My mind was being torn in two completely different directions.
On one hand, I wanted to go back, figure out my new magic, and get myself home. To my reality. Hearing all those city and town names, this continent, named ‘Equestria’. None of it was familiar. The Commander had been fighting with a spatial magic user, quite a powerful one. And the Commander wasn't a slouch either. My last memory was a damning piece of evidence for my theory. It had to be a new reality of some kind.
“Look out!” I turned my head, and only briefly got a glimpse of the two streams of magic headed my way. Gravity magic, and spatial magic. There was no time to react, and as they passed through me, it felt like an electrical shock. My body felt torn in hundreds of directions, with limbs fading in and out between being there and not. It was an awful experience, and then I blacked out.
My chest ached, if I really was in a new world, I’d never get back.
But on the other hoof, why would I want to go back? The people here were nice, if maybe a bit lacking in personal space. Sure, I could go ahead and restart, making a new life for myself. But how could I live with everything I’d done?
Why did I deserve a second chance, when so many others had been robbed of one. By me.
Tears started streaming out of my eyes, and I began to grow angry at myself again. I never had time to think of any of this before, and right now, when I needed to be at my strongest, why did I feel so weak? And helpless, and-
I grunted and tried to facepalm, only to realize that hooves hurt a lot more than hands. After which, my anger built up even more, and I started hitting myself. ‘Stupid! Stop acting like this, you’re not innocent!’
I wasn’t usually one for self harm, but for some reason I had the notion that hitting myself more would get rid of my emotions. I’d never felt like this before, my day to day was all about survival, wondering what awful things I’d see. Each day was like a living nightmare, one that I had gotten so used to, that I thought it was normal to live like that.
So I hit myself again, then again, and again. Just hoping something would snap into place, and I could know what I was supposed to do about everything.
If I’d been able to control my outburst, I would've heard the door opening.
I heard a gasp, “No, no, no!” Lovelight’s voice said as she rushed over to me. “Please stop!” She forcibly held my leg down, and that was when I refocused on reality again. I looked up at her in surprise, then to her left. She had brought me dinner.
“Honey,” she muttered quietly, I tried to cover my face, and she pulled my hoof away from me again. “Why were you hurting yourself?”
She looked so sad, which was my fault. This pony was so nice, and I made her upset. I’m the problem everywhere I go. “It… was an accident. I was zoned out. Don’t worry about me.”
A lump formed in her throat, and her voice came out in a whisper, “Please, please, don’t do that. I'll help you, I don't want to see you hurt yourself like that ever again.”
Ah, then there’s that. She was right, if I hurt myself, she would be upset, and it would be my fault again. I couldn’t do anything without causing harm, I truly am a devil. I felt ashamed for a moment. "Are you hurt?" She inspected every inch of my head thoroughly, even as I shied away.
"I'm okay," I reassured her.
My first day in this hospital had not been going well. It was exhausting having all these feelings go through me. It was so much easier just to pretend nothing was wrong. Even if it made me a coward, hiding in my own mind.
She sighed, backing away, and pulled the tray over to me. Some hay things, some kind of soup, and a glass of orange liquid. “I’ve kept the doctor at bay for today, but tomorrow he’s going to have to see you.”
“Why did you keep him away?” I asked curiously, as I nibbled at one of the 'hayfries'. They were pretty good, and I found myself eating them much faster.
I could see she was hiding something, as she searched for the words she wanted me to hear, “I thought we should keep your interaction with others to a minimum.”
I shrugged, “But you let those other two in,” I said as I sniffed at the food curiously, “a doctor wouldn’t have been much more trouble.”
She sighed, and placed a hoof behind my head to stroke my mane gently. I initially flinched, “I didn’t think they would act like that. I’m sorry, little one.”
She saw me finish my hay, then watched me struggle as I kept moving the spoon, but obviously I couldn’t use it. She leaned over my shoulder, “Would you like me to teach you how to use hoof magic?”
I squinted suspiciously, and nodded. Gently, she took one of my hooves into her own, “Okay, can you feel my hoof gripping yours?”
It felt like someone had covered my hoof with a short glove, one that got weaker the farther from her hoof it was. Like there was some invisible cone around it. I slowly nodded, “I-I think so.”
She nodded with a smile, “I’m going to pull away from you, and I want you to imagine yourself pulling back without using your body.” I nodded hesitantly, and she started.
She retracted her hoof slowly, taking mine with it. I tried to envision my own hoof grabbing hers back, and I felt a weird tingle run down my leg into my hoof. “Yes, good, I can feel you resisting it,” she told me encouragingly.
I smiled and continued, and I felt my hoof magic wrap around hers. Suddenly our hooves stopped abruptly, and she wasn’t pulling anymore. “Good job!” Lovelight said, leaning down and nuzzling me, “You did so well!” I felt the odd sense of warmth and safety again.
I blushed, and nodded, “Thank you.”
She stood back up, “You should be able to grip things now, just be very careful. It takes some practice,” she turned back to the clock in my room, and seemed to grimace. “I’ll be back to collect your tray, I’m afraid it’s almost time for my shift to end, so I have to finish up a few things.”
She smiled as she watched me slowly grip the plate, getting a feel for my newfound magic. Then she left me to my own devices.
She was right, this was tricky. It wasn’t like picking things up with your hands. It felt like you had a bubble of magic on the end of your hoof, and that bubble could wrap around items. But if you didn’t put enough thought into where you concentrated the magic, it would fall. For instance, you had to make sure there was more magic grip on the bottom of an item than the top, obviously.
But if you didn’t put your focus on the sides of it, it would tip and fall. It was entirely fascinating.
I gazed at my soup hungrily, deciding I was proficient enough for a simple spoon. And though I splashed myself with the warm soup a few times, it was overall rather easy. I looked over to the glass of juice, wanting to take a drink. I thought it couldn’t be much harder.
I was wrong.
Now, holding something isn’t hard, but tipping that thing into your mouth? That was hard. You had to make so many minor adjustments to the magic pressure, shifting most of the magic to the side you were tipping.
I failed at this, quite spectacularly, I might add.
Both my hooves that I was gripping with failed, and the glass fell. It hit the tray on its way down and shattered all over my bed. The hooves I had dropped it with had tried desperately to catch it, but they didn’t. The only thing I managed was to get glass in my hooves.
But that wasn’t what worried me. I was horrified. My blood started running cold, and I looked down at the glass in panic. The wet blanket, the glass mixing with the sheets-- it all caused my anxiety to boil over.
‘She’ll hate you now.’
I tried to scoop the glass into a pile, ignoring the sharp abrasions on my leg.
‘You’re so useless. You can’t touch anything without ruining it.’
I felt hot tears streaming down my face, and my whole body in general was getting hotter. “N-No, I didn’t,” I was hiccupping as the words left me, “it was an accident.”
‘You’d be better off dead.’
My heart ached, and my body felt like an inferno again. And my panic at realizing what this feeling was only made it worse. My hoof suddenly went up in blue flames, as my body turned darker again.
I panicked.
The sheets under me immediately began to turn to ashes, not even having time to be set ablaze. I quickly jumped off of my bed, pulling my tail towards me as I looked around frantically. My bandages burned off my body, revealing the stitches, which I hoped wouldn’t burn off as well.
I spotted a metallic trash can in the corner. I had to do something about myself, so I scrambled over to the metal can. It took me a moment, but it was a short trash can. Soon enough, I slipped over the lip and fell into it. The trash, which was mostly paper, immediately turned to ash.
So I sat there, in my trashcan, hugging my tail.
While on fire.
Lovelight had just finished up doing her daily report, and jotting down everything that was required of her. She checked his file again, yet, of course, nothing new had come up about him. "What a headache," Redheart said under her breath.
"Anything?" Lovelight asked curiously, leaning over to check what she was looking at.
Redheart shook her head, "No missing foal reports, no reports of a couple of kirins passing, nothing. I've even went through all the files that Princess Celestia had them send us. Kirins are still a bit reclusive, there isn't much info to go off of."
Lovelight sighed, "It's so rare to find homeless and orphaned foals."
Redheart hummed in agreement, "Even rarer when it's an alicorn appearing from thin air." Redheart eyes her friend curiously, “Have you thought about potentially bringing Haze to see him? Another kirin around could certainly help with him.”
Lovelight shook her head, “No, I don’t want to potentially scare him.”
There was a long bout of silence that hung between the two. Redheart quickly filed away a bunch of folders, flicking through the organized clutter like a machine.
“I taught him how to use hoof magic,” Lovelight said with a smile.
Redheart was in the midst of packing her things for the day as well; she perked up at that, “Oh, really? How did it go?”
“As expected of an alicorn,” Lovelight started, “he learned quickly. I didn’t tell him, but his grip was as strong as mine.”
Redheart hummed, impressed, “That’s interesting. Alicorns are truly amazing.”
Suddenly there was an alert, and Lovelight sighed. Usually it wasn’t anything, but so close to the end of her day, all she wanted was to leave. Redheart checked the monitor first, and sighed. Lovelight checked as well, and when she saw his room's heart rate monitor skyrocket, she paled; of course, it was his room. She was at fault for leaving him right after teaching him magic.
Lovelight was quick as she ran down the hallway, and Redheart trailed her closely. Then the fire alarm went off, and Lovelight’s eyes turned to pinpricks. They got to the door, and swung it open.
The first thing they noticed was the shattered glass on the bed, where the bed sheets were half ashes by now. And disturbingly, a couple of bloodstains leading from the bed. On the ground were multiple scorch marks, leading over to a trash can that had blood stains on the outside. “Little one, are you there?” Lovelight asked frantically as she walked to the bin.
She didn’t hear a reply, and panickedly opened the window to the trash can. It was so hot to the touch that she thought she might’ve burned her hoof. Inside was the little colt, on fire and hugging his tail. He was crying into his legs as he lay in the bed of ashes. “Shh…” Lovelight wanted nothing more than to reach in and pull him into a hug, but she literally couldn’t, and her heart ached. “Honey, it’ll be okay, I promise. We aren’t angry about anything.” She guessed his reason for the emotional outburst.
"Lovelight?" He asked sadly, daring a glance upward.
"Yes, honey, it's me," she hummed gently; "we're not angry at you,” she reiterated.
He covered his face with his hooves, words coming out shuddered, “Don’t lo-ook at me. I’m a-a monster.” His voice was sharper, and different, though it still sounded like a young colt.
Lovelight felt tears in her own vision, “You are not a monster. You’re just scared.”
He looked up at her pleadingly, “Do you have any water? Pour it over me.”
Lovelight’s breath hitched, and she paled, “N-No! We would never. Honey, just calm down.”
“I’ll calm down when I stop being on fire.” He muttered into his hooves.
Lovelight sighed, “The reason you’re on fire is because you’re scared. Are you still worried that we're angry with you, little one?”
Watching his tears immediately turn into vapor was heartbreaking, and he locked eyes with her, “Don’t you hate me?” She felt sick. Who had hurt this foal so much that he thought he’d be hated over a cup and some bedsheets? It made her blood boil so much she wondered if she would go nirik.
“No,” Lovelight said confidently, “we will never hate you. Would you like to take some deep breaths with me?”
He seemed to consider it, before slowly giving a nod.
The trashcan was melting around me, ever so slightly, but it was. So I had no choice but to follow Lovelight’s instructions and hope. “Okay, breathe in deeply, hold it for me for two seconds, then breathe out. Just follow me, okay?”
I did as she instructed, and closed my eyes. Breathe after breathe I felt my heartrate slow. Eventually, I felt myself calm down, and with that, my fire began to recede. After around a minute, the fire was gone. And now all I felt was cold.
Cold, lonely, and worthless.
I felt myself being lifted out of the trashcan by the back of my neck, and I was deposited into Lovelight’s arms. The first thing she did was hug me tightly, not afraid of me in the slightest. I felt the same warmth and safety, and I started to doubt myself. I didn’t want to stop feeling like this, I didn’t want to go back.
“You’re okay,” she whispered, stroking the back of my head, “are you hurt?” She asked before inspecting my hooves.
To both her and my wonder, my hooves were actually completely healed. “Not… anymore. I guess,” I said, hesitantly.
Lovelight turned to Redheart, who was watching us with a melancholic smile as she cleaned up the mess. I followed her gaze, and felt guilty, “I made a mess,” more tears came.
“Stop worrying about that,” Lovelight said, nuzzling me. “The important thing is that you’re safe. Your alicorn magic must’ve healed the glass wounds.”
She looked down at my leg, which was still stitched, thankfully. But it also wasn’t healed. “Then why is my leg…”
Lovelight giggled, “No clue; alicorns are weird.” She pressed her nose against mine and wiggled it, eliciting a giggle from me, “And cute,” she added.
Suddenly she looked at my fur again, and hummed, “Let’s get you into a bath, you’re dirty.”
Redheart finished replacing the sheets, and cleaning the floor. She was quite fast at that. Lovelight turned to the other mare, “I’ll be doing some overtime then, if that’s alright?”
Redheart waved her off, “Of course, Lovey. I’d join you, but they’ll have my head if I work another hour.”
My ears flattened against my head again, “It’s okay Miss Lovelight, I don’t want to keep you here if you want to leave.”
She giggled as she placed me on her back, “Then it’s okay, because I don’t want to leave just yet,” she said with a wide smile.
I averted my gaze and relented, as she headed for the doorway. We were rather silent as she walked down the quiet halls of the hospital. Thankfully, the awkward silence couldn’t hang for long, as we were rather close to the bathroom. Or maybe I’m the only one who thought it was awkward?
When we entered the room, it was just a single room with a bathtub and other amenities. The bathtub was way more luxurious than anything I’d ever seen in my lifetime. It wasn’t merely a large wooden bucket, as I had grown used to.
Lovelight placed me on the floor next to her, as she turned the water on and held her hoof under it. I walked over to some of the bottles, and sniffed it only to recoil at how strong the scent was. “Um, Miss Lovelight? What is this stuff?”
She looked over to me, and I could tell I said something else upsetting as she masked her emotion, “It’s soap, dear. It makes foals smell nice, and makes their fur smooth.”
As the bathtub filled up, steam started to come off the water. I put my two front hooves up on the edge and leaned over, sticking my nose in briefly. I pulled back quickly in surprise, “Miss Lovelight, the water is hot.”
She tilted her head worriedly, “Is it too hot?”
I hummed, “It feels nice. But is it bad for you? I’ve never had a hot bath; wouldn’t I get cooked?”
She released a small yet sad laugh, “No, dear, it won’t cook you. It feels super nice, I promise.”
“Well, okay than Miss Lovelight.”
She looked at me with a sigh as she turned the water off, “Honey, you know you don’t have to say ‘Miss Lovelight’ every time, okay?”
“Isn’t that disrespectful?” I shifted uncomfortably on my hooves.
She shook her head no, and leaned down to lift me up, gently setting me into the water. My eyes widened at the feeling of it. My entire body felt like it was covered in a blanket, and the warmth calmed me down slightly. “I’m not saying you can’t, dear. You have very good manners. I just don’t want you to have to say such a mouthful every time,” she told me with a smile.
She began to scoop water into a cup, and gently pour it over my head multiple times. “Well, what do you want me to call you?” I asked curiously.
“Just Lovelight, or Love; whatever feels right to you.” She smiled as she began to put soap into my mane, “And as your friend, I want you to be comfortable around me.”
My eyes widened and my mouth opened in awe. “Miss-... Lovelight, we're friends?”
She giggled, and closed my mouth for me as she dumped water on my head, washing away the suds. “Of course we are silly.”
“I’ve never had one before,” I stated, this was a new feeling for me, “I thought you had to be important to have friends? I wasn’t ever allowed to make them.”
When I glanced at her, my ears went flat again as she wore a horrified expression. Why did everything I say make her sad? I’d be a terrible friend. “I’m sorry, we don’t have to be friends-” I began frantically.
She suddenly pulled me into a hug, and I felt water hitting my back, but it wasn’t from the cup. “Lovelight, aren’t you getting wet?” I said, fearing she’d get angry since I was covered in water, “I’m sorry for making you sad.”
She pulled back, and brushed my wet mane out of my face, there were tears in her eyes. “You didn’t make me sad. Who told you that you couldn’t make friends?”
I froze up at that, I didn’t know what to say. She shook her head with a sigh, “You know what? It doesn’t matter,” she nuzzled me, “we’re friends now. Nobody can break that.”
“Wow,” I muttered quietly to myself, “I have a real friend,” I said in disbelief.
She began working on my body and tail, I already felt cleaner than I remember ever feeling, “Since we’re friends, I need a name to call you.”
I thought I told them to call me… that name. “Lovelight, you can call me Zer-”
“I refuse,” she said quickly, “would you please tell me your real name?”
It was a very sincere question, but even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. “It’s Zero; I haven’t been called anything else in forever. I’m not even… able to remember.”
There was silence, as she only continued to scrub my body and dump water. I began to feel like I had made a mistake again and that she was going to be upset. Even if I knew by now that she wasn’t that type of pony. "Would you like one?" She finally asked.
“Like one what?” I tilted my head.
“A name,” she began, “you deserve one, sweetie. You don’t have to keep it if you don’t want to. But I don’t wish to call you Zero.”
“Why?”
She sighed and leaned forward to lock eye contact with me, “Because that name hurts you.”
How did she figure that out so quickly? I wasn’t even trying to feel bad about it, she was like a wizard of emotions or something. I tried to avert my gaze, but she gently pulled it back. “I don’t want to call you a name that people used to hurt you. That wouldn’t make me a good friend now, would it?”
I looked down at my hooves, my mind racing with thoughts. But the offer was too tempting, "Do you really want to name me?" I asked with wide eyes and a head tilt.
She nodded with the most comforting smile, "Yes, I do."
“Okay,” I said quietly with a nervous nod, “I like that idea.” I tried giving her my best smile, and she seemed elated.
“What do you have in mind?” I asked her.
She hummed, gently picking me up out of the tub with a towel. She held me in her arms and gently dried each of my legs and hooves with the towel. Then she did my underbelly and back, and finished with my mane. It felt great being cleaned like this, and I felt my eyelids dropping a bit. She got to drying my face, and giggled, “Maybe I should call you Sleepy.”
My eyes opened abruptly and I looked at her with fear, “No! I’m awake, see?”
She only giggled again, as she bumped her nose against mine, “Alright, alright.”
After drying my body, she got a roll of bandages and began to wrap my leg gently. Then she rolled me over in her arms as she got some kind of brush. She ran it along my back, and I practically melted in her arms. "You’re so warm all the time," she commented fondly, "like a little campfire." I did notice that, as a kirin, my body heat was higher than most ponies.
A smile came upon her face, “Mellow Spark.”
I turned my head to look up at her in curiosity. She smiled wider as she gazed at me and asked, “What do you think, little one?”
Mellow Spark-- it was a pony-like name; it could be my own, and all I had to do was give her the word. I didn’t have to go by the name Zero or worry about wondering who I was. Because the answer would be my new name every time. I couldn’t help the tears that started falling down my face. Lovelight quickly hugged me, and petted the back of my mane.
My voice was soft and small, shaky at best. But I managed to get out a response, “I love it, thank you.”
Twilight sighed, slumping forward in her seat and resting her head on the desk. Her eyes were barely able to stay open any longer. Next to her sat a stack of books that would make any pony pale. “Hey Twilight, aren’t you going to bed anytime soon?” Spike asked abruptly as he barged into the library.
She looked at him with bloodshot eyes, and Spike laughed awkwardly as he took a step back. “Or, keep going, you know. Whenever you’re done.”
Twilight sighed sadly. “I really messed up, Spike,” she said, turning back around.
“How so?” Spike asked as he walked over to her with a glass of juice.
Twilight took it gratefully, giving it a sip, before sighing. “With the alicorn colt,” she gazed at the stack of books next to her, “I messed up so bad that these books are labeling me as a perpetuator of the problem.”
Spike raised a brow, “Then apologize, or try and make it up to him.”
"No!" She suddenly shouted, clearing her throat awkwardly: "I mean, the books say that unless necessary, I should avoid contact with him. I’ll just hope that after my last message explaining to Princess Celestia, she makes her return trip quicker."
Spike hummed and shrugged, turning to leave the library and leave Twilight to her thoughts. But just before he could, he let out a burp, and out came a message. Twilight turned in curiosity as Spike opened it up for her. “It’s from Celestia,” he said.
After a moment, Spike’s eyes widened. Twilight stood from her seat in anticipation, “What? What’s wrong?”
Spike gritted his teeth and coughed, unsure of what she would do after he told her. “I am currently on my way back, and will help once I arrive. However, until then, Twilight, I entrust you with temporary guardianship of the colt.”
Twilight quickly snatched it from him, reading it through herself in a frenzy. Spike sighed and grabbed a pair of earplugs, sticking them in his ears. He watched her face, and began counting, “3… 2… 1-”
“WHAT!?” Twilight yelled.