dropped a jar of pickles. Third. It was only midafternoon too. He grumbled as he put the mop aside to start sweeping underneath the shelves, as to collect any shards of glass. A tap on his back startled him, causing him to bang his head on the way out. He winced both at the sudden sharp pain he felt as well as hearing the crash that occurred to his left. He groaned as he saw yet another mess to clean that was pickle related. “Excuse me, do you know where they keep the stuff that multichromatic quadrupeds consume?” a charismatic voice inquired. Peanut rubbed his head, stars still filling his view. He must have hit his head pretty hard, considering the odd question he thought was asked. “Multi—wha-HAA” he fell back after he turned to face his questioner. A strange creature made up of all sorts of animal parts held up a jar of pickles and was examining it thoroughly. He rubbed his eyes and blinked. Nope, he didn’t see incorrectly. “Uhhhh–” “Hmm?” Discord suddenly voiced, as if taking note of the pony in front of him for the first time. “You know, the”—he waved a claw around—“stuff that is eaten by your kind? That stuff?” He glanced around the store with a raised brow as he tapped a foot impatiently. “Well?” The worker still working out what he was looking at suddenly blinked, finally realizing the question he was asked. He slowly turned to the rows of food that lined the shelves to his side, behind and in front of him. He then craned his head beyond the strange fellow and saw bread stacked on top of each other. Yep, he was still in the grocery. “Uhhh… like pretty much everything we sell here is food, sir…” Discord gave an exasperated groan and smacked his face. “Pretty much everything? Well, great!” He waved his arms out in a flourish. “How am I supposed to know what isn’t pretty much everything?” he sighed irritably. “Forget I even asked. I’ll figure it out on my own.” He waved him off. Peanut just blinked, dazed by the encounter as he watched the strange creature float off with a shopping cart. “Mmm, I think I’m gonna go home early today and lay down…” He rubbed his head, picking up the mop once more to finish up. As he started on the new mess, a crash behind him startled him. “Wha’ the” he muttered, confused and angry to see that yet another jar found its way to the ground. He cursed under his breath and went to clean that mess. He came to a stop when he saw the pickles suddenly rolling away, his leg rearing back in shock. The mop he was holding clanked to the floor as his mouth went agape. He worked his mouth a couple times before nervously muttering, “O-kayyyy. Yep, definitely need to lay down…” He yelped and hopped to the side as a few more jars fell near him; the green abominations moving on their own accord at a pace faster than the previous as if to catch up. He slowly backed away and started heading the opposite direction of where they were heading. Several more crashes occurred, most from behind him. He turned, gulping as he saw a sudden tidal wave of pickles heading his way. Peanut’s eyes widened as he stumbled, falling onto the large group of moving pickles. “Uh—HELP!” he screamed, waving his forelegs about, helplessly being caught in the onslaught of determined pickles. Discord turned the corner of the aisle and glanced about. Ponies who were near the aisle he came out stared at the green wave in shock, before galloping away and shrieking. Others, unaware and confused by the sudden commotion, turned to see Discord flying by. Those in the way below silently moved out of his way as he continued on. Some blinked, some whispered to one another but most didn’t seem to notice or care.  Discord continued, undeterred and not particularly focusing on where he was heading exactly. He kept an elbow on the handle of the cart; his head resting on his paw as his eyes glazed over the mountain of vegetables he passed. What an eye sore. So green and… uniform, without uniforms… Hmm… He lazily snapped his claw. The broccoli shook vigorously, before standing straight up. They suddenly sported yellow eyes and jagged mouths while wearing a beret, green and red epaulets, white kepis and blue sashes. “La Révolution!” one shouted, holding a string bean high into the air. “Eh, not my finest work but it’ll do I suppose,” Discord commented as he drummed the handle of his cart. Nearby ponies reared back in fear and started running away; miniature green edible trees hot on their haunches. Discord sighed as he switched to tapping his cart absentmindedly surveyed the quickly emptying aisles he went past. “♪Hey, hey, you, you I don’t like your marefriend~♪” Discord snorted, squinting his eyes as his ears picked up the sudden assault of vocals. He cracked an amused smile despite himself. “Ponies these days and their music…” he chortled, giving his tail a flick, giving it an audible snap. “♪No, way—Ave Discord~ Gratia plena~ Discord, gratia plena~♪” Discord’s half-smirk morphed into a content smile as the heavenly and not familiar at all charismatic voice filled the once desolate airways. Much better… he thought as he stretched an arm out to his side, wrapping it around random assortments of chips, candy, cans and ingredients as he went by. He retracted and dumped it all into the cart. He glanced over the handle of his cart, mildly curious of the contents he’d secured. Reaching down he chose one at random adjusted his square glasses he now sported. “Powered Puffs. Cheesy, delectable and good for the soul…” He raised an eyebrow. “Bold claims, Mr. Puff. I’ll be the judge of that.” A zipper appeared on the bag. His fingers waggled back and forth before reaching out to grab the zipper. He made a swift downwards pulling motion… Or that is to say he tried. It was stuck. He clicked his tongue in frustration as he continued to fiddle with it. “Blaste—stupid… thing!” he seethed in frustration, his teeth clattering as he pulled with all his might, an arm falling off temporarily from the strain. His ear shot up in surprise at the sudden scream to his right; his body recoiling simultaneously, causing him to drop the bag. He muttered some expletives as he reached down and swiped the bag. He eyed it in annoyance and gave the retreating mare a quick glance as a tidal wave of laughing green gelatinous substance washed past him and pursued her. Discord disappeared and reappeared in place in a flash. He waddled in place for a moment as he ensured his wader boots were on securely. Satisfied, he strapped himself into his fishing chair before reaching out and grabbing his tried-and-true Pony Snatcher 5000—patent pending of course—out of its holder. He adjusted his shades as he kept his concentration squarely on the quickly disappearing pony. He pulled his fishing arm back. Back. Further back… So far back that it popped out of his shoulder but continued to float back regardless of physics until the tip of the pole reached the merchandising freezers stationed outside of the aisles. He adjusted his sunglasses as he tracked her, sticking out his tongue in concentration. Steady… His arm shook from an invisible line of tension, a trickle of sweat beading down his brow. Aim… His eyes narrowed. Fire! His arm retracted at blistering speeds, the cast line sweeping past the green sludge that pervaded the aisle. The mare let out a breathless scream as she felt the simultaneously hard and soft sensation of a cold object latching onto the back of her head, its suction causing her to only be able to slide forward a few centimeters. She yelped in fear as she was suddenly yanked backwards, her scream being sporadically interrupted as she skidded in and out of the wave of sludge she’d just attempted to evade. Despite her stupor of being unable to process what was happening, let alone why, she lit up her horn in a desperate attempt to free herself of the suction cup that had found its way lodged onto her. She started with a simple telekinesis spell to pry the offending object off of her but with each attempt her magic would simply fizzle out as it neared the tip of her horn, instead causing the green substance attached to it to grow and pop. Running out of options she— She found herself no longer moving and instead felt weightless as she was slowly spinning in place. She pried an eye open to see that she was no longer flailing through the sludge, remnants of it sliding down her coat and dripping below. As she opened her other eye and continued her slow rotation, she found herself face-to-face with— “Pardon me, I know you’re oh so busy and all—” “AHHHHH—” “Uh, uh, uh. None of that now~” Discord teased as he pinched the muzzle of the mare shut. He pulled her closer as if to size her up. “Utter another peep and I’ll have to reconsider my generous and most gracious act of saving you from…” He squinted at the green substance below him before dipping his paw in and pulling back. Bringing it to his face he sniffed it, finding it to have no scent he shrugged before giving it a lick. “BLEUGH!” he spat, coughing. “That thing. Dear, Celestia… Ugh! Needs more spice…” he muttered as he wiped his face with a kerchief. “P-p-please, l-let me go…” the mare whimpered. “Yes, yes do me a quick favor and you’re free to go do… whatever it is your kind does. Be a dear and open this, if you would?” Discord asked mock-sweetly as he shoved the bag into her hooves. She fumbled with them, crinkling the bag as she desperately attempted to not drop it. She stared at it for a moment as if it were completely alien to her, it clattering in her hooves. Discord looked at his watch and coughed before letting the line loosen a little and causing the mare to let out a short scream. “W-wait! I-I’ll open it…” she whimpered, biting her lip as she continued to fumble with the bag. First, she attempted to use her magic… but the goo was still there and prevented it. Then, she used her teeth, finding success as she ripped open a corner of the bag. “H-here, c-can I g-go now?” she asked as she held the bag out, a few cheesy treats falling out due to the shaking. “Bingo!” Discord exclaimed as he knocked over the white pawn of his opponent, it leaving a tiny explosion as it tumbled over. The other Discord groaned as he slid his digits down his face. The mare let out another scream as the line suddenly jolted once more, bringing her closer to the wave of sludge below, causing her to nearly lose her grip on the bag, a few more puffs falling out. “Hmm? Oh!” Discord exclaimed as his other half and the board disappeared. He snatched the bag out of her hooves and examined it, scratching his head. “Huh, so that’s how you open it,” he shrugged. The mare started to tear up, seeing that she was still being ignored and was still sliding ever closer to the doom below and let out a cry. “P-please, I just want to g-go home and s-see my son…” she begged. “Yeah, sure whatever,” Discord waved her off as he turned his back from her. He snapped his claws, the wave below disappeared, as did his fishing equipment, causing her to fall with short scream and finally an ‘oomph.’ The mare quickly got her bearings and ran off in a hurry. Discord pulled out a cheese puff and eyed it incredulously before popping it into his mouth. He chewed it slowly, his face puffing up with each bite he took as he took in the flavors.  He stared at the bag. “Cheesy? Debatable. Delectable? Eh, mostly in-edible. Good for the soul? I suppose a win there if a burning sensation is considered good. Bah,” he called out as he crumpled up the bag and dropped it. “How am I supposed to find food in a grocery store!?” he seethed in frustration. He gave the bag a good kick; it landed in a net and caused a loud siren to resound. “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!” cheered a crowd of Discords in the makeshift stands to the sides, taking residence in the surrounding aisle’s shelves. “Oh, thank you! Thank you! Yay~” Discord mockingly cheered as he waved to his adoring fans, his grin short lived as he snapped his claw and made the rest of him disappear. He crossed his arms behind his back. “Stupid… grocery store… back in my day…” he grumbled as he slunk forward, not watching where he was going. “Why, if I had it my way I’d… Ack!” he cried, smacking face first into some offending object. “Watch…! It…?” he asked as he rubbed his face, his eyes lighting up in recognition. He’d found the one edible food object he was well aware of, the one that he himself shared to the world, gracing them in all its glory: milk! “And so many options!” His grin grew bigger and bigger as he scanned the refrigerators lined with the nectar of the Faust’s. …Until he was not able to find the exact variety he was looking for: chocolate. Sold out. Gone. Nadda. Zilch. “Grrrrrr—whatever.” He peeled himself off the glass and gesticulated with his hands as he continued, “It’s fine, it’s cool. I’ll jusssssssst have to do with what they’ve got I suppose…” He grabbed a gallon and… his cart was gone. Wonderful. He looked at the jug and shrugged. “Eh, good enough,” he stated as he teleported. “Dear, Celestia! What is that thing!?” a stallion cried out, pointing towards a group of cereal that had morphed together into one giant monstrosity. It reached out, swiping jugs of milk out of abandoned carts and guzzled them down, milk and damp spherical bits of unknown sugary delights dripping to the floor below. It knocked out a series of lights in its wake of milky destruction. A single cashier cowered under the checkout aisle lane, sweat dripping down her face as she heard screams from all angles. “Excuse me. Hellooooo~?” called a voice from above her, the register above her making several ching sounds. With shaky hooves, she pulled herself up to meet— “AHHHHHHHH!” she screamed at the sight of a face being inches from her own. She attempted to flee but found herself clunking into a glass wall, which she pawed at before realizing she was in a dome of sorts. “Eck, what is with ponies and their greetings these days? A simple ‘Hi, how are you?’ would do, thank you very much!” he stated as he twirled his goatee. “Anywho~ I have this item right here that is in need of being checked out.” He pointed to the floating jug of milk, which he blinked at before tapping it back down on the checkout lane.  “So, if you could do me the favor of scanning it or whatever you need to do and allow me to give you a payment in exchange so I can get out of your hair that would be wonderful.” His eyes widened at the sudden CLUNK above him. He peered up to see the cereal monstrosity leering over him, licking its jagged cardboard lips as it spotted its prize. “…And make that quick,” he stated with a gulp before turning to face the hyperventilating mare with her back plastered to glass as she stared up. Discord let out a sigh. “Look, I’ve got places to go and things to do and I’m sure you probably do as well, if you could just scan the milk”—he shoved it into her hooves—“I’ll be gone in a flash and I’ll let you go. What do you say?” he asked as he tapped the register with claw and held his hip with his paw. She gulped before nodding fervently, her eyes not leaving what hung above them. She shook, cringing with each bang the glass made as the cereal continued trying to pound its way in. Beep. “Y-your total is two bits…” she squeaked out, sweat dripping off her face as the glass started to show signs of cracking. Discord pulled out his purse and reached inside, sticking his tongue out in the process. He blanched at finding nothing. He turned it upside down and gave it a good shake to no avail. “Oh, poo. It seems I’ve forgotten to bring the necessary funds with me… Oh well, I hope you accept checks?” he asked, pulling out one and a pen. “It’s free! On the house! J-just take it and let me go!” the mare sputtered, hoping that this was all just a terrible nightmare. Discord put his pen to paper and cursed as nothing came out. “This doesn’t usually happen…” he swore as shook the pen for good measure. The glass above continued to crack, pieces now trickling down as the banging grew louder and louder with each consecutive hit. The mare cried out in fright as a particularly large shard of glass crashed beside her. “I’ll pay for it myself! Anything!” “Two… bits~” he mimicked as he wrote it down. He shifted his steadily sliding reading glasses back up to the bridge of nose. The mare ducked back under the lane, keeping her legs tight to her chest as more shards of glass, as well as a mixture of cereal and milk found its way down. “Oh shoot… What's the date today?” he asked as he patted himself before pulling out a calendar. Seeing that it was a thousand years outdated he let out an explicative as he tossed it aside before shrugging and writing down a close approximation based on his tallies he kept since his lawn ornamentization. “P-please!” the mare called out desperately. “Oh, just one more thing… who do I write this out too?” “AHHHHHHHHHH,” she screamed once more as more shards of glass littered the floor near her. “Oh! That makes so much more sense now. That’s your name! No wonder I’d been hearing that so often today,” he chuckled as he shook his head. “Silly me~. Now, how many a’s and h’s are in that?” he asked as he clicked his pen a few times. Suddenly a giant cardboard hand snatched his milk, causing him to swerve his pen off-kilter. “Blasted, now I’ll have to start all over, great!” he said in annoyance, staring up at his quickly receding jug of milk. He snapped his claw, causing the jumble of boxes to implode, their combined cereal and milky goodness raining from above. Discord put up an umbrella and held out a claw just in time to grab his milk. With everything settled down around them, minus the complete chaos of everything else occurring in the store, Discord sighed contently. “Well, I must be off. I’m sure those little rascals are getting hungry right about now… Probably. It’s been a pleasure, I’m sure. Ta-ta!” Discord waved and disappeared in a flash as the mare slowly found her legs again as she brought herself up. She blinked as a strip of paper found its way onto her muzzle. She pulled it off and squinted at it. There were no words or numbers on it at all… In fact, it wasn’t even a check. …It was just a doodle of a butt… …It was time to go home. She abandoned her station post-haste and ran for her life, screaming along with everyone else that still lingered as they pushed their way out of the store, every food item you could name chasing after them.