Chapter 15-Memory of a Memory
By the time Rainbow's eyes had fluttered open, she was alone in Mac's bed. She squinted at the light of the rising sun slicing through the half-drawn curtains, pulling the heavy flannel blanket over her head. Content with the newfound darkness, she attempted to drift back to sleep, only to be roused by her one weakness.
Food.
Its siren song wafted up the stairs, through the thick blanket and straight up her nose.
Damn those Apples and their amazing cooking, she thought, rolling out of bed and stretching her legs and wings. Arching her back like a cat waking from a nap, she let out a massive yawn. The soft popping of her back and joints continued as she took a few steps towards the door.
Once in the hall, the smell of baked apples and cinnamon mixed with the light scent of haycakes being fried on an iron skillet—soaked in lots of butter. Her stomach growled loudly, reminding her she was now eating for two. Every day she looked down at her belly, expecting to see the first sign of her bump, only to find the same lithe build as before.
Trotting carefully down the stairs, she greeted Applebloom and Granny Smith as they sat at the table. Granny Smith sipped her morning coffee and read the paper with her comically-sized reading glasses, while Applebloom colored happily beside a half-eaten stack of haycakes.
"Mornin' Rainbow!" the energetic filly said cheerfully. Truly it was a miracle of youth to be that enthusiastic that early in the morning.
"Hey kiddo, what're you up to?" Dash asked, reaching the bottom of the stairs.
"Ms. Cheerilee wanted us to draw and color a picture of somepony special to us, and Ah'm drawin' my family and Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle!" she replied, holding up the partly-colored drawings of a large pony (Mac), a mare with a hat (Applejack), a pony with a shawl (Granny Smith), and two fillies her size (Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo). Next to the big pony, she noticed a shorter pony with wings and a bit of a pot belly.
"Who's this?" Rainbow asked.
"That's you, silly!" said Applebloom cheerfully. "Scootaloo is so jealous that you're gonna be my sister-in-law!" She smiled, setting the drawing back down in front of her and taking a crayon in her mouth to continue coloring.
"I don't think my belly's that big!" she complained light-heartedly.
"Well it ain't now, but it will be soon! Ah heard y'all talkin' after you took Applejack and Mac out to that fancy supper," she mumbled, her words muffled by the crayon between her teeth.
Rainbow cast a glance at Granny Smith, who nodded knowingly.
The old Rainbow Dash would have vehemently denied such allegations. The old Rainbow Dash would have been upset that a filly had been eavesdropping on her personal life.
The new Rainbow Dash figured everypony in town would know about her, Macintosh, and their 'situation' eventually. In fact, she felt somewhat honored that Applebloom was already considering her part of her family, even though the idea of marriage still frightened her.
"That's a great drawing, you'll get an 'A' for sure." Rainbow smiled, rubbing behind Applebloom's ears before taking a seat and helping herself to the remainder of the breakfast.
After the inhalation of a dozen haycakes and all the baked apples on the table, Rainbow noticed Granny Smith's pleased smile. Before she could question it, Applebloom bid them both goodbye and headed off to school, leaving the Apple elder and Rainbow in the kitchen.
"It's good to see you feedin' my great-grandbaby well."
Coming from anypony else, this would have seemed like a back-hoofed insult, but Dash knew she meant well. Rainbow would have to have a serious talk about loose lips in this family, but decided that would not be appropriate after nearly breaking the heart of the only patriarch the Apples had left.
"Yeah, I'm not just eating for me anymore."
Granny nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. "Mac tells me you've got quite th' day planned," she added, settling back in her chair.
Geez Mac, anything you didn't tell her?
"Yeah," she replied softly, not having put much thought into what would go on after Mac had done his chores for the day.
"Plannin' to say goodbye, are ya?"
Rainbow nodded, glancing back up at the elder Apple as she continued to sip her coffee stoically.
"Ah'll tell ya what Ah told my grandfoals: goodbyes don't mean a thing."
Dash raised an eyebrow. "What? How could goodbyes not mean anything?"
Granny smiled, setting her coffee mug down on the table.
"Macintosh and Applejack were in your position when my son and his wife passed," she began. "They went to school just like any other day, only to come home to news Ah wouldn't wish on anypony. They didn't get to say their goodbyes, 'cept at their funerals."
Rainbow scoffed. "At least they got to say them."
"You know how they felt after they said 'em? After all was said and done?"
Dash shrugged.
"Just as bad as before. Th' pain, th' sorrow, it didn't go away, it stayed right where it was. Right in their hearts."
Rainbow worked her jaw, trying to figure out why Granny Smith would be telling her all this. Before she could sort it out, she continued.
"Ya see, sayin' goodbye doesn't mean anything, because the way th' time ended ain't important. Th' time spent is what's important. Healin' wounds of th' heart ain't gonna come from outside, it's gotta come from in here," said Granny, tapping a hoof on her frail chest.
After a moment's pause, Rainbow spoke. "So, you're telling me I shouldn't go see my Dad?"
"Heavens no! You need closure, dearie. But don't expect seein' where he lay to fix the ache in your heart. You're the only one who can fix that."
Granny finished her coffee and slowly rose from her chair, taking her plate to the sink and offering to take Rainbow's.
"No, I'll get it," Dash said, still trying to absorb the wisdom of the elderly mare hobbling around the kitchen.
Dash excused herself from the table, taking a step outside to get some fresh air. She had nearly stuffed herself with food, hoping that it would be enough for the foal. She knew she couldn't eat like that and expect to be competitive at practice—which was a day away.
It was going to take true grit and determination to secure her spot before she had to stop flying. On that note, she began to worry. She sat on her haunches on the front porch, the cool morning breeze swaying through the trees and ruffling her feathers.
Oh Celestia, what am I going to tell Spitfire?
She bit her bottom lip softly. Surely there was maternity leave for something like that. The leave of absence was what worried her the most. Dash simply couldn't stand the thought of not being able to practice for eight whole months! She'd go insane just imagining it!
She took a deep breath and sighed. At least she'd have Mac to help her through it. Eleven months was a long time to have something growing inside you and eating half your food. Rainbow looked toward the fields, scanning for any sign of Applejack or her brother, but seeing none. It was still pretty early in the morning, and she knew Mac wouldn't be done with his work until at least the afternoon. Figuring she could do with a nap on her familiar cloud bedding, she spread her wings and gave a few strong pumps, steadily lifting her into the air.
It took a bit more strength than usual, but then again, she had just eaten way more than she was used to in a single sitting. Once at altitude, she closed her eyes, letting the wind whip through her mane and the fresh air only the pegasi had the privilege of breathing fill her lungs. Something about the air at ground level just seemed less clean. There was dust, pollen, animal dander, pony dander, all kinds of impurities that mixed together and masked the wonderful smell of pure atmosphere.
Her home popped up over the horizon, rope ladder still dangling lazily from her porch. As she approached, she noticed the mailmare had left her quite a few letters. She landed softly on her porch near the pile, careful to not blow them away. Dash scooped the letters up in one hoof and opened her door. Closing it with her hind leg, she flopped down on her incredibly comfortable couch and set the letters on her chest, going through each one.
Bill... junk... junk...
A small postcard with all sorts of baby stuff decorating it stuck out from the drably colored hues of the other envelopes. Rainbow examined it, noting it came from the Ponyville hospital, more specifically, the doctor she had seen for her physical. Flipping it over, the postcard revealed she had an appointment for a checkup for herself and her foal next week. While she was a little miffed they'd already set up the appointment without her knowledge or consent, she figured she could get a few answers out of the doctor while she was there.
Her mother may have been a scientist, but theoretical physics and medicine were entirely different fields. She was honestly surprised Pinkie hadn't tried to throw a party of some kind for her. In fact, she recalled that she and Twilight had left on a bit of a sour note the last time they were together. Rainbow laid on her couch, trying in vain to fall asleep, but the nagging guilt of not announcing her big news to her friends like she told Twilight she would kept her awake.
Alright, alright! I'll apologize! Stupid conscience... she thought, rolling off the couch and leaving the mail in a heap on her living room floor.
Twilight had just finished an early lunch. She and Spike were preparing for a trip into town for Spike's annual checkup at the hospital. A dragon specialist flew in from Canterlot to make sure her number one assistant was on track to grow into a healthy beast in a few hundred years.
"Spike, are you ready to go?" Twilight called from the table, levitating her dishes into the sink. Spike came down the steps, a spring in his step as he hopped down every other one. He loved visiting Dr. Toboggan; he always gave him the tastiest gems for being a good patient.
"Yeah, ready when you are," he said happily.
"Don't think you're going to fill up on gems at the doctor's office," she warned, as she donned her saddlebags. "Did you clean your scales?"
"Yes," he moaned. He knew the interminable questions weren't far behind.
"And brush your fangs?"
"Yes, I trimmed my claws, washed my spines and filed down my tail point," he deadpanned. "Can we go now?"
Twilight smiled contently. It wasn't too long ago that she had to hover over him to make sure he was actually doing everything he said he was. "Yes, we don't want to keep Dr. Toboggan waiting."
Spike hopped on Twilight's back as she opened her front door, only to inhale a startled breath.
"Rainbow? What are you doing here?"
Dash glanced into Twilight's eyes before casting them back down at her hooves. "I came to apologize."
Twilight was floored. She'd just heard a word she swore wasn't in Rainbow's vocabulary. "For what?" she stammered.
"Well... I told you I was going to do something, and I didn't do it," Dash clarified.
Twilight looked at Rainbow quizzically. "What are you..." she began before recalling their last outing. "Oh, you mean the dinner?"
Dash simply nodded.
Much to her surprise, Twilight smiled. "Well, it's okay. You'll tell the others when you're ready."
"That's the thing... Applejack already knows, and I was wondering if you could do me a favor and let the rest of the girls know..." She sighed, hating to ask Twilight to try and add something to her meticulously planned schedule.
Instead of the polite decline she was expecting, she received enthusiastic approval. "You... you want me to tell the girls?" She grinned, the stars in her eyes betraying her excitement to be a part of one of the biggest events of her friend's life.
"Yeah, I've got Wonderbolts practice starting up tomorrow, and I didn't think I'd have the time to—"
Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. "Say no more! Consider the girls informed!"
An easy grin tugged at Rainbow's lips. "Really? You don't mind?"
"Of course not!" Twilight insisted. "I just hope you're ready for the party Pinkie's going to throw for you. She'll probably invite the whole town!"
Dash chuckled. "Well, they were going to find out sooner or later."
Noticing her bags, Rainbow asked the obvious question, "You guys going somewhere?"
"Yeah, we've got a doctors appointment," she replied. "Spike's annual checkup. The first one since he lost all his baby fangs!" Twilight added in a maternal tone, much to Spike's embarrassment.
"Can we just go, please?" he insisted, not wanting to be subjected to any other comments from his surrogate mother.
"Alright, alright, keep your scales on, mister," she said, turning around to him.
"I'll let you guys get going," Rainbow answered, taking a step back, knowing Twilight would probably teleport.
"Thanks," Twilight said. "Have fun at practice!" she added, charging her teleportation spell.
"Thanks, see you guys later!"
With that, Rainbow took to the air before Twilight had a chance to singe her feathers with magic.
Back at her floating home, her couch was calling her name. Sinking into it on her back, she once again found herself asleep. Her dreams bounced back and forth between the glory of her Wonderbolts career and the unfamiliar territory of foal raising. Restlessly, she slept—tossing and turning before a deep voice roused her from the chaos in her head.
"Rainbow?"
She woke with a start. Her racing heart was quickly calmed by the green eyes of Mac as he stood over her, nudging her awake with a foreleg.
"Hm... five more minutes..." she joked, rolling over with a smile. Truthfully, she was a mix of excited and nervous about their plans today.
"C'mon now," Mac insisted as she rubbed her eyes with a hoof, yawning.
"Alright, alright," she groaned, rising from the couch and stretching out.
"Ah got us a cab. It's outside," Mac said, the enchanted talisman Twilight had given him working perfectly to keep him from sinking through her house. He would certainly need it where they were going. Rainbow usually wouldn't dream of using any mode of transit besides her trusty wings. However, lifting Mac was quite impossible, and an earth pony couldn't exactly reach Cloudsdale on hoof.
"Hang on a sec," she said, rushing quickly into her room to grab her locket, throwing it around her neck and leading Mac out the door.
Rainbow piled in, sliding over as Mac entered the coach. A team of four pegasi pulled it, not unlike the limo Rainbow had rented for dinner the other night.
The ride over was mostly silent, Dash finding herself in an unusual place: deep in thought. She recalled the times she'd spent with her father, faint though they may have been. Even though her mother had pictures of him up in her home, she'd often times have trouble picturing his face or hearing his voice. Especially his voice. Only in her dreams did she ever hear what she believed to be his voice, but even then, it was just the memory of a memory.
As the cab rose higher into the sky, Rainbow kept facing the window. An unexplainable nervousness began to settle over her. She knew such emotions were silly at best and unwarranted at worst. She explained to herself that she was simply going to visit her father's grave. Ponies do that all the time! There would probably be other ponies doing the same while she was there!
There was nothing to be nervous about, yet the feeling refused to retreat. As she further contemplated, her mind came alive with questions. What would she do? Just stare at it? What did ponies normally do when they did something like this? She figured Mac might have experience, but decided it might be in poor taste to ask what a pony with a dead parent was supposed to do at a gravesite.
A hoof resting against her own startled her out of her thoughts.
"You feelin' okay?" Mac asked, clearly noticing how nervous she must have looked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She was a better liar than Applejack, but not by much.
"Nervous?" he asked.
Dash glanced over to him, a gentle smile helping to coax down her anxiety. His inherent calm and tranquil exterior were but one of many reasons she adored the big stallion more than she ever let on. "Kinda."
"It'll be okay. There ain't much to be nervous about," he assured her.
"I know," she sighed, hating how her mind simply wouldn't let herself banish the nerves rumbling around in her stomach. Plucking up her courage, she looked to Mac, her eyes alone communicating the fear she would only ever let him, and nopony else see. In a way, Mac was honored she'd allow him to get so close to her emotionally. "I just... what am I supposed to do? Talk to a chunk of rock? He can't hear me there any better than he could hear me here!" she said in annoyance.
"Ah can't tell you what ta do. Everypony does what they feel they should," he replied softly. "That's all you can do; what you feel is right."
If there was one thing she didn't like about Mac, it was how cryptic and vague his answers to questions like this could be. She wanted him to tell her exactly what needed to be done for her to find closure. Yet, just like her mother, he didn't have a straight answer. Being indirect annoyed her more than anything, and it seemed that the older she got, the less clear the choices in her life became.
"Great..." she moaned, turning her head back out the cab window as they crossed the outskirts of the pegasi capitol. The cab slowed to a halt outside a layer of fluffy white clouds on the edge of the city. Mac paid the fare before looking to Rainbow, whose eyes remained trained on the window, as though she were a goldfish looking out with cautious curiosity at the world outside the protective bowl of the cab.
"Ready?" he asked gently.
"Yeah."
They stepped out. The cab pulled away, leaving them standing before the simple cloud gates of the pegasi cemetery. Walking up to a large display near the gate, Rainbow traced her hoof along the raised letters until she found her father's name.
Row A, section four.
Dash looked over the rolling cloud layer kept in immaculate condition by the skykeepers. A few pegasi here or there were placing flowers, or simply reflecting on days gone by—as she soon would be. Mac stepped up beside her, close enough to let her know he was there for her, yet at enough distance to tell her this was something she needed to come to grips with by herself.
Together, they walked into the cemetery, slowly taking in the row after row of similar looking markers, made from a special stone light enough to float on clouds.
"It's kind of funny," she began, perking up Mac's ears. "There isn't anypony actually buried here, like there would be at an earth pony or unicorn cemetery."
"Why's that?" he asked, genuinely interested.
"Pegasi burials are different. We don't belong in the ground."
She sighed, the remorse of not visiting her father's memorial marker weighing heavily on her heart. "They're called sky burials. Once a pegasus dies, they're put on a cloud, carried up to the jet stream, and let go. The winds that we feel since the day we learn to fly take us out over the ocean before the cloud evaporates."
Though it was a rather grim topic, Mac could appreciate the beauty in such a meaningful gesture for the deceased. The earth was tied to the earth ponies, why wouldn't the sky connect the pegasi?
"So Ah take it they did the same with your Paw?"
"Yeah." she sighed as they came to the appropriate row. Rainbow's legs were on auto-pilot as she continually strode toward her father's marker, her eyes glued to the clouds on which she tread.
Mac followed her up until a few paces away. He figured if she'd never come here, there may be some things she wanted to get off her chest, and figured she probably didn't need him breathing down her neck during that time.
Rainbow took a few steps forward, stopping once the words inscribed became readable.
Lightning Dash
Beloved Husband, Father, and Son
Born April 12 1245 D.C.
Ascended August 28 1277 D.C.
Up until this point, Dash had held her feelings in check quite well. Her father was a pleasant, yet distant memory, unable to evoke any real emotions until she read the words on his monument.
Mac heard her sniff up tears as she took a few more tentative steps forward before falling to her haunches before the uncaring stone, a pose he knew all too well.
"Well, here I am," she muttered, unsure of what exactly was supposed to go on. His marker was well-kept—she figured her mother was responsible. She had always asked if Rainbow would have liked to go with her when she was still under her roof, but she refused every time. To come here, was to admit he was truly gone. It was to admit that fate was a cruel and heartless mistress that would rip a father from a foal when she needed him the most. She put it off, bottling her sadness and her anger until this very moment. Twenty years of anguish flowed through her all at once, causing her forelegs to falter, leaving her to fall to her belly as she cried.
Mac stepped toward her, knowing that she needed him now more than ever. He settled next to her as she buried her head in her hooves. His very presence enough to remind her that she was not alone in the pain of losing a parent too soon.
He let her sob, he let her vent all of the pent up emotions waiting to finally free themselves from the bondage Rainbow's strong and brash outward appearance had forced them into. After a few minutes, she raised her head to look once again at the marker, unchanged in the face of her pain.
A large hoof rubbed her back as she let the tears flow silently, cursing herself for allowing such an out of character emotional display. In front of Macintosh, no less.
His gentle caress did little to calm her as she looked down at her tear-stained hooves. "I guess this was what I'm supposed to do, huh?"
Mac remained silent, merely shuffling closer on his belly to rest his head over her own.
A few silent moments passed before Rainbow spoke again. " Do you think..." she began, choking on her sobs before regaining her tongue. "... he'd be proud of me?"
To Mac, this was an absurd question. Yet, he knew why she had asked it. She knew the answer already. She knew that any father would be proud of their daughter becoming a Wonderbolt, becoming what they dreamed of being, even as a filly. He knew all she wanted was to hear the answer from him. To hear another voice outside her family validate her needs and wants. He knew this, and would make sure she did too.
"Of course he would, Rainbow," he whispered. "I'm sure he's proud of you."
That seemed to have the opposite effect of what he'd hoped for. She wept even harder than before, burying her nose in his strong chest as he kept a hoof around her withers, staring into the marker as if it were his own father's.
"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner, Dad..." He heard her whisper into his coat.
They rested there for uncountable minutes as Mac allowed her to gather herself.
Once she began to try and dry her eyes, she looked up at him.
"Granny Smith told me before we came here that goodbyes were meaningless," Rainbow said.
"She told Applejack and Ah the same thing," he replied.
Rainbow stood up and stepped toward the tombstone, running a hoof across its surprisingly rough edges before placing her forehead against it and kissing it. She turned back to Mac and walked back to him, nuzzling beneath his chin. "I feel a little better but, I think she was right," she whispered.
"She usually is," Mac said softly.
"Thanks for being here with me."
"You're welcome, Rainbow."
She brought a hoof to her face and dried her eyes, finally managing to stop the tears from flowing. The locket around her neck swung pendulously as she took it in a hoof. She stared at the inscription that had inspired her these many years, despite not knowing what it meant most of the time.
For the first time since she left Twilight's house, she smiled. Her father had managed to influence her all these years, without physically being there to guide her. Secure in this knowledge, she kept her smile and glanced up at Mac.
"How about we get something to eat?" she suggested, "the baby's starving."