“I know I said I didn’t want to know the future,” the purple alicorn started to the draconequus as Archard and Pinkie Pie laughed and screamed the background. “But what did you mean by, ‘I’m working with Celestia to make sure things go according to plan’?”
“Sorry, Twilight, but I’m not at liberty to say,” he replied, shaking a claw like the human would a finger. “It wouldn’t be very wise of me to reveal information like that, especially since you just said you didn’t want to know the future. Wouldn’t want to go against your wishes, would I? That wouldn’t be very friendly.”
Twilight frowned and crossed her hooves, but then sighed. At least Discord and Archard weren’t fighting anymore– well, they weren’t to begin with, but at least they weren’t at odds. That was something. She didn’t know how long it would last, but for a moment at least was good.
“If you could send him back though,” the purple pony started, “I think you’d understand how I’d see that as the most friendly you could be. And so would everyone else here, right?”
“No, because I think we should–” A cough and a glare from Twilight stopped Lyra mid sentence, and made her change her tune. “I mean, uh, yeah!” she started again. “Sending Archard back home would, uh, mean that you’ve truly learned so much about friendship. But uh, only if you wait, like, a few days.”
“You know, I’m a god,” Discord started flatly. “A deity. A divine being. Lord of chaos and master of all that I wish to rule over. Your foalish mind games won’t work on me.”
“Oh, of course not, because you’re so smart,” Twilight said, wearing a little smile as she tried to build him up. “We just thought that such a smart creature like you would want to send Archard back as soon as you can.”
“Except perhaps you think that I can be manipulated by your mind games. I see. Just for that, I will delay any consideration on that creatures fate by a full day.”
“Discord, come on. Be reasonable.”
“Ah, yes. Reasonable. I believe reasonability will cost an extra day of consideration.”
“Discord!”
“And a third day it shall be for consideration, and if you speak up again, it’ll be a fourth.”
Twilight had to physically bite her tongue to avoid saying something else. Yes, Discord would always be Discord, it seemed. Never very friendly, even when he apparently knew all about it. The best he could manage was to not be completely ridiculous.
Not like Luna apparently was, a pony who suddenly appeared in Twilight Library, radiating power and anger as she stood in a pajama set that featured bright stars and crescent moons against a blue background. She had a terribly angry look on her face as she stood in the center of the room, looking quite tired.
“Who amongst ye was it who dared to steal gravity from us, the rulers of Equestria?” Luna asked in her royal Canterlot voice, looking around the room to see which creature would speak up first. The room remained silent for a long moment, Princess Luna remaining so as well, as she waited for somepony to speak up. To the surprise of the room– some’s surprise at least– Discord was the first to raise his hand.
“Okay, I’ll admit it,” the draconequus started, looking downcast at his feet. A second later, he spoke up louder, more enthusiastically, “Archard did it. I tried to tell him not to do it, but that human is a wild beast, I must say! Twilight Sparkle here has been talking about how terrible and dangerous he is, and how we need to stop him and control him immediatley, weren’t you, Twilight?”
It caught Twilight by surprise, enough that she couldn’t immediately respond. It was enough of a pause that Luna spoke up before she could get any words out.
“Show me to the vile beast who believes they may steal gravity from us! They shall feel the full force of our fury!”
“Well, he just so happens to be right here,” Discord said, snapping his fingers and calling the human forward. He was mid jump, and landed loudly on the ground, making a surprising thud and causing a mug on a table nearby to fall to the ground and shatter.
“Uh, oops, my bad.”
“And so it is you, vile beast!” Luna declared, pointing a hoof at Archard, who only stood and blinked at the blue alicorn. “You stand here accused of stealing gravity from us, the Princess of the Night, Luna, and disturbing us from our slumber, as well as breaking mugs in an attempt to cut our precious hooves! How do you plead, monster, the one currently known to us as 'Archard'?”
“Uhh…” He trailed off for a long moment as he considered his options. Then he shrugged, continuing, “You know what? Fuck it. Guilty. I stole gravity from you. Cause I’m definitely able to do that and Discord would never ever do such a thing. It was me.”
“Then you are hereby declared guilty of treason for your actions,” she said, still using her Canterlot voice. “Your sentence shall be ten thousand years imprisoned in Tartarus for your crimes, so that we make an example of you and showcase to all of Equestria that actions such as yours will not go without harsh punishment!”
“Ah, I should have known,” the human sighed, feigning sadness. “It’s what I deserve. Although, you know, a worse punishment would be sending me to a place called ‘Earth’. I mean what? How could I say such a thing out loud! I should have known! Dang it.”
“Uh, uh, yeah! That’s right!” Twilight pretended to agree. “I think you should send him to Earth, too, cause, uh, you know. Humans are such a nuisance. Who knows if he’ll try and steal gravity from you again in Tartarus? We wouldn’t want that, would we?”
“No, we shall not desire such a thing,” the princess confirmed, “and that is why he shall be executed instead! Such treasonous behavior cannot continue under our watch!”
“Wow, this TV show just got dark really fast,” the human commented. “I mean, um, of course. I think execution is a perfectly justified response for a mistake like this. That’ll show me, right?” Twilight blinked in surprise at the agreement, but he gave her a look in return that said he knew what he was doing.
“That is right, vile beast!” the alicorn agreed. “We are glad you agree and accept your fate! Now come hither, so that you might face your retribution!”
“No problems here, completely understandable,” the human said coolly as he stepped up to the alicorn. He kept his hands up to show that he was non-threatening, and as a result, the Princess of the Night was not expecting the sneak attack he had in store for her.
“Unhand me, heathen!” she declared as the fingers of the creature clawed at her mane, digging into her deeply and forcing her to keep from craning her neck. “This is a capital offense against a royal! If you continue, we shall.. We- we shall…”
“Oh yeah? You’ll what?” Archard teased as he cruelly used his other hand to dig gently into her neck and rub her fur. “Tell me what you’ll do to me.”
“You shall be put in the lowest dungeon in our castle! For ten thousands moons!” she declared, raising a hoof before shivering in the torture that was pleasurable scratching. “Yes, right there– we mean, no! Stop this at once, demon!”
“I’ll stop, but let me do this first.” Before she knew it, Luna was being flipped over onto her back, and her stomach was being scritched and scratched furiously, the human wearing a huge smile at the power he had over the creature. Like a puppy, she kicked her hoof in the air, and laughed at the terrible, wonderful sensation.
“St-stop– oh, right there! Yes! I mean, no! Let us… ooohhh, that’s wonderful…”
“Of course, you’re no match for some creature like me,” Archard said smugly. “I’ve had practice with these things, let me tell you! Might be the only reason I still get dates, honestly. Watch this!”
He slowed down the speed of his belly scratches, and Luna’s back hoof moved accordingly, thumping in the same rhythm of his hand’s movements. The human stuck his tongue out at Discord, and the draconequus rolled his eyes.
“Humph. Show off,” he said as he crossed his arms and turned away.
“You’re just jealous,” Archard replied instantly. “Wanna bet that I can put her to sleep?”
It was a bet that none took, and one the human would have quickly won if any of the ponies with him accepted. He manipulated his fingers to caress her stomach with a palm while she petted his mane, and within a few minutes, the alicorn was back to sleep as she once was.
“See that?” he said triumphantly. “I’m the master. I avoided my own execution with the power of belly scratches. Who knew?”
“Yes, yes, and we applaud you verily,” Discord said with annoyance in his voice. “I might as well snap her back to her bed, even though this is your mistake, Archard,” he said, doing exactly that as he spoke. “And before you ask, yes, it is your fault, because I only took away gravity because you were here. And no, I shan’t be sending you back to Earth yes for being a braggart.”
“Of course not,” Archard said expectantly. “But I guess that means there’s more things I get to mess up. I’m sure Twilight will agree that messing everything up is fun, especially since you’re gonna–”
“Not another word from you, young man,” Discord wagged his finger. He put on a dress and sunglasses and the hair of a stern mother as he did so, continuing, “I’ve had it up to here with you, and I must say, I’m getting tired of looking at you. I bid you a good day.”
And then he left, leaving the group alone in the home. Archard looked around for a moment and then sighed, slinking down to the ground on his back tiredly.
“Wow, it’s been such a long day already,” he commented. “I’m exhausted, and I haven’t had anything to eat all day except for cupcakes, and I think even Pinkie Pie will agree that cupcakes aren’t a good enough dinner. Right Pinkie? Oh wait, she’s still upstairs.”
“That’s right!” the pink mare called down, hopping like a bunny down the stairs. “Cupcakes are tasty! But every mare, stallion, and foal needs a well balanced diet of hay, grass, and vegetables! I’m not too sure about humans though, but oh! You know what? I could cook up the tastiest hayburger you’re ever gonna taste over at Sugarcube Corner! And oh! Oh! You can spend the night at my house, too! Like a sleepover, except with a super weird alien! Come on, Twilight! Can I stay with him? Please?”
It was almost all in one breath, and Twilight took a second to process what she was saying before answering. “Uh, um… well, I don’t see why not?” Twilight admitted. “I guess he can stay with you. It’ll give Lyra and I time to look up some information and try and get him back to the place where he belongs.”
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” the mare cheered happily before grabbing the humans hand in a hoof and pulling him along. “Come on! There’s so much I need to show you! This is gonna be the best sleepover ever!”