//------------------------------//
// 1. Pinkie Pie 
// Story: Lewd Me, Anonymous 
// by Jazzmania Chronicle 
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Inspired by 3lewd5me, performed by Wuten


This chapter is unbeta'd.





“Hiya, Nonnie!!!”

“Jesus Christ!”

Anon startled out of his seat, alcohol sloshing out of his flask. He’d been sitting peacefully on a bench when the crazy pink nightmare known as Pinkie Pie poked her head out of the bush next to him. She had a big smile on her face, a stark contrast to Anon’s growing scowl. Does this pony enjoy giving people heart attacks?

“For fucks sake, Pinkie,” he yelled. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that?!” He put his flask back into his coat pocket and looked down at his pants. Great. Now it looks like he pissed himself. 

Fan-fuckin’-tastic. 

“I just wanted to see if you’d remembered the picnic at Fluttershy’s today!” Pinkie hopped onto the bench. She was practically vibrating.

Anon sighed. “Yes, Pinkie. I remember.” As if he could forget, with Twilight nagging him about it for a week straight. Anon didn’t really want to go — he wasn’t a “tea and pastry” kind of guy. But he’d promised Twilight that he would spend time with her and her friends. And he always kept his word … Well, most of the time.

“We should probably get going then,” he said, walking away. “We wouldn’t want to be late.”

“Oh, I’ll walk with you!” Pinkie then began bouncing alongside Anon. She was humming that aggravating song of hers — the one about “smiles, smiles, smiles”. Anon wanted to snap at her to stop but decided against it.

Pinkie could be loud and annoying and sometimes didn’t respect personal space but she meant well. As well as cake-crazed party animal could get anyway.

They walked to Fluttershy’s in silence (with Pinkie’s humming and bouncing as background music). They were halfway to their destination when Anon stopped, wiping his forehead. Pinkie turned to him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just didn’t realize how hot it was.” Anon took his cap off and started fanning himself with it. Wearing his wool overcoat seemed like a good idea at first. Oh, how fucking wrong he was. Moisture ran down his back and sides. He groaned. At least I look good in it.

“Apple juice?” 

He looked down to see Pinkie Pie holding out a juice box. She was idly drinking from her own box. He shook his head. “No thanks, Pinkie. I’m not a juice type of person.”

She shrugged and stuck the juice box into her mane. How she could store anything in that mane, Anon will never understand. “Why don't you take your clothes off? You’ll be soooo much cooler.”

Anon blinked. Leave it to Pinkie Pie to say something most would consider vulgar in a casual manner. “I don’t think that’d be a good idea.”

“Why not? It’s perfectly normal for you to be naked here. Everypony does it. Oh, and not just ponies! Gryphons and dragons and zebras and–.”

“Yeah, I know that, it’s just…” Anon paused. Was it really a bad idea? This wasn’t the first time the topic was brought up. Yes, clothing was optional for creatures in Equestria but that really didn't apply to Anonymous. It’s plainly obvious that he wasn’t built the same way as other species. While there have been ponies who’ve seen him in his naked glory, it was always in a more … private setting. 

Still, the thought of walking around nude in public was enticing. Maybe he should indulge himself this one time? It was hot out here. 

“Are you sure it’s okay?” Anon asked. “My body’s not like a pony’s.”

“Sure I’m sure!” Pinkie smiled wide. “You’re always wearing clothes. It wouldn’t hurt to try it for a day.”

Well, who could argue with that? 

“Alright, if you say so. Let me just …” Anon shrugged off the wool overcoat and set it on the ground. Just as he suspected, his shirt was soaked through at the back and armpits. He shucked that off and let out a sigh of relief. He closed his eyes. The breeze was heaven on his skin. Why hadn’t he tried this before? 

There was a surprised choking sound and Anon opened his eyes. Pinkie was staring at him with a weird expression on her face. She sat stiffly on the ground, her juice box discarded in front of her. The straw was missing. Did she accidentally swallow it or …? 

“Um, well, how do I look?’ Anon held out his arms.

Pinkie swallowed, her smile shaky. “I-I-I … Y-you … You look great! H-how do you feel?”

“So much better. I should’ve done this earlier,” Anon noticed Pinkie’s subtle twitching. “Are you okay? You’re staring at me weird.”

“Oh y-yeah. Yeah!” She waved him off. “I’m fantasterrific! Awesome sauce! Cool beans.”

Anon crossed his arms, a dubious look in his eye. “Really?”

“Yep!”

“Well, then you won’t mind if I take my trousers off as well–.”

“Wait, NO!” Pinkie was suddenly in front of him, standing bipedal and seizing his hands before they could undo anything. They stayed like that for a few moments and then she lowered herself on all fours and laughed nervously. “I mean there-there’s no need for that yet! You should wait before going completely nude. Baby steps, y’know?”

Anon blinked. “Okay then. I was only messing anyway.”

“Oh, totally! I knew that.”

Sure she did. “Pinkie…”

“Wowie, look at the time!” she pulled a pocket watch from … somewhere and held out to him. “We’re gonna be late for the picnic. We shouldn’t keep the girls waiting any longer, yeah? Okay, I’ll meet you there. Bye!”

And just like that, Pinkie sped off in a cloud of dust. Anon stared after her,  a surprised look on his face. But then he laughed, slinging his shirt over his shoulder and picking his coat off the ground. 

“Mares,” he said to himself, walking away.

Being shirtless was going to get very interesting. He just knew it.





Pinkie Pie ran until she was a good ways away from Anon before stopping. She hid behind a tree and looked around hurriedly. When she was sure nopony was around to see her, she sat down heavily and sighed. 

Holy Celestia, what the hell was that?! She thought, her mind racing from the previous events. Shit, shit, shit, why did I say that? He’s so sexy. This is so wrong, I can’t be sexually attracted to him. He’s my friend! Sweet Celestia, he looked so good. I came instantly, twice. Shit, shit, fuck!!!

She slumped to the ground and stared blankly into nothing.

I’m so fucked…