//------------------------------// // A Well Dressed Minotaur // Story: Wild Card // by Barrel-of-fun //------------------------------// Edited by: PieisGood4U Blazinblade7 fireshadow11 The ‘All Bar One’ was pretty empty now. It was almost eerie, especially if you consider the fact that last night the place had been filled to the rafters with rioting ponies. Many of which had found themselves hanging from the rafters after being hit by an enthusiastic Princess. The bartender had filled me in on what had happened last night, including my latest attempts at combining the art of singing with the art of drinking excessively. This had been met with moderate success. I was now sat in one of the many shadowy corners, observing as the bartender cleaned up the wreckage from last night’s activates and a barmare served the few patrons their drinks. I suppose this is what it is like to be in school after hours, or in an office after the working day has ended, though I’ve never had much experience with either activity. I wonder if it is my lack of schooling that has led to me being unable to hold down a ‘proper’ job. I wonder if I should care about this. No, I don’t believe I should. I believe that I should devote 100% of my attention to sitting here, smoking my pipe and looking as enigmatic as possible. It takes a surprising amount of energy to build up a true air of mystery. First you have to look like you don’t care about anything at all, especially not caring. By not caring about not caring, or at least looking like you don’t care about not caring, then you truly look like you don’t care about anything. It can get rather complex at times. I was mainly just waiting for Iron and Summer to get here with whatever information they had managed to gather from their sources. Also, I couldn’t wait to tell them about my meeting with Missy. I bet they expected I would do nothing but get drunk and mess about. They were right but that doesn’t mean I can’t get stuff done as well. Fortunately I didn’t have to wait very long, Summer and Iron entered together, complaining about the stubbornness of the guard they had harassed about my release. Oh this is going to be priceless! Play it cool Ace, let’s milk this for as much awesomeness as possible. The moment they noticed me sitting in a corner they both stopped and stared, their jaws hanging loose. It started off being fairly comical, I had to restrain myself from laughing out loud at their expressions. Then it slowly began to get awkward, now I had to resist the urge to shift about uncomfortably as they continued to gaze at me. “Hey guys...what’s up?” I stated casually. “Three hours...” Summer said, an edge to her voice. “Sorry, what?” “Three hours we complained, three hours wasted trying to get you out of prison, and you were here the entire time?!” “Well...no. To be fair I only broke out about half an hour ago.” I said defensively. “You broke out of prison!? You’re supposed to be travelling in the company of an Equestrian Guard. Me! The fact that you were in prison was bad enough, but breaking out! Why would you do that!?” She screamed at me. This was turning out to be very un-awesome. “Well, in my defence I felt that breaking out was the best thing to do to prove to any spies that might be watching that I wasn’t in any way connected with the Equestrian government. To be specific, one very important part of the Equestrian Government...” I then proceeded to explain my meeting with the mysterious Missy and her unusual offer. By the time I had finished my wondrous tale, Iron and Summer had managed to pick their jaws up off of the floor and had taken a seat at my table, ordering themselves some drinks. “So...am I forgiven?” I finally asked. “I suppose.” Summer said begrudgingly. “Just don’t let it happen again.” Iron nodded in agreement. “Don’t get drunk, punch a princess, get arrested, meet a secret government agent and get hired to do freelance intelligence work for them again?” They both nodded. “Okay...I’ll try. So, what information did you get?” Iron went first, starting off with self-satisfied grin. I wonder if I should have made this a competition, really motivate them to find something. “Well, I know some ponies in this city that owe me a few favours. After calling them in I got a bit of information about the pony in charge of the Maneapolis branch of the Company. His name is Profit Margin, an earth pony who was raised on one of the farms outside the city. He apparently disregarded his families down-to-earth ways, went to the big city and joined up with the Company. He’s managed to work his way up through the ranks, made a reputation for himself as a ruthless pony, willing to do anything to turn a profit. He eventually got promoted to CEO after the previous CEO stood down. Kind of suspicious the way he left...” “How’d he leave?” I asked. “Hastily.” Iron responded. “One day Profit Margin is promoted to Junior Executive directly below the CEO in the food chain, the next the CEO clears off and runs away, making room for Margin.” “Sounds like the old CEO knew what was good for him then. Summer you get anything?” “A lot actually, you know how guards love to gossip.” “I am aware of this fact...” I said, feeling a flashback coming on. I recall one particular excursion when I was younger. At some point I had managed to give the slip to whoever was supposed to be watching me at the time and, utilising the infinite imagination that only an eight year old possesses, had decided that a high-security military base looked like a brilliant place to play hide and seek. I somehow managed to get pass the electric fence, still not sure how I did that, and spent twenty minutes concealed inside a ventilation shaft before a wandering guard noticed my giggling. He pulled me out and took me to the guard station until someone could come and collect me, which is where I learnt just how gossipy guards can be. Of course, they were mostly just discussing whether it would be alright to use a taser on me. I could be quite an annoying child when someone decided to be rude and cut my playtime short. “Ace, are you even listening to me?” Summer asked, snapping me out of my sort of fond memories. “Erm...yes? Actually, I’m going to be honest here, I completely phased out for a moment. What were you saying?” I replied, causing her to sigh. “I was saying how the guards told me that Profit Margin is insanely jealous of the unicorn nobility. Apparently he has tried to buy himself a title three times, but each time the noble in question rejects him out of hoof for being a ‘common earth pony’.” I raised an eyebrow at this. “Not my words alright? Not all unicorns are like that, just some who deserve to have their horns shoved in a place where Celestia dare not venture.” “So, we have a wealthy, ruthless businesspony who wants to play garden parties with all the prissy nobles. I have a vague idea on how to get to him...but it may need some work. Summer, how are foreign nobles treated by the Equestrian nobility?” I asked, leaning back and stroking my chin with one hand. “With the respect their station deserves for the most part. The nobles often seem to feel more of a kinship to a foreign nobles than they do to a commoner. Why? What are you thinking of doing?” “Oh, me? I’m not going to do anything. If all goes to plan I won’t even talk to Mr.Margin. No, the blame here lies with Lord Iron Will, Master of the Fiery Peaks and down on his luck noble of the minotaur people.” I said, grinning at my two compatriots. “Me? What do you expect me to do?” Iron asked, bewildered. “I expect you to play a part. You used to be a stage performer right? I hope you’ve still got it, ‘cus you’re going to need to convince the good Mr. Margin that you are the real deal.” “And then what?” “Then you are going to sell him your title and all the honour and prestige that go with it. Margin gets to feel like a proper noblepony...at least for a little while. That is step one of my plan to take away everything he has.” “You have a two-step plan? This is...actually a new one for you. Go on, dazzle us with your brilliance.” Summer snarked. “Well then you might want to put on some sunglasses my dear, because this is where I shine!” I grandly swept my arms out, every inch the showman I knew I was at heart. “Profit Margin has two things, his personal riches and his position in the Company, correct?” They both nodded at this. “Then to take him down fully, and I mean completely ruin him, we need to take away both of these things at the same time. That’s where my newest friend comes in. Here’s how it’s all going to go down...” Much later, and after a lot of arguing about various details of my plan, we were almost ready. There was just one small problem to get past first. “I don’t see why I have to prance about in this ridiculous getup.” Iron will stated grumpily, holding his arms out wide as the tailor pony continued to adjust what could only be described as the most frilly outfit ever seen outside of a performance of the Scarlet Pimpernel. “I told you Iron, it’s a disguise. You look like a real nobletaur now, I bet all the ladies will be swooning at your feet. That’s what high class ladies do isn’t it? They swoon. They can’t just faint like any regular person can they?” I replied, noticing that in one corner Summer was holding a hoof over her mouth in an attempt to hold back laughter at the sight of Iron Will’s new suit. Okay, so Iron looks like the world’s largest peacock right now. I’m having trouble remaining supportive and not rolling around laughing. The tailor, one Elegant Stitch, had been working on Iron’s disguise for almost three hours now. I had to say, even though I was exasperated about the length of time it had taken him, he did some damn fine work. Though he also had a worrying tendency to break out into the most fabulous songs. Even now he was singing softly, under his breath. “Be an example to your sex Give your boot a dapper strap And it's smarter if your garter has some snap! Cravats should be flounced about our necks Wear a nightcap when you nap Be bewitching with some stitching on your cap!” “Please stop that...” Iron pleaded, only to go unheard by the tailor, who appeared to be lost in what is commonly known as the ‘zone’ and just increased his volume. “Now, drape your cape And puff your cuff Embroider those lapels! Be the king of the beasts in pastels! La, but someone has to strike a pose And bear the weight of well-tailored clothes And that is why the Faust created males!” “Seriously, stop that.” Iron interrupted, not looking at all pleased with Elegant’s lyrical accompaniment to his work. Maybe I should join in? “Strut, sir!” Elegant shouted. “What, sir?” I supplied. “Roosters do! Give a cock his comb and the hens will pale! Bucks! Bulls!” “More, sir!” I cried joyously. “Boars, sir, rams! Of the nanny goat and billy, sir Whose beard is fully wooly, sir? It's bully for the billy for he's willy-nilly male!” He sang exuberantly. “If you don’t stop them I’m going to punch both of you through a wall.” Iron threatened, his expression thunderous. “Fine then, I know when I’m not appreciated.” I said, crossing my arms and pouting childishly. “Very well, the ensemble is finished anyway.” Elegant said, a slight pout about his face as well. Though he pulled it off much better than I did, being a brilliant thespian. The suit really did seem to be finished now, and what a suit it was. It consisted of an embroidered overcoat, a soft peach in colour with pink highlights. Out of either cuff exploded a cloud of frilly lace, the pearly white complementing the other soft colours A cravat, made of the same frilly fabric as his cuffs, was hung around his neck, it resting softly atop the sky blue shirt that had been tailored to his muscled frame. The entire suit was finished off with a large, ridiculously pink hat that sat atop his head like some kind of guard flamingo. Overall, it created a look that I hope I never have to behold again, as I don’t want to find out if it is actually possible to die from laughter. “Nice work Mr.Stitch, you have certainly earned your commission.” I said, managing to keep a straight face. “Please, call me Elegant. Is there anything else I can do for you?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. “Actually yes there is.” I got some weird looks from my companions. “We’re going to need hats. Very nice hats...” By the time we left Elegant’s store I was very satisfied with our purchases. I had acquired a peaked cap that screamed of military might for Summer, who was currently making some funny faces as she tried to get the perfect expression for the stern and austere military commander. For myself I had purchased a short black top hat with a red band around it. To be perfectly honest, this wasn’t for a disguise. I had only got it because I missed having a top hat. What? A man has needs. My part in the plan involved not being noticed anyway, hence why I was currently wearing my coat with the enchanted side facing outwards. Iron and Summer turned to face me, squinting in concentration as they strained to see through the coat’s implanted magic. They knew for a fact that I was there, it was just very hard for them to remember most of the time. We all knew our part in the plan, no more talking was required. A simple nod was exchanged and we split up, Iron heading in one direction whilst Summer and I went in the other. Profit Margin won’t even know what’s hit him... I may send him a note telling him it was me. It would be frightfully rude to leave an enemy in the dark like that. I grinned at this thought and turned my hat down to shade my eyes, improving my chances of remaining unnoticed. This is going to be good. Author's note The song that Elegant and Ace sing together is an extract from the song Creation of Man from the show The Scarlet Pimpernel. So I’m a thespian that loves Irish music, you want to dance fight about it? The only reason I didn’t put a link in the story is because it is only an extract of the full song and there aren't many good linkable versions of the song on YouTube. Also, this is officially the last Wednesday update. From here on it you will have to rely entirely on the Saturday update for your supply of satyr-y humour. Barrel-of-fun