I awoke to a rooster’s crow and, considering the clear lack of snooze button on said rooster and my inability to reach out and strangle him, I had no choice but to get up, albeit grumbling as I did so. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and took a look around the room.
‘Yup, still in Pony-Land.’
Standing up, I stretched before walking towards the door but paused as I was right before it. There was this nagging feeling at the back of my head that I was forgetting something...
Shrugging, I reached for the doorknob and exited the room.
The fantabulous smell of pancakes cooking graced my nostrils, putting a smile on my face and instantly brightening my mood. I walked down the hall with a spring in my step and descended the stairs.
At the end of the staircase was a cozy living room with a small green couch and a plethora of various animal living spaces. My smile faltered for a moment when I noticed the distinct lack of television, but luckily the thought of pancakes and syrup sliding down my throat allowed me to pull through the tragedy. I turned left towards the source of the smell into what I believed to be the kitchen.
My eyes were graced with the sight of my butter yellow hostess making pancakes, skillfully using her mouth as a way to grab the various ingredients and utensils.
I was momentarily disgusted at the thought of everything that had to go in a pony’s mouth considering their lack of hands, but once again that alluring smell managed to keep my mood up.
“Good morning Fluttershy, are those pancakes I’m smelling?”
She jumped a bit after hearing my voice, but then turned towards me, her eyes closed and a beaming smile on her face. When she opened her eyes however, her expression quickly turned to one of horror as she looked into my eyes. She quickly tried to avert her gaze and ended up staring at my waist area.
Next thing I knew her wings spread straight out with an audible *Pomf* and she fainted with a deep blush on her face.
Confused, I began to look myself over and noticed two key things:
1. I was human again.
2. I was naked.
I face-palmed at my stupidity for not noticing these things before leaving my room. Eh, the damage was already done, I figured there was no reason to dwell on past mistakes.
There was no clear way of covering up my modesty, but considering the only living being in sight was unconscious, I could manage to ignore it. Turning off the stove, I then scooped Fluttershy into my arms to carry her upstairs, but not without noticing a faint smile accompanying her deep blush, which I decided not to think about. It was a little awkward carrying her with her wings sticking straight out, but I managed.
I exited the kitchen, but then heard a knocking on her front door. I froze, my brain suddenly shutting down out of panic. I heard a slightly raspy female voice:
“Fluttershy, are you there? I need some help…with…tank?”
I saw a rainbow-maned winged-pony, hovering by, and looking through the window next to the door, her gaze was one of curiosity, but quickly changed to anger as she saw the unconscious Fluttershy in my arms. I saw her disappear from the window, and soon the front-door flew open to reveal her standing in the doorway snarling at me.
“What did you do to Fluttershy, Monster!”
I didn’t even get a chance to respond before she flew straight at me with a startling amount of speed, instinctively I sidestepped her and she flew head-first into the banister at the end of the stairway. Defying physics she just seemed to hang there for a moment before falling to the floor and rolling onto her back unconscious.
Seeing the cyan pony twitching on the ground with her tongue lolling out of her mouth was quite a comical sight, ordinarily I would’ve “Rofl’d” however my arms were in use, making it quite hard to roll on the floor, and I realized how unfortunate of a situation this was: I was naked holding an unconscious pony in my arms with another one knocked out on the floor. Not to mention the latter of the ponies called me monster, likely meaning that Humans aren’t exactly a common sight around these parts.
I weighed my options:
‘I could dump their bodies in a nearby ravine and run in the opposite direction of civilization to live off the land. Nah, where in the heck would I find a ravine? Plus I quit boyscouts before learning anything useful. I could tie them up and stuff them in a closet… NO, bondage is kinky (LEAVE MY BRAIN DIRTY THOUGHTS, THESE ARE PONIES).’
After some severe self-inflicted mental turmoil I decided it was probably best that I just put them to bed and wait for them to wake up, after which I could explain myself.
Hopefully their reactions would be far more favorable the second time around. But first I need to find a way to cover up...
“Oh dear god these things are F***ing DELICIOUS!”
Just because the only other two people (or ponies…whatever) in the house were unconscious didn’t mean I was going to let these perfectly good pancakes go to waste. Do I regret my rudeness by not waiting for them?
…
Not really.
Besides I actually WAS sharing.
There was this rather grumpy looking rabbit that jumped on my head earlier and began to attack me by trying to pull my hair out, likely believing me to be a monster. I swiftly pulled him off my head, walked over to the sink and dropped him in the dishwater. After surfacing he glared at me, but then stuck his paw out in a way that seemed to say ‘Well played monkey-boy.’ Either he was an extremely expressive rabbit or I was simply imagining things, probably the latter. I took his peace offering and pulled him out of the water.
Setting him on the table, I gestured towards the pancakes. He nodded and began to dig in with gusto.
“Lookie there, I already made my first friend.”
He looked up from eating his pancake, eyed me for a moment and nodded. Apparently ALL the animals here are more intelligent than the ones back home.
Anyways, my furry white friend and I made short work of Fluttershy’s pancakes, enjoying every minute of it. I left a couple for Fluttershy and the rainbow one despite the look of longing the rabbit was giving the plate.
“Okay, so what now?” I thought aloud.
The rabbit shrugged before jumping off the table and hopping out of the house.
After a little thought, I decided that now would be a good time to check on my unconscious friends. I left the kitchen, went up the stairs and turned into Fluttershy’s room. Upon entering, I walked to her bedside. Her wings were still spread out with an ever-present blush on her face; her breath was a little ragged and she was shifting a lot.
As quickly and quietly as I could, I backpedaled out of the room, noticing the signs that she was having a VERY interesting kind of dream. Breathing a sigh of relief in the hall, I turned and walked towards the guest bedroom, where I had set down my Multi-colored “friend.” I opened the door and looked inside.
“Crap...”
The hostile rainbow pony was nowhere to be seen. I quickly entered and began to look around when I noticed that the window was open, allowing a billowing breeze into the room.
“Well this can’t be good.”
I found myself, once again with nothing to do: Fluttershy was still having her dirty dream upstairs, my furry friend was nowhere to be seen and I was awaiting the rainbow pony’s reinforcements, likely a brightly colored pony-brigade, to arrive and attack me. I wasn’t too concerned considering their meager size and weight; I felt that I could easily overpower a group of these pastel ponies if the need were to arise.
But again, I needed to find something to do until the “climactic battle” lest I die of boredom first, that would just be ironic.
Sitting, rather uncomfortably I might add, on the small green couch I looked up at the ceiling and let out a sigh. When I brought my gaze back down I noticed a small squirrel looking at me with an expectant gaze.
“Whatcha need little guy?”
He opened his mouth and pointed into it before looking at me again.
I remembered Fluttershy mentioning that she took care of some ‘animal friends’ and considering Flutters (Let’s be honest, Fluttershy is just a mouthful) has been unconscious since this morning, they likely haven’t been fed yet. Well, it’s not like I had anything better to do.
I stood up and the squirrel, noticing this, went out the front door. Shrugging, I followed.
The exterior of the cottage was quite a sight. Unsurprisingly there were even MORE animal living spaces, primarily bird houses, but there were also trees containing some squirrels and other tree-based animals. To the right of me, a little ways down the path, I noticed a doghouse with a large wooden carrot with the word “Angel” written on it in place of the classic “Fido” or “Spike” nameplate. I looked inside and saw the same white bunny from earlier sleeping peacefully.
Tiptoeing away, I made my way over a bridge that seemed to be completely flush with the path, if not for the stream being clearly running under it, it would be indiscernible.
I looked up and off into the distance. To my surprise, I saw a number of colorful ponies heading in my direction following the path I was standing on. Hovering over the top of them was the blue-coated, rainbow-maned pony from earlier.
“It’s about time...” Looks like I just got out of feeding the animals.
Feeling like a bit of a jerk at the time, I smiled and waved at them. The rainbow one seemed to notice as I saw her gesture towards me with her hoof and the group began to move at a much faster pace. It wasn’t long before they were near enough for me to take in their features:
Leading the pack was a lavender unicorn with a straightened dark purple hair-do complete with a neon pink stripe running down it, slightly off-center. Her tail was similarly styled and her Buttoo (shortened for my sake) was a pink star with several smaller white stars surrounding it. Her eyes were a darker shade of purple than her coat.
The pony to her right was a green-eyed Orange pony with a blonde mane in a ponytail (oh the delightful irony), a Stetson hat resting atop it. Her tail was almost identical to the ponytail in her hair (the irony has been DOUBLED). Her Buttoo was a trinity of red apples, one name came to mind: “Apple Bottom” I also noticed she lacked both wings and a horn, the same as I did in “pony-form”.
To the other side of the Lavender unicorn ran a snow-white unicorn with a curly indigo mane and a matching tail. These ponies clearly lack a sort of creativity if their manes and tails were always so similar. Moving on: on her flank was a group of diamonds, again being a trio. Her blue eyes were different from the others’, being slightly more angular with longer eyelashes and utilizing a sky blue eye shadow.
Hopping, yes hopping, next to the Orange pony was another ‘plain’ pony with a hot pink coat and a curly mane and tail of a slightly darker hue, reminiscent of cotton candy. She had light blue eyes and a Buttoo of three balloons. The broad smile on her face was slightly unnerving.
For the sake of continuity I’ll describe the Rainbow one as well.
As previously stated, her coat was cyan and her rainbow mane and tail were unkempt, not dissimilar to my own as a pony. She had strikingly magenta eyes and a mark on her flank that depicted a rainbow lightning bolt originating from a white cloud.
The group of ponies were quickly upon me, but stopped a few feet short of where I was standing. The winged-pony had her eyes narrowed, but the others merely gave me gazes of curiosity, but not without a hint of fear in them.
I repeated my gesture of smiling and waving which seemed to break them out of their trance. The lavender one opened her mouth to speak, but slowly, as if talking to a mentally retarded platypus:
“Hell-o, We. Are. Heere. To. Maake. Shh-ure. Our. Frie-nd. Is. Allll. Righ-t.
She was making hand/hoof gestures the entire time; it wasn’t nearly as effective without having hands or fingers.
I decided to humor her.
‘I wonder if these ponies speak spanish?’
“Me gusta papel en unos lapices. Me llamo galaxia y yo vivo en mis pantalones cortos.” I looked at the cottage, gesturing towards it and faked a look of horror. “UNA MOCHILA! DONDE ESTA LA BIBLIOTECA?!?”
They all looked at me in disbelief.
“Uhh.. I don’t think we can communicate with him girls.” The lavender one spoke to her group.
My look of horror disappeared and I had a sly smirk on my face.
“Uhh, Twi...” The Orange pony spoke, pointing at me with her hoof.
The lavender one turned and looked at me in curiosity.
I finally snapped and bust out laughing. Their gazes quickly changed from ones of curiosity to ones saying “this thing isn’t the shiniest horseshoe in the smith shop”.
I slowly regained my composure and spoke:
“I’m just F***ing with you guys, my name’s Stan, wish I could say it’s nice to meet you all, but frankly considering my situation; I’m not happy meeting anyone.”
Their somewhat condescending looks of disbelief quickly evolved into ones of shock. The orange one was the first to break from the stupor.
“Y’all can talk? Are ya some sort of hairless bear or somethin’?”
She had a charming southern accent, but that didn’t distract from the bear comment.
My previously “bubbly” demeanor took a total 180.
“Bear?”
“Ya, y’all got claws and can walk on yer hind-legs like a bear, ya just missing yer fur is all. Don’t explain why ya can talk though.”
She obviously took my angry look the wrong way and continued:
“It’s alright pardner, we got some cream that can help ya regrow that fur lickity-split.”
This time it was my turn to have a disbelieving look.
I didn’t want to deal with this bull crap before I even have a chance to eat lunch.
Before anyone asks: Yes my stomach controls my emotions. Some people would call it a disorder, but I think of it as an ability.
Anyways, I sighed in response to her statement, my palm swiftly meeting my face.
Once again, my body-language was taken the wrong way, though this time by the pink one.
“You don’t need to hit yourself Stanny Wanny! Applejack is right, we have some cream that can grow your fur back in no time! That way you don’t have to wear that towel anymore!”
I remembered the towel I managed to find, thank god it was big enough to surround my waist. Didn’t want a repeat of this morning after all.
I finally managed to get a word in edge-wise:
“Can I just stop you two right there?”
The pink one, realizing what I said, quickly shut her mouth and again adopted that unnerving smile.
I shuddered involuntarily before speaking again:
“Okay, I’m not a hairless bear, I am hairless by nature as I am a human-”
“I’ve never read about anything called human in any of my books before,and we’ve already cataloged every animal and species in all of Equestria.” The lavender pony cut me off and gave me a ‘Pics or it didn’t happen’ look.
I glared at her, shutting her up and causing her to take a step back. She was obviously a know-it-all.
“I actually AM a human, not that I need you to believe me. Moving on; I didn’t hurt your friend, as I know you likely believe that I have, she merely fell unconscious and I was taking her upstairs to put her to bed before ‘Painbow’ over here decided to attack the banister.” I gestured towards the rainbow pony.
They all gave me sheepish smiles, excluding the rainbow one, who merely narrowed her eyes further and “hmmphed” at me. I continued unabashed:
“Thirdly: Stanny Wanny?”
The pink pony’s smile grew wider.
“Yupadeedooda! I love giving my friends nicknames!”
I was stunned.
‘Friends? I don’t even know her name, she just recently realized I DIDN’T attack her friend, though she used the nickname prior to the finding of this knowledge, and she doesn’t even understand that the whole use of nicknames is to shorten one’s original name...’
‘She is either criminally insane or really stupid, though I am leaning towards the former.’
“Excuse me darling but you’ve been staring into space for quite some time now.” The white pony finally spoke up and cut off my internal monologue. She had a high-class “snobbish” accent.
“Oh, sorry...Just lost in thought for a moment there.”
She looked at me with concern; it seemed quite uncharacteristic given her arrogant facade.
I shook my head and continued:
“Alright, moving on again. As I’ve said my name is Stan, I’m a HUMAN-” I glared at the lavender pony again for emphasis. “-and am completely at a loss as to where I am and how I got here, not to mention how to get back. I’m pretty sure this isn’t even my planet.”
I decided to leave out the whole me being turned into a pony thing, I was going to have to convince Fluttershy to do so as well when she regained consciousness, that is if she doesn’t run away from me in fear. For some reason that thought really depressed me.
I expected the lavender pony to butt-in any moment now to barrage me with questions and/or statements about the impossibility of the situation I was in, but she still had her head down from me glaring at her. I felt a little remorse...A little, which quickly passed.
I was surprised when the white unicorn was the one to respond.
“That is quite unfortunate...Well right now you are on the outskirts of Ponyville which is located in the country of Equestria-”
“Yeah, I gathered that much from what Fluttershy and the purple one over there said.” I recalled Fluttershy mentioning her cottage being near Povyville and Twilight saying something about Equestria.
A flicker of annoyance flashed across her face at my interruption, but she continued on.
“Well, that “Purple One” you are talking about is Twilight Sparkle, the personal student of Princess Celestia.” She was obviously trying to impress me into showing respect for the poor unicorn.
It failed.
“No idea who in the hell that is.”
She harrumphed before explaining:
“Princess Celestia is one of the two co-rulers of Equestria as well as her sister Princess Luna. They control the movements of the sun and moon and are all-powerful Alicorns.” She smirked thinking she had finally colored me impressed.
She didn’t.
“No idea what in the hell an Alicorn is either, and as for the raising of the sun and the moon: Bull s***. The planet revolves around the sun, causing it to raise and lower in the sky. The moon on the other hand revolves around the planet, but has the same effect.”
This statement finally got Twilight, formerly known as the lavender one, to speak up.
“That’s completely untrue! The princesses use magic to change the position of the sun and moon!”
I walked up to her, crouched and put my hand on her cheek. She recoiled for a moment, but ultimately stayed still, albeit with a slight blush adorning her features.
“Sorry to be the one to break this to you sweetheart, but magic doesn’t exist.”
I spoke softly with utmost certainty in my mind.
Then of course, life decides to be a b**** and prove me wrong.
One moment I’m crouched next to Twilight, the next moment I’m suspended five feet above the ground while covered in a billowing blue aura.
The white one smirked. Her horn had a matching aura around it.
“You were saying?”
This time she finally had me.
I was left speechless after she put me back on the ground.
Magic is real? This could prove to be very good or very bad, depending on how these unicorns used it. On one hand I could possibly get home, on the other if I put one finger out of place they could easily put me down. Honestly, I was now more than a little afraid of the pastel unicorns.
I finally managed to squeak out pathetically:
“Touché.”
Twilight and the white one looked at each other smiling in victory.
The Orange pony spoke up again:
“If yer tellin’ us right, then odds are that yer gonna have a hard time gettin home, so you might as well at least get tuh know our names. I’m Applejack, you can call me me AJ for short, I run sweet apple acres with my granny and brother Big Macintosh.” She stuck her hoof out to me for a hand/hoof shake. I took it, but soon regretted the decision. She somehow managed to lift me up and down in the air with the strength behind her shake. These ponies are built like freaking tanks. I pulled my sore hand away and gave her a forced smile.
The pink one spoke up next:
“My name is Pinkie Pie and I need to throw you a welcome to Ponyville party!” She gasped, “Or even better! A welcome to Equestria party with everyone in Equestria to meet you and become your friend, there’ll be cake and punch and pin the tail on the pony and cider and confetti-” She went on and on before Twilight stuck a hoof in her mouth (EWW!) to shut her up.
“I don’t think that’s such a great idea Pinkie. Remember what happened with Zecora? The ponies in town probably won’t take kindly to his appearance.”
Pinkie was hit with a large helping of logic. She smiled sheepishly.
“I will get you a party eventually, just you wait...” For some reason that sounded quite sinister coming from the pink pony.
Twilight was up next:
“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle, personal protégé to Princess Celestia, but you already knew that.”
She spoke rather proudly, it kind of got on my nerves a bit, but I let it go, knowing these unicorns were nothing to scoff at.
The white one was the next to speak:
“Good afternoon darling, my name is Rarity and I am the owner and sole designer at the prestigious Carousel Boutique.” She held out her hoof in a slightly different manner than Applejack. I recognized she was awaiting a kiss on her hoof.
Well there was no way in hell that I was going to kiss that dirty hoof that she had been walking on for god-knows how long, how was I supposed to know where the thing has been. I walked up to her and whispered into her ear:
“Not to be rude, but I would rather not kiss something you’ve been walking on.”
She seemed flustered for a moment.
“Why I’ve never even thought of that before. It would be quite vile...” I was more than a little surprised that she was showing actual remorse.
I decided to apologize for whatever reason.
“Don’t worry about it. I feel like we may have gotten off on the wrong foo- err hoof, I apologize for everything that I’ve said earlier that might have offended you or Twilight.” Heck yeah, I can be nice when I need to be.
Rarity looked back at Twilight, who nodded, she turned back towards me with a small smile:
“Apology accepted.”
After the others’ introductions were given, I looked expectantly at the cyan pony hovering above the group.
She gave me another mean glare before flying off.
Twilight spoke up:
“Don’t mind her, she’s just very protective, I’m sure that she’ll learn to trust you in time. Her name is Rainbow Dash, she’s the fastest Pegasus in Equestria.” Ah. Pegasus, I’m surprised I didn’t remember earlier from my previous delvings into mythology.
I watched the Rainbow blur flying away.
“Speaking of Fluttershy, you guys should probably go up and check on her, she might as well meet me too. Though let’s hope she doesn’t faint this time.” I thought for a moment before adding: “And you should probably tell her that I’m likely staying at her place until I can figure out how to get home.” They looked at me in confusion for a moment. “Given it’s on the outskirts of this Ponyville you guys are talking about. Don’t want anyone to see me and freak out.”
Twilight nodded and the group followed her up to the cottage. But not without me hearing her whisper to one of her friends:
“This is not going to be easy.”
I waited patiently outside for them to wake her up and tell her the news of her new “houseguest”.
Suddenly, I saw a window on the second story of the cottage fly open, the butter-yellow Pegasus in question peeking out.
She immediately flew out of the window, I thought she was simply making a break for it by trying to fly away from me.
To my surprise she turned and ran straight into me at breakneck speeds, knocking me over.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Dang these ponies are strong.
She stood over me; her front hooves on my chest and a crazed and hungry look in her large teal eyes.
With a smirk on her face, she spoke huskily in a voice slightly louder than a whisper:
“You’re going to love me...”
I managed to get to get a couple of words out as her face was getting to be dangerously close to my own:
“Well s***.”