==X===X===X===X===X==
Braeburn sits with his hat pulled over his face. In the dusty landscape, with mountains far to the south, we’re the only living things around. All that's left is dust.
Braeburn takes his hoof from his hat and sets it on the ground. "I'm a big believer in my own agency, you know." He lifts his head, and his cheeks are stained with tears. "Bronze tried to take that away from me. He tried to control everything.” He sniffles and gestures back towards Appleloosa as he forces a smile. “But look what I can do when I put my mind to it. How many ponies can say they helped build a town from nothing?"
I nod. My heart feels heavy.
And from the look of him, so does Braeburn’s. He gently sets his hoof back in the dust. "But that means accepting responsibility, too. I made many, many mistakes with Bronze. His actions weren't my fault, but there are so many times where I could have made a choice. I could have gotten help when he got heated. Found other responsibilities for him at the orchard.” His voice softens. “And drunk less, obviously. I don't want to make the same mistakes again."
I take a deep breath with him. "Would you like to rest a bit?"
"Naw, the sky has heard enough of my troubles. Let's head back into town. Train should be here soon."
I practically cut him off. "If I might be so bold, I think the orchard might be more soothing for both of us."
Braeburn smiles. "I like the way you think."
==X===X===X===X===X==
I felt like I had nothing, like all the air had been sucked from my lungs. I sat back down on the floor, and the tears flowed freely. It was cathartic, in a way. All the pain spilled out of me, and holy hell there was a lot of it. The fear that Bronze would hurt me, the months of burying my feelings, the denial, all of it. I gasped for air and grabbed the sides of my head, like I could wake myself up. The walls felt constricting. I couldn’t see beyond my hooves, and I couldn’t decide if I wanted to run after him or hide forever. It felt like I was unraveling, thread by thread.
I might have stayed there all day if not for a knock on the door. "Hey, uh, Braeburn?" It was Pridesong of all ponies. "Can I come in?"
"No!" I shouted. I didn't want anypony to see me, so I leapt to the door and held my weight against it when he rattled the handle.
"Geez, okay." I heard him step back. "It's just that I saw Bronze at the train platform. He looked mighty upset. Everything okay?"
Okay, he’d asked. I was convinced nothing would ever be okay again. "...No."
"...Oh."
I heard a few spring insects buzzing outside.
Pridesong cleared his throat. "Is there, uh, anything I can do to help?"
I felt dizzy. Softer, I repeated, "No."
After another pause, Pridesong said, "Okay. You… You take all the time you need, Braeburn. Merriweather and I will do the tours if any tourists show up today."
A beat passed. I’d forgotten how to even speak.
He asked again, “Braeburn? That okay?”
I slumped against the door. "Yeah. Thanks. And, uh, Pride?"
He paused. "Yeah?"
"Please… don't tell anypony that Bronze left." Hearing myself say it hurt less than the idea that others would find out.
Pridesong sighed. "I won't, but he's pretty hard to miss." He took a step back. "Take care, Braeburn. Lemme know if I can help at all."
"Thanks, Pride."
He walked away and left me to my sorrows. There were chores to do, but when Collard Green came by to ask about the day's work, I told her I was sick and gave her some simple instructions, enough to keep them busy for a few days. I couldn’t hardly bring myself to leave my entryway. I bet I sat there, staring at the floor, for over an hour.
I was a mess for the rest of the day. Hell, I didn't even feel like drinking. I had the last two shots of the cinnamon whisky Bronze had gotten me, then I cried over that, too. My ribs hurt like hell, but none of them were broken as far as I could tell, so it was really just a sore jaw and my bruised cutie mark that lingered.
I could still feel it in my flank where he'd kicked me. I tried to hold onto that feeling, the last place he'd touched me. Downright perverse, ain't it?
Nothing got accomplished that day. I just moped, pacing around my house. I would walk to the kitchen, think about our meals together, then fight back the tears and wander to the living room. Then I’d see my couch, miss him all over again, and head upstairs to try to nap. But the sheets smelled like him, so I would wander back to the kitchen, and the cycle would continue, on and on, broken only by a few half-hearted sips of hooch and the inexorable exhaustion.
Not that I found relief in sleep. The night was restless, and my mind kept playing cruel tricks on me, making me think I heard him come in or dreaming that he was still beside me.
And in the morning, I decided I would go crazy (or worse) if I had to stay in my big, empty house. Ma always taught me about holding my head high, especially when I felt low, because that's when we need the confidence most. After a shower and a change of clothes, I went outside to face the world.
But I didn't hardly interact with it at all. I kept my eyes forward and went about my business: town hall for some paperwork, my orchard to check on a few trees, then the general store for some groceries. Nopony bothered me. Nopony noticed. I convinced myself that nopony cared, and it was then that I felt completely alone.
Slate passed me by on the way to the store. "Morning, Braeburn." He eyed my cutie mark, and his tone dropped. "You okay?"
Flatly, I said, "I'm fine. Just had an accident." I kept walking.
From behind me, I heard him say, "You, uh… been having a lot of accidents lately." I stopped and looked over my shoulder. His ears were down, and I think he had just figured out that something was wrong.
I just shrugged. "Well, I've been making lots of mistakes lately." I turned and left him. He didn't say more.
I felt… hard, I guess. Like I was made of metal. Or rather, I felt like I was a concrete dam, and if I let any cracks show, the whole thing would burst.
A few more folks commented that it was nice to see me, and a couple of them asked how Bronze was doing and whether he'd bring clouds that following week. To keep myself from bawling, I just told them they'd have to take that up with him. Yes, it was rude to mislead them. No, I didn’t care.
I did my grocery shopping – didn’t buy much, since nothing looking appetizing – and was in line to check out, cursing myself for buying groceries on Saturday when everypony else was out and about. The line was long, and I noticed folks casting glances my way.
Rather than deal with them, I let my eyes wander to a pony I didn’t recognize. He was an aisle over and was comparing two little carved souvenirs that were on sale. He was a big guy, gray coat with a black mane and some black rocks for a cutie mark. Looked a little awkward handling those little figurines. Clearly a tourist.
I sighed. Moody or not, I don't like leaving tourists with anything but happy memories. If he saw me moping, he might be off put, and I didn’t need any more guilt weighing me down. I forced a smile as I called out to him, "Looking for something, stranger?"
He looked up, then looked all around, and he finally pointed to himself. “Uh, me?”
I made myself chuckle. “Yes indeed. You shopping for somepony special? Whittle Sticks hoof-makes those herself. Finest quality you’ll find.” The pony in front of me moved up a space in line, and I shuffled to keep my spot. The mare behind me rolled her eyes. I got that a lot when I was doing my tour guide routine.
The stranger set the figures down. “Just shopping for myself. I’ll be honest, I’m not really one for tchotchkes.” He had a deep voice, a little nasally. Sounded like he was from up north, maybe near Neighagra. He walked over so he wouldn’t have to shout. “Got any other suggestions?”
“Well, Hasty Haberdasher makes excellent hats.” I tipped mine to him. “They make great souvenirs. Can’t beat practicality!” The line shifted a bit.
He wore a big, dopey grin. “Yeah, I suppose not.” He scratched the back of his head. “Where is that place? I kinda got separated from the tour group.”
The line shifted again, and I realized I needed to put my groceries on the rack to get rung up. I blushed at the poor clerk and rapidly set my stuff on the counter. Still, I didn’t want to leave a stranger with nopony to help him. “Oh! Uh, it’s the big building with the hat sign. Can’t miss it.”
“Eh, you’d be surprised. I have a habit of getting lost in big cities like this.”
I cocked an eyebrow at him. “Where are you from that this is a big city?” The clerk cleared his throat, and I kept piling on groceries. “Oh, sorry,” I said to her.
“Up in a little settlement outside Grand Mustang, a ways south of Neighagra.” He laughed. “Buddy, you think this place is small, you ain’t seen small.” He moved to the end of the counter and started packing up my groceries into the canvas bags I’d brought. I tried to stop him, but he said, “Aw, I don’t mind helping carry. ‘bout the only thing I’m good for is lugging heavy stuff. And then you can show me the hat store after!”
I should have known something was up, but who was I to say no? And after all, in the back of my mind, it felt good to do something normal.
I paid my bits, and as we left, the stranger finally said, “Name’s Coal Shaft, by the way. Pleasure ta’ meetcha!”
“I’m Braeburn, and really, you don’t have to carry my stuff. The hat store is right there.” I pointed as we walked down Mane Street.
“Oh, Braeburn, eh? The Pride guy said you’re one of the founders here! Gosh, that must’ve been a whole hoot and a half to see the town grow so much in just a few years.”
I couldn’t help but smile at him. Yeah, he was kind of a dope, but he was nice, and that little kindness went a long way to picking up my spirits. We conversed on the way back to my house, and I gave him a short recap of Appleloosa’s history. He told me about working the iron and coal mines up in the Range up north, and even though his voice was a little grating, he was lovable and gentle, like a big, gray teddy bear. I can see why Soarin’ liked him, too.
Hm? Oh, yeah. Soarin’ dated him for a while. Small world, right?
As we finished putting everything away in my pantry – he didn’t put them in the right places, but I didn’t mind – I said, “So, what kind of hat are you thinking?”
Coal Shaft sat down right on the floor and tapped his front hooves together, ears down like a puppy that’s chewed your slippers. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”
He was just so damn cute and pleasant. I tipped my hat at him. “Shoot, pardner.”
Coal’s eyes fluttered. He blushed and kept fiddling with his hooves. “Oh, gosh, ‘pardner.’ That’s just… that’s just adorable is what that is.” He flicked a hoof at me. “So you’re gay right?”
I felt like I’d swallowed a bucket of ice. “Uh, excuse me?”
Coal sucked in a breath and waved his hooves. “Gosh! Sorry, wow, that was a lot, huh? Sorry, real rude of me.” He covered his face with his hooves. “Yeah, wow. Okay, sorry. It’s–”
“It’s okay, Coal Shaft,” I said, gentle as I could. I laughed, genuinely this time. “I mean, you ain’t wrong. Yeah. I like stallions.”
He looked up at me, all smiles. “Oh, that’s great! Really great, ya’ know. I like ‘em, too.” He held a hoof to his chest. “See, I feel like I don’t have the gaydar since Grand Mustang is pretty small, so I don’t get a lotta practice, but you’re… you’re really pretty in a good, handsome way, and I was kinda thinking, ‘Coal Shaft, you’re here to have fun and relax for once, and wouldn’t it be nice to meet one of those gay cowponies you’re always reading about and have some fun?’ Could be a real dream come true. Just like in those romance novels, you know? Or do not get those out here?” He leaned forward, eyes big and smiling bright.
I laughed out loud, but I tried to talk through it so he’d know it wasn’t aimed at him. The laughter hurt, in a way, like I was letting a little of my emotions spill out of me. I stuffed them back down and tried to be a proper host. “No, we…” I wiped a tear away from my eye. “I get some of those. Yeah.”
But then, a weight settled onto my shoulders. I remembered my own whirlwind romance, my own story of two gay cowponies and how it had ended, barely a day ago. I felt the waters rising again, and I hardened the wall.
I cleared my throat. “Sorry to disappoint, friend, but I don’t think I’m really ready for a relationship right now.”
He kept smiling and shrugged. “Oh, that’s okay, I’m just talking about sex.”
That hit like a pile of chickens had flown up in my face, and I had to stabilize myself on my kitchen table. “You, uh, don’t beat around the bush, do you?”
Coal shook his head. “Naw. I figure life’s short, so it’s best to be direct.” He leaned back and started gesturing with his hooves again, twisting them all around each other like he was doing cat’s cradle. “So yeah, my favorite one is the one where the dark, mysterious stranger – that’d be me in this case – he comes into town and the cowpony and him have this weekend affair, and then he leaves, no strings attached, but it was still meaningful, you know? And I feel like I’d like that, and I saw you at the store and went, ‘Wow, that’s a handsome pony, and I bet he likes stallions,’ and you seem nice, and I’m pretty good at hugs and pretty big down in the ol’ wahoo, so maybe we could do something like that, yeah?” He reached out with both hooves like he was expecting a hug. “Might be fun!”
…
If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s finding a way to not deal with my feelings. Here was a stallion willing to distract me for a while longer when the drink wouldn’t satisfy. How could I say no?
Guilt coursed through my blood when I thought of betraying Bronze like that, after only a day, after he said he’d come back when I apologized. I kept hearing the sound of the door closing, seeing the image of him leaving without looking back. I crammed those feelings back down again, hid them behind the dam.
But the thing about emotions is: one way or another, they always find a way out.
Water welled up in my eyes, but I refused to let myself break down again. I would not let myself feel sad. And so, a different thought took its place. ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ It felt like I had taken a step to the right and was seeing my whole world from a whole new angle. This angle was a lot more red. ‘Bronze left me. I don’t owe him a damn thing!’
I stunned myself at that. After all, I loved Bronze, didn’t I? Hadn’t I swore to work with him, to try everything to make our relationship work? But as I thought about it, I began telling myself that I was the one who’d done all the work. He’d skated by and was always grabbing for more of the orchard – my orchard, that I’d built up with my own connections and investments – and he always wanted more. He took and he took, and after all, hadn’t I given him everything? My home, my heart, an opportunity for a job? And he’d taken my kindness and spat on it. Abused it. He’d left me, like I wasn’t good enough, and he was too stupid to even see what was happening.
All the cold ice in my veins melted quickly in a hot fire, and my thoughts looped on a different track. ‘The hell is his problem? I tried everything. I was the reasonable one! He couldn’t handle the pressure out here. And even if I love him, he broke it off. He abandoned me.’ My blood got even hotter, and the guilt turned into a desire for revenge. ‘If he wants to mope out in Chattahoofa, that’s his problem, but me? Heh. Ponies can’t fuckin’ resist me. So fuck it. Why should I wait around for him to get his head out of his ass?’
Coal still had his hooves out, but his smile faltered a touch. “Sorry, maybe this is too weird. I can–”
But I marched up to him, grabbed him around the back of the neck, and brought him in for the most aggressive, teeth-knocking, tonsil-massaging kiss I could manage. I held on with all my might until we nearly suffocated, then pulled my lips away to leave us both panting. I pressed my face against his and growled, “Take me away, you dark, mysterious stranger.”
His face lit up a colt’s in a candy store, and he didn’t need any more convincing.
We spent the afternoon getting very, very closely acquainted, then fell asleep for a quick nap. I must say, even without wings, it felt nice to be held. It felt nice to be wanted. Deep in my heart, I knew it was only temporary, but I was so starved for touch and togetherness that I would take whatever I could get.
I made dinner, and after dark, we snuck out to the orchard to have some more fun. Coal Shaft insisted it was just like one of his favorite scenes from his favorite book and that it would be a great time. He wasn’t wrong.
We dragged ourselves back to my house that night and fell asleep in my bed. Coal Shaft was real sweaty – alarmingly so, even – which covered up the smell of Bronze that was still in my sheets. He passed out quick.
And as soon as he was out, reality came back to me, unavoidable as the reaper.
I felt hollow. I was a pinata, but instead of candy, I was full of betrayal and empty desire. My skin crawled, and it felt like I was wearing a loose-fitting suit. While Coal Shaft snored, huddled against my back, my body shook, and I tightened my jaw to hold in my tears. “Bronze,” I whimpered. I covered my face. “I’m sorry.”
I’d let myself get so wrapped up in my anger, a fleeting anger, because for a moment, it had felt nice. How would I explain this to Bronze? What if he came back the next day? My whole body felt crushed, and I remembered what Pridesong had said about everypony thinking I was a damn whore. That night, I felt like it more than ever.
My joints were stiff. My skin felt cold. With all the anger burned off in a blaze of revenge sex, I felt like a corpse that had been buried for a century. I lay there, motionless, missing my coltfriend and sobbing, for an hour or more. When Coal Shaft yawned and hugged me tighter, I pretended he was my Wings, and I finally fell asleep.
We woke up facing each other when the rooster crowed. Coal Shaft was as bright-eyed as a pony deep into his second pot of coffee. “Wow, that was a heck of a fun night, eh? Just… uff-da! Real good times, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. He was such a bright star in my dreary world. I reached out and brushed his face. My imagination ran wild, desperate for something to hope for. “You’re somethin’ special, you know that, Coal Shaft?”
His smile broadened. “Thanks! You are, too, Braeburn.”
“Heh. I, uh…” I traced a hoof on his chest. It was still sweaty, probably from holding me close. “I don’t suppose you’d like to visit again sometime? Maybe for a date?”
His smile didn’t even falter. “Nope! Like I said, I’m more of a ‘no strings attached’ type o’ guy.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “Hope you find a guy like that, though. Sounds like you want one. And you’ll get him sooner or later, I bet. You seem nice.”
I sank into my pillow.
Coal Shaft gave me a mock-stern look. “Oh, don’t be like that, now! You’ll find Mister Right sooner or later. Sooner, I bet!”
My eyes drifted to his chest. “I, uh… I already had him, and I let him slip away.”
“Uh-oh!” He shrugged. “Well, that happens. But you’ll find somepony new. I mean, how long have you even been on the market?”
“...Two days.” I winced.
“Good for you!” He reached over and tousled my mane like I’d just shown him a report card with a C+. “Wow, look at you, already putting yourself out there. Guess that makes me your rebound guy, yep?” He nodded a few times. “I read a story like that once, too. Wasn’t my favorite, but it was still pretty neat!”
I snickered, still feeling hollow. “You don’t let anything get you down, do you?”
“Nah. And why would I? I’ve got a…” He traced a hoof down my body and tried to put on a sexy voice. He was hilariously bad at it. “...sexy and alluring compadre who showed me a good time. No complaints here! Anyway, I’ll make some eggs, then I should probably get back to the hotel and grab my stuff.” He rolled out of bed without another word and went downstairs, humming a little song to himself.
After he’d gone, the void I’d felt came back. It was… weirder now, sure, and it left me wondering what the hell I’d just done, but Coal Shaft was enough of an enigma that I didn’t want to question it too much. I rolled out of bed, went downstairs, and made some sweet rolls to accompany the eggs. I used cardamom instead of cinnamon.
We had a pleasant conversation about books that went on longer than I thought it would, and honestly, it made me want to date him all the more. But, he wasn’t interested. He’d had his romantic, weekend-only experience, and that’s all he wanted. I couldn’t fault him for that.
After breakfast, showers, and some coffee on the back porch, he said he had to run to the hat store, but he promised he’d come back. I wasn’t holding out hope, and I spent the time on the dishes. To my surprise, he did return, right around the time the train rolled into town. He stopped in the doorway, and he had his bags packed and a brand new cowpony hat on his head: an understated dark brown that looked lovely on him.
Coal Shaft gave me a big, big hug. “Thanks again, Braeburn. This was really a great weekend. Just super duper. I hope you had some fun, too, and weren’t feeling too down in the dumps. Sorry again about your coltfriend.”
I sighed and shook my head. “It’s alright, Coal Shaft. You’re a treasure, and I should be thanking you. I think I needed this to keep me from getting into a rut.” We both chuckled. “...so to speak.”
“Oh, I’m happy to help! And speaking of which, can we do one more thing?”
I always try to make the tourists happy. But, more than that, he felt like a friend, maybe the only friend in town who wouldn’t judge me for all my mistakes. I wanted to see him smile one more time. “Name it.”
Sure enough, that big, dopey smile spread across his face. “Oh, that’s great. So, the last thing that happens at the end of the book is that the stranger leaves, and it’s really cool and mysterious, so can I have the last word?” He flopped his hoof and bobbed his head around as he explained. “And then if you can watch me for a bit, I probably won’t look back, but I might, but I’ll try not to. That’d make it feel just like the book.”
I snickered. “No problem, Coal.” It struck me that another stallion was leaving me, and I felt a pang in my heart. Reality was catching up to me again. I was afraid to face it, but, well, at least for the moment, I didn’t have to face it alone. “And, uh, Coal? Can I ask a silly question?”
He gave me a big nod. “Sure! But I bet it’s not as silly as you think.”
I scratched at the back of my neck and had trouble with eye contact. “That, uh… The cowpony. The one that the stranger meets. Does…” I met his kind eyes. “Does he end up okay?”
Coal Shaft rubbed his chin. “Hm…” He squeezed his eyes shut and thought hard, then relaxed. “You know… yeah, I think so. It doesn’t say for sure. The cowpony just says that he’s going to wander a bit, like the stranger, and reconnect with himself. Maybe see some folks he cares about and give himself room to grow.” His expression softened, and he reached out and brushed my cheek. He was so gentle. “And you know what? I think he’s going to be okay.”
My eyes felt wet again. Steady as I could, I nuzzled his hoof with my cheek, and I replied, “Thanks, Coal Shaft.”
He smiled back at me. Wordlessly, he hitched his bags to the carrying straps on his back, then turned and opened my front door. He stepped out onto my porch, and I followed and leaned against the doorframe. With a straightening of his shoulders and a quick pause, he slowly turned his head to face me. He tipped his hat, and he spoke with an even voice just a bit lower and fuller than usual. “Happy trails, pardner.”
I didn’t know it was possible to get warmth and chills at the same time, but I did. I held a hoof to my heart as he turned and walked away, a dramatic shadow cast across his face in the midday light. Like I promised, I watched him walk towards the train platform. I’d have done it even if he hadn’t asked.
…though he did look back at me when he got to the platform. He saw I was still watching, and he gave me a last big, dopey smile, and he waved at me with a broad, limp hoof. I chuckled, and after he didn’t stop, I waved back the same way. His smile got even wider, somehow, and he met up with the small tourist group that was already there.
Pridesong was chaperoning. He gave Coal Shaft a big, “There you are!” that I could barely hear over the distance and the train. Coal Shaft, all swagger, ignored him and walked onto the train and out of sight. He’s a marvel, that one.
Pridesong said something like, “Where have you…” and trailed off. He looked over and saw me on my porch. Then, he looked back at Coal Shaft, then to me, with brows furrowed. Then he got all wide-eyed, and then he slapped a hoof to his face. He sighed, then turned the charm back up for the rest of the crowd.
I knew he’d have opinions. Looking back, I don’t really blame him. But I wouldn’t have to face him yet.
Because truthfully, Coal Shaft’s words had reminded me of something. I walked back to the kitchen table, where I had a beautiful, hoof-carved box labeled “In.” I ran my hoof over the fine wood and excellent finish, and I let myself be sad again for a few moments.
But I wasn’t going to stop there. I dug through a few papers and found my most recent letter from Aunt Honeycrisp. We’d kept in touch, though it had fallen off on my end a bit. That hadn’t stopped her, though, and I quickly read over her most recent letter. She was talking about a big conference in Manehattan that she was presenting at, where she’d share her new research on overwinter pollination and spring varietals. She wanted my thoughts on how she’d organized her theses.
I picked up a pen and wrote back that I could do her one better: if she was still willing to host, I’d love to come give her feedback face to face.
I hadn’t even begun to process my feelings with Bronze. Maybe this was a way of putting it off even more, but I truly think Coal Shaft was right. I needed the distance from it all. Every moment in my house was full of sadness and loneliness, and if the late winter was any indication, I was prone to falling deep into some very bad habits. I needed help. I needed to reconnect with myself, like Coal Shaft said, and I couldn’t do it in a place where everything reminded me of Bronze. I needed to break out of my sadness and find something that would give me a new perspective on who I am and what I really wanted. I needed to find something special that I couldn’t even describe.
And wow, did I ever find him.