//------------------------------// // Prologue // Story: An Idiot Trio vs Equestria // by Beast Out //------------------------------// It was a typically unpleasant day in the Faust forsaken desert known as the Badlands. The heat was enough to make a lava golem want a cold beer and the sand made walking on Legos not sound like a punishment from the depths of Tartarus. Despite the hellish conditions, a lone carriage being pulled by a timberwolf of all things made its way through Death Valley's bigger brother like it was no one's business. One might think the wooden mutt would've burst into a walking bonfire by now, but luckily for the photosynthesizing mongrel, it had an enchanted white tarp draped over it, as did the carriage it was dragging. Holding the reins of the pyrophobic pinocchio puppy was a grey-purple teenage dragon with green eyes, wearing a brown leather vest and a bored, irritated expression on her face. Suddenly the tip of the timberwolf's leafy tail combusted. "Hey Dartz! How much longer till we get to this stupid hive? Birch's tail just caught fire!"  In response a red eyed changeling with dragonfly wings, a lack of holes in his limbs and a tattered blue cloak poked his head out the carriage's window and watched the living lump of foliage frantically beat its tail against the ground to put out the flames. "For the last time, I don't know! That fucker only gave me the direction and not the distance, and the only reason I couldn't throttle more information out of him is because he told me through a telepathic link I didn't even know changelings had! So we'll get there when we get there! Now shut the fuck up and drive, Kindle!" Inside their transportation of choice, a griffin with maroon feathers and light brown fur laid on his back with a gray trilby over his face. The avian predator let out a long suffering sigh at the antics of his companions. He wouldn't take an offer of all the world's bits to be rid of them, but sometimes, such an offer looked really good. "Archer."  Don't get him wrong, they were his best friends in the world. "Archer!" Hell! The whole reason he followed them to this one is so they didn't get themselves killed. "Archer!" But Dartz and Kindle were the only people who could test his patience more tha- "Archer!" "Whaaaat!" Dartz blinked at the griffin's outburst, but quickly recovered. "Where'd you put the extra water? Birch is on fire.", He said as if discussing the weather. "Again? It's in the box on the left of that cider barrel we stole from that warehouse in Manehattan." This was stated in an equally casual tone. "Thanks." Archer watched as the black carapaced love eater got the large bottle of water and flew out the carriage door. "Don't worry Birch! You won't become charcoal on our watch!" Archer just smirked and shook his head. It was honestly a miracle they'd come as far as they had. For context, before they were the motley crew you see before you, they were simply three human friends on earth living together in a shitty apartment, Arnold (Archer), Katie (Kindle) and Darren (Dartz). They'd all grown up in the same orphanage and went unadopted. Having to navigate the world on their own, they eventually rented a crappy apartment from an asshole landlord who barely maintained the place; the jobs they got weren't exactly glamorous either. After five years of that, they died in an explosion because of a leaking gas pipe the landlord knew about, but didn't fix, the cheap bastard. The following conversation went something like this. "That fucker! That cheap, wrinkled, decrepit, wookie lookin' piece of shit! He said he fixed the pipe, that lying bastard!" "I'm dead?! I can't be dead! There's so much I haven't done yet! I never owned a dog, or went to Hawaii, punched Russell Crowe in the face, o-or. My life can't be over yet! "So this is what the end has in store for us. Not Heaven, Hell, or something in between. Just you, the people you died with and an endless abyss." Three souls were floating in the middle of an infinite black void. Darren was cursing the very bloodline of their finkrat landlord, Arnold was freaking the fuck out and Katie was contemplating the nature of life and death. "Calm down little souls." A serene voice broke through the white noise of the group's overlapping chatter. Standing before them, smiling at the hapless trio in all her glory was Faust. Not Lauren Faust (not technically anyway), but the- "Is that the fucking Fausticorn?" Darren oh so eloquently questioned. "Yeah, I think so." Katie replied. "But it's probably just the Reaper taking a form that makes us more comfortable." Arnold threw in his two cents "Or God just got bored and decided to mess with us" The alicorn's smile grew fond, like a mother whose kids said something absolutely precious. "You're half right, Arnold. I am a God and I am bored. So I'm going to make you an offer." "So you're gonna bring us to Equestria, right?" "Darren!" Both his friends really weren't in the mood for him to piss off a deity. Faust simply giggled at the bluntness "Why are you booing him? He's right. I take it that you're fans of my world?" "Moderately. Heard on the internet that Discord's character development got trashed in the finale though." Darren shrugged "Was mostly interested in the lore." Arnold made a 'so, so' gesture with his hand. "We stopped watching after season four." Katie admitted. "Perfect! Let's get to it!" The red maned mini horse excitedly pranced around the void in a not very fitting display for a god. Arnold, ever the sceptic, cut her off. "Wait a minute! Why us? How? Equestria's just the setting of a cartoon for Christ's sake!" Faust smirked. "Like I said, I'm bored. And introducing your souls to my multiverse will help quell that boredem. As for how, the omniverse is a big place. The chance of, anything is existing is pretty much a hundred percent." Katie looked contemplative. "What do we really have to lose?" "Nothing. We're fucking dead, remember?"  "Shut up Darren." Arnold stared at the celestial being in front of him. They really didn't have anything to lose. "Alright. We'll do it. On four conditions." Faust looked intrigued. "Oh? Alright, name them." "We're reborn together." "Easy." "We get to pick what we're reborn as." "Done." "We keep our memories of our last life." "Eeeeeh. Sure." "Didn't think you'd go for that one." "You'll make a bigger impact if you know things you shouldn't." "Ah" Darren interrupted. "Hey, can I choose the next one?" ".... Fine." "Music of our choice plays whenever we do something awesome!" "Really?" "I think that sounds good."  "See! Katie agrees!" "Alrighty! Not getting any more entertained over here! What'd you wanna be?" -Five minutes later- A knock was heard on the door of an orphanage in Griffinberg in the middle of the night. Gale Typhoon, the head caretaker of the establishment opened the door, blinking the sleep from her eyes, she looked left and right, but saw no one. Looking down at her feet the elderly griffin saw a basket with three eggs, a griffin egg, a dragon egg and a green egg she couldn't identify. Each egg had a blanket with a name embroidered to it, Archer, Kindle and Dartz. The old hen sighed. "These old bones just can't get any rest no more, can they?"   -Three weeks later- The eggs had hatched after a week. As Gale expected the first two were a griffin and a dragon. They were simple to take care of, all three of the hatchlings quite unfussy for their age, concerningly unfussy actually. Archer and Kindle could be fed milk and meat slurries like all the other infants in their care. But Dartz! No one in the entire town knew what he was! There was no information on the little bug, grub, thing and two days ago she was worried he'd starve because he'd throw up anything they fed him as a horrid green goop. Then one of the older children volunteered to take care of the three. When she picked up Dartz and he started inhaling a red mist that seemed to be coming from her chest! The poor dear almost dropped him out of shock! That just raised more questions! What was he eating? Was he dangerous? Why did his breath smell like sunshine and joy after he ate?  By the Great Western Winds she needed a drink. -Three years later- Archer, Kindle and Dartz were inseparable. They had all grown quite well, Kindle can now breathe fire, and Archer is learning to fly.  And then there was Dartz. Where does Gale even start? The little bug has grown to resemble a pony foal, except with black, shell-like skin, dragonfly wings, solid red pupiless eyes, a sharp crooked horn and razor sharp teeth. At this point the workers stopped trying to figure Dartz out and let Archer, Kindle and Gale deal with him. -Five years later- Kindle's wings have grown in. The little lizard was quite proud and immediately tried to start flying. There's still bits of glass being found under the furniture to this day. -Two years later- The Trouble Trio as the town now calls them, are nothing but trouble (surprise, surprise). Dartz can APPARENTLY shapeshift and they were using it to cheat at poker of all things! If she didn't love this job (and the kids she takes care of) she'd have quit decades ago. -Five years later- They found a spell book and made a bloody Timberwolf. Gale just can't anymore. His name is Birch and everyone loves him.  -One year later- The trio is leaving Griffinberg. No she's not crying! Shut up! -One year later- Gale opened her newspaper to see a report of Archer, Kindle, Dartz (disguised as a gray unicorn with a red mane) and a Zebra being wanted in Baltimare for selling blue pills made of poison joke as "performance enhancers".  She smirked and shook her head. "Those kids are nothing but trouble."